female only Going through or considering divorce?

[susan1961 0]

I am divorced.... twice. And my words of (hard-earned) wisdom are:

a) once you make it through the storm, it's wonderful; being alone is SO much better than being in an unhappy relationship. The most important relationship in your life is the one you have with YOU.

:tounge_smile: take the high road. You won't regret it. I have shared every holiday and birthday with my ex and our kids and now his new wife. Easy? No. But it is incredible not to have ever spent a Xmas or birthday apart from my children, and the most important thing I have ever done for my kids is to not hate or be hateful toward their dad. They don't feel at all traumatized by the divorce because of the efforts their dad and I have made.

c) Get whatever help you need: from friends, from professionals, from meds.... but not from food.

Best wishes on starting your new and better life.

[poodles.me 0]

Hello,

I'm really glad you started this thread too. And before I forget Boo Boo...he is a jerk for that. I completely understand.

I have been married 12 years, together almost 20. In all honesty it's been a horrible marriage. He doesn't cheat (that I know about, I also don't look very hard) but does spend most of his time at work so who knows. He is emotionally unstable and you just never know when he'll be pissed at something. And when that happens look out. He's pissed for hours with all that comes with it.

I have no insurance without him and I also have no income on my own. I am so tired all the time and in pain b/c of my knees etc. that I don't believe that I could work anyway and support myself and my two girls. Of coure I'd have child support but that would only take me so far and I couldnt live on it thats for sure.

I feel very trapped and isolated so I stay. I stay for the girls so that they can have a better life but some days I wonder what determines better.

Is it better for them to be here with us and the tension and outbursts from him or be in some apartment alone with me not even being able to afford to buy them what they need.

I do know that this surgery will end up being the crossroads for us. Without a doubt I know that. I just want some energy and hope. Hope for all that is involved.

Thanks for starting this thread and listening.

I'm all ears and open to chatting further if anyone wants, either here or private.

Poodles

[Carrie_C 9]

I know what you mean about being trapped. Although I do have my own income, I doubt it would be enough to live on. I also don't have any insurance on my own either, it is not offered where I work. The only place I would be able to afford would be some tiny dump somewhere. I really plan on starting to save some money so if I ever do get the nerve up to leave, at least I will have a little socked away. My husband is also emotionally unstable. One minute he is fine, and the next it is the end of the world. He has been a real grouch all weekend.

[*slim* 2]

I have the opposite problem. He is the one that can't afford to live. Even though I am unhappy, I can't make up in my mind to not care that he can't afford even the basics. He would have to choose between paying rent (in a hotel, not even an apartment) and eating. I know how much he makes. He couldn't pay rent, utilities, pay his car note, and buy food. The last time I put him out, he lost like 30 pounds because he couldn't afford to eat. I felt so sorry for him. His clothes were falling off of him. I know that I shouldn't let that control my decision, but it does. I know that is a stupid reason to remain unhappy, but I just don't really know what else to do.

[Carrie_C 9]

My husband couldn't afford to live by himself either. So I guess we are just stuck together. The house is his, he had it before we got together. He won't even put my name on it. The only thing I would be able to afford would be a tiny shack with my 3 cats.

[*slim* 2]

His name is on my house. We were married when I bought it. His name is not on my loan, but apparently TN law requires that he be on the deed. The loan officer didn't know I was married (and I didn't know about the law) when I mentioned something about my husband. Me and my big mouth. I know it will be heck to get him off the deed. He used to try to tell me that I was going to have to give him some money out of the house if we broke up, so finally I started telling him he could have the house AND the payments on it. He stopped saying it after that.

[Boo Boo Kitty 3]

Slim--is it really your job to take care of him forever??? NO!

Poodles--I am right there with you. I deal with anger as well, I hate it. PM me and we can talk or face book me if you have it.

Carrie--damn good question. But I also think women who don't want to be helped had something to do with it.

Susan--thank you, we all appreciate your support!

Hugs to all!

[HeatherO 7]

He was supposed to go, went and came back. Begging me to just wait until the holidays. SO I am. But I stay away from him. He has been telling me he loves me following me everywhere, it is just too late.

Sometimes I think people don't really understand that there is a point at which you are just done. Too late is too late.

I know for me there was nothing that could change my feelings once I reached a certain point. No amount of gifts or coddling or I love you's when they were not there before can make a person change their mind once that cross a certain line. I never realized that it would take the act of my leaving to solicit a change . . . maybe I should have threatened it before I was completely finished in my head.

The funny thing is, I was in a relationship in my early 20's with a man that I was totally and completely in love with. We dated for almost a year and I could see myself spending the rest of my life with him. We were together most days of the week in the evenings. One day, he started getting busy . . . he couldn't go out or come over for whatever reason. Distance grew and later he told me that he just wasn't ready to get so involved with someone. I was devastated and I tried everything I could to get him to hold on . . . and although we continue to see each other occasionally for quite some time afterwards, he was just done.

So I have been on both sides of the fence and they are both painful. Although I have found that being left is a lot more devastating then leaving when you are still in love with someone. It was such a learning experience for me.

[Boo Boo Kitty 3]

Sometimes I think people don't really understand that there is a point at which you are just done. Too late is too late.

I know for me there was nothing that could change my feelings once I reached a certain point. No amount of gifts or coddling or I love you's when they were not there before can make a person change their mind once that cross a certain line. I never realized that it would take the act of my leaving to solicit a change . . . maybe I should have threatened it before I was completely finished in my head.

That is exactly how I feel....exactly!

[Carrie_C 9]

Yes, I know that feeling too.

[Kelliebelly 13]

Hey BBK...

I am going to just type here, and it may not make sense but I hope you get the drift.

I had up until 9 mths ago been with my DH for 9 yrs. I was banded nearly 4 yrs ago.

We had our ups and downs but most of the time it was great, I worshipped the ground he walked on most of the time...as I lost weight, I cant really explain it but I changed. I wanted excitement and well...more. I cant explain it but we started going through issues. He had trust issues as I lost weight, I never did anything to make him have them.

Anyway fast foward to March this yr and he was away for work (again)...he was always away for a week or so at a time. I work too so we werent seeing each other.

He came home from his trip and I sat out in the car port and told him it was over. It had been building up and I had done alot of thinking while he was away.

I thought the grass was greener, I thought everything was going to be perfect when I lost my weight, when in actual fact its well worse in some ways. There is issues and situtations that come up now that never would have when I was big and one thing I realise is that I really have no experience in how to deal with them. I feel like I am going insane. I keep making mistakes, mistakes that I shouldnt make. I am so impulsive, I dont think things through properly, I just do it!!!

To say the last 9 months have been the worst in my life is an understatement. I realise I made a mistake, but its too late. He wont give it another chance.

I moved out with the kids and it has been very bitter on and off between us.

I cant move on, I keep thinking about the life I had and why did I throw it away. I dont want anyone else...I want my hubby. I really cant eat, sleep or think without him in my thoughts.

Basically I just want you to really think about it, because 9 mths ago I was feeling and saying exactly the same as u and boy do I regret it, I regret it all.

Although I dont know if I would have the regrets if I hadnt experienced life without him for the last 9 mths but I cant turn back time and I cant take it back.

Life after WLS and massive weight loss for me has been well....so hard and nothing like I expected.

I wish u luck in whatever decision u make, but pls really think about why u r doing it and if there is a grain at all of doubt dont jump into anything...maybe a trial seperation to start with?

Hugs

xx

[Boo Boo Kitty 3]

Thanks Kellie. I appreciate your honesty. I have thought about regretting it alot. But unfortunately he is not a good hubby, a good father not a good hubby. I know he wants to change but he doesn't try and that is just not good enough for me. We barely made it through the holidays but it is clear to everyone we are done, even families.

I am happier without him, happier when I don't have to think of him and happier when he leaves me alone. That can not be a good sign...

[Kelliebelly 13]

Ok mate - good luck...the situation is a little diff, my DH was a good Dad when he was around....most of the time a good hubby too...

Hugs

[aubrie 6]

KellieBelly,

Hang in there. I too, thought I had made a huge mistake after I left my first husband. I pined away about it all for a few years. I missed him because that was what was familiar. I was lonely. things were different. My kids wanted him. BUT, after a few years, and getting past that hump, I realize what a TERRIFIC thing I did for myself, and was perplexed at why I had been so confused about it. I started to see things more clearly instead of through rose colored glasses. I simply didn't grieve anymore. It was like going through the greiving process of a death. My kids were better off. I was better off. I've remarried and am blissfully happy with my highschool sweetheart (for 18 years now). When I look back I just shudder and praise God for my wisdom, honesty with myself, steadfastness, responsibility and maturity. mY life would have been HELL had I stayed.

[Happy_Girl 0]

I got a divorce last summer after 15 unhappy years with my former spouse. I didn't stay for money (I make alot more). I didn't stay for kids (we didn't have any together). I had some misguided notion that I could fix him - that I had an obligation to fix him. I finally realized that I couldn't change who he was, and who he was wasn't good enough for me.

I told him, "You win. You don't have to be a good husband to me." I called a lawyer the next day and was divorced within the month! It's like I could breathe again!

So, the moral of the story is...you can't change someone else no matter how many years you spend on it. Don't waste any more of your life if you have a lost cause on your hands.