Holding a grudge...

[kaytiebugs 0]

I know people in general treat thin people differently than obese people. I've heard people talk about how this has happened to them. I can't help but feel like I'll hold a grudge against society as a whole once I'm thin... and basically feel like they should take there sunshine and shove it because no one treated me like that when I was big. If I weren't married, I'd probably be scouting out guys who were attracted to me now instead of waiting to find Mr. Right whose only attracted to me as a thin person.

It really bothers me how obese people are treated. Obviously not all people do this... but a lot of people do. Even if they don't notice.

Just a rant really.... feel free to share opinions and thoughts....

[gentylwind 1]

I think your outlook on the world is going to change a lot as your feelings about yourself change. Just as you feel others should be forgiving of your weight, you may consider not holding a prejudice against others for their own frailties and failings. In the end, it will only rob you of quality of life and relationships. To paint society with that broad brush will definitely close you off to relationships with new people who may or may not be guilty of what you have said.

In all I would advise you to fix yourself first, learn to value your own opinion. The opposite of love is not hate. Its indifference. If you were okay with you down deep, you would not feel a remaining, angry grudge..you'd be indifferet to it. Hopefully as you conquer this demon, your anger will also leave you along with your excess weight. I wish you well on your journey to becoming the person you want to be, inside and out.

[RestlessMonkey 7]

I think maybe some therapy might help you put it all in perspective. Personally I think people often get back what they put out there. I'm HUGE and honest-to-god can only tell you ONE time in my adult life when someone was openly rude to me because of my weight. I'm 53. That's a LOT of interactions where people have been nice, gracious, even friendly.

I guess I don't have the "us and them" mentality. I have an "all of us" outlook....everyone has issues they cope with. So I can't identify with your anger and rage but do have my own things I've had to grapple with. A therapist can really help you get over it, or plot a revolution.

[Sarah.R 2]

I think what you feel is normal, I watched a show about a woman that had I dunno which weight loss surgery but that was her outlook afterwards, if a guy hit on her she would turn them down because she would be thinking "would you have liked me beforehand" which I do see peoples points, I have personally never had a guy hit on me, (australian guys are stupid lol) and I think once I do loose the weight if guys do hit on me it's going to be a huge shock to the system, I'm used to some guys on the net saying I'm sexy etc but in person it's just as weird lol. As for what to do, I think the woman had the bypass which requires you to see the physcologist (sp?) which definitely makes sense but it makes me think that no matter which surgery your getting you need to see one no matter what, it definitely wouldhelp with everything your thinking, maybe you could try and do that? Good luck with everything

[flowers 0]

Restless Monkey you say now no one treats you differently, but I can honestly say I believe they do. Iv been thin, a real head turner and sometimes think I put on weight to push men away.

When Im thin, men especially, but even women treat me differently. They smile at me more. Iv seen their eyes follow me thru a room. Iv also run into predudice on other boards where people, young people especially, make unkind comments about folks weight.

Men now dont want me just for my body, that instant attraction. When you get thinner, dynamics sometimes even change with other women, now you are a threat to their man. Some its true will act the same, but some wouldnt. When I start losing the weight and get closer to goal, folks start telling me, "You've lost enough weight" as if its their decision how much I can lose. It can be like they don't want you to look too good.

There really is a difference imo.

[kgloverii 0]

I agree with gentylwind. As you lose weight, your perspective will probably change. I was a size 18/20 pre-surgery and people looked RIGHT THROUGH ME when I was heavy. Now, they talk TO me, they cater to me, they smile, etc. It is a TRUE thing. But, as you lose weight, your perspective will probably be rosier. And I just think, "I don't know if they would've treated me differently before" so I can't hold it against them. When in doubt, give them the benefit. I have. And it has worked out nicely. :wink:

[OH Juli 15]

You're perspective on things shift as you lose the weight. It just does.

You'll be someone who has had or has a foot in both worlds, that being heavy and regular. You can chose how you advocate for yourself, for others, if you want to have a grudge or if you want to make peace with the fact that people are treated differently for many obvious and not so obvious reasons. It's up to you.

You know there are benefits to losing the weight and it's not just buying cuter clothing. But getting healthy in your body and your mind.

There is a lot of work to do in both areas for anyone on the WLS journey. Think about what you want for yourself and make that happen.

If you think having a grudge is going to enhance your life then grudge away all you want.

Peace.

[travelinsnorkel 0]

I worry about the same issue. Having done the online dating thing for some time now, I see all of the guy who list that their matches must be slim, athletic, and sometimes, but not always average! Hardly every do they indicated that they'd want someone who is a few pounds overweight and especially no one who is large. I would say that the people I interact with in general don't care about my weight, but in the dating scene it is a big factor and I worry that there will be resentment when I get thin, but I also can't say that I am without judgement of others, so hopefully things will just evolve as I get thinner.

[redmom 0]

I've got to say that people really are treated differently based on their size. Like someone said earlier, when you are large, people tend to look right through you. I don't get negative comments or any overt nastiness, but your are simply overlooked.

When I was thinner (and younger) that really didn't happen. You do get better service and people smile more. But no, I'm not mad about it. I think we all carry around our own prejudices, and hopefully while I've been obese, I may have Enlightened a few people out there.

[RestlessMonkey 7]

Flowers, I was thin for a long time. Honestly, I didn't say I wasn 't treated DIFFERENTLY, I said no one was rude now that I'm "fat". I'm 53 now and treated differently from how I was treated when I was 20, also, but people are generally friendly, outgoing, and just plain nice. At least, in my little world they are! :wink:

Seriously no one but one, one time, has ever been nasty or rude to me about my weight. That doesn't mean I think it doesn't happen, because I know it does.

About attraction, though, I am short, blond, curly hair, short (but curvy) legs, large "girls". Even when thin, I had those attributes. There were men who liked Long, straight hair, long legs, taller women, etc. I never wasted my time resenting that....people don't have that much control over INITIAL attraction.

[Jachut 487]

I think maybe some therapy might help you put it all in perspective. Personally I think people often get back what they put out there. I'm HUGE and honest-to-god can only tell you ONE time in my adult life when someone was openly rude to me because of my weight. I'm 53. That's a LOT of interactions where people have been nice, gracious, even friendly.

I guess I don't have the "us and them" mentality. I have an "all of us" outlook....everyone has issues they cope with. So I can't identify with your anger and rage but do have my own things I've had to grapple with. A therapist can really help you get over it, or plot a revolution.

:wink::thumbup::thumbup::ohmy::thumbup::tt2:

Here here. I am not about to say that discrimination against obesity doesnt exist, but I really believe that in a lot of cases, its more about what you project and put out there than people despising you becuase you're fat. And there is definitely an "us and them" mentality that people read.

I can honestly say I was never to my knowledge discriminated against because I was fat. Not openly and if I lost out on jobs or something because of it, well I didnt look as good or project as much confidence as I could have and if someone had the same qualifications as me and looked better and was more upbeat to boot, I'd hire them over me as well! I had every opportunity to do whatever I pleased as a fat person, just as I do now.

I can truly and honestly say I've had WAY more bad vibes, open hostility and the like from heavier people since I hit goal. You seem to be OK as long as you're not too thin - if you're "normal fat" meaning you're out of shape, hefty but not obese, you seem to fit right in with everyone. Lose past that and everyone suddenly seems to see you as up yourself, obsessed with diet and exercise or better yet, as being after their husbands. They find you intimidating, assume you're richer than them and dont have the same day to day troubles, the list goes on. Its not nasty, its just an underlying assumption that you're not one of them and that you somehow think you're better.

That's my rant. I hate this "fat discrimination" vein, I think its undervaluing yourself.

I will openly admit that I have never been super obese or morbidly obese though. I was a fit right into the crowd obese person. I've been laughed at once or twice for my size, sure, but I really dont know what its like to really stand out and I cant pretend to speak about that

I was trying on swimsuits the other day - traumatic for ANY woman. I had my girlfriend with me, I was asking how it looked from the back, could I get away with these boy short bottoms with my saddlebags, did my boobs look OK or too saggy. All the normal stuff you check when you're buying a swimsuit, whether you're a size 6 or a size 20. Everyone has body insecurities. Anyway I get out of the change room and I didnt buy the bikini because honestly, it didnt suit my body shape that well. Anyway, this woman says under her breath (having witnessed my trying on I guess) "f..ing bitch"

WTF? Do I not have the right to go into a public store and try on swimwear in case I offend someone who happens to be larger than I am? It happens all the time.

Edited December 12, 2008 by Jachut

[OH Juli 15]

Jachut,

I don't mean to be amused on your behalf, because getting an "effing bitc_" at no time is funny. I'm amused because I relate.

I'm not bikini trying on skinny, but in heels and my winter coat I look reasonable, and as I was sprinting through the grocery recently I passes inpatiently by a heavy mom. And I got an, "as if" attitude. Like how dare I have my hair down, make up on and walk through the grocery heeled boots (actually walk out the door like I care about my appearance).

I nearly turned around and gave her a, "no you didn't" but I just smirked and hurried on my way.

People project their crap on to others doesn't matter if your skinny or fat. All you can do is decide to take on their crap or not. I for one, don't take other people's.

Peace,

[SuzanneG 1]

Jacqui, your posts never disappoint! As I get closer to goal, I am experiencing the exact same thing. People who were cheering me on now actually seem to be judging me for wanting to lose the last 14 pounds. Go figure.

I've been thin and heavy as an adult and I have to say when I was heavy, I experienced many of the same attitudes as flowers.

Looks like Juli hit the nail on the head.

[HeatherO 7]

I have gone through both the heavy and thin ends of the spectrum. It is strue that you are treated differently, not by everyone but by some people.

For me, I believe in karma. If you put out negative energy and make negative snap judgements about people based solely on appearance - then you will find that you are living in a less friendly world in general and will have less positive experiences. On the other hand, if you try to find the good in people based on more than appearance, you will have better quality relationships.

I believe this applies to everyone, both those people that treat others differently, myself and the population as a whole. Holding a grudge against people in general because someone treated you differently at different stages of your life/appearance isnt going to help anyone . . . and is only going to harm yourself. Plus, you are wasting your energy on negative feelings when you could just be focusing on having a better experience in life.

I accept that some people in this world are shallow but really I don't care that much about it. It doesn't change who I am as a person or cause me to care more or less about other people that are in my true circle of friends.

[kgloverii 0]

Jacqui, your posts never disappoint! As I get closer to goal, I am experiencing the exact same thing. People who were cheering me on now actually seem to be judging me for wanting to lose the last 14 pounds. Go figure.

I've been thin and heavy as an adult and I have to say when I was heavy, I experienced many of the same attitudes as flowers.

Looks like Juli hit the nail on the head.

Amen to this post as well. I have always been outgoing, and have not received 'overt' discrimination before. I really didn't think it was as big of a deal as I do now. As I said before, people "see me" now, and before, they didn't "see me" as much. Nothing overt, but some internal criticisms from others...

I get the "how much MORE weight did you want to lose?!" all the time... like I am TOO skinny... LOL.