Notes from the Bronx

[bandpal 7]

Hi Everyone,

So I've been waiting for the chance to say hello while on a two week family trip to America. I'm here with my four year old son for my nephew's Bar Mitzva, which is this coming weekend. Meanwhile, we've been making the rounds of neighborhood playgrounds, family and friends, while based out of my parents' home in the Bronx.

This has been in many ways a gratifying visit for me. I'm 120 pounds lighter than I was at my highest weight, and 60 pounds lighter than I was during my last trip to America back in April. Everyone has been very complimentary, which has been very nice. Compliments used to be a problem for me: I used to obsess on what so-and so said or didn't say and when and how it was said or wasn't said. All of that isn't important to me now. I'm not why, but I am sure am glad about it -it frees up a lot of brain cells and emotional space, both of which I have better uses for.

My dad is suffering from advanced Parkinson's Disease. At nearly 30 years since he was diagnosed, he is wheelchair bound, delusional, unable to feed himself or attend to his own hygiene. My Mom is caring for him at home in the same apartment we grew up in, which is not adapted for handicapped use. She has daily aides coming in for about 5-6 hours a day.

It is a very trying situation. For me, at day's end, the urge to eat is often overwhelming. Trying to help out, attending to my lovely little boy's needs and keeping to my own schedule leaves me exhausted and feeling like I need/deserve compensation. Remember - this is my childhood home, where my overeating was born, too.

I've really been doing okay with all this, though. food talks to me much less than ever before, and when I do overeat (not easy to do, thankfully, with my degree of restriction) I don't beat myself up for it. It's amazing how food-centered life in America is - restaurants and fast food joints, signs, commercials, smells - and then the barrage of noise about obesity and dieting: newspaper articles, specials on the news; one store that I was in had a full aisle of books devoted equally to cookbooks and diet guides/calorie counters! What a schizophrenic society!

When I have gone out to restaurants, appetizers and Soups satisfy me completely - haven't had an entree yet. I made one takeout pint of Moo Shoo Beef last for three meals. I'm basically eating like I have for the last couple of months - coffee, hot and cold beverages till lunch -small meal- and then another small meal at dinnertime.

Gotta go - the boy needs some lovin'. Take care, all of you -

[Longhorn 1]

What a tough situation for all of y'all! I'm so sorry for the stress and suffering. I hope there are some good moments for you!

I'll bet it's quite a contrast to what you're used to. We don't even realize how bombarded we are because we so used to it. I don't see it changing, either, as long as there is money to be made.

However, I do understand that food is also a big part of Jewish culture, too! My daughters were in Israel in October for a wedding and they said there was tons of food at every family gathering -- and for the first week, it was one family gathering after another! They also got a lot of nagging if they didn't eat, even when they insisted that they had already eaten! So I guess it's more of a public/private contrast in styles. :eek:

I hope you enjoy your visit as much as possible! I'm sure it means a lot to your parents, on some level, that you are there.

[lindata 1]

Hey Bandpal, I have a very active four year old boy too, so I understand what it takes to get through the day!

I'm sorry to hear about your dad. That's got to be really tough on your mom taking care of him at home, even with help. It's hard to see it happen to someone you love ...

When I go out to eat at restaurants (a rare occurrence now since I don't really see the point!), I find a small Soup always fills me up too. I'm quite appalled at the amounts everyone else eats, which I used to eat. Why did we stuff ourselves so?

So you find the American culture very different from where you live in terms of food? That's very interesting. Is the rate of obesity as high where you live as it is in America? My brother lives in England and he's always shocked when he comes to North America in terms of the amount of overweight people here versus there.

Have you gone to the Museum of Natural Sciences yet? I wish I could take my little guy there, but I think we'll wait to go to NY when he's a little older and can go to some Broadway shows.

[shortgal 5]

Bandpal, I always enjoy reading your posts.

It is so hard to see our parents that were once so strong become feeble, I guess part of the difficulty is that we know the same fate might await us, sooner than we hope.

I struggle with compliments, too. I know I should say "thanks" when I get one, but I often find myself pointing out some flaw or how I have not been able to get to my desired weight. I am practicing just saying "thanks" but it's not always easy.

An abundance of food is everywhere in the U.S. Easily attainable, cheap and ready to eat!

Enjoy your time with your family and you do look great in your photos! I'm sure you feel great, too!

[cindyg1212 0]

Bandpal, what part of the Bronx do your parents live? I was shopping on Arthur Avenue a few weeks ago where my great-grandparents used to live. I am that fun mix of Jewish and Italian. Always delicious, fattening food no matter which side of the family we visit.

Sorry your dad is not doing well. Your mom must be an amazing woman. Wish I could have met up with you in the city. I have a big paper due next week for school and I'll be spending the weekend writing it. Going back to school at this age is not easy. At least I'm graduating this May, four days after my son's BarMitzvah. Enjoy this time with your family and relish those compliments. You deserve them!

[Foofy 0]

I struggle with compliments, too. I know I should say "thanks" when I get one, but I often find myself pointing out some flaw or how I have not been able to get to my desired weight. I am practicing just saying "thanks" but it's not always easy.

quote]

I know what you mean Shortgal. It's hard to just graciously accept a compliment. It's not just about weight either. I can't remember which comedian I saw who was saying somthing like "Why is it when you compliment a woman on a piece of clothing, they always have to tell you about the great deal they scored?" I'm ALWAYS doing that. Someone says "Hey I like your shoes," and I am sputtering about how I got them for 90% off. I just can't say "THANKS I love them too!"

[shortgal 5]

I've done that too, Foofy. Do the pants really look better just because they were on sale? I think it's easier to talk about the deal we got insterad of accepting the compliment.

I usually say something like, "well the dress is a little tight" or "it'd look better if my arms were less flabby".

Maybe the person didn't notice my arms, so why point it out?

I'm working on really believing that the person really thinks I do look good, and that's it's just not something they feel they should say.

Just another one of the many "head" things to work on!

[bandpal 7]

Hi, November Friends-

Tonight is my last night in America. I'm at my inlaws' in Huntington on Long Island. My four year old will get another look at snow tomorrow morning, just like he did on the night we arrived. In between, it's been two weeks of sun and rain, friends and family, joy and sadness... and tomorrow I leave it all behind, (along with four more pounds!)

Thank you all for your replies to my earlier post. I am grateful for your support and friendship.

Longhorn, stress and suffering aside, there were many good moments - thanks!

Cindyg, my parents are in Riverdale. I can't think about Arthur Avenue without puddles of drool collecting at the keyboard, which is bad form when you are a guest in someone else's home so enough about that (I am Jewish on both sides but was Italian in a previous life). My mom is amazing, and what she is doing is an act of love, but it is not without its irrational aspects. Hopefully they'll be able to make it over to me in Israel in February for their annual visit. Good luck with your paper, and more power to you for going back to school. What are you studying?

Shortgal, I suppose fear of my own mortality and decrepitude are indeed part of the mix. Hopefully, in between socialized medicine and the supportive nature of the the community I live in, I will find much more dignity and assistance available to me than my parents have encountered.

Lindata, you're right - I also eat out alot less. In fact, it's amazing how much of my existence I've had to redefine because food is no longer the center of my life, no longer the "thing I do" to verify that I am alive and experiencing life. I see this especially when I am travelling. How can you be in America and not have a pizza, a calzone, a pint of Haagen Dazs or an egg roll? The band has made me stop living life through my mouth, and this has been difficult, traumatic, even, but it is a path which I have committed my self to and on which there is no way back.

One more thing about food and culture - Longhorn, you're right: Israelis know how to pile on the food too, and nagging runs a close second to soccer as our national sport. I think the pervasiveness and sophistication of marketing is still more pronounced in America, but we are probably headed in the same direction, along with the rest of the West. And yes, Lindata - from what I've read, prevalence of obesity in Israel doesn't lag far behind America.

Wishing you all the best, you guys are great! Talk to you again from home -

Edited December 17, 2008 by bandpal

[shortgal 5]

Bon Voyage back to Israel, Bandpal. Thanks for sharing your trip "home" with us.

[cindyg1212 0]

Hi Bandpal! Hope you had a safe trip back to Israel. I'm working on my Masters in mental health counseling. I enjoy working with children and am now interning at a special school for emotionally disturbed children. The children have disorders such as ADHD, Oppositional Defiance Disorder, BiPolar, Aspergers, etc. I plan on obtaining my license and would like to someday open up a counseling center for children and their parents. For now, I'd like to work in a school until I can receive my license. I have to work for 3000 hours after graduation and take the NY licensing exam before I'm licensed. I'm graduating this May, four days after my son's Bar Mitzvah. Can't wait! I know that many sleepless nights studying and writing papers contributed to my weight gain.

[lindata 1]

"Lindata, you're right - I also eat out alot less. In fact, it's amazing how much of my existence I've had to redefine because food is no longer the center of my life, no longer the "thing I do" to verify that I am alive and experiencing life. I see this especially when I am travelling. How can you be in America and not have a pizza, a calzone, a pint of Haagen Dazs or an egg roll? The band has made me stop living life through my mouth, and this has been difficult, traumatic, even, but it is a path which I have committed my self to and on which there is no way back."

Yes, there's so many things that I've had to give up. I used to LOVE going to the movies. Now I realize it was really only for the popcorn. So now we rent movies at home (cheaper and funner!). I wanted to eat out all the time before and now we're saving a lot of money there too. We hardly eat anything anymore. My husband is marathon training and rarely has an appetite. I just can't get over how little we all actually need to live.