female only Need advise from the Ladies

[The Fireman 1]

First of all Im sorry to break into your forum,but I dont know what else to do.I have read most of the post made in this forum and you all seem so sexually liberated that reading some of this stuff actually makes me horney.About me:I was banded in Jan.2008 and have lost 77 pounds.Before my weight loss I had some problems in the sex department,if you get my drift.But those seem to have worked themselves out.Now, the problem.My wife of 29 years has formed a relationship with an "out of the closet homo"She swears that trhe relationship is just friendship.But there seems to be more to it than that to me.She spends the night with her Watching movies, she says,They also make weekend trips together.I suppose that the last straw was when she went away for the weekend with her on the weekend of our anniversery and never gave me a card or anything.This has been going on since about Feb.of this year and Im at the end of my rope.there is no need to spend the night with her only 5 miles away and leave me home to sleep alone in our bed.We have not had sex in about 5 months.I think that im the only one in this threeway thats not getting any.It is against my principals to have an affair,but that is where im headed.I have a lady friend that is single and made it plain that she is there when ever I decide I need her,but that is just not me.Please give me your comments and suggestions for my problem.Thanks

[Carrie_C 9]

I definitely think there is more going on than just friendship. I may be wrong, but I don't think there are that many grown married women who spend the night with their friends. (At least I don't). Red flags went off in my head when you said she went away with her on your anniversary weekend. That does not sound right. However, I do not think you need to start having an affair. That is just adding fire to the flame. I think you need to sit down with your wife and have a long talk. Find out what is going on. If she really cares about you and wants to save the marriage, she will be willing to be honest with you and work everyting out. If she is unwilling to talk and be honest, I would start looking for a good divorce lawyer. Good luck.

[kendallsmeme 0]

I am sorry to say that I agree with Carrie. I can't imagine spending nights with my friend just because and I certainly can't imagine being away from my husband on my anniversary! Look you have got to talk to your wife! Do not have an affair!!

[Jachut 487]

I agree - I've sometimes been away for girls weekends, but not one on one with another woman, that's an odd thing to do unless you have a romantic attachment. And its not OK to flaunt it as if its someone different to playing around with someone of the opposite sex. I think you need to confront her. Having your own affair solves absolutely nothing.

[The Fireman 1]

I definitely think there is more going on than just friendship. I may be wrong, but I don't think there are that many grown married women who spend the night with their friends. (At least I don't). Red flags went off in my head when you said she went away with her on your anniversary weekend. That does not sound right. However, I do not think you need to start having an affair. That is just adding fire to the flame. I think you need to sit down with your wife and have a long talk. Find out what is going on. If she really cares about you and wants to save the marriage, she will be willing to be honest with you and work everyting out. If she is unwilling to talk and be honest, I would start looking for a good divorce lawyer. Good luck.

I know what all you are saying is true but,divorce does not seem to be an option as Im 2 or 3 years from retirement.That means that half of my 401K and half of my retirement would go to her,not to mention my house and everything else that has taken a lifetime to accumulate,not to mention half of all that I inheirited including my oil and gas royalties.I should have also recognized a red flag when she opened her own checking account and started putting her pay check in it,but still feels free to use the joint account instead of spending any of hers.I just feel so helpless and companionship(even if not sexual)with another female would beat what I have now which appears to be nearly nothing.by the way,I have confronted her and she says she loves me.I havent told her that in a long time because that is not a term that I throw around casually.

Edited December 7, 2008 by The Fireman

[luluc 6]

couple of things fireman - and these are just my opinions.

opening a separate checking account is not necessarily a problem - i have one separate from my husband, however i had that since before marriage. after 29yrs to do so - would indicate preparation for separation...she's making a distinction of self vs couple by doing so.

my 2 closest girlfriends went through divorce, and were advised by counsel to prepare themselves financially autonomous as soon as possible.

now in those cases my friends were the primary bread winners - so they too felt the need to protect the stocks/401k/money market accts & so forth.

to think about just the money is easy to do; makes you think twice about actual separation....but would you rather be rich & lonely? or comfortable and in a healthy / thriving relationship - where you have someone who WANTS to be with you?

although your wife says she loves you - she's certainly not showing it & how long do you wait? it may not be what you want to hear, but i would seek legal counsel - if nothing else but to protect as much as you can and understand your options.

sorry your going through this !

[tapshoes 2]

Red flags all over the place in this situation. Perhaps the biggest is setting up her own account (obviously as a 'new' thing). DH and I have always had separate accounts, but that is different than all of a sudden setting up your own after 29 years. Like Luluc, I think she has received legal/financial advice and she is preparing for a life post-you. You need to seek similar advice.

Staying together because of the financial aspects is not the basis of a loving respectful relationship. Having an extra-marital affair will only jeopardize the situation.

Get legal and financial advice. Get your 'ducks in a row'; don't have the affair. Suggest and participate in counselling (with or without your wife).

Protect yourself.

[The Fireman 1]

Thanks ladies I appreciate all the tips im getting.I suppose rejection is worse than losing the money.I mentioned that the last time we had sex was about 5 months ago and at that time she asked me to wear a condom.I said why?I had not been with anyone else and she had a hysterectomy 17 years ago.She said "so you dont get me dirty" Now figure this after 29 years.By the way her new "guy",its a good thing she decided to go as a guy,because a sa girl she would be one ugly B@#$H.

[Carrie_C 9]

That makes no sense about the condom. I agree with everyone else, get some legal advise. Maybe there is something that can be done to protect you.

[luluc 6]

I mentioned that the last time we had sex was about 5 months ago and at that time she asked me to wear a condom.I said why?I had not been with anyone else and she had a hysterectomy 17 years ago.She said "so you dont get me dirty" Now figure this after 29 years.

wow - so there you have it.

you appear to have the goods she "use" to enjoy, but has now changed paths...

protecting yourself mentally / physically / financially is what you should be focusing on. good luck to you!

Edited December 7, 2008 by luluc
wrong wording

[cattoy71 0]

Wow, I wish you lucky in this difficult time.

I absolutely think that leaving you alone on your anniversary is very telling and wrong.

I must admit (and my husband would agree) that the majority of my girlfriends are actually very proud and open gay males. We spend A LOT of time together, and have even gone on several short road trips together through out the years! They are my second family, and keep me sane. However, my husband of 13 years knows them all and he is often included in our outings (I acually prefer that my husband sees them with me only occasionally, they are after all my friends, and many of them have the hotts for my very handsome husband!)

I couldn't tell from your postings how well you know your wife's friend, but it does definately appear that she is creating a lot of marital issues for you.

Please keep us all posted on what happens!

[ElusiveQuality 22]

Fireman,

I second Tapshoes comments

Get legal and financial advice. Get your 'ducks in a row'; don't have the affair. Suggest and participate in counselling (with or without your wife).

A similar thing happened to my brother. He was totally unprepared and took the worst of it (lost the house and half of his inheritance). I'm not saying your situation is desparate or hopeless, but you've built the estate, you've worked your half of the relationship for a number of years.

My suggestion is to find the sharpest divorce lawyer in your area and get his council. At least retain his services before your wife does.

Hopefully everything resolves itself amicably.

EQ

[BeckyinTn 0]

I agree with what everyone is saying. I had a former friend do this to her husband a few years ago. All of a sudden she had a "new best friend" and really had no time for any of her old friends. This "new best friend" took all of her time. What was sad about the situation is that her husband never saw it coming. He thought it was great she had someone to pal around with while he was deployed. (yes, his was military). She did end up with most of all they had accumulated during the marriage. Since he never saw it coming he had no time to prepare and protect himself. What he did end up with was all of the bills.

Worst case senario here would be if you end up getting a divorce that you would have to give her a percentage of what you have accumulated, but that would be better than her getting more than her fair share because you did not prepare.

[redmom 0]

I'd give you the same advise I'd give one of my girlfriends. Open credit cards in your name alone and close shared accounts, to keep her from running up the debt and leaving you with it. As much as possible, separate your finances. Open you own checking account and have your payched deposited there. You can then transfer as much or as little as you like into the joint account. If you have any financial documents that you need to protect, put them into a safe deposit box.

[The Fireman 1]

Just took a week of vacation and went to the hunting camp and did some thinking and resting.Have aslready begun the process of separating money (my checking account)and boy did the S@#t hit the fan.