Mental case: side effect fat

[Dragonwillow 0]

I'm not sure how to explain this but am going to torture you all by trying to muddle through. I recently heard a speech or whatever you call it on Sexual abuse and harrasement. Now...I have never thought of myself as being a victim of this, but this person obviously has triggered something. I can't stop thinking about what she said and this one moment in my life keeps poppingin my head when I do. When I was 16 my moms boss at the time grabbed at me and tried to kiss me....he said something about if I wasn't careful that I would end up as fat as my mom. His teenage son came in and kinda kept anything from happening. I remember telling my Mom, but she didn't believe me and said something to the effect I must have been mistaken.

Now here is the interesting part...or the part that has started making me thinking I'm mental. Looking back through pictures and videos of myself, I wasn't heavy at that time. I won't say I didn't have a weight promblem, because I did...I was dieting almost constantly...and in the typical teenage fashion doing it in not so healthy ways. But sometime around that time is when I slowly started gaining weight. I mean it wasn't sudden, but looking at my pictures you would think thats when my weight promblem started, because thats when my attempts to control seem to have started failing.

Now I have lost weight over the years...and to be honest I haven't thought about that incident in my life for years and years. But since hearing the speech its been tumbling around and around. I have a pysch evaul in August, and I really don't want to delay the surgery at this point....but think I might benifit from some type of body image counsiling as I loose the weight. Anyone else want to psycho anaylize me in the mean time . And if I talk about this now with the psych will it jeapordize my approval?

I have never before thought that my weight promblem was all that emotional, since my weight gain was slow except for the weight gained and not lost during my pregnancies.

Melissa

[j_war06 0]

Well, I see a psychiatrist and I am not an emotional eater or anything, I didn't gain weight because I ate when I was upset, I gained it because it was in my genes, and when I was depressed I didn't eat anything, and when I was okay I ate something, maybe not a lot, but it turned straight to fat. Basically I am severely depressed, but it is actually helping me in my appeal process since it is a side affect of obesity in my case. Basically, ever since I was little I have had a rear end the size of a prize-winning watermelon and perverted guys all through my life (the same age or a little older, sometimes slightly younger) would um comment on my *assets* and I finally filed sexual harassment by a class mate in 3rd grade, and it has stuck with me. It didn't make me feel good, I was 9!! It made me feel even fatter and outcasted. I had to file another sexual harassment charge my freshman year against a very large football player who continued to harass me all through spanish class and actually tried to put his hand in my crotch during class (through my jeans) and I moved away trying not to cause a scene right? Just a horny teen boy, but when he moved along with me and proceeded to make lude comments on the fact that I chewed on the top of my pens and pencils and that my rear was large, and I was the perfect size for him, and asking me sexual questions that were not welcome, I became very worried that he may rape me. Well it was close to the end of the semester and I thought he was a senior so I didn't worry about it, and just sat in a part of the room around ALL guys, with me in the middle, whether they liked it or not, and I was talking in class to someone one day and the boy had the audacity to slap my butt and grab it. That is when my hero, another guy that wasn't so big, but was PISSED stood up and defended me. Well that was all great until sophomore year rolled around and the harasser was actually a junior the previous year, and was in my algebra class. I am horrible at algebra, and his comments did not help. He was always calling me things like "big love" in the class and hallways, that was a clean one that I could post. Turns out he figured out the area that I lived in and then I was scared he would try to rape me for real, come to my house, now it was personal. After speaking to my mom, I decided to try and handle it alone, and spoke to the assistant principal (who is a stern woman) and she totally misunderstood my complaint, I did not care that he was calling me big, it was the touching that was unwelcome. So for a month he left me alone personally, but socially he ruined me, called me a racist and stuff, but in reality I didnt have a prob with his color, I had a prob with his ludeness. Anyways, he was eventually moved from the class after threatening me, my parents, and my bf that he would beat the **** out of all of us.

Also, I was in a theatre audition when I started talking to a guy who was so cool, and funny and I just thought he would be an awesome friend. After the audition he, not in so many words (not trying to be vulgar) asked me when I would perform oral sex on him. That is where that ended right there, I told him that you do not speak to a lady like that and yadadadadada like it mattered but atleast he knew how I felt right?

Anyways, I really havent had any sexual abuse, jsut harassment, and I am tired of it, if it were not for my weight I don't think these ppl in particular would have done this to me. I think they perceived me as weak because of my weight, and thought they could get something that they couldn't.

*sorry this is so long, but I haven't thought about it in a while, and never really related it to a weakness issue, hmmmmm thanks for the post

[loreli 0]

I dont remember there being any questions re: sexual abuse in the psych part of my pre op.

[gordonfamily3 0]

Melissa, I saw the same doctor you are seeing. What is going to happen is the lady is going to show you pictures and you are going to have to give a short story with a start, middle, end..you are going to have to tell their feelings and why it was brought on. They you will take the test...you want answer all of it. I don't think there was any abuse type questions on it. I do remember it asking if I thought about sex alot.

Hope this helped a little....

[Dragonwillow 0]

Thanks guys...I kinda regret posting this...as in the lightof day and normal hours I'm feeling a little silly.

Jodie I am sorry that happened to you, it sounds like you did the right thing and stood up. I can't imagine how hard it would have been to have ongoing harrassment like that. I was at least able to avoid my mom's boss from then on out, especially being alone in a room with him about.

Kim, thanks for telling me more about the test, I have been going crazy thinking it going to show I'm crazy LOL.

Loreli thanks I've already had the lets sit down and chat bit of test just waiting for the test he has to give me for my particular surgeon.

It probally doesn't help that hubby is out of town all week, so my best friend isn't here to keep my confidence fire stoked. LOL

Melissa

Melissa

[j_war06 0]

Thanks for understanding, I really needed to let that vent since I really havent said anything. I don't even go to school anymore, so I don't think about it. Honestly though if someone that much older than me had done that to me I probably woulda been scarred for life and felt weak, without the help of a parent doing to me what yours did to you. I can see as to where that could be some emotional scarring, but don't let it trouble you with the psychological part of the exam. The surgeon basically wants to know that you are competent enough to know that your whole life is going to change, but being "skinny" doesn't fix everything, its just a piece to the puzzle. I do not have to go through that process since I already see a therapist. So, goodluck

[the best me 6]

Don't regret your post Melissa. It brings out good conversation and thoughts from others. Even the tough stuff can be so helpful.

As for your situation, it makes ya wonder, I suppose, just how related what you learned from that is translated into your weight issues. I'll bet you get some other good replies!! I'd bring it up if I were you. Just mention that looking back at aold pics...you can see the pounds pack on after that incident. On the other hand, you were 16 at the time. It wouldn't be unusual for pounds to pack on anyway.

There are some good threads about "body armor" and that type of thing. Do a search or let me know if you need some help finding good ones. It might give you ideas getting info from old posts. Anyhow, your psych eval will go fine. Don't worry!!

Jodie, you have quite a story, young lady. I love reading your posts. You are funny and honest. It's hard to believe you are only 17. You have alot to give at such a young age. Watch out world!!

[j_war06 0]

thanks Kathy, atleast someone in this world thinks that what I have to say is interesting. I think you all find it interesting because you don't see me everyday like everyone else lol! I have been through a little bit of everything, instead of a whole lot of one or two things. I think I am supposed to relate it all together some day, hmmmm guess we will see huh?

[vinesqueen 2]

Jodie, you are my hero of the day! I am sitting here in awe of your strength of character.

I don't know if they felt like they could get away with that behaviour with you, or if that is their behavoiur towards their female peers in general. One of the things that may have been going on is that fat girls (or just girls who think they are fat) tend to have lower self-esteem.

During my psych eval, we did talk about prior sex-abuse. Good thing I've come to terms with my history.

[My_o_My 0]

IMHO it could be part physiological and part emtional (or psychological).

During adolescence and growing our body expends a lot of calories helping itself to grow and change - we use up a lot of fuel. As the growing ceases, the expendeture of calories begins to slow down.

So naturally, as we age it's easier to gain weight. And, despite the fact that you haven't really focused on it - an adult made an obscene innapropriate overture to a young girl (you), and then had the gaul to make a derrogatory, almost threatening statement.

Sometimes statements like that can just 'tip' where you are. You might have been doing ok - but then it happened, and you went for help - and the person who is supposed to believe you didn't. That could have just been the tipping point emotionally - and you took yourself out for a treat - because you were feeling low.

I wouldn't be suprised if the little extra you began to give yourself, combined with a metabolism that is beginning to slow - was enough to make a difference.

[Dragonwillow 0]

My-o-my you are right in that it was VERY wrong the way I was treated by him, and the fact that my mother didn't believe me (why would I make that up) was very wrong. I have a 13 year old, and if (and hopefully never) she ever tells me anything of this sort you can bet that I will believe her and do as much as I can to help her emotional over it. I would also have major issues with the person who inflicted anything like this on my daughter (even if they are similiar in age), it would NOT be swept under the rug.

I don't think I can blame all my weight related issues on it...obviously there is some over eating and exercise issues too. But the more I have thought about it this week the more I have wondered if it did some how give me persmission pyschologically to gain weight. I mean I had a great bf (now husband) that believed me and was plenty mad on my behalf. He has loved me from 135lbs all the way to 260lbs. He is always the one that gives me the pat on the back, puts up with my emotional episodes and all the baggage I brought from the relationship with my mother. I'm so thankful he came into my life when he did, he truelly saved me.

Melissa

[j_war06 0]

Wow, vinesqueen, you don't know how much of a hero you are to me, I have read your posts on "who has the craziest parents" and for you to be as fun loving a caring for your son as you are is a miracle and act of God because so many ppl would have turned around in bitterness and done the same to their kids just so the kids would know what they had to go through as a child. I have not done anything amazing, or even heroic, or even been through all that much, but sometimes it feels like too much. I do however see a psychiatrist because of stems from when I was little (I have always been depressed). Dragonwilo you really should try to see a therapist about the incident, and possible other incidents from your childhood (including your mom making you diet and never being accepting of you). I find it is soooooooooo much easier to speak to someone you don't know, one-on-one, because you don't feel like you have to hide anything, and you are not going to lose a friend by speaking to them about it because they are not your friend yet. The therapist will soon become the friend that you can tell anything and they aren't going to reject you for thinking that way.

I started going about a year ago, I was DEEPLY depressed, and could not just come out and say it because my mom doesnt believe in therapy and anti-depressents to this day. I would hurt sooooooo bad inside that I did begin to cut myself, and yes I have scars, but I would just freak on anything. I felt like everyone was leaving me, I couldnt trust anyone, especially guys (all my friends, including my bf, had moved during this period) and I felt like no one cared whether I lived or died. So, I went to the therapist, I was shady at first, I was very untrusting, but the 2nd meeting I showed her my cuts and bruises (when I couldnt cut I scratched) and explained to her my nightmares I had been having. I was scared, I felt like 3 ppl in one person, not like multiple personalities or something, just couldnt ever make up my mind about things. Sometimes I would take pills to try to kill myself, and by some miracle I lived through those days. I have always been depressed, and wished I was dead, but I am alive for some reason, becuase as much meds as I have taken I honestly shouldnt have a liver right now. Within 2 months of hypnotherapy, my nightmares went away, I stopped cutting everyday (went down to once or twice a month) and now I am completely clean. I can manage my meds, feel good about myself (well most of the time, most of you have read my posts and know what I mean), and am just ready to get my life back together. I believe this surgery is the final step in getting my life back together, to finally be "normal" and maybe not so defensive about stuff. Just about 3 months ago, I had a private ceremony where I took the box that I kept all my depressed drawings, letters, diary entries, everything, and burnt it, box and all. I felt soooo good while it was burning, I prayed over it and burnt it with incense and certain flower petals. It felt like it was finally out of me, but lately with all the pain, breaking up with my bf, fighting, my recently widowed crazy gma gettin married, and denials and stuff, I have been really depressed, but I hope I don't dip down again. It isnt me, Jodie, that dips down, I am a whole other person, I look and sound diff, but I am aware of it. I dunno I really am crazy, so thank GOD for Welbutrin and Trazadone

[Heather Joy 0]

Jodie, you have quite a story, young lady. I love reading your posts. You are funny and honest. It's hard to believe you are only 17. You have alot to give at such a young age. Watch out world!!

WOW!!!I had no idea you were only 17!!! (Or,at least i missed that part). you seem very mature,i totally agree with Kathy on that one! Its the people who have been through SO much who always mature very early and are typically the sweetest people in the world! Then,there are the others who are just down right mean and think they diserve an award!LOL

[j_war06 0]

Thank ya'll a lot, I really need you all. I am so glad I found this website back in April

[Thinjen 0]

I have an appointment in August to see a psychologist. I'm dreading it. I'm scared that she will find out that I'm crazy and lock me up. I don't think they have surgical suites in the looney bin- so no lap band surgery. I first thought that she would only be asking me about possible eating disorders. The only eating disorder that I have is that I consume 3500 calories a day and follow it with aerobic couch sitting.

I did have some stuff happen to me as a child. I don't blame this situation on my current state of obesity, but I would add it in the picture. Even now, when I'm out at night and see some suspicious looking guys, I think, "Boy, I'm glad I'm fat...they won't mess with me." How stupid is that? A scum bag doesn't have a weight limit on who they will rape. See, told you they will lock me up. If ya don't hear from me in August, it will be because they won't allow me to have computer access in the nut house.