Breaking Off An Engagement.....

FRECKLES3 · July 18, 2005

I Am 25 Years Old...i Own My Own Home, I Am Successful, I Have Lots Of Friends, I Am Fun, I Have Alot To Say, I Truly Am Beautiful......so Why Am I In This Relationship Ive Been In For The Past 6 Years?? He Is 25 Also, Lives At My Home, Hardly Helps Pay The Bills, Getting Ready To Go To School For The Next 2 Years ( So It Will Be Me Paying The Bills!!), Hates My Friends And Family, Borderline Alcoholic, Has Never Lived Out On His Own!!!!!, Comes Home At Any Time Of Night When He Feels Like It!!! Why Am I Engaged To This Man?? Im Mad At Myself, Im Mad At My Own Stupidity And Low Self Esteem. I Know Whats Wrong, So Why Cant I Be That Old Independent, Get Out Of My House Kinda Girl??? Weve Been Engaged For The Past 2 Years....no Wedding Date..we Always Seem To Find An Excuse!! I Truly Feel That We Are Just Both Holding On To Each Other Til The Next Best Thing Comes Along.....now That I Am In The Prospect Of Getting The Lap Band Done. Things Have Gotten Worse. Any Thoughts, Opinions??

maudeispam · July 18, 2005

I have been in your same boat. I always settled for less than best and never thought I could do better. My last boyfriend before my hubby was awful. He lived at home with his parents, was an alcoholic & drug user and cheated on me. He worked, but never had any money to spend on me. I can't remember him ever buying me anything. I finally had enough and said lets just be friends. I placed a personal ad on the internet and low and behold I am now married to a wonderful caring man. He is very supportive and loves the idea of me getting the lap band and getting healthy! Don't settle for less than best, you deserve the best!

Penni60 · July 18, 2005

It's never easy to break up with someone you have been involved with for that long. You get comfortable in the relationship. You sometimes take things for granted. If you want to save it then suggest you guys see a couples counselor. That is the only way I can see to save this. If you don't want to save it then cut it off now.

With all that said, please search your own heart and listen to what you truly want. If he doesn't fit that bill then you already know what you should do. I don't like to give advice because sometimes it can backfire on you.

I am working on my 6 year relationship myself and the counseling is doing wonders for us. You just gotta decide what YOU want in a partner. He does too.

I will keep you in my prayers.

HUGS big ole granny warm HUGS

the best me · July 18, 2005

LOSE HIM! RUN! DON'T LOOK BACK!!!!!

The timing is perfect because you will have all of the banding stuff going on and will be too busy to mourn. Think about it later, ponder your self-esteem issues later. Figure it out later. Just get him gone or you won't be able to think clearly. This messed up relationship and it's everyday interactions muddy the waters. First let it go. When you feel a bit more past it, then think about it. And don't argue with an alcoholic. You are enabling him and allowing him to mooch. QUIT! Tell him to get out, be a man, figure it out on his own, go, leave, be done. Don't let him sulk, cry, get angry, blame you, or make it your problem. He will. You know it. Can you tell I have been through a bit of this?! hehe You life will be much improved, I promise!!!!

Remember, you don't owe him anything! And you are not helping him by keeping him dependant on you. Silly selfish girl. Let him GO!!!!! Even if he doesn't want to (and why would he? hellloooo!)

Let us know how it goes. ((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))

PM me anytime!

Baby Phat · July 18, 2005

I know that it is so much easier said than done!!! Trust me, when you start losing weight, you will feel so much better about yourself. You will also have a lot more attention from men. You will soon realize that the he is just more weight that you must lose.

La_madam · July 18, 2005

With all that you just said in your post..why do you want to be with a man like that? You need to ask yourself that question .. If it were me, I'd a been long gone. You desreve better then that dont you think? Seem like a one sided relationship to me. You give and he takes. Not healthy!

July 18, 2005

Hi Freckles,

. . . everything Kathy said . . .

I've had some experience with this too. An alcoholic's sole purpose in life is to preserve the environment that allows him to keep drinking. Don't be a contributor to it.

My husband put it this way to a girlfriend of mine who was mourning her upcoming break-up with a guy who was cut from the same clothe:

"Remember, this is the best it will ever be. This is your courtship. This is when he's trying to woo you. What's it going to look like once he's got the security of a wedding band on his finger and doesn't have to treat you this well any more?"

Also, if you get married and he goes to school and doesn't work, if he decides to dump you and get a divorce, he may be entitled to spousal support and tuition etc. (whatever lifestyle he became accustomed to while you were married).

RUN FOR THE NEAREST EXIT!!

Godd luck.

LizzyD

giveyouthemoon · July 18, 2005

Hey Rachael, I went through a seven year relationship with a man who was a user and a taker. He rarely gave me anything in return and I worked my heart and fingers to the bone to make that relationship work. And it did...for seven long years. He was a heartbreaker. He didn't treat me that bad, just sucked me dry day after day until I couldn't take it anymore. I kept trying to break up with him but he kept managing to convince me to come back.

Finally....right after I'd spent a month in the hospital with my dying father he broke it off. What a loser eh? He left me just when I needed him the most. He had the chance to make good, to give back to me and he took his opportunity to run.

Losing him has been one of the hardest things ever in my life. But you know what? I'm FAR better for it! I'm stronger, happier, more independent. I see the world through better eyes now.

It won't be easy to end this....there will be many nights of you crying your eyes out from lonliness.....but in the end you'll be better and stronger for having taken back your life and your spirit.

You're planning on being banded and that is a HUGE change to make in your life. Don't be surprised if ending your relationship isn't the last of the big changes you'll make in the coming years.

Best of luck and HUGE hugs!

Alexandra · July 18, 2005

I'm in total agreement with the wise women here. There is nothing so life-destroying as a bad relationship that gives you nothing. YOU DO NOT NEED HIM TO BE HAPPY. Get out of this and save yourself. I ended an 8 year relationship just a few months after getting married and I am SOOOOO glad I did. It freed me up to find the real man of my dreams and we've been happily married for 10 years now.

Get loose and then get out and meet the RIGHT man. You know it's the right thing to do. It's not easy, but you'll be happier and healthier for it.

FRECKLES3 · July 18, 2005

Thank You So Much For Everyone's Support. I Was Really Nervous About Posting All My Feelings Out There But It Is Really Hard For Me To Talk To My Immediate Friends/family Since They Are One Sided. I Know What I Need To Do That Is For Sure But It Hurts So Much. I Have Realized That I Am A Victim In This Relationship And That I Have Given And He Has Taken. I Have Spoken With A Counselor Before And They Have Told Me About Alcoholics And How Many Victims Find It Just As Hard To Leave Because You Get Used To "taking Care Of Someone"....i Just Have To Be Strong And Get It Done Sooner Than Later. I Appreciate You Guys And I Look Forward To Strengthening My Ties Here

Maurice · July 18, 2005

I think it's been pretty well put on this thread. I could only add that maybe you could hold it all up in prayer for the wisdom and strength to follow through with whatever you decide that the Lord has in mind for you. You have plenty of time as no date has been set. I suspect after your banding and subsequent weight loss he may expedite his marital plans in order to lock you in.

teamsura · July 18, 2005

I have been married 40 years with a great guy (most of the time, haha). If your relationship does not start out with lots of love, respect and understanding, there is no hope it will last through the highs and lows that life sends your way.

With the lapband surgery, it will be alot easier to get through the first few weeks without worrying about someone else.

We all have choices for what we do with our lives and there is noone else to blame. We are where we put ourselves. So take the steps you need to make your life how you want it.

Good luck!!

Penni60 · July 18, 2005

I Have Spoken With A Counselor Before And They Have Told Me About Alcoholics And How Many Victims Find It Just As Hard To Leave Because You Get Used To "taking Care Of Someone"....i Just Have To Be Strong And Get It Done Sooner Than Later. I Appreciate You Guys And I Look Forward To Strengthening My Ties Here

The "taking care of someone" part will still be in place when you end this relationship only this time you will be "taking care of YOURSELF!"

The best advice I got from a dear friend of mine when I was going through my divorce years ago was "you gotta learn to LOVE yourself before anyone else can love you." I try to live by that every day. Yes, there are times I don't like myself much but I always LOVE myself.

So Love yourself now and we here at LBT will help nuture that along.

HUGS

Marimaru · July 19, 2005

My longest relationship is the one I'm in now, and that's been 3 years. But I lived with a guy where we broke up, and he kept lagging on finding another place to live. If you decide to end the engagement and break up with this guy, my biggest piece of advice envolved in that part is to give him a DATE by which he MUST be out of the house! Otherwise he'll just lag and lag and lag.....

Whatever you decide to do, I'm sure it will be the best thing for YOU and when it's all said and done, that's really what's most important sometimes.

j_war06 · July 19, 2005

I kinda know what you are going through. I just recently broke up with my bf of about 3 serious years because I felt like ever since he found out I am getting the band, he started distancing himself away from me and basically bragging about thinner girls that come around him, like he's trying to make me jealous. In reality, yeah he is a good looking guy, but he is a huge ASS, bigger than my real one lol, and I have since realized that he will always depend on me to provide for him and he will not want to do anything for me in return. I am still EXTREMELY emotional about the breakup but to make myself feel better I have decided to goto a college in a beach town on the Gulf of Mexico and think about how he will miss out on my love because no other woman can give him that, but he never returned it, so I am going to give it to someone else. He and I have been best friends for A LONGGGGG time and started dating, but I think he wanted me because I was a comfort level and he never worried about me cheating or dressing sexy or anything, but now that I am going to get banded he started pulling away and I got rid of him like a month ago. As far as I am concerned he is history, even when I get down and want him soooooooooooooooo bad I can't stand it, I remember how sexy I will look in a mini skirt and how he will not be able to have me when he wants me soooooooooooooooo bad.