anyone have a spouse that is not on board?

[kplant 0]

My husband is not very supportive. Doesn't seem to really care one way or the other but he isn't helping much. My best friend will fly in to help me with my kids the day of the surgery and for a few days after. Should I expect his support or just let it go? He definitely thinks it is some optional, plastic-surgery type thing. I, however, really need to lower my blood pressure. Oddly, after getting approved for lapband, my blood pressure meds kicked in and seem to be working (they weren't before, hence the easy approval).

[coltonwade 27]

My husband is not very supportive. Doesn't seem to really care one way or the other but he isn't helping much. My best friend will fly in to help me with my kids the day of the surgery and for a few days after. Should I expect his support or just let it go? He definitely thinks it is some optional, plastic-surgery type thing. I, however, really need to lower my blood pressure. Oddly, after getting approved for lapband, my blood pressure meds kicked in and seem to be working (they weren't before, hence the easy approval).

I personally think that a spouse should be on board for surgery , however , if my spouse had not been i would have done it anyway . BUT I think it woudl have caused some major issues if he had not. Most of the time when the spouses are not supportive its because they are scared and insecure. I personally find it a little ridiculous that a friend has to fly in to help you w/ your kids, i am assuming they are HIS kids too ? . Your husband cant or wont ? I think maybe some more "Schooling " of the band might need to be done w/ him and the band.

How far out from surgery are you ?

The closer to surgery i got the more my husband realized i was doing this and the more supportive he became. Most of my husbands issues were him being worried in general about me having surgery .

other spouses , espically those who have been married to someone who have been over weight the whole time tehy have been married are worried of what the other side will bring.

It might be a good idea to get into some consueling BEFORE surgery . Post op divorce rates are pretty high w/ WLS .

HTH

Mindy

[Mrsace13 0]

My husband knows this is going to make me happy since he has watched me struggle with my weight for well over 10 years of being over 200 pounds.

He is not really telling me if he is happy with it or not since one of my best friends had bypass and went from 303 pounds on a 5' 1'' woman to a size 6 after PS too. She was engaged to a man that she has been with for 8 years and my husband and I were with them two at least 3-4 times out of the month.

After she stated losing, her fiance started telling us that she was treating him real rude and he didn't know how to handle it. Then while she was out of the country getting MORE PS he lost his job so she called off the wedding. She started feeling real good about her new body and that is all she would talk about to where I didn't even want to be around her. She kept telling me to have bypass too (at this time I had never heard of LapBand). She started going out and drinking with her adult daughter and her friends, then started hosting parties at home. Now she has always been an entertainer, parties at her house weekly but she was not a big drinker. Now she was drinking so much (and you are not supposed to drink for a year after bypass). Finally, her fiance moved out, he could not handle her wanting to party and she could not handle him not wanting to party.

Now she is lonely, she is 50 years old, she is out drinking all the time looking for guys, looking for friends, she is just always drunk. Most of her good friends, including me, don't go over as much since there is just too much drinking.

I can tell my husband over and over that I would never turn out that way and that is not why I am doing this to dress sexy to go out but since we have known her for about 12 years, he knows and I know, she didn't get bypass for that reason, it just happened. Really it is sad to watch her even though she is very happy with her new body and she can do so many more activities and can breath and walk at the same time.

So, my husband is not asking me not to do this, he knows I want and need it. However, I know he is worried that I will turn out like her. I know I wont, but like I said, she didn't do this for that reason. She was just so happy that now finally after so many years she could dress nice, sexy and feel good in anything she puts on. She feels good that finally people look at her different. I can't blame her for being so happy, I can understand, we all can I'm sure.

I am still going to have it done once I'm approved and I will have to just show him, I wont be like her.

[*slim* 2]

I know that my husband was not really into me having the band put in. He was worried in general about me having surgery, but I think he was/is concerned that once I lose weight, I won't want him anymore. That said, he still was there for me for my surgery. He also took care of our son for the first week. Regardless of how your husband feels about the surgery itself, he shouldn't put extra stress on you by not helping with your children. That's just my 1.4 cents worth. I hope that he comes around. You shouldn't have to depend on your friend for support. If he isn't willing to come around, it might be time to get some counseling to find out what the real problem is. A man that loves you and wants you to be happy and healthy, shouldn't put extra stress on you by not helping. I hope it all works out for you.

[coltonwade 27]

Coming from someone who was thin when i met my husband then gained 100 plus pds then lost 100 plus pounds the weight changes you . The weight changed my personality , before my weight gain i had a up beat, fun loving, out going personality , After wards i was nearly a shut in . Did not want to be around people, did not want to go anywhere, did not want to be seen .

NOW If you ask my husband ( and people have ) how does it feel to have a thin wife or how do you feel that your wife have surgery . his answer is this " I got my wife BACK"

And that is exactly how i feel . I am my old self and then some.

So if your spouse asks you if your going to change its not fair to tell them no , becuase i can all but guarantee you you will.

BUT You can tell them " I will be more fun, more active and more myself , i will be the real person i was meant to b e " If you feel like your an outgoing , fun loving talkactive person now , you will be that once you lose the weight and THEN Some. If your sort of a home body now , you probably will not want to sit at home anymore. If your spouse does , that is usually where the problem comes in .

So counseling before hand is a good idea if you think you will become different ( and different is not bad ) than what you are now .

Mindy

[bambam 0]

I wish your husband was supportive of you. When I first talked with my husband about lapband he wasn't thrilled. I think he equated the risks with those of bypass surgery. I kept plugging away and talking with him about it, letting him know new things I was learning about it. I also told him how it feels to be overweight (he never has been) - I told him about my health issues that seem to be growing each year, how self conscious I was when it came to simple things like going to an amusement park and wondering if I would fit on the rides, having to be embarrased to ask for a seat belt extender when flying, all those things that affect your self esteem. He is now 100% behind me and wants me to do this for my health. I can't imagine going through this without his support.

This is just my opinion, but you could have some real challenges ahead if he isn't all for this. I'm counting on my husband to back me up when I struggle or feel weak - if you don't have someone to do that for you it could be even harder.

This is the second marriage for us. While we are aware of the concerns a lot of spouses have and the marriage problems that can arise from one partner having increased self confident and self esteem, I'm 47 and the only male's attention I want is my husbands and he knows that.

Encourage your husband to attend some classes with you to see if that will help. I wish the best for you.

[abby1 0]

My husband and I have been married for 39 years from the time I was a size 8 to my heaviest and back down again. We have had our ups and downs totally unrelated to my weight gain and we have gone to counseling in the past. Since I can not get inside your heads or your marriage, I think it is important for you both to deal with your feelings and perhaps discuss it with a counselor. There may be someone within the lap band community who can talk to the two of you, otherwise you might want to talk with a counselor before the surgery to better handle the upcoming situtations.

[YngGram 73]

I wish your husband was with you on this but men can be a fragial group. I am sill in the very early stages of getting this done. My blood pressure is high, BMI at 44, foot and kneen pain and I am tired of shopping for whatever looks only OK, rather than what I want or is in style. My husband of 31 years is not giving me much info on how he feels about it. I had breast cancer in 2002 and he had a very hard time with it. He was very supportive in that and I found out later how badly frightened he had been trough the process. I think that now his concerns are primarily about me being on the table again. I also think he is a little concerned about the "after effects." I am a very outgoing people person; however there is no doubt in my mind that he will do all the right things at the right time. Talk to him and talk to him and .... He loves you and if you love him as well the the love will take care of everything. Keep your head up. :rolleyes2:

Edited November 19, 2008 by niterun
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[aubrie 6]

My situation is/was a lot like Coltonwade above. I married my husband when I was a size 8. I gained 100+ pounds too. My husband NEVER criticized me or berated me or confronted me about my weight gain. It was never mentioned and he said he loved me all the time. We just started having sex less and less often until it was almost non existant. That was NOT my choice. So I knew it bothered him. I didn't know just how much until I listened to him cry his eyes out one evening about hating to see me so unhealthy and how it broke his heart that he was going to have to wheel me around in a wheelchair one day and that I would die young. I was stunned. I went to a lap band seminar the next week and had an appointment for a consult soon after. It took 11 months to get approval but I didn't give up. My DH didn't even know what a lap band was, so he didn't suggest it, but once I told him about it, he was on board from the get go. He is my biggest supporter. And just like Coltonwade's DH, he said the same thing...."I got my wife back!" He's been so happy about it. It actually strengthened our marriage. It needed a shot in the arm. We are closer than ever. Although I know for some it doesn't work out that way. He is a little more concerned about men taking an interest in me, and seems a little more insecure, but as a result, he's a lot more attentive. I respond to the attentiveness with a healthy lust, so it has worked out great. Maybe he's just scared about the surgery itself. Men are so funny about things like that. You would be surprised if you could hear their true feelings.

[coltonwade 27]

My situation is/was a lot like Coltonwade above. I married my husband when I was a size 8. I gained 100+ pounds too. My husband NEVER criticized me or berated me or confronted me about my weight gain. It was never mentioned and he said he loved me all the time. We just started having sex less and less often until it was almost non existant. That was NOT my choice. So I knew it bothered him. I didn't know just how much until I listened to him cry his eyes out one evening about hating to see me so unhealthy and how it broke his heart that he was going to have to wheel me around in a wheelchair one day and that I would die young. I was stunned. I went to a lap band seminar the next week and had an appointment for a consult soon after. It took 11 months to get approval but I didn't give up. My DH didn't even know what a lap band was, so he didn't suggest it, but once I told him about it, he was on board from the get go. He is my biggest supporter. And just like Coltonwade's DH, he said the same thing...."I got my wife back!" He's been so happy about it. It actually strengthened our marriage. It needed a shot in the arm. We are closer than ever. Although I know for some it doesn't work out that way. He is a little more concerned about men taking an interest in me, and seems a little more insecure, but as a result, he's a lot more attentive. I respond to the attentiveness with a healthy lust, so it has worked out great. Maybe he's just scared about the surgery itself. Men are so funny about things like that. You would be surprised if you could hear their true feelings.

My husband NEVER said anything negative about my weight either, Had he we would not be married now .

The only thing he ever said was " if YOUR unhappy do something about it other wise stop bitching " Our sex life became no existant by MY choice. He has no problem w/ it .

But in my mind I was thinking " He's just having sex w/ me cause he's a man and well they have sex w/ anyone " he told me over and over he found me attrative still and I thought and told him he was lying there is NO WAY , I mean SERIOUSLY Look at my before picture ! PLEASE he was lying through his teeth LOL

Our marriage suffered mainly because of MY insecurities.

Like aubrie our marriage got better and better after surgery .

Its probably at a point where it would have been had I not gained all the weight.

I am very lucky.

I hope that anyone who does not have a spouse on board gets them that way !

[SugarFerret 0]

I'm sorry your husband isn't as supportive as you'd like them to be :/ I know how you feel but in a different way, my husband is supportive because he knows it will make me healthier and happier, but he's sad because he truly likes my figure now and is hesitant about the surgery because he'll miss my curvy figure. That and he worries I might leave him since, he's a bigger too, and he feels that if I'm smaller, I won't be attracted to him anymore. I try to explain I'll still be me and by losing weight I'll be healthier, and not become a different person. And that, of course, I'd still love him and want to be with him. But other than that, now he's my biggest supporter. So hopefully it'll work out for you in the end, kplant or anyone else?

[SanDiegoPhotog 0]

I think you should find out WHY he's not supportive -- and that might take some counseling or some talking things out with someone other than just the two of you. He could be scared of surgery. He could be scared of the person he thinks you might become. Who knows? But only through talking these things out can you get to the bottom of it.

My surgeon was very good at relieving my husband of some of his fears about me going under . . . not just for lap band, but for ANY surgery. My surgeon was very helpful and kind.

I also made my husband go to the mandatory informational seminar with me. When he heard the statistics about diet failures and since he knew how hard I really tried to stick to a program, he knew in less than an hour that the lapband was perfect for me.

Now, he is enjoying looking at his new wife . . . who gets closer and closer to goal with each passing day. But I'm not sure how he's going to handle the extra attention I tend to get from other men when I am thin (I've lost weight before, but never kept it off). My husband is actually kind of a jealous type.

My MIL was actually the one who, when I told her about the lapband, went straight into stories of her heavy friend who had gastric bypass and got super thin and then divorced her husband. I think she is just scared I am going to leave her son. But she's very adverse to change no matter what it is, so I took it with a grain of salt.

Good luck to you.

[needtoseemeagain 0]

My husband is not very supportive. Doesn't seem to really care one way or the other but he isn't helping much. My best friend will fly in to help me with my kids the day of the surgery and for a few days after. Should I expect his support or just let it go? He definitely thinks it is some optional, plastic-surgery type thing. I, however, really need to lower my blood pressure. Oddly, after getting approved for lapband, my blood pressure meds kicked in and seem to be working (they weren't before, hence the easy approval).

My husband was not very supportive originally, he is one of those people who can eat anything, jog or run 10 miles, and feel great! He also felt that I could do it they way he would. Well eventually, I asked him to just be educated about what I am doing and that I wasn't trying to change his mind, well after showing him info, testimonials, pros & cons, he saw that it was important to me and that it was not a magical surgery, he is now being more supportive. I had to be clear that this was for me and not him in my own head, you know?:cursing: