Some Days are HARDER than others

[j_war06 0]

Hey everyone, I havent posted a thread in a while because I have been doing great, but sometimes I just feel so unattractive, and about an hour ago I spoke with some of my friends that were hanging out at the local pool and I couldn't go because of my co-morbidities. I have finally realized that even if I woke up banded tomorrow that I will never get to be a real teenager because this horrible disease (obesity) has taken over my life! All of a sudden I just had a nervous break down, I realized that I didn't break up with my bf because he thought I was too fat (which he never said, I felt it was implied), but maybe he is just trying to be a teenager too. For the past 5 years I feel like I have been holding him back and mentally forcing him to feel like he needed to cater to me, but in reality everyone deserves to be a real teenager, even me, but that time is gone now, I will never lose the weight fast enough to be able to go out and do stuff like everyone else. I think my bf finally realized that I do have a serious disease and problems and that they will not be fixed in time to do much of anything, I just want my senior year to work out, but it's already July 14, school starts back August 15 and I still havent heard from the insurance company or my orthopedic surgeon, and I won't be able to go back (I have been homebound since March 1) until January. That means I'll miss homecoming, but its not like I even know those people, I haven't been to school enough to know them, I miss so much. I JUST WANT TO BE A TEENAGER!!! But we can't go back in time can we?? I have wasted so much time being fat that I forgot that I could be skinny, and everytime I think about the fact that I will be someday with this surgery it makes me tear up with happy tears, but then I remember that I won't be able to spend the new "skinny time" with anyone that I have grown up with. Lately I have been kind of crazy with jealously and depression, everything is getting worse because of the obesity and I am jealous that all my friends can go out and have fun and be teenagers, but I can't I have to stay at home on the couch so that my legs will be rested enough to go to college at night.

:cry P.S. Sorry to be such a downer all the time, but I really need this place to be able to let out my feelings and emotions to real ppl, not psychiatrists

[mousecrazy 2]

I know it is so hard for you, and I'm going to sound like another dumb grown-up who doesn't understand, but I'm going to give it a try and see if what I say makes any sense to you. I tend to think that the high school milestones, like homecoming and stuff like that, is quite a great deal over-rated. Now, I know it is important right now, but we need to look at the big picture here. I am 49 years young. I love young things, have young interests, and teach high school. You will be doing yourself a big favor if you can focus on yourself and your health RIGHT NOW, and push to the back burner all those things like boyfriends, and hyped up social events. When you are healthy again, and thinner, all that you think you have missed will still be there! While, I myself acted like a teenager until I was 40! Okay, not all the way like a teenager, but I had plenty, plenty of great times, and they beat the heck out of those awkward high school events. I swear. I promise. Take care of yourself, get your education, and nothing will pass you by. "It is never too late to be what you might have been." I read that on a Mary Engelbreit poster, and I thought it applied to someone of my advanced years (ha!), but it sounds like you might relate. You are the star of your own life, so get after it!

Cindy

[j_war06 0]

Thanks, I understand that, and I act like that most of the time, but for some reason lately it has really been bothering me. I was in the top 10 of my class until my co-morbities, and now I am barely in the top quarter, and I havent been to school in God knows when, and I am going to miss my senior year now. See, I am in a small town, and everyone knows everyone, except no one knows me because I can't get out of my house most of the time, and when I do, where ever I go I have to sit all the time so that my knees do not give out. I just don't know, I miss being around ppl my age, I am always around much older ppl, and have very very little interaction with anyone my age. I have never even been to a party because I have TMJ and used to have to goto bed so early I couldn't go plus the pain in my knees wouldn't have let me stay neway. Its just everyone has something to talk about, and all I have is something to complain about because I think that I am just going to go to bed one night and wake-up the next morning, but not be able to move anything, I just know it's going to happen. I can't even rely on my teachers to send me the work I need in homebound because they would rather say they sent it, and not send it and give me a 0 for the assignment. I FAILED HISTORY!!! I HAVE NEVER EVER FAILED A CLASS IN MY LIFE, NEVER EVEN COME CLOSE TO FAILING!!! I JUST NEED TO BE ABLE TO GO BACK SO THAT I CAN MAKE DECENT GRADES! I'll never get into college with grades like mine (although I stick to my guns that I turned in all that work, the teacher's word over rules mine, so I will always lose because I am a literal BIG FAT LOSER) I never win in life, never. I am so upset, atleast I won't know what I have missed right?

[the best me 6]

Chin up Jodie. It will all seem like a distant memory as you get older. The only things you will remember are the lessons you took with you.

I like your insight on how your boyfriend just wants to be a normal teenager and he deserves it and SO DO YOU! So you won't be in High School much longer (Thank God! I promise HS stinks and I have great memories of my HS years!) but there is So So So much ahead of you. Good grades are important, no doubt, but you will go to college and learn and have fun, too!

I know it's hard not to be distracted by the things that get you down and it's hard to see how things will be so much better. Not only do you not know what you have missed, but you have no way of knowing what's ahead of you that's OH! so much better! Just wait!! Adulthood is SOOOO GREAT!!!!!

By then, you will have grown and matured even more because of your travails, and who knows what God has planned for you! I guess what I'm trying to say is, perspective is everything.

And attitude is the ONE thing you can do something about. I'm not saying your situation is something to smile about. I know it sucks. And if there is any one place you can wallow in self-pity for a bit, it's here! However, you simply cannot give up, nor can you stay so down on yourself and victimized like this. KNOW that you will make it through and keep trudging forward. Don't give up! It gets nothing but better from here. ((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))

[j_war06 0]

Aww, you guys Im crying again, but it's becuz I know yall are right, I have to get this together, and get past it, and whip everyone's asses in between, I just think that sometimes no one cares that I hurt, and no one who can help wants to like my orthopedist and insurance company, and bf, and other friends, and college mates, and teachers, and so on and so on.......................................I love it on here, everyone is sooooooooo supportive, even when your being a downer

[La_madam 20]

Jodie, hang in there.. and call your insurance company, keep on them, let them know how important thisis to you. If you do not stay on them , they wont call..they havemillionso f othercustomers, you will getlost in the cracks. If you want this bad enough, then do not igve up..you know the saying when there is a will there is a way. Keep fighting the fightwith the insurance...sounds like you havea chance of being approved with your co-morbitities so keep on them

Good Luck

Cheer up, we are all here for you

(((hugs)))

[vinesqueen 2]

Jody, honey-bee, I'm so sorry you are in so much pain. I just want to let you know that I understand some of your pain and am so sorry for it. Some of us didn't get to go to home coming or Prom, and we were not homebound. Life gets so much better after high school anyway.

I garantee that failing one class will keep you out of college. I had a terrible high school GPA, I mean truly bad. But guess what, I'm currently on a full ride scholarship. It is never too late to go to college.

Sure, I'm old enough to be your mom, but I'm also a full time student.

Concentrate on your health now. If you need to take an extra semester or quarter, to finish with the GPA you think you can achieve, then you need to do that. That won't make you a failure or dumb; it makes you smart because you are taking care of yourself.

Do you have the option of an alternative high school? My son just graduated from the local alternative high, and it was the very best place for him.

[~c~ 1]

Jody,

I so feel for you!

What about internet learning or e-learning? Could you do that anytime during the day to catch up?

I remember high school and i can honestly say my life is so much better now!! Life is long and you have to change your "head talk"start with one positive phrase and repeat it every time you tell yourself something negative.Add one every few weeks and will start believing it just like you believe the bad stuff that runs through your head.

Find a journal and set goals for yourself.Even if it's a teeny tiny goal,you will feels so good that you will want to continue! Make telling yourself one beautiful thing once a day your first one.

Just like when you get the band,after 5 lbs you'll want 10 and then 5 more...baby steps, lovey!!!

Feel free to come on here and vent and cry...writting it down allows you to release it from your head and to stop thinking about it!

Love yourself,be your own best friend,beleive that you are WORTH loving yourself.YOU MATTER!Your health matters and your hapinness matters.

You are important!!!

C

XXOO

[j_war06 0]

I feel a lot better this morning, but I still have one question. Will I always be this bitter toward people who have always been thin? I am so bitter and falt out mean to those who have always been thin, not all of them, but most. Will I ever be able to look at a skinny girl and not think about her getting fat and outright hating her?

[vinesqueen 2]

I feel a lot better this morning, but I still have one question. Will I always be this bitter toward people who have always been thin? I am so bitter and falt out mean to those who have always been thin, not all of them, but most. Will I ever be able to look at a skinny girl and not think about her getting fat and outright hating her?

I don't think anyone can answer that question but you. I do know that bitterness will get you nowhere. Everyone has a different set of lessons they are here to learn. Some people need to learn acceptence of not only themselves but others. Not always an easy lesson.

One thing I do know is that many skinny girls think that they are fat, and have tremendous self doubt around what they look like. I know that while I was never skinny, I didn't have an accurate picture of what I did look like. I thought I was terribly fat because the scale and my doctors said I was fat. I wasn't, I took up the same amount of physical space that others took up. Many skinny girls are sooo insucure about themselves, and many feel that their body is the only thing they have to offer, so they neglect to develop other parts of their beings.

Do you really have extra energy to spend on hate? I know that I don't, plus hate isn't good for my soul or my kharma. Things attract like things. Love attacts love, hate attracts hate, indiference attracts indifference.

I have been ill used by some in my life. I could be bitter and full of hate and rage. But you know what? it only really affects me. And one of the lessons I've learned is that I have to be kind to myself. If I am kind to myself, I am more apt to be kind to others.

"Beauty is skin deep, but ugly goes to the bone." I don't know who said that, but to a great extent, I think it's true, except for true inner beauty, that always shines through.

[vinesqueen 2]

One other thing, because you have been through such difficulties that most people simply cannot comprehend, you have added depth and richness to your character and personality.

[maudeispam 2]

Oh dear Jodie,

I was in a similiar boat during my high school days. I missed most of my Junior/Senior year due to medical problems. I managed to pass my courses and graduate. (May 1990) I hated high school, because of the teasing and tormenting and my weight issues. High school was hell! I was never so glad to graduate and get on with my life. I have a good job, with good benefits, a wonderful loving husband, a nice home, a nice ride and many friends. I also have a funny and adorable Basset hound! (He is so Lazy!) Life is what you make of it! You are taking the right approach....get your health in shape, make some friends, take up some hobbies and just be thank you for you. You have a BIG ole heart like me that I can tell needs alittle mending, but once healed you go out and share that kindness and love with everyone. Best of luck!

[Wendyz3 0]

Jody,

You are blessed to be ahead of the game if you can learn one thing right now. That thing is that bitterness, anger, and jealousy does more damage to the vessel in which it is stored (you), than that which it is poured upon.

It took me way too much time to figure this out. Now that I have truly forgiven others and have gone to work on being the best me that I can, I feel so much happier.

I too, did not have the opportunity to participate in "high school things" because I became a mother at age 16, all alone, no bf, no dh, no family and no friends.

But I did continue so that I could graduate high school and prove people wrong that all teenage mothers are on welfare, etc.

I chose to work and try to get my family a little ahead as I married and had two other children.

I am now pursuing my dream of a college education and I am a senior at Central Washington University. I will graduate in spring with my Bachelor Degree in Elementary Education with a minor in Reading. I have always wanted to be a teacher and be the kind that students want to come to. My four year degree has taken 10 years because I have had to work to take care of my family. But no matter what happened in the past, or what happens in the future - I did it! I really did it!

You can too! You can do it! Stick to your guns! Find your resolve! Decide that you will get things done! Call your insurance company every single day! Do some research as far as getting your education online. It seems as though you are quite computer-literate! What a great talent! Use it girl! I know that you can do it!

[Wendyz3 0]

Jody,

Vinesqueen is right you know. We are all like vanilla yogurt in the beginning and through each experience or trial that we have endured and learned from, we become more flavorful. I choose to think of life experiences like that. So the more we have, well you know, the more colorful and flavorful we are - we are not just plain ol' boring vanilla yogurt:banana

[j_war06 0]

Thanks guys, I have become so hard because of my struggles. I finally opened up 2 years ago, and allowed myself to love someone, and now they are breaking my heart just like everyone else has done. I just can't learn to trust ppl because I feel like a used paper plate, ppl pile their crap on me, then throw me away. I just don't understand, I try to love and help, just everytime something happens, I dunno I am having a lot of hell lately, my bf has really hurt me over the past month, he will be romantic then just hateful, I dont get it????????