Family rant and rave - can't stand 'em sometimes

[lapbandtalker 0]

My mother passed away in Oct. I am the only one of any of my family who paid anything to get her buried and headstone.

I stepped up to the plate.

But, my sister had a flat tire and she asked me to pay for her tire....this the day before my mom was buried. This also is the sister who asked me to get flowers on my credit card and she'd pay me back.

Now, my other sister is getting married in MD next weekend...we've all known about it for 2 months or so. My sister, who never has paid me back says we should drive up together and split the gas.

Whew! I just paid 800 bucks for HALF the balance for my mother...got to pay the other half next month. I'm so broke. I've got enough for groceries and luch money...that's it! No Thanksgiving for us this year.

It's just me and my daughter and I'm on a fixed income...no child support.

Anyways, this sister who hasn't paid me back yet for the flowers has now called to say her electric got turned off AND she doesn't have enough to pay for gas. I tell her I was relying on her to pay me back for the flowers so I'd have my half of the gas.

Well, she's got a personal trainer at a gym! I skimp on everything and don't leave the house much because I don't have money for gas for day to day use.

I've got to get to Maryland for my twin's wedding...just gotta! I'll just take gas out of the grocery money and not eat as much....no biggie and a few weeks won't hurt anything.

But my twin will be hurt if I drive up all the way to MD and don't take my sister.

I'd want to leave Friday after school to get up there bout midnight. The wedding is the next day at 2. But my sister has to work until midnight and wants to leave then...and me drive!

I'm so mad! I don't know what to do.

Just suck it up, sacrifice everything and take my sister up there! Or just not go! Or what?

I really don't have the money to go...and I'm sure my sister will understand..the one that's getting married.

[MacMadame 81]

Can the sister who is getting married help you out with gas money?

[lapbandtalker 0]

Didn't ask.

And it isn't really about the gas money. I'm used to sacrificing. I just feel like I'm being used and used, and used some more.

And it's my own fault! I've allowed it.

I really don't want to go. I gained 4 pounds today overeating...stress is killing me.

[MacMadame 81]

I understand it's about being used. But maybe asking them to contribute will turn that around. Some people won't offer ... they are happy to take advantage. But if you flat out ask, they will do what is right. It's like they have an attitude that it's okay to get away with things instead of doing the right thing.

[BethFromVA 5]

Omg, that's so horrible! Heck, I wanna send you gas money now!

So... the sister who owes you all this money can find the money to pay for a personal trainer?? Wow... guess that's more important than the gas in her house.

I'd say if you want to go to the wedding, go without the freeloader. First, she needs to start taking care of herself. Personal responsibility isn't learned if people keep bailing her out. Second, why should you wait around for hours for her? Either she gets off work early and leaves when YOU are ready or she finds her own way up. Period.

[tapshoes 2]

If you want to go to the wedding, go. However, you are not running a taxi service, so your other sister goes when you go, and she shares the driving, and pays for the gas.

As for the personal trainer, well, we don't know - maybe she paid for a year in advance or something. However, as Beth has said, your sister will not learn to stand on her own two feet, nor has she a reason to, if someone will always be bailing her out. Helping her out once or twice, ok, but it seems like you are her walking/talking bank.

[lapbandtalker 0]

Thanks guys!

I cried and cried - my mom would handle this...but she's gone now.

I'm getting up there and the car is leaving at 4am. If she goes, so be it. But I surely won't ever trust her again.

My twin in MD didn't realize I footed the bill for mom's funeral. She thought insurance covered it all.

So, I am gonna do what I have to do. I even told my 18 year old she has to get a car next week...no more using mine.

I'm gonna be a B-word for a while...take care of me and my 13 year old.

[BethFromVA 5]

Thanks guys!

I cried and cried - my mom would handle this...but she's gone now.

I'm getting up there and the car is leaving at 4am. If she goes, so be it. But I surely won't ever trust her again.

My twin in MD didn't realize I footed the bill for mom's funeral. She thought insurance covered it all.

So, I am gonna do what I have to do. I even told my 18 year old she has to get a car next week...no more using mine.

I'm gonna be a B-word for a while...take care of me and my 13 year old.

FANTASTIC!!!

And seriously, don't look at it as being teh B-word. Unfortunately, there are those in life who see kindness as weakness and tend to use others. You sound as if you have almost been too nice, if you know what I mean. And there's nothing wrong with that unless you couple it with the inability to say no when it needs to be said.

My mother is like that -- but her problem is simply having a hard time saying no. People have used her (though in different ways -- not so much a money issue), but I have watched other people go through it too. It's very hard because they want to not hurt others by saying no or not being there, but in so doing, they get taken advantage of.

I'm glad to hear you are going to stand up for yourself! Trust me, those who have taken advantage of you will do all they can to get you back "in line" -- guilt you, be mad at you, punish you -- but you MUST stand firm. It's like retraining wayward children. Ever seen those nanny shows? Enough perseverance and even the brattiest of children WILL stay in that bed all night... after a lot of screaming and crying, of course. :cool2:

[MacMadame 81]

My twin in MD didn't realize I footed the bill for mom's funeral. She thought insurance covered it all.

Is she going to chip in now and cover some of the costs?

The thing is, people can't take advantage of you without your permission. They also aren't always going to pitch in and help without being asked.

I have a *really* hard time asking for help. But sometimes you have to do it and sometimes it brings you closer to people. So I'm working on it and getting better at it.