Life is not exactly what I was expecting...

[ghostbuster 3]

Sorry to be a Debby Downer, but, here goes. So the weight loss has been pretty slow but consistent, so I don't have to many complaints there. I guess I just hoped that I would get skinny and maybe guys would notice me and ask me out. That does not happen. My guy friends and most of the guys in my "social circle" will tell me how great I look and compliment me over and over, which is great, but it gets really old when you just want someone to back up that compliment with a date. Is that too much to ask? Maybe I need to move somewhere where no one knew me fat. I'm an easy size 12 now and I guess, I just hoped for a change. Maybe some of my "fat" issues was that I was hidding behind my weight. I could always say that I didn't date because I was fat, but I can't say that anymore and it scares me a little. Maybe it's just me that guys don't like. How sad is that. I swear I hear violin music in the background. I'm sorry to be so cheesy about this, I guess I'm just wondering if I'm the only one feeling this way...

[brownskin82 0]

I am sorry to hear that. You have to make sure that you take pride in yourself before others take pride in you. Are you confident in yourself? Does it show?

[texasweb 0]

I am sorry that you are not getting the attention that you need. I have not done the surgery yet, and married, so I am just going to give some suggestions.

Maybe your old friends still see as the old self as a jolly person who is just a friend. You can try to get some new friends who see you as you are today is one suggestion. The other is ask them out. There is no harm in that and maybe it will change the way the Old social circle sees you.

You have done a great thing. You had the surgery, lost the weight, look good, feel good, so go for it. They can only say no, but they might say yes and open up new paths to old friends.

Just don't get discouraged and get into old habits. I hope you the best.

[--SPEED-- 0]

Dear Debbie Downer listen this whole thing has to be about you and getting you healthy, not finding Mr Right, that will happen in time, take this time to focus on you, search yourself and deal with your "fat issues" we ALL have them or we wouldnt be here getting banded etc, other than the very small percentage of peeps who are overweight due to medical issue, the rest of us have issues that we have hid under all the fat if anyone tells you different theyre lying to you, give yourself a break, stop judging yourself by the lack of dating options and start investing in yourself, nothing more attractive than a confident lady.

keep your chin up and take care.

[DaMomb 1]

Sorry to be a Debby Downer, but, here goes. So the weight loss has been pretty slow but consistent, so I don't have to many complaints there. I guess I just hoped that I would get skinny and maybe guys would notice me and ask me out. That does not happen. My guy friends and most of the guys in my "social circle" will tell me how great I look and compliment me over and over, which is great, but it gets really old when you just want someone to back up that compliment with a date. Is that too much to ask? Maybe I need to move somewhere where no one knew me fat. I'm an easy size 12 now and I guess, I just hoped for a change. Maybe some of my "fat" issues was that I was hidding behind my weight. I could always say that I didn't date because I was fat, but I can't say that anymore and it scares me a little. Maybe it's just me that guys don't like. How sad is that. I swear I hear violin music in the background. I'm sorry to be so cheesy about this, I guess I'm just wondering if I'm the only one feeling this way...

dear DebbyDowner (jk)

One of the things I have learned is that if we don't learn to love ourselves fat, we will not love ourselves thin. I am waiting to be banded, but that has been my journey for several years now. I notice that I am noticed more now, and I am still fat (and old, LOL "44"). They don't necessarily notice the weight, they notice the attitude. I truly think I am cute. (Don't misunderstand me... I HATE being fat), but I say things like... "I am the cutest little fat girl I know". And it makes ppl smile. It is a battle, but one worth fighting and winning. Every time you think of a negative, counter it with a positive... My butt is big (small, flat whatever), but I got some nice knockers... My stomach sticks out... but check out my legs... they are nice!!! As women we tend to focus on all of our faults... it is not conceited to focus on our pluses. Think of yourself as attractive. (Not thin) Think of how much you could offer in a relationship. Ppl pick up on that.. I promise..

[Kalipso2 25]

i feel the same way... so no, you're not the only one!

i "gave up" dating a year ago this past July because i wanted to get my life in order... lose weight, gain self esteem, work out some issues with my family, stop letting ex-boyfriends just use me for sex.

i "told" myself that i wouldn't start dating until January of 2009 to give myself enough time to get my act together. that date is rapidly approaching and i keep telling my friends i'm going to postpone my "coming out" date until i hit a year with my band which will be April 2009.

the truth is... i'm scared that no one will ask me out come January. then what excuse will i tell my friends that i'm not dating? i go out with my skinny friend and the guys always want to by her drinks and since i'm her "fat friend" i get included. at least that's how my mind thinks.

i know i still have a lot of self esteem issues to work thru because i still see the fat me in the mirror even though i'm wearing a size 8 or 10.

maybe join a new social group where you know no one and have to make new friends and start off with people knowing the new you instead of the old you!

[lapbandgirl4life 0]

Why are you guys WAITING for men to ask YOU out? Approach them! Are you scared of rejection? Well, guess what it happens, and we all have gone through it. Nothing ventured nothing gained.

Also, like others have said, you really need to start loving yourself and be comfortable in your own skin.

[luluc 6]

lapbandgirl - love your avtr...

i was told a LONG time a go, when you least expect it, the person of your dreams will enter your life....you have to be in receiving mode, to acknowledge it.

i think new social groups is a great way to get yourself out there as YOU want others to see you; your current social situation - may not be willing to adjust to the new you. not a bad thing; just an evolution of a lot of friendships whether WLS is involved or not...just happens.

get out there!!!!

[ladybugchaser 0]

I agree with Brownskin...

I was invisible until I stopped wearing sloppy clothes and started wearing trendy items that showed off my weight loss...with that came the confidence...and with that came...well...let's just say LOTS of honks, whistles, double takes when I drive around. I am happily married but being NOTICED again was HUGE for me...and it started because I was 'dressing for the life I wanted, not for the one I had.'

GOOD LUCK!!!! It will happen when you least expect...and yeah....maybe YOU should ask them out!!! You little hottie!!!

[aubrie 6]

You've gotten a lot of good advice on this thread. I agree with all of it.

1. you may be in a rut with your old set of friends. They're "friends". Leave them that way and meet a new group of people that has more potential as "dating material". Expand your horizons. Join some new groups. Yes.... that don't know you as ever being "fat".

2. Spruce up your wardrobe. Many of us have been hiding behind baggy for so long it's downright SCAREY to change your image once you get smaller. Step out. Do the wild thing. Try some trendy new styles. Bright colors. Heels. ALLOW yourself to buy the things you LIKE. Not continue buy to things that cover and conceal in drab colors. that's just old habit.

3. Time to change that head talk in your brain! Don't listen to the you that always put you down. Make a conscious effort every day to change the chatter that goes on in your head to positive stuff. This will result in a change in attitude that will result in a change in how you come off to people. You may not even realize you need an attitude adjustment. Look in the mirror several times a day and tell yourself I am AWESOME and I am worth it!!

4. SMILE

5. Get out there and start getting involved in things that make you feel good about you. The exposure, the change of scenery, the positive vibes, the new people, the energy increase will do you a world of good. go dancing. Do some volunteer work. Do a project at church. Sign up for the holiday committee at work. Just do something different. Put yourself out there. Don't be scared. Mix it up.

[sandibly 0]

Love yourself first. I know heavy people that are in wonderful relationships, and i know skinny people that can't find a relationship. So i don't think the outside of a person is all that does it..... when you start loving yourself, you'll see, people will notice, and a confident woman is quite attractive.

[OH Juli 15]

what they all said.

Love thy self.

Wear clothes that flatter.

Ask a cute boy out, it is 2008 afterall.

Be kind to yourself.

[di1138 8]

Wait a second, this is 2008 ! You can ask a guy out! I agree with others that perhaps you have lost some confidence in yourself. Take a class or find some other group out of your normal circle. If you meet some one you like take him for coffee! This is coming from an old lady (58) I wish I could have asked guys out when I was young but back in the "olden days" it would have been looked down on!

[kimmyv 0]

I agree with what everyone has said.... But I would like to add something. I think we can all identify with the rush that being hit on can give us as women (or men). Even if we're married etc it is still nice to be hit on. And it is something that anyone of us would consider to be a really nice side effect of getting banded. :w00t:

Yes- it is about health etc.

But I think the confidence thing is like re-learning portions and eating habits with our band. There will probably be sliming involved. Either from some creep hitting on us or not having that creep hit on us. Anyway you look at it- it sucks.

I know for me--- the best thing I ever did for myself (pre-band but seriously single) was to FORCE myself to be comfortable being ALONE at a bar. Not like at a dance club but like at TGIFridays or Chili's. After work I would go and have a glass or 2 of wine or martini, a little appetizer or meal- no book or paper just to enjoy relaxing (ok-obviously pre-band but it still works). Even if no one talked to me-- I really got comfortable in my own skin (so to speak).

When you walk into someplace and actually don't care if some one talks to you-- EVERYONE will be dying to talk to you. But you really actually have to not care-not just say it because you don't want to be rejected etc. You do care- and I TOTALLY get it. When you think you are the best catch in the room (because you already are- band or not) you will be. I am not trying to be mean-- please don't take it wrong.

[ghostbuster 3]

Wow, that is a lot of advice to take in. I feel like I should try to condense it down into a list. I do try to be positive in my thinking, I really do. But every now and then I pull out all the decorations and have a pity-me-party. I wish I had the guts to ask a guy out, the fear of rejection thing is huge. Plus, I just want to feel like someone wants me. I know I could ask a guy out and we would have a great time. I just want to feel wanted is all.