pre-band/depressed/no support

[lovecats85 2]

I'm am pre-band but have pretty much 100% made up my mind to get banded. My problem is I am getting very stressed dealing with family members who are being very (in my mind) unsupportive. I know they are just trying to help me by telling me about so and so that lost 30 pounds by exersizing, suggesting I go to fat camp or hypnosis, lecturing me about how dangerous surgery is, etc.

It makes me feel so bad when people say why don't I exersize, eat better, etc. etc. etc.

Nobody understands that food is a drug and I can diet but I can't follow thru, I can exersize by my knees start hurting so bad b/c I'm fat that I can't follow thru. Even my husband who is normally THE BEST says he thinks I won't follow thru w/ any of the "normal" weight loss regimens b/c I have the band in the back of my head. I have to wonder if that is true. Of course, I tell him the band is no quick fix and it's just an aid to change my life and if I had the willpower I wouldn't need the band, etc. But then I wonder if I'm kidding myself and I wake up feeling bad like I should try to power diet and run around teh neighborhood but all I can do is sit here and be sad eating froster mini wheats.

I'm sorry to go off like this, I just need to know if anyone else has dealt with this, and how.

I understand why people don't beleive me when I say "I just can't" keep to a diet and exersize routine, and I realize I have no good answer.

I guess I'd just like some words of encouragement from people who do understand, rather than people who have been skinny thier whole lives and eat whatever they want, and have no idea what it's like to be trapped in a fat body w/ a mind of it's own!

[HotLikeHer 0]

Aww hunny, I am sorry you are going through this...

I also am pre band. Try showing your husband all the before and after pics, and tell them these people were just like you, yo-yo dieting, that this is a tool to help you eat less, and if you over eat you will be in pain. etc. Go to a seminar and have him go with you. It is easy for them to doubt, like the boy who cried wolf. But try talking to him, if your relationship is open enough, and let him know that for the first time you see the light at the end of the tunnel. Like there is hope for the first time to start living your life-healthier. And that you want to try and get this done now rather than another 100 lbs from now, and while you are healthy enough to get it done now and might now be later. Go to a Psychologist that has bariatric surgery experience and talk with them. Dont let those that doubt you bring you down or change your mind.... If you know you can do it, Then GO FOR IT!!!!!!!!!. Whats to lose? just some of you-that isnt you... Only you can ruin what the band can do for you.. But as your husband tell him you need his support in this that it is important to you and your health, and you dont want to regret not doing it. Or him regret not supporting you if something happens and you die from Obesity related health problems....cuz you didnt get this done.....

Good luck......

[lovecats85 2]

I have told him that and he has seemed supportive until last night when we were talking and the truth came out about he really felt. And it's not just him - it's my whole family and some freinds. I guess I told people about the surgery hoping they would be proud of me for finally standing up to my problems and wanting to make a change but instead everyone just thinks I'm pathetic b/c I can't run a mile a day or whatever.

Thanks for your kind words. I know things will get better, it just sucks right now.

[leatha_g 4]

I think everyone here has gone through the same type of thinking. No one WANTED to have to go through surgery, but ALL of us tried the dieting, the exercising many times over. Facts are that unless you can make this change in behavior FOREVER your body is going to return to what it knows. 'Dieting' is somehow unnatural for us, it's not easy to maintain the motivation to constantly diet and constantly be battling your own body through exercise. With the band, you have that little added governor which dictates what you can and cannot put in your mouth. It never goes away, so you can't become discouraged and go pig out or give up on the 'diet'. It reminds you that bread is NOT your friend and since you get to have so little food, it reminds you that Protein is much more important than chips or ice cream. Of course these things are hard learned and they take some sense of dedication on your part. Of course there will be days that you mess up and you 'slip' into your destructive food behaviors, but the band doesn't let you forget and 'slip' forever. It remains loyal to it's job, whether you do or not, so eventually, you have to return to compliance.

Have you ever lost weight and been able to keep it off for months? Years? Normally that is not the case with JUST 'diet and exercise'. Normally we lose the weight, then we promptly become complacent and begin to put the pounds back on along with a few of their friends. Obesity has little to do with what 'normal' people think of as 'willpower'. This is a disease, much like that of alcoholism or heroin addiction. Our bodies (and brains) have something that has gone haywire where food is concerned. Our sense of satiety went on the blink, our cravings, our emotional eating behaviors are all different. EVERYONE who has a band or a gastric bypass DID NOT choose to be overweight. NO ONE chooses that. If we had a choice we would have long ago been wearing a size 6 and swimming laps or hiking trails with vigor (insert your dream activity) instead of feeling miserable and hating to buy clothes because the large sizes all pretty much look like tents. No one chooses these things, BUT we can choose to get ourselves a band and regain our lives and get control of our out of control behaviors and at least try to salvage what life we have left instead of living it constantly battling our health or trying yet another diet gimmick or new exercise regime. With the band we CAN actually get to a place where those things ARE part of our lives because we can actually DO them now and we know that if we don't use those tools as well as the band we can still go back to where we once were and God knows we never want to go there again.

I say this is not a decision made by others. This is a decision made by one's self. A hard decision. An acceptance that everything else has failed and that I truly WANT to regain my life, no matter what it takes ( NO BREAD, NO Pasta, NO POTATOES, NO RICE, NO DRINKING WITH MEALS, EXERCISE, Water, Protein - CHANGE OF FOCUS). You can discuss this thing with people who you feel are safe and who will listen and you can tell them that this is ultimately your own decision. You love them and you understand their love for you and their fear of danger, but the danger of obesity far outweighs the danger of this surgery and you want to enjoy your life, not live it encumbered and miserable forever more.

I wish you peace with whatever you choose..

[rene2005 0]

I'm sorry and all I can say is that I have someone saying that to me too. Its hard unless someone is in your shoes. The only way I try to figure it out how they feel is I don't get anemics and feel they should just eat some cake. It helped seeing Dr Phil's show with an anemic on there.

Rene

[giveyouthemoon 4]

The responses these people are giving you are more about them then about you. Bear this in mind!

They are afraid! Afraid you'll succeed. Afraid you'll be disappointed. Afraid you'll be hurt more in the hospital. Just afraid.

You husband is scared that you will lose a bunch of weight and then decide you can do better than him. This is a common fear among spouses when women decide to have this type of procedure.

Are others in your family overweight? They could be jealous of what you are about to do.

This is all scary hard stuff to deal with. You've got to sort through all the muck and find what is about you....and what is about the fears of others. You can't make others feel okay....you can only take care of yourself!

And getting banded is a HUGE step toward taking great care of yourself!!

[vinesqueen 2]

Lovecats, I'm so sorry you have to deal with a bunch of nay-sayers. I think all the posts made so far are full of wisdom.

Keep in mind, that even the people you physically touch are not supportive of you, you will find support here. Unconditional support. Of course, there may be times when tough love is called for, and then some mete that out.

Good luck, and be kind to yourself

[Alexandra 55]

As Leatha says, we've probably all gone through precisely this phase. My husband took some persuading, shall we say, but when he saw I was serious and not "just thinking about it" he decided to learn more for himself. He liked what he saw.

Look, no one has known you as long as you have. Every person in my life who wasn't a blood relative thought I was going overboard, should be able to do this myself, etc. etc. My actual blood relatives, who remember the 5-year-old me constantly being told not to eat any more, were a bit more open to the idea. (I didn't tell them all, but I did tell a couple.)

I don't think it's surprising that other people who haven't been MO are doubtful. I would have been too. But none of that matters! The only thing that matters now is YOU, and whether you think it's the right thing for your health. Period.

[Tuff Enuff 0]

Here's wishing you strength and luck! I had some of the same things going on when I originally decided to do this. Mostly family and friends as I don't have a husband. The many diets and programs that were suggested were unreal! I took seven months between the seminar and the actual surgery so that I knew it was my decision and mine alone because it was my body and I would be the person living with the results for good or bad. I have to say six weeks out that it all looks good to me. Whatever your decision I wish you well.

[Zoe 6]

I just need to know if anyone else has dealt with this, and how.

I understand why people don't beleive me when I say "I just can't" keep to a diet and exersize routine, and I realize I have no good answer.

You've already received enough responses to show that other bandsters have dealt with the skepticism you describe... in fact, if you read some of the old posts in the support forum, you'll find that your situation is all too common. Plenty of people think that surgery is "the easy way out" of what they see as a moral failing, namely gluttony and lack of self-discipline. And you can bet that a lot of us have beat ourselves up for that same reason. But anyone who doubts the promise of surgery isn't paying attention: 95% of diets FAIL. That means that 95% of dieters eventually consider themselves failures.

Most of us bandsters were serial dieters who lost a lot of weight several times, but each time we gained back the pounds (and then some). We got sick of feeling defeated and -- I'll speak for myself here -- saw the band as an elegant solution to the problem of a bottomless pit stomach.

After the surgery, we still have to deal with our relationship to food. The band doesn't fix our heads (unfortunately). But it does give us a tool for managing hunger and food intake.

Keep on researching, lovecats. Read old threads with titles that interest you, including the "stickies" on the introduction, general discussion, and support forums. Whatever you decide, know that you are not alone in having to deal with friends and family who don't understand the band or for that matter what it's like to be subjugated by the food monster.

["Nita 0]

I'm sorry you are going through this. I had some of the same as well. My husband was not at all happy about my decsion. I finally quit trying to convince him and scheduled my seminar and just told him, I am going to do this. I think it would be easier on both of us if you tried to learn a little about it and come with me to the seminar. He did and once he learned about it and found it was nothing like the RNY that his cousin had, he was on board. As for my mother...LOL...let's just say she is my mother :tired which is never a great thing, oh well, you can't change people. You can give them the information and hope they change or just ignore them and focus on yourself right now. You have a whole board of people here who will support you and go through this with you. You aren't alone!!!!

[vinesqueen 2]

LoveCats, I just bumped a thread for you on Support. It's called "no rest for the wicked"

[swilliams2312 0]

I can definetly relate to what you are going threw. I too am having the same problem as you. My surgery is schedulal on July 12, 2005 in Monterrey, Mexico. I told my mother and some family members and they all had discouraging comments to make about me having surgery and going to another country to have it done. None of my family members will go with me to Mexico. But your know what? I prayed and ask God to help me and guess what? I have one of my closest friend who's going with me. It came as such an surprise. Not only she's one of my best friend she's like a sister to me. What's funny is at the time I didn't really want to go by myself but can't speak spanish not that well, but my friend whose accommanying me is spanish. Isn't God wonderful. I just wanted to give you an insight to you if you believe and trust the Lord no man or no one or thing can stand in your way, because Jesus already has taken care of ALL of your needs. I face many ugly attitudes and words from my family still. Whats hurt the most I thought family is suppose to be their when you need them but I figure out my friend who isn't blood related to me is the only one who is there for me. All may fail but Jesus is always there. I will pray for you and I know your not alone you have all of us here and you have the Lord. I know and believe that everything is going to be alright for you. All you have to do is trust and believe in God and in yourself. You only have one body so your doing the right thing to take care of it because our body is the temple of God and I know that God doesn't what you to suffer with your weight or what ever health problems you may have so I know you are making the right choice for having the surgery in the near furture. Again all your family members will feel bad and eat their words once they see you living and being happy when you are losing weight and living life the fullest.

[DeeJay 0]

I am going to be banded on Wednesday July 20. The Doctor wants me to stay on a low carb diet until then....I find that even difficult....I am a serial dieter.....tired of loosing and then putting it on again...I feel this is my only hope....I hear the same thing you do....where is your will power.....if they haven't been there....they will never understand....I have to do this for me....I feel it is my last hope.....please hang in there......