Please Listen

[Louisa Latela 226]

As my clients work to create physically, emotionally, and spiritually healthy lifestyles they begin to understand how they used food to numb uncomfortable emotions. Part of creating a healthier lifestyle means they must learn to sit with the awkwardness of feeling and at times go out of their comfort zone and express their feelings. For many this is a very new and scary task.

A common complaint from clients when describing how they have tried to talk more intimately with their spouses about their fears, vulnerabilities, and frustrations is that they do not feel heard or validated. They report their spouses often respond to such conversations by trying to “fix them” leaving them the impression that their feelings are somehow wrong.

It is so important for partners to understand that allowing their spouses to express their emotions in a safe and non judgmental environment is in and of itself very powerful and healing. Many of my clients have found the following poem to be quite helpful in teaching their spouses how to listen:

Please Listen

When I ask you to listen to me and you start giving me advice

You have not done what I asked.

When I ask you to listen to me and you begin to tell me why I shouldn’t feel that way

You are trampling on my feelings.

When I ask you to listen to me and you feel you have to do something to solve my problem,

You have failed me, strange as that may seem.

Listen!

All I ask is that you listen.

Don’t talk or do - just hear me.

Advice is cheap; 20 cents will get you both Dear Abby and Billy Graham in the same newspaper.

And I can do for myself; I am not helpless.

Maybe discouraged and faltering, but not helpless.

When you do something for me that I can and need to do for myself,

you contribute to my fear and inadequacy.

But when you accept as a simple fact that I feel what I feel, no matter how irrational,

Then I can stop trying to convince you and get about this business of understanding what’s behind this irrational feeling.

And when that’s clear, the answers are obvious and I don’t need advice.

Irrational feelings make sense when we understand what’s behind them.

Perhaps that’s why prayer works, sometimes, for some people -

because God is mute,

and he doesn’t give advice or try to fix things.

God just listens and lets you work it out for yourself.

So please listen, and just hear me.

And if you want to talk, wait a minute for your turn -

and I will listen to you.

Author Unknown

If you have any questions or comments about this post please feel free to contact me at louisa@louisalatela.com , www.louisalatela.com, www.wlslifestyles.com or

[new2tch 2]

Hi all,

I just wanted to say that I truly understand this article. I am in a place where I understand some of the emotional trigger which drive me to food. In fact, yesterday I came home from work and I fifteen minutes to spare before I went off to a class to do a presentation which I was feeling anxious about. Even though I knew it was wrong I ate apple pie. I do not know how to replace that behavior when I am facing anxiety like that. I was so caught up in the moment, it was like a release for me when I finished eating and off to class I went. What do other people do overcome a situation like this?

Thank you for acknowledging the fact these emotions exist for us and there is more to fact, other than making wrong choices when we eat.

Sincerely,

Cyndi

[Louisa Latela 226]

hi cyndi,

the first step to changing a behavior is acknowledging it's existence. it is really great that you were aware that you were eating the apple pie in response to anxiety. the next time you become aware that you are wanting to eat to soothe your anxiety think about the possibility of taking 3 deep cleansing breaths before you put anything in your mouth. then ask yourself how you will feel physically, emotionally, and spiritually 30 minutes after you eat that apple pie (or whatever the food of the moment happens to be..) will eating it support what you say you want to create in your life? will the situation that you feel anxious about change because you have eaten it (i.e. will it make you not have to do your presentation in class??)? think about how you will feel tomorrow when you wake up and know that you made a conscious decision to not eat in response to anxiety... ask yourself if there is something else you could do to calm the anxiety ( positive self talk, take a walk, call a friend, journal, listen to music, or just ride the wave of the feeling, (remember all feelings eventually pass)... etc...). if after doing that you still decide to have the apple pie, put it on a silver platter, sit down, eat very slowly, and savor every delicious bite... eat with passion and presence... and know that just because you made the decision to start to eat the piece of pie doesn't mean you can't decide in any moment to stop eating it. as long as you are clear about your intention of no longer wanting to eat in reaponse to uncomfortable emotions, you will find that your awareness will continue to increase, and your will be led to finding new ways of processing your feelings... in the mean time be really kind and gentle with you!

all the best,

louisa

[new2tch 2]

Louisa,

Well said! Thank you so much for the support. That was exactly what I need. I appreciate your response and understanding.

Sincerely,

Cyndi

[tpagern 2]

that was great ! Thanks

[dirtfarmerswife 0]

Well it has been a year since my banding in October of 2007. I have lost about 28 lbs, don't get me wrong, I am so grateful that those pounds are gone and I would not want them back for anything. It has not been a quick journey for me by any means. I have stayed off the forums because I get disheartened when I see the success of others in the same amount of time that I have been banded. I do have to say I have not had any weight return of which I have lost. I eat very little, I am thinking that possibly my age may be against me and the lack of exercise. My knees are shot, they will more than likely need replaced some day. If anyone has some great tips or simple menu suggestions I am all ears. Congratulations and Best wishes of succuss to all.