My husband does not find me attractive!

[Mrsace13 0]

My cousin's myspace quote would certainly apply in this situation. It is "If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best!"

I have never heard that one, LOVE IT!!!

[mv031161 0]

Sorry to read about your moronic and shallow husband attitude towards you....

Use this as a motivation and I hope you leave his ass as soon as you get yourself back to where YOU want. Dont do it for him. Do it for you!

Unless he is an Adonis....what doess he have to say about his own appearances? he is not getting any younger either!

I hate shallow people!:biggrin:

[noosagirl 0]

Thank you so much for all of your advice, it means so much to me. I won't make any decisions until I have lost weight and I'm happy within myself. I know I am a good person and I would never intentionally hurt anyone which is why this is so confusing for me. Unfortunately I think I already know the answer though, but people do change and I am hoping that he will.

SORRY BUT NOW I HAVE TO VENT!

He smokes pot daily and has done for nearly 20 years and I think it is catching up with him, I have asked him in several times with many different approaches to give up. He is so critical of everyone and I knew this from the start, I feel like such an idiot. I always thought wow he must really love me cause he is so critical about everyone but me, but now it is directed at me. I like everyone,it is rare for me not to like someone and even if I didn't get along with them I would always be polite. My husband can be so loving and generous but its becoming less and less. I know things will get better for me I just need all your great advice! Thanks again everyone!

[tonya66 13]

My husband and I went thru the same problems. Right about the time we were at 10 yrs of marriage. He said mean and hurtful things. We finally separated, and I moved on with my life. I started focussing on me, he came back with his tail between his legs and begging for me to take him back. I didn't at that time, but I did agree to marriage counselor. We attented this for about a year, and this year we will be celebrating our 20 yr anniversary.

Our marriage is the best it has ever been and he tells me how much he loves me and how lucky he is to have me almost everyday.

My point is, its your husband that has the problem, not you. Focus on you, try not to let his hurtful stuff hurt you. If he truly loves you he will come around, if not, you will be better off without him. I strongly advice counseling, evenn if he doesn't go, you go by yourself. Mental abuse can do a lot of damage.

[Brandy~ 2]

First of all you're depressed. I would take care of that first and foremost. Secondly I would work on your weight issues... I would do this for yourself not for him. This is going to lengthen your life and you will lead a healthier lifestyle all the while this will help with your mental health as well.

Once you have yourself in order I would then make the decision of what you and your husband should do. The fact that he said that to you leads me to believe that he has his own issues. If his father is like that and he is showing signs of it then most likely he got the behavior from his dad. He might not even see the connection. I think he needs help for himself and for your relationship.

Like others said do not make rash decisions while you're depressed that have permanent consequences. Take care of yourself then take care of the relationship.

[andreerichards1 4]

I think we all change i know i have and if i would of like my self back then i wouldnt of married my husband. But i though i was going to be alone for the rest of my life.

[rulooknatme 0]

I too have been in the similar situation. I agree that if he really loves you he will change. It really is as simple as that. I went through years of that with my husband (then boyfriend). Almost 9 years to be exact. We will be married 2 of those years on the 28th. I don't know how I did it but I believe it was the love that held us together. It was always that "something" that kept me with him or vice versa. We have been together since we were 16. From the day I met him I knew I really liked him. At first he was nothing but charming but then his friends in high school teased him because of my weight. It was down hill from that point forward. The verbal abuse began. Here in the last year I really though we were going to get divorced. I thought I was so stupid to have wasted all those years with such a jerk when I could have someone that would treat me so much better. I was at my wits end. A few months ago we went out and came home truly "gone" but not enough to have the conversation that saved our marriage. Really it was him that needed to realize what he had. I am not saying that I was perfect but as much as he treated me badly I never treated him badly. I tried to out of anger but I just didn't have it in me. Back to that night.... It was like a light bulb went on in his head! He remembered all of the things we had done as two young people in love. It hit home. Every since that day he has been 100% of a different person! I am so glad that I stuck it out! He treats me like a queen. I know him and I know that he truley is genuine about his love for me now. No one will ever understand this unless they have experienced it for themselves. I am glad that we went through what we went through because it has brought us to where we are now. He treats me better now than I could have ever imagined!! I love him more and more each and every waking day. He is truley my best friend.

I hope that this helps you! I was depressed beyond depressed. I know how you feel. Deep down inside is the answer you are looking for. Follow the tug of your heart and never doubt the direction it is pulling you in. I say this because my heart always told me to give it one last try and I could never understand it but now I do. FOLLOW YOUR HEART! BE TRUE TO YOURSELF! Time will heal everything if you truley love each other and were meant to be. Even if you split up....time will heal your heart! Love yourself!

Please IM me if you want to chat! I know that I am young but I have been through a lot and I feel that it has matured me a lot. Please don't hesitate to lean on me for support!

God bless and good luck sweetie!

Edited October 10, 2008 by rulooknatme

[aubrie 6]

While my husband never said anything mean, or criticized or insulted me, he just quit being interested in me. He didn't touch me, hug me, cuddle me. In one year, I think we had sex about 5 times. It was awful. It hurt so bad. I constantly tried to be affectionate, like we always had been, and I started to think he had an affair. to this day he denies it. Despite this, he always told me he loved me. It was so confusing. Yes, I had gained 100 pounds. I was well aware how different I looked, but it still hurt. I came out and asked him about it, and he said that for me, sex is a visual thing, and with my weight gain, no matter how hard he tried, he just couldn't get past it. It had nothing to do with me personally. I started to think about getting a band at that point. Then one night he dissolved in tears and blubbered about how much he loved me, and it hurt him to the core to think that one day he was going to have to wheel me around in a wheelchair, and that he was terrified of losing me to ill health. THAT hit home. I started the banding process the very next week. It was the best thing I've ever done. We're like teenagers again. The sex is great and all is well. I feel good. I have confidence. I'm happy and no longer depressed. I have energy. We do things together again. We travel and go places because I'm not tired. We're like newlyweds again. I didn't realize how much my weight affected our marriage. My only regret is that I didn't do it sooner.

[Melolo 0]

WOW!:smile2:

I know it had to hurt when he told you that he would have never married you at the size you are now. Wow! Did he say anything positive about you as a person? I don't usually speak against a marriage but I would think prayer and counseling would be needed if you want to save your marriage. Me...I tell people that I'm the same Melolo fat or thin. Not much will change accept my body, the way I treat my body, and my confidence will be a little higher. The reason why I say a little higher because at 320 I still tell people to step off if they come incorrect. What's so funny I still have men checking me out. Boy, my poor husband is really going to trip when I get down to my goal weight.

I know if it was me it would be hard for me to stay with him. Because I would try to forgive but to forget would be the problem. Because I would think to myself...If he so quick to disown me because of weight...What if something more dramatic would happen. You have to understand women today face so many health issues that could happen and it be out of their control. Example... Like loosing a breast to cancer :wub: I thought it saids "in sickness and in health. I hope you don't let his negativity affect you and your self image. Stay positive and reach your goal. Be healthy and happy. If it has to be without him...Oh Well!

Edited October 10, 2008 by Melolo

[sistasassy 6]

Husbands can be extremely insensitive at times. It does not mean that he does not love you. I know (in my own head and heart) that I would be much more attractive to my husband if I lost weight. Men are highly visual individuals. What matters is whether he still loves you and still shows you he loves you.

When I lose weight, my husband will benefit and he will "visually" probably be more pleased. I am sure that if my hubby had met me at this weight, I would not have been his pick. That is part of marriage. We change and we love anyway.

I know a woman who told me that even though her husband is now well over 400 pounds and is very very round that she still loves him and is still happy to make love to him. She would love it if he lost weight because she is not exactly attracted to him at that weight but she will always love him and be with him.

I think you need to not make any hasty decisions, like others have said, and I would try to talk to him, either on your own or in couples therapy and see if you can get more out of him. Sometimes men don't always say ALL of what they mean. The Lord knows, my own hubby opens his mouth and gets himself into hot Water all the time but once we hash it out I am able to find out what he really feels and really means.

[gentylwind 1]

Honestly ( and I don't think this particularly applies to the OP's husband as he obviously has addiction issues himself), I wonder how so many of us can consider our problem with food an addiction type of problem, yet fail to recognize that part of any addiction recovery is the acknowledgement of how our addiction has damaged and hurt the quality of life of those we love. This can come in the form of not being able to do the things we enjoy to robbing the people we love of a person who was once fun and vivacious or at least not as obsessive about food nor living a lie of shame. I don't think it should surprise anyone, male or female, that if we were a certian person when we met them and then ceased to even resemble that person, emotionally and physically to expect their feelings for us to remain the same no matter what. We have a responsibility here, as we did this to ourselves and to fail to take responsibility for that fact whether a relationship survives this transformation or not is to fail to take the opportunity for growth and a failure to bury for good one of the excuses we gave ourselves in the first place. It is patentedly unfair to cry "Unfair!" about this. People love to say "But what about the vows?!". Well, aren't the vows valuable both ways? Nobody says that in the case of alcoholism or sex addiction or drug abuse or even anorexia. Why would it apply only for overeating/food addiction? I think part of keeping our own vows is keeping ourselves as someone who they can be attracted to and someone who CARES about themselves. I think every person here who is doing something about their weight is making a very lovable statement about themselves. But I wonder how many have actually apologized to their spouses for letting themselves get that way in the first place?

[aubrie 6]

Wow. Good point gentylwind. I never even thought of doing that. Thank you for bringing that to my attention. I think I will apologize tonight. I was hurting "us" without intending to..... but I still did. I'm confident enough with myself now, that I can do that. thank you and bless.

[Jewels68 0]

I think my hubby likes me chubby too, only because I think he's getting scared that I'm going to look HOT again and other people may think the same thing.

My surgery is in Nov. and he's starting to come around. I'm seeing a counselor for the surgery and now we are touching on my depression. So much for the one visit. lol But it's helping. I lost my job in May- and it's really been hard finding another one paying well. Now the kids are back in school I'm at home alone. I thought it would be great- but it's not.

Good luck!

[Melolo 0]

Honestly ( and I don't think this particularly applies to the OP's husband as he obviously has addiction issues himself), I wonder how so many of us can consider our problem with food an addiction type of problem, yet fail to recognize that part of any addiction recovery is the acknowledgement of how our addiction has damaged and hurt the quality of life of those we love. This can come in the form of not being able to do the things we enjoy to robbing the people we love of a person who was once fun and vivacious or at least not as obsessive about food nor living a lie of shame. I don't think it should surprise anyone, male or female, that if we were a certian person when we met them and then ceased to even resemble that person, emotionally and physically to expect their feelings for us to remain the same no matter what. We have a responsibility here, as we did this to ourselves and to fail to take responsibility for that fact whether a relationship survives this transformation or not is to fail to take the opportunity for growth and a failure to bury for good one of the excuses we gave ourselves in the first place. It is patentedly unfair to cry "Unfair!" about this. People love to say "But what about the vows?!". Well, aren't the vows valuable both ways? Nobody says that in the case of alcoholism or sex addiction or drug abuse or even anorexia. Why would it apply only for overeating/food addiction? I think part of keeping our own vows is keeping ourselves as someone who they can be attracted to and someone who CARES about themselves. I think every person here who is doing something about their weight is making a very lovable statement about themselves. But I wonder how many have actually apologized to their spouses for letting themselves get that way in the first place?

Wow! That's deep in way that makes you think. I guess I can relate to what you've said... but I think I have a problem with the way the husband is communicating his feelings. To put his wife down and degrade her is not the answer and it hurts her. How do you think she feels. I know I didn't think in a million years that I would've blown up to 320 lbs. But I've had to fight an illness not once but twice. The treatment I receive to help fight this illness did a number on my health and body. As a result of the treatment my thyroid was affected. Somedays I was too weak to even move. And I still have those days. My point is... I bet nobody could feel worse about their weight then we do. Sure it does affect those around us. Yes, as a mom I do feel like I've cheated my son out of a lot things. Yes, I do feel very bad about it. Yes, I've cried sometimes because I wasn't able to give him a 100% of me somedays. Does that give anyone the right to put me down? NO! The husband should be a help not a hinderance. If she needs to change the way she eats...Then he should be in the kitchen with her cooking healthy meals. Leave sexy notes under her pillow or on the bathroom mirror for motivation. Chase her around the house or on the track for exercise. Everytime she does a sit up he should be there holding her feet and kissing her when she comes up. Why bring her down when he should lift her up. But I do see your point.

[gentylwind 1]

Oh I TOTALLY agree with you. No part of me thinks it is okay to treat anyone that way..its abusive and wrong. But at the same time, I think it is wrong to say the vows ought to be enough or that someone should be loved no matter how they look or have changed or affected the quality of life, sex or the relationship. Just playing the other side of that coin. Just because we feel bad about being fat doesn't mean we should not be held accountable. Most of the people I have known with an addiction feel terrible for how their addiction has interfered with their lives and the lives of those they love. Feeling bad does not negate responsibility.