My husband does not find me attractive!

[noosagirl 0]

My husband does not find me attractive! He said he would have never gone out with me if he met me at this size. I am worried that when I have lost my weight and he finds me attractive again that I’ll be angry with him. He has said such mean things to me this year and I am finding it hard to get over them. I am not perfect and I have put him through a lot this year cause I’ve been suffering from depression, but I would never be mean on purpose. But the more I think about all the mean things he’s said the more agitated I become. We have only been together 7 ½ years but the last year has been terrible. His dad is really mean and negative and he is becoming just like him. I have tried to talk to my husband but he just says well your not perfect. Any advice would be great!

[USAGoosie 0]

It would be hard for me to stay with anyone who treated me like that - thick or thin.:biggrin: Maybe the true personality is coming out - whatever happened to the vows? If his dad is like that it sounds like maybe he needs to see a psychologist and work out his issues. You should work on your weight - which will help your depression (it did for me) and move on with your life. I know someone who spent 30 miserable years that way and the husband came in one day and said he wanted out. Best thing that ever happened to her. She met someone months later who treats her like a queen.

Good luck to you!

[IrishKat 0]

It sounds to me like your husband is the one with the problem. Only people that are unhappy would say mean things to someone they love. As you start losing weight you will totally come out of your depresion. I think you may need to consider couple's therapy b/c it will be hard for you to forgive him for being mean to you without help from an outside source.

It is unfortunate, but we do learn how to treat people from our parents and whether we realize it or not, we end up modeling that behavior in our own relationships. However, he is an adult and he can choose to behave differently!

All that being said, you DO NOT need to tolorate verbal abuse from him or anyone else for that matter. His words cannot change who you are! Hold your head up and be proud. You deserve respect!

Hope things get better for you. :biggrin:

[Apples2 19]

Scary thing is...sounds like his behavior is ingrained in him by his father. I would insist he see someone or the two of you go to a counselor together. No one deserves to be abased. He should be your best support system. It sounds like he has accomplished the job he set out to do. He has you beat down into doubting yourself.

Dig your heals in, go after your weight loss with all you have and try to make him see what his comments have done to you. If he does not want to go to counseling and change the way he treats you...I guess that would be your answer. There are some people that you can never please. Take care.

[speck 1]

Did you tell him you wouldn't have married him either if you knew he was going to be such an arse hole!!!!!!!

My apologies, I'm in a mischievous mood tonight.

Hugs to you.

[BlessedTwice 1]

I agree, concentrate on your weight loss and see his tune change. I really think its hard not to think of the terrible things he's said. You may or may not find that he is not the one for you. You need someone who is going to treat you like a princess everyday.

[Michee 2]

Hi Noosa

Since you have been battling depression, do not make any decisions that can be permanent.

One of my best friends suffers terribly with depression, and when she is in a depressive state, she is disengaged, and not really capable of good decision making.

You dont want to do something you may later regret.

[IM_LORI 0]

and I have the opposite problem. My husband (separated) preferred me heavy. But it's not just the size. If you can recall back when you were lighter, we act different. And once you lose this weight, you will see it again. A lighter heart, healthier outlook on life, more confidence, more energy, a joyous nature in your personality. Those are probably things he misses as well. So it's not just your body, it's probably a lot of personality issues that are different than when he met you. My husband is Arab and preferred a quiet submissive subserviant woman, non-confident woman. That is what I was when I was heavy. Right now I"m close to goal, and I am VERY outspoken, NEVER at a loss for words, I prefer to wear striking attention getting clothing, and I feel like I have a lot more to offer in life than cooking & cleaning for an ungrateful person. So there are probably more things that he is focused on than just your size. Be patient with him, nobody's perfect, but open the discussion with him on how much that bothered you. Instead of insulting you, he could have supported you in other ways to get the weight off. And maybe you'll find his dedication and support in your process with your band. And lets face it,,,,,,it's not attractive to be obese, laying on the sofa watching soaps & stuffing our face all day. If we believed it was, we wouldn't have gotten our band. There is a respect and admiration in a person who controls their life, their food, their weight, their mood, everything. It shows they love themselves enough to put themselves first, so that they are healthy enough to take care of those around them. :biggrin:

[Minxz 0]

I think talking to a marriage counselor is a good idea. It sounds like he is hurting you on purpose. Is he angry? At you or something else?

If you love someone you do your best to build them up not tear them down. We all make mistakes but this sounds pretty consistent. At the same time having a mate struggling with depression can be exhausting (spoken as sufferer and mate) and can make the mate attack if they start feeling resentful of it.

Communication is the only way it can truly be healed and it has be be with two willing parties. Not one.

I am sorry you are having to deal with this. Don't give up on yourself even though this sort of thing makes it harder. However this turns out you will be better off if you stick with your band!

[gentylwind 1]

His behavior is deplorable. I do, however, agree with IM_LORI. There are a lot of things that go along with depression and obesity that have as much to do with personality as physicality. And if we gain an insane amount of weight after marriage and still expect them to feel the same about us when we don't even resemble that person, physically or emotionally, I think we are to a degree refusing to take our own portion of responsibility for what is happening in the relationship and being unfair. I see nothing wrong with holding one's mate to a standard of good health. I DO, however, see EVERYTHING wrong with cruelty and abuse. You need support right now, not to be torn down.

[redhood007 0]

I think I would go on lose my weight and when I got sexy as hell I would leave his sorry butt because I do not think I could ever find a way to forgive him for the nasty comments he made about me....

[Ange05 0]

Did you tell him you wouldn't have married him either if you knew he was going to be such an arse hole!!!!!!!

My apologies, I'm in a mischievous mood tonight.

Hugs to you.

Exactly!! what an arse. I'm really sorry you have to put up with that type of behaviour, its not really what you need in your life.

My partner is always telling me, he couldnt care what size I was because he loves me regardless. I dont know quite what to say, but obviously it's not good having someone around that is going to make you more depressed.

[chiqui 0]

omg!!!!! sweetie... when u do lose the weight..... Get rid of HIM!!!!! Let him eat his lil heart out when he sees the new you.... I have gained sooo much weight since meeting my husband and he tells me all the time... dont do it for me... i love u the way you are..... do it for your health.... You deserve sooo much better than that!!!! How can u feel happy at all when the one person that is supposed to love you unconditionally tells you he would have never gon out with you if he met you the way you are now!!!! I tell you.... men are from mars... women are from venus!!!! Its sooo true.... .... I wish u luck sweetie... I think you should not only lose the weight but LOSE HIM!!!!!! Double the weightloss!!!!! good luck take care... chiqui

[Who'sThere 331]

My cousin's myspace quote would certainly apply in this situation. It is "If you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best!"

[Jachut 487]

What worries me is that he said it. That's what's mean, and that's what indicates problems.

I'd suspect a LOT of our partners found us less attractive physically as we got larger.

If I'm completely honest, I found DH much more attractive when he was thinner. Physically now he isnt really my "type". But over the 25 years we've been together, I've gotten to love HIM, not what he looks like. I hate the way he dresses too, it drives me mad. He is so conservative and boring.

But I would NEVER say that to him. Never. It would hurt him and I wouldnt want to do that and those arent the things about him that are important to me or our relationship anyway.

If your husband cant see past that, then that would indicate problems to me. I think counselling is a good idea, to sort through this before it becomes a matter of resentment that will eat away at your relationship. He might not even really feel that way, it might just be a way of striking out if he's feeling threatened or vulnerable.