Moving toward Being Single??

[notateechanow 7]

I know during my pre-op meetings that someone, somewhere along the line talked about how our relationships change after banding. I didn't listen (though clearly I should have!) because I denied that it could ever apply to me. My boyfriend of nearly 3 years has been so utterly supportive of me in this venture. He is a great man and I love him with all of my heart. The problem? He's not looking to get married. I'm not getting any younger, and at some point I realized that I need to move on. It's something I've tossed around in my mind (and yes, discussed with him, too!) for almost a year now. I'm not a neophyte with relationships. I've had a lot of long term boyfriends, but have thus far never been married. I am not sure I want to have children, but at 36 and moving toward 37 soon, I realize my time to have kids is nearing an end. I don't want to ever resent being in a relationship with my boyfriend. So...we've decided it's time for me to start the process of moving out. It's over a month away--November 1st. We're still going on our scheduled trip to Aruba for Columbus Day weekend. Crazy? I suppose, but I'm not angry or bitter. He's looking as forward to this trip as I and I don't want to take that away from him.

I know I'm not ready to date yet, but I feel this bipolar thing going on. (Not to diminish the actual disorder.....) I am so excited by the prospect of moving out and eventually dating again. I haven't dated at this size since highschool. BUT, every so often I get that deep sadness.....I'm definitely not an outwardly emotional person, but I find myself tearing up at things I'll miss most about being with him.

In some strange way, I feel like the band is somewhat to blame for this. My self-confidence has grown immensely since being banded and losing weight. If I didn't have the surgery, I may very well have stayed until it was too late to move on. I do truly love him, but I need to finally put my own aspirations for a husband and family first. Has anyone else ended a relationship after banding? I don't feel comfortable talking about this with my close friends because none know I've been banded. My boyfriend is one of the only people I confided in.......Please tell me I'm doing the right thing by moving on. I've never felt so full of doubts in my life!!!:thumbup:

[JUKU 1]

Oh, I feel for you. Unlike you, I have only had those relationships where I was used and not the long term commitment. I wonder if after my surgery (my date is tomorrow) people will look at me different and see me as a worthwhile person to spend time to get to know and not just use for the moment and throw away. I know that I should have had the self confidence to not let anyone treat me that way, but my self worth was just not there.May we both have the strength to "start over".Take Care,Julie

[notateechanow 7]

Good luck on your surgery tomorrow!

I do have to admit that I've been tremendously fortunate in my love life. I have certainly had the situations of being used, but did so knowingly. I settled for less than I wanted because I just wanted someone in my life. I've never had a huge issue with self respect--thank you Mom and Dad! I was a college athlete and learned very fast about how those "men" treated the women they dated very early in my dating career. I think that's why I was never wiling to put up with it. I am also fortunate to have a lot of male friends and a brother close to my age who would never allow me to allow myself to be used.

I think if I were being used now I'd feel differently. I'd be ok with leaving. I just don't want to make a huge mistake and cut loose a man who has been so selfless in helping me regain control of my life......

[gottaloseit 0]

Hi luv2teech, it appears to me that those feelings have been underlying for awhile now and since you've been banded you've had a chance to reassess your life and the direction that it's going in. I don't think it's just because you've gotten thinner, I think it's because you know that life can be different for you and that you don't need to settle for a lifestyle that isn't fulfilling . I don't think you should beat yourself up over this. I'm sure he's a great guy and you are lucky to have had him in your life, especially through a tough time like banding. But now you both have different desires for the future and it's OK for you to both move on. Enjoy your time in Aruba and good luck to you and your future.

[HeatherO 7]

Sometimes people have different goals for the future . . . and that is OK. It happens, but you should never give up finding personal satisfaction and reaching your own goals. It sounds like you are making the right decisions to me. In the end, you will probably be a lot happier than you ever could be if you are constantly wondering what life would have been like if you would have chosen a different route.

[meschultz 0]

luv2teech... You cant blame the band for regaining self confidence.. IF anything it is a big bonus for you. IF a man you have been with for three years is not ready to marry you.. No matter how much you love him. He does not deserve your love. If he knows your wish is to move your relationship further and start a family and after three years he is not able to commit to something then honestly I believe you deserve so much better.. and lucky for you that band made your confident enough to realize you deserve better... SO go get your new life and your new man .. someone who will love and cherrish you for everything you are and will be..

Nothing says you cant remain friends with your current boyfriend.. Just move on with your life and make sure you are happy.. because before you can make ANYONE ELSE happy you must be happy yourself..

Here is wish you a life full of love and happiness.. Best of luck :thumbup:

[tapshoes 2]

It seems to me that you are making a good decision based on a realization of what you want in your life. The fact that you are still emotional is natural, but it is better to end this relationship on a positive note now, then later with resentment and anger. This man can remain a friend, and still be an important part of your new life, but it is time for you to move on. Enjoy being single and dating, and I wish you all the best in finding a new man who shares your interest in commitment and family.

[notateechanow 7]

Thank you all for your thoughtful responses! For whatever reason, I don't feel like I can talk with my close friends and family about this just yet...and having you all reinforce my belief that it's time to move on has really been quite uplifting. I guess I just worry that I'm making a huge mistake. I have no doubt that I love my boyfriend, but staying with him and wanting to move forward isn't just unfair to me, it's unfair to put him in a no-win situation, too. I do appreciate the positive things you all said. Thank you. I feel far more confident knowing that I no longer need to second guess myself. It's hard to pick up and move on from someone who has been so wonderfully supportive and who has helped me grow immensely during our time together. All of my former relationships have ended in the way you said, Tap, with bitterness and anger. I don't want my friendship with this man to end. I'm not expecting that things will be exactly the same as they are now, but I think if I can still have him in my life in some capacity, I'll feel better.

Again, thank you all for being so supportive. :biggrin:

[Daisalana 33]

You need to do what is best for you, and it's not uncommon, there has been people posting about this before.

Count your blessings you guys are so amicable about it.

I've heard, it turns into someone cheating on the other, because of any number of reasons much like you stated.. feel like they're missing out suddenly when they get self-esteem back, etc. and it turns into a brutal war.. and kids involved.

You need to just keep looking forward to the future, and keep yourself number 1 :cool2:)

[StacieM 0]

I know this may not make sense for you, but your post inpsired me. When we are over weight, an not always a low self esteem, we settle for what we think we can get. It sounds like you love this man, but that you now know that he is not right for you. Nothing to do with the lap band, just loosing the weight has changed your priorities for you. Embrace your new prospects. Yes moving on is always scary, but you feel good about yourself and look great so you deserve a chance to have men interested in you for more than just your personality. Maybe this boyfriend is really meant to just be your bestfriend. Sounds like a great guy who just have different goals, which makes him a just a friend.

Either way, I wish you the best. Expect good days and bad days. Don't blame the band and stay positive. Children are not out of reach and neither is the perfect mate. Congrats on the weight loss.

[notateechanow 7]

Thank you, Stacie. :tongue: I really appreciate your thoughts.

[Candle 11]

It sounds like you are doing the right thing. If your bf is willing to let you go, that means he also really knows what he wants in life and it's not the same things you want - marriage and a family.

My boyfriend was with his last girlfriend for 7 years. They broke up about 6 years ago for the same reasons, she wanted marriage and children. He did not. They are still friendly but no longer FRIENDS and it seems she still holds a lot of resentment towards him. She feels like he wasted a lot of her time and he admits he was wishy-washy with her when it came to making plans for the future. He's since worked thru most of his guilt with a therapist but I think she holds him more responsible for what happened than she should. She never took the steps to end the relationship either and it’s not his fault that 6 years later, she’s still single. I only know his side of the story but I often wonder if they'd ended it earlier, would they still be friends?

My sister is a nurse at a nursing home and she says a lot of childless women express regret over never having children. I really hope that's never me some day. At 33, I really have no desire to have children and no confidence in my ability to be a good mother but my life has changed drastically in the last year. I find myself with a new level of self confidence & self worth. I'm doing things I never thought I would or could do. My relationship is stronger than ever but I do worry ... what if my biological clock starts ticking one day?

I can now understand why so many people experience relationship changes and/or difficulty after weight loss. Your life does change in many ways beyond the size clothing you wear and the food you eat.

Good luck and have a great vacation!

Edited October 3, 2008 by Candle

[notateechanow 7]

My sister is a nurse at a nursing home and she says a lot of childless women express regret over never having children. I really hope that's never me some day. At 33, I really have no desire to have children and no confidence in my ability to be a good mother but my life has changed drastically in the last year. I find myself with a new level of self confidence & self worth. I'm doing things I never thought I would or could do. My relationship is stronger than ever but I do worry ... what if my biological clock starts ticking one day?

I can now understand why so many people experience relationship changes and/or difficulty after weight loss. Your life does change in many ways beyond the size clothing you wear and the food you eat.

That's exactly what I worry about. I'm not in any position to have kids just yet....I live a very selfish life. I make great money and have a very stable job. But, I'm not ready to give my time up for even having a dog, let alone a child. I also want a stable relationship. I don't aspire to be a single parent. I have worked in the inner-city schools for over 10 years now and have seen first hand how hard it truly is. I know many people have done so successfully, but I doubt I would be one of them! I know I would be a great mother. I've certainly raised other peoples' children for so many years, but I'm just not ready to do so yet.

So here's the bottom line---I'm not ready to give up on my chances of having kids; however, staying with my bf may take that opportunity from me. I can't say that I'm ok with that, and I don't ever want to be able to point my finger at someone else and blame him for my situation. I am in control of my life. I care too much for him than to become a bitter ex. People never regret chances they take, only those that they allow to pass them by.....

Only time will tell if I've made the right choice. I'm ready to make a move. November 1st may come sooner than I'm ready, but I'll have to tackle this somehow. Thanks for your thoughts.

[Candle 11]

It's tough growing up and becoming an ... adult, huh?

[notateechanow 7]

Oh, ain't THAT the truth......