How do I deal with an unsupportive family?

[Guest BikiniBeachy]

Have any of you 'divorced' your families? I know that sounds so mean, but my fathers' side of the family is absolutely awful to me, and I am getting ready to go have dinner with them (haven't seen them in months). They are just AWFUL to me, and blame my weight on my mother who is obese as well and act embarrassed of me.

Last time my grandmother left a room I was in (on CHRISTMAS), she hugged me, grabbed my face with two hands, and at the top of her lungs said, "You are so gorgeous....STOP EATING!" and looked at everyone, laughing like she had finally put me in my place. My thin half-sister who never liked me constantly forwards me information on personal trainers and fad diets. My sister-in-law talks about how everyone BUT her always tells her "Can you believe how huge she got?" Like she is doing me a favor by tattling on me, when she is really just putting me down passive-aggressively. My grandmother left me a message saying that she saw on the news why I am fat, and it's because the "part of your head that tells you when you are full is broken so you just eat and eat and eat." Mind you, I never eat around them because I am mortified. I just seriously, cannot take this anymore.

Grandma called yesterday because I finally agreed to come over and they are treating it like a huge deal, and she said "I never understand what to cook for you, tell me what you want, but it can't be donuts."

I don't even like donuts? There is some old-person staple that makes them think I sit around and eat dozens of donuts? I don't even remember the last time I had a fricken donut.

She plays it off as being nice and caring and wanting to "make me happy" but then I freak out and lose it on them and they all attack me saying I'm spoiled and picky and things always have to be just perfect for me. I ended up telling her, "You guys give me such a hard time with my weight, I will just eat at home!" Next morning I received the same call, this time she said, "I just don't understand which part of the chicken you can eat." Sorry to say this, but grandma is an idiot - always has been.

All I am to them is an overweight person. They don't even know who I am. I'm 250 of disgrace, or something. Thanks for letting me vent, I just really really really want to talk to some people who have families like this. Sometimes I think the only reason I talk to ANY of them is because I love my dad so much. My mom says I should have nothing to do with them.

PS they know nothing about my ventures to get a band, and clearly never will...

Any advice?? Thank you so much

[RestlessMonkey 7]

Your profile doesn't say how old you are. If you are an adult living on your own, just don't go. Be too busy. Whatever. No need to "go off on them" because clearly that just feeds their negative opinion. Stay away.

IMHO your mom let them treat you like this when you were younger so they all think it's ok. You need to stand up for yourself since your mother never did....(it's not her fault but IMHO she shares fault if she let them treat a child like they treat you now)

Just say No thank you.

[Yayforme 0]

I'm so sorry to hear that your family is like that! I get a TON of crap from my family about my weight too...which is why I didnt tell them that I had the surgery either. Its so pathetic that our own familys, who are supposed to love us unconditionally, can be so rude and hurtful! There is a difference between being worried about someones health and being downright rude..and your family seems to have crossed that line (as well as mine..several times)! All of my siblings are thin, and they will never, EVER understand how hard, physically and emotionally, it can be to be overweight..and I think that if they had the slightest idea how it was they would just keep their mouths shut! I'm almost to the point where I want to tell them "if you want to have any kind of relationship with me you need to stop with all the rude, degrading remarks!" ...I hope things will get better for you..it sucks having your family act this way. Just know that there are tons of people here who support you and help you through the hard times.

[Tess415 1]

Binkini- WOW, that sounds rough!!! I wouldn't blame you one bit for avoiding that whole drama!!!!

What is your relationship like with your dad? It sounds like you really love him... is he supportive of you? I think he should tell his mother to BACK OFF!!! If you are doing this for him to keep things open with his side, he needs to let them know not to treat you like this or I wouldn't be apart of this freak show!!! If you do go, I would be prepared to steer the conversation about your accomplishments and your goals for the future and give them something else to know about you other than to worry about your weight. If they treat you less than politely and less than common courtesy that they would show to a perfect stranger... I would not do it again!!! For heaven's sake, they wouldn't talk that way to a perfect stranger about their weight or ask what they would like to eat that way!!!! How RUDE!!!!:thumbup:

[BeckyinTn 0]

You know you don't HAVE to go! IMHO it seems like they love having you over so that they can make themsleves feel better about how rotten their lives are by picking on you!

I for one would not go and if pressed by any of them why I didn't show up I will just tell them I had better things to do than listen to the rude and spiteful things that my family who is supposed to love me says about me! If is p's them off they have 2 options:

1. get over it

2. get over it

[*slim* 2]

I am so sorry that you are going through this with family. Unfortunately, family seems to be the ones that think that they can just say what they want and it be ok. It's not ok to treat people the way that you are being treated. You don't have to go. I agree with Restless, you can be too busy to go. That is completely up to you. If you do decide to go, I would make sure that they understand that kind of talk is no longer acceptable. If they can't do that, leave. It's that simple. Maybe if you put your foot down, they will finally see what the things that they have said have done to you. If not, they don't really care, and you are better off without them. That is just my opinion.

[Guest BikiniBeachy]

Restless - Thanks for the advice to not go off, sometimes it seems hard not too, but probably wise to steer away! Although, there is no way that my mother is in any any any way to blame for the way they treat me. Unfortunately, I left out that my mother and father are divorced, and one of the main reasons she states is because of how his family treated both her and me. If I didn't have her as a child, they would've torn me apart even worse. How can you expect a woman to stop words from being exchanged between two people? She couldn't have been any more helpful is defending them from me, and she has nothing to do with them. Yayforme, thanks for the kind words, I am sorry your family is this way, but relieved to hear this is similar to mine! Sometimes I feel like maybe I am bringing it on myself...but I know that's not the case, but can't imagine why they act this way? Tess, thanks for the advice, it is a good idea to steer the conversation to the good things I am doing. Slim, I love your image! I do agree with you that Restless is right in saying I can be too busy, that's usually the road I take with them, so I can vamp that up a notch. Life is too short to spend it with people that make you feel crappy, even if it's your own family, right? But I do secretly wonder if I lost 'the' weight if the dynamic of the relationships would change, doubtful, knowing them. Thanks again for all your responses, they are truly valued as always.

[RestlessMonkey 7]

I apologize for picking on your mom! I shouldn't jump to conclusions. :embaressed_smile: But just don't go be around them, they are so toxic, you don't have to submit just because they are family. Shame on them!

[noosagirl 0]

Don't tell them till about a month after your lap band and by that stage you will have lost weight and be on soft foods if you visit them. And tell them you got the lap band because all of them were so concerned about your weight and then thank them for caring so much. hee hee And then after around a year they will be probably be saying to you that they are so worried about you cause you've lost so much weight.

[BLUEZBANDIT 0]

Do what you have to do for yourself. You deserve it!

[moriah 0]

It seems to me that the best thing you can do is succeed with the lapband - for yourself. If you haven't told them anything, they will be so shocked after they see you have lost weight. You are doing this for yourself and for your health and not for them and let them know how much they hurt you all the time they criticized you. Every person has something - no one is perfect. We have problems with our weight - they obviously have problems with their personalities - being so insensitive and selfish instead of caring & supportive. Tell them that the best thing is for them to leave you alone and support you if you need it - accept you the way you are no matter how you look and that all those negative and condescending comments only make you feel bad. I know it is hard with the world's advertisement of thin is beautiful - but beauty (external appearance) is not everything. I know of many successful people who are fat. So what. What is most important is how a person is inside - how does that person interact with others and what does he think about himself. Don't let them bring you down - keep your head up high no matter what they say to you - and if they relentlessly continue to make comments, even after you have told them how you feel, just don't go there. Why to associate with them if they make you feel so bad? You sound like a wonderful, sensitive person and I wish you success with your lap band for a healthier, happier future - for good.

[*slim* 2]

It's sad to say this, but even when you lose the weight, they will have something else to disparage (sp?) about. Whether it is the weight loss or something else. I have family like this also. They seem to feel better about themselves, the more that they are able to make you feel bad. I really wish there was a way to actually pick your family. There is no law that says you have to do anything to do with them. Your life will be so much better without the stress of what they have to say. As overweight people, we have SO much more to worry about. You do what you have to do to make YOU happy. You can see your dad without seeing them. Invite him to dinner or do something special with him. Both of you will enjoy that one on one time with each other without interference from his verbally abusive family. Good luck to you.

[ja4332 0]

This is the saddest post I have read in a while. You absolutely need to separate yourself from the negative influences in your life! I know that this if your family, and they probably think that they are expressing "tough love", but in actuality they are destroying your spirit. You need all of the energy that you have within you to focus on YOU. These people have hurt you so deeply, don't you see that they have already ruined your day/dinner before it is even here.

DON'T GO!

[ElusiveQuality 22]

Have any of you 'divorced' your families? I know that sounds so mean, but my fathers' side of the family is absolutely awful to me, and I am getting ready to go have dinner with them (haven't seen them in months). They are just AWFUL to me, and blame my weight on my mother who is obese as well and act embarrassed of me.

I don't know about divorcing my family, but I have cut bad influences out of my life so I could live better. From what you say these people feel better about themselves but cutting down others. You don't need that in your life, especially now.

You're getting the band and will lose weight. From what you've said, you're probably right in that they will find new things to criticize you with (the band, why didn't you lose sooner, etc). Whether you tell them or not is your call, but if you go around living a lie it's another burden for you to bear.

Don't be caught in the trap of thinking "they're family and I have to...". Screw that attitude because you're husband's family is not treating you like family. Just because they share some DNA with your husband doesn't mean that either of you have any obligation to them.

You'll have enough lifestyle changes coming up to occupy your thoughts and efforts. You won't need more things on your mind. Dump the negative people.

Good Luck.

[GinaJ 2]

I don't plan on telling anyone in my family.

My family will not invite me to baptisms, weddings, or anything where people outside of our family will be there. I am the only fat one, and they have actually told me that I am fat just to get back at them. My mom would not let me visit her at work because she didn't want people to know one of her daughters is fat. I had to sit in the car while one of my other sisters went in to bring her something. My mom use to tell me that just when she thought I was as big as I could get, I would go and prove her wrong.

My family never saw me at my highest of 275. The biggest they ever saw me at was about 230.

I am 43, and have gone years without speaking to any of them. I have recently started talking to them, but that is because I moved away from them 3 years ago, so they don't really know what I look like now.