female only Funny Jokes

[stI24nger 1]

OHHHH EMMMM GEEEEEEE!

That is by far the funniest EVER!!!!

"What's for dinner, Batman?"

BWAH HA HA HA HA HA HA :tongue2:

[myturn0421 0]

I had forgotten about this thread, I get some really good ones. I need to post them more often!

Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent

over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just

kill herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out

his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart,

since it was badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden

to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly

where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, 'Your heart would

be just below your left breast'.

Later that night........ Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a

gunshot wound to her knee.

[Mrs_Mauricio 1]

Apples and Wine

Women are like apples on trees.

The best ones are at the top of the tree.

Most men don't want to reach for the good onesbecause they are afraid of falling and getting hurt.

Instead, they just take the rotten apples from the groundthat aren't as good, but easy.

The apples at the top think something is wrong with them,when in reality, they're amazing.

They just have to wait for the right man to come along.

The one who's brave enough to climb all the wayto the top of the tree.

Men... Men are like a fine wine.

They begin as grapes and it's up to womento stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable to have dinner with

[Mrs_Mauricio 1]

You've got to love this guy. This is a true story about a recent wedding that took place at Clemson University.

It was in the local newspaper and even Jay Leno mentioned it on his show.

It was a huge wedding with about 300 guests.

After the wedding at the reception, the groom got up on stage with a microphone to talk to the guests. He said he wanted to thank everyone for coming, many from long distances, to support them at their wedding.

He especially wanted to thank the Bride's and his family and his new father-in-law for providing such a lavish reception.

As a token of his deep appreciation he said he wanted to give everyone a special gift just from him. So taped to the bottom of everyone's chair, including the wedding party was an envelope.

He said this was his gift to everyone and asked them to open up their envelopes. Inside each manila envelope was an 8x10 glossy of his new bride having sex with the Best Man.

The groom had gotten suspicious of them weeks earlier and had hired a private detective to tail them.

After watching the guests reactions for a couple of minutes, he turned to the best man and said "F--- You!", then he turned to his bride and said, "F--- You!".

Then he turned to the dumbfounded crowd and said "I'm outta here!"

He had the marriage annulled the next day.

While most people would have canceled the wedding immediately after finding out about the affair, this guy goes through with the charade, as if nothing ever happened.

His Revenge: making the bride's parents pay over $32,000.00 for a 300 guest wedding and reception, and best of all, trashing the bride's and best man's reputations in front of 300 friends and family members.

This guy has balls the size of church bells.

Do you think he might get a MasterCard "priceless" commercial out of this?

• Elegant Wedding Reception for 300 guests: $32,000
  
• Wedding Photographs: $3,000
  
• Honeymoon in Maui: $8,500
  

The look on everyone's face when they saw the 8x10 of the bride humping the best man? PRICELESS! There are some things that money can't buy, for everything else there's MASTERCARD!

[myturn0421 0]

A REDNECK LOVE POEM

SUSIE LEE DONE FELL IN LOVE,

SHE PLANNED TO MARRY JOE.

SHE WAS SO HAPPY 'BOUT IT ALL,

SHE TOLD HER PAPPY SO.

PAPPY TOLD HER, SUSIE GAL,

YOU'LL HAVE TO FIND ANOTHER.

I'D JUST AS SOON YO' MA DON'T KNOW,

BUT JOE IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

SO SUSIE PUT ASIDE HER JOE

AND PLANNED TO MARRY WILL.

BUT AFTER TELLING PAPPY THIS,

HE SAID, 'THERE'S TROUBLE STILL.'

YOU CAN'T MARRY WILL, MY GAL,

AND PLEASE DON'T TELL YO' MOTHER.

BUT WILL AND JOE, AND SEVERAL MO'

I KNOW IS YO' HALF BROTHER.

BUT MAMA KNEW AND SAID, MY CHILD,

JUST DO WHAT MAKES YO' HAPPY.

MARRY WILL OR MARRY JOE;

YOU AIN'T NO KIN TO PAPPY.

***************************

(Kinda brings a tear to yer eye, don't it?) :smile2:

[gone 4 ever 6]

TOP TEN INDICATORS THAT YOUR EMPLOYER HAS CHANGED TO A CHEAPER HEALTH CARE

> PLAN:

>

> (10) Your annual breast exam is done at Hooters.

>

> (9) Directions to your doctor's office include "Take a left when you enter

> the trailer park."

>

> (8) The tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicles.

>

> (7) The only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.

>

> (6) The only item listed under Preventive Care Coverage is "an apple a

> day..."

>

> (5) Your primary care physician is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill

> last month.

>

> (4) "The patient is responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges," is not

> a typographical error.

>

> (3) The only expense covered 100% is "embalming."

>

> (2) Your Prozac comes in different colors with little M's on them.

>

> AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU'VE JOINED A VERY CHEAP HEALTH CARE PLAN:

>

> (1) You ask for Viagra and they give you a Popsicle stick and Duct tape

[HeatherO 7]

These are great, thanks for sharing.

[Blaze21 5]

This is definitely some funny stuff.

[Busybee424 0]

Ok this thread has been really funny and great, so I thought I would include a joke myself

You are on the bus when you suddenly realize ... you need to fart.

The music is really loud, so you time your farts with the beat. After

a couple of songs, you start to feel better as you approach your stop.

As you are leaving the bus, people are really staring you down, and

that's when you remember: you've been listening to your ipod.

[Gracey 7]

Mood buttons you can't wear to work:

I deleted the ones w/ the F and S words in them. If anyone is offended by the ones I did leave, I'll delete if you PM me or post on here.

Edited April 25, 2009 by SickNTired

[myturn0421 0]

Kinda long, but this one is my fav...

For those of you who wax, you will understand fully. Those who don't,let this be a lesson to you! :cursing:

hair Removal... (I don't have a clue as to who wrote this, but

.....WHAT A RIOT!)

All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of

easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and

now...the wax. Read on.........

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring

painfully in my mind for the next few hours:

'Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.' So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your (or wherever else) and you pull

the hair right off. No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other

stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees.

('Cold wax,' yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the

skin around it tight and pull. It works!

OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do

this! Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am She-rah, fighter of all

wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I

sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting

championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it *was* a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted. I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...must stay conscious.

Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip. There's no hair on it. Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip...it's not! I touch. I am

touching wax. I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG mistake...remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.

Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself 'Please don't let me get the urge to poop. My head may pop off!' What can I do to melt the wax?

Hot water!! Hot Water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest Water I can

stand into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right??? *WRONG!!!!!!!*

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to

torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued

together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub...in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few

months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter 'So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!'

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located, 'Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?'

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.

YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.

While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor. Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!!

By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need Post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving

grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax. What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!!

The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. 'IT WORKS!! It works!!'

I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I

successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT!

So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color... :cursing:

[myturn0421 0]

The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! This virus will wipe out your private life entirely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises. Take two good friends to the nearest liquor store and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system. You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is, sadly, controlling your life. Get help immediately.

[gone 4 ever 6]

The waxing one had me crying I was laughing so hard!:smile:

[sil 0]

can anyone link me to the blog that. someone caught this guy on camera. in his truck doing his thang.i saw it once but forgot. the link.it was on someone blog page,

[dixiedoo 0]

The boss had to fire somebody, and he narrowed it down to one of two people, Debra or Jack. It was an impossible decision because they were both super workers.

Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the Water cooler the next morning.

Debra came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went to the cooler to take an aspirin. The boss approached her and said:

'Debra, I've never done this before but I have to lay you or Jack off.'

'Could you jack off?' she said. 'I feel like shit.'