female only Funny Jokes

[Daisalana 33]

(Silent Treatment at the end is my favorite!!!)

~WOMAN'S PERFECT BREAKFAST~

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

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~WOMEN'S REVENGE~

'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.

'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me,

and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.

'

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~UNDERSTANDING WOMEN~

(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.

I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,

pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,

and still be afraid of a spider.

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~MARRIAGE SEMINAR~

While attending a Marriage Seminar dealing with communication,

Joe and his wife Ann listened to the instructor,

'It is essential that husbands and wives know each other's likes and dislikes.

'

He addressed the man,

'Can you name your wife's favorite flower?'

Tom leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, 'It's Pillsbury, isn't it?

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~WIFE VS.

HUSBAND~

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and

neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,

the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'

'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.

'

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~WORDS~

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men..

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'

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~CREATION~

A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be

so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;

God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !

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~WHO DOES WHAT~

A man and his wife were having an argument about who

should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first,

and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.

The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and

you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.

'

Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.

'

Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.

'

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says 'HEBREWS'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

~The Silent Treatment~

A man and his wife were having some problems at home

and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.

'

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests

[aubrie 6]

Tee hee hee. giggle giggle.

[Shalee04 7]

An old man in his mid-eighties struggles to get up

From the couch then starts putting on his coat.His

Wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks,

'Where are you going?'

He replies, 'I'm going to the doctor.'

She says, 'Why, are you sick?'

He says, 'Nope, I'm going to get me some of that

Viagra stuff.'

Immediately the wife starts working and positioning

Herself to get out of her rocker and begins to put

On her coat.

He says, 'Where the heck are you going'?

She answers, 'I'm going to the doctor, too.'

He says, 'Why, what do you need?'

She says, 'If you're going to start using that rusty old thing,

I'm getting a Tetanus shot.'

[Daisalana 33]

This was an add in craigslist, and then a response.

Lease With An Options to Buy

Okay, I'm tired of beating around the bush. I'm a beautiful (spectacularly beautiful) 25 year-old girl. I'm articulate and classy. I'm not from New York . I'm looking to get married to a guy who makes at least half a million a year. I know how that sounds, but keep in mind that a million a year is middle class in New York City , so I don't think I'm overreaching at all.

Are there any guys who make 500K or more on this board? Any wives? Could you send me some tips? I dated a businessman who makes average around 200 - 250. But that's where I seem to hit a roadblock. 250,000 won't get me to central park west. I know a woman in my yoga class who was married to an investment banker and lives in Tribeca, and she's not as pretty as I am, nor is she a great genius. So what is she doing right? How do I get to her level?

Here are my questions specifically:

- Where do you single rich men hang out? Give me specifics- bars, restaurants, gyms

-What are you looking for in a mate? Be honest guys, you won't hurt my feelings

-Is there an age range I should be targeting (I'm 25)?

- Why are some of the women living lavish lifestyles on the upper east side so plain? I've seen really 'plain Jane' boring types who have nothing to offer married to incredibly wealthy guys. I've seen drop dead gorgeous girls in singles bars in the east village. What's the story there?

- Jobs I should look out for? Everyone knows - lawyer, investment banker, doctor. How much do those guys really make? And where do they hang out? Where do the hedge fund guys hang out?

- How you decide marriage vs. just a girlfriend? I am looking for MARRIAGE ONLY

Please hold your insults - I'm putting myself out there in an honest way. Most beautiful women are superficial; at least I'm being up front about it. I wouldn't be searching for these kind of guys if I wasn't able to match them - in looks, culture, sophistication, and keeping a nice home and hearth.

-

THE ANSWER

Dear Pers-431649184:

I read your posting with great interest and have thought meaningfully about your dilemma. I offer the following analysis of your predicament. Firstly, I'm not wasting your time, I qualify as a guy who fits your bill; that is I make more than $500K per year.

That said here's how I see it.

Your offer, from the prospective of a guy like me, is plain and simple a crappy business deal. Here's why. Cutting through all the B.S., what you suggest is a simple trade: you bring your looks to the party and I bring my money. Fine, simple. But here's the rub, your

looks will fade and my money will likely continue into perpetuity...in fact, it is very likely that my income increases but it is an absolute certainty that you won't be getting any more beautiful!

So, in economic terms you are a depreciating asset and I am an earning asset. Not only are you a depreciating asset, your depreciation accelerates! Let me explain, you're 25 now and will likely stay pretty hot for the next 5 years, but less so each year. Then the fade

begins in earnest. By 35 stick a fork in you!

So in Wall Street terms, we would call you a trading position, not a buy and hold...hence the rub...marriage. It doesn't make good business sense to "buy you" (which is what you're asking) so I'd rather lease. In case you think I'm being cruel, I would say

the following: If my money were to go away, so would you, so when your beauty fades I need an out. It's as simple as that. So a deal that

makes sense is dating, not marriage.

Separately, I was taught early in my career about efficient markets. So, I wonder why a girl as "articulate, classy and spectacularly beautiful" as you has been unable to find your sugar daddy. I find it hard to believe that if you are as gorgeous as you say you are that the $500K hasn't found you, if not only for a tryout.

By the way, you could always find a way to make your own money and then we wouldn't need to have this difficult conversation.

With all that said, I must say you're going about it the right way. Classic "pump and dump."

I hope this is helpful, and if you want to enter into some sort of lease, let me know

----------

A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?" The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."

So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great University!" The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt !!!!! I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts?" The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?"

The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?" The boy replied, "Yes. Potentially, you and I are sitting on three million dollars, but Realistically, we're living with two hookers and a homo !!!!!

[Gracey 7]

I have come to the conclusion that a useless man is a disgrace, two are a law firm, and three or more are called a Congress." - John Adams (1776)

[Gracey 7]

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

[Gracey 7]

Hmm, I'd always wondered....

- The Silent generation,

people born before 1946.

- The Baby Boomers,

people born between 1946 and 1959.

- Generation X,

people born between 1960 and 1979.

- Generation Y

people born between 1980 and 1995.

Why do we call the last one generation Y? I did not know, but a caricaturist explains it eloquently below...Learned something new!

[Froggi 4]

LOL those are funny.

Shalee04 where did you get that pretty font at?

[Gracey 7]

TWENTY NINE LINES TO MAKE YOU SMILE

1. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't

2. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

4. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

5. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

6. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me.

7. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

8. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

9. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are just missing.

10. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

11. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

12. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

13. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

14. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

15. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

16. Being 'over the hill' is much better than being under it!

17. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

18. Procrastinate Now!

19. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

20. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

21. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.

22. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

23.They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

24. He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless DEAD.

25. A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

26. Ham and eggs...A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

27. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

28. The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

29.I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends! Life is too short and friends are too few!

[myturn0421 0]

INSTALLING A HUSBAND

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a

distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the

flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under

Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such

as Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable

programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0, and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the

system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3to fix these problems,

but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate.

Dear Desperate,

First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while

Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: I thought you loved me html and try to download Tears

6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that

application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run

the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband

1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please

note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the farting

and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law

1.0(it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control

of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend

5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband

1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited

memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider

buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We

recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Tech Support

[myturn0421 0]

SEVEN KINDS OF SEX

Results of a recent research show that there are seven kinds of sex.

1. The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.

* This kind of sex happens when you first meet s omeone and you both have sex until you are BLUE in the face.

2. The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.

*This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

3. The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.

* This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

4. The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex .

This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you."

5. The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex.

* Which means, you get Nun in the morning, Nun In the afternoon, and Nun at night. (This is Very Popular)

6. The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.

* This is when you cannot stand your spouse anymore. They takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

7. And; Last, but not least, The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.

* You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.

PLEASE DO NOT REPLY TO TELL ME WHAT STAGE YOU ARE IN.

I have enough problems of my own.

[Froggi 4]

LOLOL those were funny

[cierra'sgrandma 1]

Hope this cartoon goes through! I think most will be able to identify wth it!

[myturn0421 0]

Two Garbage Bags

A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk. Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says,

'Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of your bag.'

'Oh, really? Darn!' says the little old lady. "I'd better go back, and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me..'

'Well, now, not so fast,' says the cop. 'How did you get all that money, You didn't steal it, did you?'

'Oh, no', says the little old lady. 'You see,my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it comes.'

'Well, that seems only fair.' laughs the cop. "OK, Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?'

'Well, you know', says the little old lady, not everybody pays.'

[myturn0421 0]

The Black Bra

The other day I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends: One is engaged, one is a mistress, and of course I have been married for 20+ years.

We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by wearing a black leather bra & bodice, stiletto heels and a mask over just our eyes. We agreed to meet in a few days to exchange notes.

Here's how it all went:

My engaged friend:

The other night my boyfriend came over and found me wearing a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we made love all night long.

The mistress:

Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels and mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night.

Then I had to share my story:

When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said…

"What's for dinner, Batman?"