Dr. John Bagnato - Catharsis - this is a long one...

[ParaGirl 71]

First, I must apologize for this being so long, but if you are up to it, here goes.....

I must admit that I feel a bit like a failure. I was banded last October and quickly lost 55 pounds. However, I haven’t lost since at least March of this year. In fact, I have actually gained about 10 pounds back. <?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office" /><o:p></o:p>

See, my ex-husband and I are going through some serious problems. We are both remarried, but the woman he married is completely nuts. (this is my opinion.) I must also mention that he lives in SC and we meet halfway (2 1/2 hours drive) every other weekend for visitation. <o:p></o:p>

My husband has been in my children’s and my life for 5 years now. He is wonderful; he is the one who taught both of my boys how to ride a bike without training wheels. He is the one who taught them how to play baseball, and other sports. He attends all their football, basketball, and baseball games. For all intent and purposes, he has been their father for 5 years. <o:p></o:p>

We were always able to talk issues out with my ex, though we really didn’t “get along” so much. There were many times that we did things for my ex that were over and above what was expected - such as paying for his hotel room when he came down here to see the boys, or actually paying his way into Wild Adventures so he could go with the boys. We have also actually given him spending money for his visits with the kids. Just a lot of extra things, to make it easier for him.<o:p></o:p>

Anyway, since he got with his new wife, she has cut off all communication between my ex and me – and I mean about the kids. I never had other communications with him. <o:p></o:p>

He isn’t allowed to speak with me at all when it comes to the boys. I have emailed him concerns, but he rarely ever responded. <o:p></o:p>

Anyway, one time this summer, she picked up the boys for visitation and decided to accuse my husband of assaulting my boys. Keep in mind that I was present, and he NEVER hurt the boys. He HUGGED them and she decided to say he grabbed them by their necks. So anyway, my ex-husband decided to try to have my husband arrested (cops refused to, as my children weren’t going to lie for their dad and say that my husband hurt them, they told the cops he was hugging them), and he also called Child Protective Services to claim my children were being abused at our home. <o:p></o:p>

Of course, CPS investigated and found that my children are not abused.

This has all taken its toll on me. <o:p></o:p>

I am also dealing with the fact that one of my boys doesn’t want to go to visitation with their dad. I have to send them, otherwise, I could be held in contempt of court. I am constantly hearing about things going on up there that break my heart. My boys are suffering. Basically, their dad and his new wife hate me, and my boys are exposed to her children calling my husband and me names. It is so hard for them.<o:p></o:p>

I am a stress eater, and I have certainly eaten. I have eaten countless bowls of ice cream, plates of nachos, and boatloads of candy. I am totally out of control.<o:p></o:p>

Needless to say, I have gained back 10 pounds to show for this eating. I am so ashamed. I feel like I need shock therapy, hypnosis, something to stop me! <o:p></o:p>

I suppose this post will help me, it is somewhat cathartic to write it all down and get it out. <o:p></o:p>

Has anyone else found that stress eating is still something they deal with? I am getting another fill on the 16<SUP>th</SUP>, and I hope it helps. <o:p></o:p>

[ParaGirl 71]

I just re-read this and it sounds very ME centered. Please note that my boys are in therapy, and we are doing all we can to take care of their needs emotionally.

Thanks.

[crzytchr 3]

Wow, I am sorry you are going through this. It can not possibly be easy. You seem to be taking care of your boys' needs, that is signs of a good mom. BUT, you also need to take care of yours. You need to stay healthy emotionally and physically for them.

Questions, many of which you may not know the answer to yet:

• Is there any way that you can also go to therapy? This has affected you too.
  
• What recourse do you have regarding the false allegations that were made?
  
• Do they really HAVE to still go to visitation in a hostile environment?
  
• Do they (ex and new wife) really still WANT them to be there? You may learn that they find it a hassle and don't want them every other weekend. Maybe it can be spread out a little more. As the boys go through therapy, they will learn they aren't responsible for the behaviors of the adults.
  

This situation really sucks and no one, especially the children, should have to go through this. Again, I am truly sorry.

[ParaGirl 71]

What recourse do you have regarding the false allegations that were made?

There really isnt anything legally I can do, all he would have to say is that he truly believed that the boys were being abused. No way to prove in court what he did or didnt believe.

Do they really HAVE to still go to visitation in a hostile environment?

Yes, they ahve to go, no judge would stop visitation over this type of behavior. (I worked as a paralegal for 5 years, I have seen sexually abused kids forced to continue to visit the parent simply because a jury found them not guilty of sexual abuse...who cares that the child was the accuser.)

Do they (ex and new wife) really still WANT them to be there? You may learn that they find it a hassle and don't want them every other weekend. Maybe it can be spread out a little more. As the boys go through therapy, they will learn they aren't responsible for the behaviors of the adults.

In order to irritate me, he will continue to see the kids this much. I do not believe he wants them there this much, but would never be the one to say it. He is also very concerned about what people think of him and wants everyone to think he is "superdad".

Thank you for your response. I do realize that I need to find a way to deal with this myself.

I will do what I can to take care of me.

[crzytchr 3]

I understand how your hands can get tied. I wasn't sure how things were in your state. Here, it is hard too. They don't give kids a real "say so" until they are around 12 yrs old. Then, what the kids want have a real bearing on what goes on concerning how things are done. Again, I am sorry you are going through this. It can't be easy.

[nip50 2]

Paragirl - So sorry to hear about all of your struggles. Ex spouses and their significant others can put a real stress on relationships and mess the children up so much. I just hope that things get better and please try not to be so hard on yourself in regards to the band. We are only human.

[RosieJo 0]

Paragirl,

You and your family are in my prayers. I wish I had wise words to offer you that could fix your situation. Do you have a "mediator" or someone in your family (or his) who can intervene (sp?) on your children's behalf. Someone who might be able to talk to him alone with out the new wife around......