Unsupportive husband and mom...

[Leighann 0]

I have thought about WLS for several years, I have been overweight as far back as I can remember. The last time I saw a number on the scale under 200 was in 2001 or so, and even before that I was still overweight. I am now 260, and my bmi is 39.5. I have tried it all, Weight Watchers, South Beach Diet, Eat to Live, vegan eating... nothing works long term and I just can't keep the weight off at all. I just have no real stop mechanism and overeat constantly. :shades_smile:

I kept hearing about the lapband a lot recently (someone my mom knows had it done and we ran into her a week or two ago, heard about it on Dr. Radio, etc) and it made me again look into info on the web. I realized I am obese, almost in the morbid category and it terrifies me. I also went on CPAP in Oct 2007 and I am sure Wed when I see the sleep dr I need another study due to putting on more weight (following another diet that failed, ugh). I feel like the band is so much safer than gastric bypass, and with two little girls (1.5 and 5) I definitely want to be careful and do what has the least risk. So I've thought aboiut it a lot.

My mom went with me to a seminar last Thursday night. On the way she said she would support me either way I chose to go. My husband thinks I just need more willpower. He has only 50lbs to lose, I have like 90, so I just don't want to hear that at all LOL. He can excercise and eat well and it will fall off. I just can't get mine off. Anyway, he said he would keep the kids so I coiuld go (my mom could have but oh well... anyway).

I came home from the seminar a bit scared and confused but as I've read through the information, and weighed pros and cons I really think the combination of the band plus us joining a gym will be the way I can finally do this. He doesn't agree. He thinks it's "the easy way" and that I just need to learn how to eat better and go excercise. :thumbs_up: I have arthritis, so excercise doesn't come easy, and losing the big amt of weight in the first month banded will go a long way to helping me be able to move more.

I guess I am just wanting someone to understand and support me better as I go through this. My mom keeps saying "you know he said you can defeat the band or the bypass, he said how people get around it and then they don't lose" then she says "I think you need to do weight watchers before this, but that is just MY opinion" in a snotty tone. :thumbup::teeth_smile: I told her "so the last 4 times I already did WW really worked so I might as well try again, huh?" :biggrin:

I cannot do the surgery if ins doesn'ty pay so there is still a chance I won't even do it... but I want to be evaluated... thing is I need THEIR support and help with my kids during recovery... ughhh... anyway, sorry for writing a book, I am just tired of it. My mom found the last pg of my dr forms that had my diet history and her comment was "see, this shows you CAN do it yourself" I said "oh really, look at me this is the biggest I have EVER been, so apparently not!!" :laugh::thumbs_up:

ending this now... sorry again for the book!

[Mamacj 0]

Leighann, don't apologize, this is going to be the most understanding, supportive group of people you will ever communicate with, we are all going through the same struggle. I wish I had some words of wisdom to tell you that would make your loved ones more supportive, but I don't. Just like yourself and most on this forum, I tried it all, WW, TOPS, OA, medication, Nutrisystem, Lean for Life, and other programs I can't even remember. The result is I have 'dieted' my way to 312 lbs. It took me 3 long years to sway my husband to see I need this surgery, he is also obese but like your husband can eat right and exercise and drop weight like nobody's business! I think the turning point, unfortunately, is that my health started to suffer. I have always been a 'healthy' fat girl (irritating to him, he has developed diabetes and high blood pressure and is not as overweight as I am), now I am prediabetic, have sleep apnea, reflux and bad knees. He is even considering the surgery for himself (I think he is waiting to see how it works for me).

Do you have any other relatives or friends who might help you out? I know that part of my screening by the physicians office involved confirming I have a good support system. Whatever happens, please let me know and I wish you the best. CJ

[RestlessMonkey 7]

Part of this only you can answer. You can eat around the band by drinking milkshakes, eating Cookies, eating candy. You can eat around the band by grazing, constantly eating little bits of stuff.

The band works if you (once you're healed etc) eat 3 meals a day. My doc says NO Snacks EVER!! (caps are his LOL) some let you have a healthy snack. You have to get your head around that way of eating, and plan on having Cookies occasionally for Christmas say, or cake only on your birthday...

The upside...those 3 meals, once your band is adjusted (and that may take a bit of patience to find the right spot) you will be full, and stay full, for 3-5 hours.

You have to handle the "head" or emotional hunger. The band will take care of "physiologic" hunger.

Once you're ready for that, have your mom watch the kids and take your DH. Get some statistics on how many diets fail (95%, isn't it?)

Get some statistics on how likely you are, at 90 + overweight, to develop things like diabetes II. If he things fat people lack willpower, he needs an education. That is 1950's-1960's thinking. I have great self esteem and the willpower of a power station LOL Obesity is a disease, not a character flaw.

If after the seminar, he still is prissy, but you feel you can handle the head hunger, go ahead and get the band, or at least start the process.

In the end, while I'm a firm believer in a team effort, it's your life. not his, not your mom's. You know what you can and can't do better than either of them. The band isn't "the easy way"...it's hard hard work. But if you work it, it will help you drop the pounds. When you are ready, whether they are on board or not, go for it.

[Leighann 0]

Thank you so much... I don't think he truly realizes how being obese has affected me to the core. I can't sit in some chairs with arms comfortably, I had a hard time even today at my daughter's violin lesson... (she just started) and it was hard to get into and out of the desk... :teeth_smile: I cleaned out my car and now I'm in pain and exhausted completely... some fatigue is going to come from the arthritis but this is ridiculous... I know even if I get to 200 again I will feel worlds better... I don't feel truly alive and vibrant... I want my girls to have a healthy mommy who can be active with them... I feel bad about myself a lot of the time and I always wonder when I meet new people if they are judging me... even my inlaws especially his dad I feel has judged me fat and lazy... his sister was talking about someone she knew of who got the band and finally learned about portions... I did not mention anything to her but I was glad she saw the positive in it...

anyway, thanks so much for replying... We ARE going Tuesday... he can use no excuses I will be nice about it but he is off work on Wed so there is no "we'll be out too late" excuse this time. :shades_smile:

[RestlessMonkey 7]

Good for you. advocate for yourself!

[bryn 0]

Leighann, your message made me feel very sad, knowing that there are a lot of people who need support to make this critical change in their lives. But you do have support, right here at Lapbandtalk.com and at many other websites. Most of us feel so enthusiastic that we just want to help each other too. I waited for three years before attending a seminar and looking up information on lap band surgery. And many times people would say, "All you need to do is exercise more and eat less." Finally, my smart mouth reply became, "Gee, I have lived all this time and didn't know that. How could I have been so stupid? Duh, why didn't I think of that?" When I finally learned to ignore the naysayers and just go ahead with the surgery, I decided to be careful about who I discussed it with. At the age of 68 (that's not a typo) I had the surgery on august 15. I only had 60 lbs to lose, but finally realized I couldn't do it by myself. So about 18 days later I am down 15 lbs---without a fill yet. I am thrilled because I know, for once, that when I lose all the weight I don't have to worry about ever gaining it back.

I hope you will have coverage from your insurance, Leighann. I endedup paying for mine, but when they opened me up I had such a large hiatal hernia that it might have qualified me. I don't know. Good luck, and don't get discouraged. My only regret is that I waited three years to do this.

Your friend, Bryn

[dbrengle 0]

Leighann, I like the others who have posted feel bad for you, but like they said you have alot of support here on this webiste. I know for me I will be here for you in any way I can. You need an ear, Ill give you mine, if you need to cry, my shoulder is available. Just email me at kmbmom97@yahoo.com and ill be there for you. Keep your chin up and do whats right for you. The surgery is a TOOL, not a way out. Make the surgery work for you, and you will succeed. I had sugery on 08/19, and without a fill yet, I am down 19 pounds on 08/27. I havent weighed since then.

I am a big boned person, and the last time I was at a normal weight was when I was 16 I weighed in at 140 pounds, when I went to see my surgeon 2 days before surgery I was 294.5 (thats alot for me) and now im 295.5...(im 38 yrs old now) If I can do it, I know you can too.

[socialator2007 0]

This group is very supportive here . Have the lapband surgery. the It is virtually painless. Feels like you have done a lot of situps the first 2 days after surgery. Once you get on solid food as you know you want be able to eat a normal size meal. No more than a couple of spoonfuls of meat and couple of spoonfuls of vegatables. You can eat anything you want as long as it doesnt hurt going down.(no carbonated drinks) You learn as you go what you cant eat. You will have no cravings and you wont get hungry. Sometimes you forget to eat or drink and have to make yourself do so. I have lost from 296lbs to 171 since 6-27-07. That is 125lbs So far I have gone from tight 24W to size 12 misses. I want to lose about 15 -20 lbs more. If my stats dont encourage you no ones will.

[Leighann 0]

Hubby and I just got into it. I am in a lot of pain from my arthritis (washed the car and vaccummed it out, I couldn't take it anymore and he wasn't home to do it -- and would have griped). I tried to get up to go to the bathroom and cried from the pain. I know my weight is making my life harder in so many ways yet I can't get it off and keep it off. I got to 205 in 2004 and felt so much better, more active, was able to workout but I couldn't maintain it. :teeth_smile:

He is having to do a lot of things around the house bc my pain is so bad at times and I know he resents it but he keeps saying "just join the Y and workout" and I say "like tonight, how I'm feeling... how am I going to work out when I can't walk out the door without crying?" :shades_smile::thumbs_up:

He said he will go tuesday but I get the feeling he thinks it's stupid. I NEED to do this. As the days go by and I think about it more and more it's something I need to do. :thumbs_up: I was so excited about the last seminar I went to that it felt like Christmas when you were a kid and finally got what you most wanted. I need to be able to do this. I need this weight off for life.

Thank you so much for your love and support. I really need it.

[Leighann 0]

He admitted he is scared of me having surgery. Now we're getting somewhere. Thanks again for your support. I will keep you all posted and let you know how things go. He will go with me Tuesday to the seminar and said he will listen and ask questions if he thinks of any (besides "is my wife going to live through this" which is what I know now is weighing on his mind)

I guess I am nervous but I know I have apnea and will have my cpap so I will be fine in that regard... I had gall bladder surgery done as a lap, so I have btdt.

[RestlessMonkey 7]

OK! Better to be scared of the surgery for you than to be a 50's icon! LOL My DH is an RN and was against ALL WL surgery (he's seen too many horror stories) but was much relieved once he went to the seminar and got to meet the doc etc. So good luck! Let us know how it goes!

[socialator2007 0]

The lapband surgery seems to help most back and joint problems if not cure them altogether. My back hurt all the time before the surgery as well as my legs and knees. My blood pressure started to rise with every pound. We live in a bi-level house so there are stairs. Talk about huffing and puffing. I am pleading with you to do this for yourself, for your health and self image. Sounds like your husband enjoys keeping you inline. I would tell him "You go to the gym" Im going to have lapband. When you lose all the weight and sees what a "Babe" he has he will start to like it. So what if he's a little jealous. Its good for him to know that if he doesnt tow the line that there might be someone else that could get interested in you . Once you reach a certain weight unless you have time to diet and exercise every day for a couple of hours it will still take years to get to a normal weight. All of those weight loss shows where everyone weighs 250-300 lbs and they go off to the fat farm for months are doing nothing but diet and exercise. Do you really have time for that ? I dont think so You are the woman . You are the power. Do what is best for you and I believe your husband will just be amazed and enjoy

[pstroud100 1]

I have unsupportive family members as weel. My sister told me I would die if I have the lap band. I think I will die if i dont. I do have a supportive husband but I have been trying to get him to het it too. He has high bp, high choles, acid reflux, severe sleep apnea, borderline diabetes. I would just try to get him to a seminar. Once he is there he will see a sucess story and maybe it will help him change his mind. I know it did mine. As for the rest of the family and friends just be strong in your convictions and prove them wrong. I told my sister that after I have my surgery SHE can have my fat clothes. Hang in there. He will come around.

[di1138 8]

I am so sorry you have to go through this. I was devastated when my adult son's did not support this. They were the first to criticize my weight.

The have now started to come around after I lost 22 lbs. They were wrong as your husband and Mom are, that it is the easy way out! As everyone will tell you it is a tool to help you lose weight. You will still have to do the work, however, it is a great tool!

[Perky66 1]

Just a quick reply to give you some words of encouragement. It seems like in everything you do there are just going to be some negative people. I really thought my husband would be one of these people too. But I came home from work one day and told him I needed to talk to him. I said I want to have lap band surgery to help me lose weight. I am 48 years old and my health is declining ( I had constant reflux, I was on BP medicine already and every joint i my body hurt, every day. When I got home fom work it was all I could do to get up the steps to get in the house. I would come straight home and put on my nightgown because that was the only thing I was comfortable in and I never wanted to go anywhere. I had no energy) I told him that this was something I wanted to do for myself, not him or anybody else. I told him I wanted his support in this but if I didn't get it, I was doing it anyway. To my surprise, he said "If that's what you want to do, I will support you." And I thought for sure my Mom would be negative too and she said "I don't blame you a bit, if I could have it done I would too." Now my daughter is considering having it done and I am beside her every step of the way. We come from a long line of overweight people.

I'm sure your Mom is just scared something will happen to you. It's hard to think about your baby having surgery. I will be scared for my daughter too but I'm so excited she is considering it . The surgery is not near as scarey as watching somebody you love with the side effects of being morbidly obese.

As far as the surgery goes, oh my goodness, I would do it again tomorrow. I have lost 46 pounds and I have so much energy you wouldn't believe it. I get outside and work in the yard. I go swimming and go places with friends. I used to hate to go buy clothes. Now, I will shop till I drop. I hope your family comes to understand that you are doing it for your health. I have heard everything that you family is telling you. It's just not that easy. As everybody on here has told you, this is a place to get all of the encouragement you need. No matter what I have gone through before and since surgery, there has been somebody here to help me.

I hope your insurance covers this surgery. It seems more and more are these days. Good luck and keep the faith!!!

Well this reply wasn't too quick was it?? Sorry!!!