HELP My mum found out i'm being banded need advice

[noosagirl 0]

I think my sister has just told my mum that i'm being banded and its tomorrw. I'm away from home, alone and and i am not looking forward to talking to her. She has rung my sister heaps and my sister rang my husband to warn him that she would try and call. My head is going in circles and tears are building up. I think I am doing the right thing by being banded but I feel no one is behind me. I feel so sad and alone and dont need this the night before sugery. Some one out there in lap band world please give me words of wisdom.

PS I am 35 bl**dy years old.

[Jodi_620 37]

WE are all behind you!

Just avoid speaking with your mother until after you have recovered a bit from the surgery. You do not need the negativity right now. Once your mother sees that you have pulled through safely and especially when she sees the benefits of the surgery then she will hopefully come around...mine did.

[RestlessMonkey 7]

Isn't your husband behind you? Does your sister think you shouldn't have the band? When you say 'away from home" do you mean you had to travel to get the band, or you are away from your mom? In the end you have to please yourself first, then your husband, then your mother.....but you are most important. I am sure there are good solid reasons you chose to have the band. You need to sit quietly and remember those reasons. Make a list if you need to. I'm sure you had good reasons for not telling your mother; did you think your sister would keep your secret? Has she kept secrets for you in the past? Your mother is probably frightened (I'm assuming because you don't say why you kept her in the dark) and you can probably soothe her fears if you can talk to her without crying and getting overly emotional. So calm yourself, recenter yourself, and call her.

You don't have to have the surgery unless you want it. Assuming you want it, let the rest of the drama go. It will be ok!

[Vixon 0]

Hi Noosa,

Sorry to hear you are so upset just when you are embarking on something that is most likely to change your life for the better.

Your surgery is tomorrow so therefore you have gone through a lot of information and soul searching to decide this is the correct course of action for you.

Please be strong and don't let your family's worrys get you down, they care for you and probably don't understand fully either how you feel and are affected by your weight or the surgery itself.

[DebbsHereNow 0]

Sweetie WE ARE BEHIND YOU!!!!!! you have to do this for you not for anyone else. Tell your sister to ask your mother to understand you are doing this for YOUR health and you do not need any added stress at this time. Tell her to say, when you are out of the hospital you will talk to your mother as long as she does not put pressure on you and only has positive things to say. Your mother sounds like my Mom. When I had a home birth with one of my sons, she was told she could not be there if she said anything negative. She ended up coming and was very quiet all day, which was a miracle. I know she is worried, but you have to do what is right for you! I don't want to sound cold, but worry about yourself now and her after the surgery!

When she sees your health improve and how great you will look and feel, she will be sorry she ever was against it!

Take care!

Debbie and remember we are all 100% behind you! If you need a friend to talk on the phone with, I will call you!

[ElusiveQuality 22]

Why are you afraid to speak with your mother? Something is missing here.

[scalingdown08 0]

I know exactly how you feel.I am not getting any support from some of my closest friends. I have not told my Mom yet. I will tell her right before my procedure.One of my friends told me she thought the procedure was extreme and insinuated my surgeon is money hungry for doing it. She also assured me I will lose my hair. My BMI is 37, but I am 51 and have comorbidities like hypertension,high cholesterol, and an area in my brain that has infarcted from high blood pressure. I am trying to be proactive about my health. We just need for people to be supportive rather than judgemental. If you have researched and prayed about this, don't let anyone changed your mind! We will all be thinking about you.

[MarinaBleu 0]

noosagirl,

I choose not to tell anyone either, especially my Mom. She has no filter on what she says and the first things that usually fly out of her mouth are negative and uninformed. When I did finally tell her, I read her a letter I wrote,

"I wanted you to let you know what I was doing. I haven’t told anyone about the procedure, because the process of deciding to do it was long and personal, and because the insurance approval process was long and tedious. I have researched and come to the conclusion that this is the right thing for me. (I gave a run down of the procedure and what to expect) You may disagree with my decision. That’s ok. If you have a distinctly negative reaction, I ask that you keep your opinions to yourself for now. If you’re determined to share your reaction, please think twice. I’m not telling you out as a request for dialogue – I am informing you of my decision. In addition, I’d appreciate not having a whole league of “food police” watching my every move over the next couple of years. It’s going to be hard enough without feeling like I have a million eyes on me! This is a personal decision and a personal process."

That was the main part of the letter I read to her in person. It was easier to read than to wing it. Yes, her nose was out of joint for a few days, but she came around quickly and became my main chicken broth suppler. She is asking a lot of questions, but I'm ok with questions.

Best wishes to you and good luck with your surgery - please keep us posted on your recovery :tt2:

~Kim

side note: As far as the world is concerned the reason I went in for surgery is to correct a hiatal hernia (which they did take care of) - that is where your stomach pushes up through your esophagus - this satisfies everyones curiosity about the way I'm eating .<o:p></o:p>

Edited September 2, 2008 by MarinaBleu

[scalingdown08 0]

Oh my gosh! I felt so good to read your post. It makes me feel "normal" in my reactions. Some people at work are the food police. Just when I try to not focus on food, that's all they want to talk about.I want to tell them to mind there own plate not mine!! But they are really good people and I try to overlook.

[aubrie 6]

I told my mom initially, and she was frantic. She spun out of control, and bacause of her age, I got worried about her stress level. So I lied and told her I changed my mind, then went ahead and did it. I didn't tell her I went ahead with it for about a month. I went home for Christmas, and wanted her to see me 20 pounds lighter and healthy, and happy before I told her. For me it was easier that way, and I spared her the needless worry and stress.

[tapshoes 2]

Noosagirl - how unfortunate that you are in this situation; I hope you find some strength in what others have posted.

Although you may not want to deal with your mother, I think the bigger issue is why on earth your sister had to tell her anything. Exactly what (and who ) else does your sister tell people about you?

[nyllrap 0]

Hi sweetie! I can sympathize, and I am 54 years old. I have not had a mother for a long time, but I was really nervous about telling my husband (especially since I was self-pay) and my 23 year old daughter. Both of them have always been on my butt about weight (neither has a weight problem) constantly, but I really felt they would not be supportive but see it as a sign of weakness that I had to resort to surgery. In the end, it worked out. I initially just emailed my husband and said something like I was going to investigate the possibility by attending a seminar and that he was welcome to attend with me, but I didn't want a lecture. He was fine after that. I was even more "scared." After I made the decision to have surgery, I called my daughter and told her. However, I made it clear I was not asking for her approval but would appreciate her support.

The bottom line is that you and I, and just about everyone on this board, are adults. We need to realize that we do not need anyone's permission or blessing. If we get support from our family, that is great. If not, we have to be grown-up enough to proceed anyway with what we decide is best. Sometimes people have to give themselves (or seek out) what they wish they could get from others. This board helps with that immensely. Ultimately, you cannot control what your mother does or says. But you can control things like how you approach her with this, what you tell her you would like from her in terms of support, the degree to which you are around her should she have a negative reaction, and your reactions to her reactions. But as an adult, you MUST realize that you do not require her permission or blessing. And if you don't get her blessing, you have your own blessing and that is all that really matters.

Good luck!

[noosagirl 0]

My mum kept hounding my sister and my husband all yesterday, cause where I am staying told her I was in hospital. Luckily neither one of them told her anything. When I finally got to speak to her (she is also abroad) I said don't be silly mum I have been out sight seeing and that where im staying was talking about another guest. She believed me, which was a huge relief! I love my mum to bits but she worries over every little thing and everything is dangerous to her, I wasn't aloud a push bike growing up cause it was to dangerous and I could kill myself.

ANYWAY Thank you so so much all for helping me I am leaving for the hospital in an hour and all your support has given me strength. I am doing this for me cause I know this is right. THANKYOU ALL

[di1138 8]

Hang in there. You are doing it for YOU! My sons were not supportive until I started losing weight. I didn't tell my Mom and have no intentions of telling her. I will get the same crap. I know I am a big girl now and I am responsible for what I put in my mouth but my obesity started because of my parents! At a young age they gave me a bowl of ice cream every night. Cookies, cakes, potatoes chip were plentiful in our house. Therefore she has no right to say anything. Even though I am overweight my kids never were allowed to get out of control. Sweets were the exception, a treat not an everyday occurrence. Change the subject if your Mom starts up on you or end the call if she wont stop. You don't need the aggravation. Good luck!

[bobdole 0]

I know its different for different people, but you're doing this for yourself. Its your body, your mother has zero say in what you do with it. If shes against it - so what? Unless you're still supported by her financially or living with her she can't do anything to you except give you a mouth full to which you can just hang up the phone or leave.

I love my mother, but if I was obese (I'm on here all the time for my gf who was just banded) and getting banded would improve my quality of life substantially and my mother was dead set against it, I'd ignore her. She wouldn't be happy but would have to deal with it.