How do I help my dad understand?

[jmegirl 2]

I'm a 26yo female and an only child. My parents divorced when I was 2, so all I've ever known is living with my mom, and seeing my dad every weekend.

My mom is like my best friend, and we are close as can be. For that I am extremely grateful. I told her last night that I had decided to do this, and she couldn't be happier for me, because she knows the struggles I've had with weight my whole life. She's actually flying to CO with me when I get the surgery.

Then there's my dad. I am a self-proclaimed "Daddy's Girl" and we get together almost every weekend for lunch/dinner, and just to catch up on what's going on. Even though I got married in May, my dad and I still have that close relationship, and I love it. But, even though I feel like I can tell him anything, there are certain things that he doesn't approve of, and won't understand. This is one of them. I desperately want to tell him what I'm doing, and I want him to understand that it's something I have to do for myself. He also knows that I've struggled with my weight my whole life, but I think he'll see me as "weak" if I have the surgery, and he'll think I'm taking the easy way out.

Since my dad and I meet nearly every weekend for lunch/dinner, then it's obvious to me that I have to tell him. Come November 5th, the way I eat in public will be forever changed, and he's sure to notice. So, I have to tell him. My question to all of you is: how do you tell your family and make them understand? Are there any books I could get for him, to help him along?

Kudos if you made it to the bottom of this post!

[Jodi_620 37]

Considering your closeness, your dad definitely needs to know. Be prepared to explain everything and answer all his questions so that he knows that you have researched this well. He may protest at first, my mom did too, but remember that he loves you and only has your best interest at heart. In the end he will hopefully see that it was a good decision my mom did.

[sandee 0]

I would probably tell him, "Dad. I love you, but this is my decision. Its my body and I hate it and this is the only way that I will feel good about myself." I hope he understands, you don't need any stress in your life at this point.

[stevegoad 32]

If you feel you need to tell him, then just be an adult and tell him.

As for me, my family doesn't know, and won't know (even though my mother had lap band about 2 years ago herself). I just don't feel the need to tell them.

[HeatherO 7]

I would certainly tell him before you have it done. It may be more damaging to your close relationship to not tell him before-hand. You know your father best, and after all these years, you can probably find the best way to present it to him.

Perhaps you can feel him out. First have an in-depth discussion with him about how you feel about your weight, how it affects your life, how it is certain to impact your health in the near future, etc. Later, maybe the same day or a different day, proceed to steps you have taken to combat it . . . and when you feel the time is right, go into how you plan to make a change in the future. Perhaps you can have some information printed out and available in your purse regarding what is involved, risks, statistics involving complications and success rates, etc. Make sure that he understands that you can really use his support.

Also, if he is not immediately accepting, don't lose hope, just remember that sometimes people need time to digest things. First response may be one of fear or just not understanding what is involved, after all it is surgery and the word itself is enough to bring fear into the hearts of any loved ones. Good luck.

[Juliana 0]

I would definately tell him!!!

I completely understand what you are going through. I am a daddy's girl, and my dad was completely against this. He was so scared and it didn't matter how much i explained the procedure, he thought i would be better off doing it on my own....even though i have been up and down, lost and gained and never able to keep it off by myself. We had to agree to disagree about the surgery and he did try and talk me out of it several times.

My dad was against it and never changed his mind, but he loved me and was right there with me on the day of surgery along with my mom and my husband, and my sister. Our relationship has not changed and he is so proud of me.

Your dad may not understand, and may not approve, but he is your dad, and he will still love you and he will get passed his feelings about it. I think he would be more hurt in the future if he found out that you didn't tell him.

Hope all goes well. Keep us updated!

Julie

[Daisalana 33]

Some people feel better not telling, so just for more things to think about, if you decide you'd rather NOT tell him, there are ways to get around him finding out when you do your weekend routines.

Say you're eating healthier--and you get a salad, or eat little of what you have, say you're feeling under the weather and all you want is Soup (during liquids/puree). There's a million excuses you can come up with, without being too suspicious.

As you lose weight, say it's the diet.

I myself told everyone under the sun, but I've read the threads where people are trying to hide it from others.

Do what you feel more comfortable with.

[Brandy~ 2]

You're very close to him and it sounds as if you would feel like you would feel guilty for not telling him and that makes sense... given the relationship. I would tell him if I was you before the surgery... You may want to print out a few Faq's on the band to give to him to read. You never know he might just want to be a part of the journey.

Only 2 people on my family side know of the surgery but EVERYONE on my inlaw side knows because I am alot closer to them. They are my biggest fans and cheer me on when it comes to the band and mile stones.

Really for you sharing it with him will probably make you feel like you got it off your chest and you can then begin enjoying the journey to the band with both of your parents.

[jmegirl 2]

Thanks so much for everyone's response! I guess I'm just torn.

If I tell him, I will most certainly face a deluge of questions, accompanied with a lot of :smile2: and :crying: and :crying:. Ultimately, I really don't think my dad would be capable of understanding my situation. I'm not "morbidly obese" (5'8" and 250lbs, BMI 38), and I think he will see my actions as drastic and uncalled for. I am physically able to exercise, and I am competent enough to diet, so I feel he will strongly disagree with my choice and in the end - that would really hurt me.

If I don't tell him, then yes, I will feel a little guilty. He's my father, after all. We have a great relationship, so I should be able to tell him this. But I also know that if I don't tell him, I could probably hide it from him. In the first month when my diet is restricted to liquids, he'll surely notice then. I don't know if I could get out of having lunch/dinner for a whole month without telling him WHY. But after that, having healthier meals, taking smaller bites and chewing longer - these things he shouldn't notice.

What kills me is that if I decide not to tell him, then I most certainly can't tell him after I've already gotten it, if I should change my mind. He'd be crushed then.

*sigh*

The good thing in all of this is that my surgery is still 69 days away. No need for a decision just yet!

[Chris61 0]

I did not tell my mom and dad about it until about a month ago. I had gone to meet with them they wanted to get me somethings and asked about sizes and told them what I was wearing and then we I got there I told them about it. They were pleased with the results and did not really say much but was glad that I and the wife did something.

Good luck with talking with your dad. I think it will go a let better than you think. First be at peace with your self and then tell him. If he has concerns etc. you might have him go to the doctor with you so he can get all his answers. Just a thought for you.

Chris

[SillyGoose 0]

I think you should tell your dad before your surgery given how close the two of you are. I would probably start the conversation off by telling him that you were hesitant and even considered keeping it from him for fear of his reaction. Let him know how much you love him and respect his opinion, therefore decided that it was best not to keep this from him. At this point the poor guy will probably be worried sick about what you are going to tell him. But, possibly, it will give him a chance to realize how serious this is and how important this is to you and maybe his reaction won't be as bad as you think.

Even if his reaction is still exactly what you think it will be, just let him know that you will consider his feelings and think more about it. Give it some time and then later let him know that you have decided to go ahead with it. I also agree with the other posters and come prepared with information to answer his questions.

If he is still not a happy camper, just remember that in time he will get over it and calm down. Especially when he sees how great your doing.

I remember when I was 18 years old, and my father was (and still is) the person I respected most in my life. I was terribly afraid to tell him that I was pregnant and see the disappointment in his eyes. Well, when I finally told him, his reaction was even worse then what I expected. He was more hurt and disappointed then I could have even imagined. But it didn't take long for him to get over the hurt and come around and was and has always been there for me. My daughter is now 14 and I have an 11 year old son and he couldn't love them more. And he is always telling me how proud he is of me. He is still one of my best friends. My mom and I have never been as close as I am with my dad.

Just remember that it will be ok and your relationship will also be ok.

Good Luck!

[jmegirl 2]

So, at dinner this evening, I told him. I prefaced it by saying "I really wasn't going to tell you about this, because I knew how you'd react and I didn't want to hear any negative feedback, because this is a hard enough decision without hearing negative comments from others."

All in all, I have to say it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Though I might have made him feel a little guilty by beginning the way I did. Overall, he said I am an adult and I can do whatever I want. He commented that getting a band means making a lifestyle change, and I told him I was willing to do that. He said "Well, you've dieted and exercised before and you couldn't make that lifestyle change then. Why is it different now?" I told him that getting a band pretty much forced me to change, or else I'd face painful side effects, along with all sorts of other consequences. He didn't seem satisfied with my answer, but dropped it.

Thanks everyone for your advice and support on this. My dad even said that we can postpone our lunch/dinner dates while I'm on my liquids/mushies phase! :thumbup:

[agreatknead 1]

Hi Jaime,

Glad to hear you told your Dad. Sometimes parents and friends think LBS is like bypass and totally unreversable. It seemed to ease my daughters mind to know that in the worst case they could take the darn thing out. Kinda like a divorce from your band I guess. No cutting, no rerouting, just a small little pouch. It sounds like he will be watching you but not saying too much. I blend right in with friends at a resturant. They really don't say much about how much I eat. Every once in a while I get a "wow, thats all your eating" and I'll just say yes, and it pays off nicely, I'm down another size this month. They shut right up! Your going to have a great journey, you will feel better and your father will think you are even more beautiful (if that is possible).

Blessings as you head out on this great trip.

Sally

[aubrie 6]

I told my parents initially, but they were so upset. They were very stressed over the whole thing, and at their age, I was worried about it stressing them out to much. I lied and told them I changed my mind. They were better, and then I went ahead with it. A month later I went home for Christmas and told them then. That way they could see that I was healthy, happy and okay. It spared them the frantic worry. My mom is okay with it now, but I had emergency galbladder surger 4 weeks ago. My Dad has demonized my band, and blames it for the problem. He hasn't seen me since Christmas. I flew home last Friday for their 50th wedding anniversary. When I walked in the door my dad stopped mid stride and just stared at me with his mouth hung open. He was stunned at the transformation. All he could think to say was "WOW! you look like a movie star!" Bless him...... He then said he expected me to look drawn and sickly. God knows what goes on in their minds when they don't fully understand.... but he was delighted that I looked so good and was genuinely happy for me. He doesn't have a problem with it now!!