unsupportive friends

littlebigfarms · June 10, 2005

I was banded on the 17th of May and so far have lost 21 pounds (gotta update that ticker...lol). The problem is my husband and I have a friend that is well, less than supportive about what I have done. My husband is great about it. He asks how I am doing and even has heard me ramble on enough that he can explain the band and the basic workings of it to anyone that asks. Bless his heart. But this guy we know goes back and forth from "I want to have that done" to "I can't give up what I love." The guy is on SSI and disability and was told that if he would loose some weight he would most likely be able to work. Anytime I have a tired day, or a little pain he says "see what that surgery has done to you?". I have explained it all the ways I can think of. And right or wrong I sometimes just see him as lazy and unwilling to change as well as determined to sabotage someone else's happiness. My husband has told him to lay off that I am fine and that this was a great decision we made. (Yes, we made the decision. My husband and I talked about what I wanted to have done a long time before I had it done.) What do you do when you have friends that just can't accept it or maybe are jealous? I know this may sound heartless but does there come a time when you just have to say goodbye and leave them behind?

La_madam · June 10, 2005

What do you do when you have friends that just can't accept it or maybe are jealous?

You got to let it go, eventually they will come around, this is about you and no one else, you do not need to be validated by anoyone else nor do you need anyones apporvla or acceptance, he soundslike he is just jealous, you know the old saying misery loves compnay, he is miserable and does not want you to be happy, he wants you miserable right by his side.I have a dear friend who is morbidly obese and about 18 yrs older then me, more of like a mother to me, she was supportive of my decision but now is trying to lose weight on her own, she has seen my progressand is jealous andadmits it openly and finally wants to change her eating habits and lifestyle, she will not get the band but atleast she has changed her mind about losing weight.

Marimaru · June 10, 2005

An ex of mine that I am still in contact with has that attitude. (He was my ex before I ever thought of surgery) When I told him what I was having done he flipped and told me not to have it done, because he'd known 2 people who recently died from it. I did the best I could to explain the difference between this and the other surgeries, but he still doesn't get it. A while back I thought I was having gallbladder trouble and he was saying "I told you you'd have all sorts of problems", and again I tried to explain the different surgerys, AND that lots of weight loss, with or without surgery, can give someone gall bladder trouble. It didn't even end up being my gall bladder but it was still irritating for someone to be that stubborn about not listening. I told him that he might find some research into the topic enlightening, but that I wasn't going to talk about it anymore.

I would say you have to just let it go, and he'll come around if he wants to. And if he wants to see how you do before he decides to have surgery, tell him to keep his nasty comments to himself!

AudreyZ · June 11, 2005

Forget the fact that you have a band, and ask yourself, how would you handle this person, if say, you bought a new boat, and he acted this way? Or planned a trip to an exotic place with the family, and he couldn't afford it?

People act jealous because something inside of them is lacking. It might be willpower, it might be faith in themselves, lack of courage, you get the idea. Being nice obviously isn't helping, so next time he makes a remark, tell him to stop, as his comments are harming your friendship. Tell him you no longer want this issue to come between you two- this was YOUR choice to make, to live a healthier lifestyle, and if he can't be happy for you and make positive comments, than to not say anything at all.

Good luck, and I hope you can get through to your friend, instead of having to tell him to take a hike down the pike.

vinesqueen · June 11, 2005

as above, but yes, there are times when you simply must let go of a friend. Like Jack said, some people just drain the very life energy out of you.

Not easy to say good-bye, but sometimes this is what we need to do to take care of ourselves.

littlebigfarms · June 11, 2005

Thanks everyone for you advice. I guess it's what I already knew I just wanted to know what others that have been on this journey longer than I have would do. I think unfortunately that things won't change and it will come down to us parting ways. But maybe I will be surprised and it won't be lke that.