From Supportive Husband to Insecure Husband..

[jenz75 0]

My husband is very supportive of me having the lap band. He even suggested it since I am having so much trouble losing weight for the past several years. And he even went to the seminar with me so that he could ask questions "for me". He wants me to be healthy & live long & prosper.

However, he is afraid that once I lose weight - other guys may "notice" me & try to take me away from him!! LOL Of course- I do joke about - if I lose weight - I may need a refill on the boobs!! Of course, he has read on Cosmo (I won't tell him that I told you!!) that most women tend to leave their husbands at the late 30's and after they have breast implants.. -Um, that's about to be knocking on my door!! lol

We have been married for 15 yrs, I started at 135 lbs at wedding day to currently 275 lbs. (hello depo shot) With that type of comment- sometimes I am afraid to lose weight so he won't think that I am cheating on him!! LOL (Yes- we have gone to counseling.) I do understand about feeling "comfortable" around him - so therefor not feeling I have to lose weight to get my "mate".

Anyways, I as just wondering if others have had the same or similar situations from having the band & losing weight.

Jenn

[RestlessMonkey 7]

I think I'm just one of those women whom, if my husband thought I was just with him because I was fat and couldn't do better, I'd pitch an unholy conniption fit. I know lots of women think the behavior is cute or "just like a man" but good grief I've been married 25 years and would've walked out in a heartbeat at any point (including tonight) if I didn't love him and believe 100% he's the man for me. We were married when I was much thinner, too. So if he tells me "I think you're going to go look for a man..." well, that makes me sound like a female dog in heat or something and I find that totally insulting.

That's just me of course. But I obviously can't help you. LOL This is one of soap boxes. Jealousy isn't cute. Its controlling.

[jenz75 0]

I think that he may be going through the "mid-life" crisis thing. Afraid to be alone or something.. (he does travel a lot with work)

Don't get me wrong- he is an awesome hubby & you can't find these types of guys too often!!! (he does dishes!!!) LOL

[RestlessMonkey 7]

See...you think it's funny and for you I'm sure you're 100% right.

I've just seen too much jealousy to ever find it cute.

And my DH does dishes and cooks and would die for me. He just knows I'm with him because I love him, not because I can't do better!

[m&nsmama 0]

I don't see it as jealousy, really. When I think of someone jealous, I think resentment, envy...someone who becomes unhappy with your successes. To me it sounds like he is more insecure--afraid that the "same old him" will not be enough for the "new you." I went through something similar when my husband started working out and getting really fit and muscular a few years back. It was just a temporary bout of insecurity on my part, which I got over quickly after I realized I was being silly (and he agreed! )

[libra 13]

It happens. My husband was VERY insecure with my weight loss as well. We ended up going to marriage counseling where he finally revealed that he thought I would leave him for someone younger and "more exciting" We did manage to work it out and are very happy with each other. He's my best friend and will always be my best friend. It doesn't matter what size I am. Sometimes, it helps him that I remind him of that.

[Guest Leslie2Lose]

I'm going through this right now with my DH. He is still supportive but his insecurities are definately coming out. He even made the comment that he pales in comparison to me now. I am the smallest he has ever known me (and actually smaller than him for the first time). He's having a hard time with it. I'm not sure how to help him though. I'm not going to quit. We may end up having to go to counseling too.

[DesertRose 0]

When I had my pre-op psych eval, I was told that I probably have used my weight as my "armor" to protect myself against unwanted advances, etc. At age 13 (oh gee, this will open a whole new can of worms) a married older man kept hitting on me. I ended up having to fight him off one night when he showed up at our house, when my parents were gone and asked to borrow a flashlight. I told him to get away from me or I would tell my dad. He finally left me alone but for some reason, I've never told anyone about it, until now. I even denied, in my psych eval that anything like that had ever happened. Needless to say it scared the crap out of me. However, I stayed thin until my last two kids, 19 and 14 yrs. ago. Anyway, my husband met and married me when I was hot, and has stuck with me, even when I'm not. I do remember being MISERABLE in our younger days because he was so insecure and jealous. His jealousy almost destroyed our relationship. As the years have gone by and I've slowly put on the weight, he became less and less insecure and we got happier. If my marriage is miserable, I am miserable. My point is, yes, I think I've used my weight as my armor. It makes me uncomfortable and scared to get any kind of attention from other men, because I do not want to go through (with my husband) what I went through in the past. Oh gee, as I type this I'm getting a revelation. There is nothing we can do except, continue on our journey without or without the support of an insecure husband. If we do not take care of ourselves now, we won't be around to take care of them later. Perhaps some day, they can come to terms with it. :smile2:

[areellady 1]

I am the smallest my DH has ever known me to be. I was a size 20 when we got married, now a size 14. He is loving it, but he was crazy about me when I was 300 pounds too!! He knows I am the same person now as I was a year and a half ago, and I love him and that will never change. He was, is and always will be my best friend. He changed his life around my band and he never complains. We work out together and he doesn't buy or bring junk food into the house.

We talk about this a lot though. I ask him if I have changed. He tells me yes, and he loves the new me. Confident, secure, outgoing, unafraid....he loves the new life we lead!

[lapbandbarb 0]

Jenz-

I think that what is happening with you and your husband is very common. I go to a lot of WLS support groups and hear it all the time. Men become insecure and afraid that their wives will find someone else when they lose weight. I have heard it over and over again. It sounds like you may just need to let your husband know how special you think he is and that you are doing this for your health-not to meet other men. Tell him he is the one you love and married.

I have been married 14 yrs and been up and down and up 100+ lbs. with each pregnancy. This time, with the help of my friend, the lapband, it is coming off easier and I WILL keep it off.

Yes, I do get more attention when I am thin and I met my husband thin and he knew I was popular with men. He wasn't worried then or any other time I was thin. I sometimes used to think when I weighed 273 that people wondered what my good looking ,fit UPS man husband was doing with me. Or I would see the way people looked at me every year at the company picnic when one year I'm thin and the next, enormous. So it goes both ways. If you married your solemate and your marriage is good,it will survive this(and anything else) My husband and I have been through so much more than just my yo-yo weight over the years. Looks are only skin deep. One day we will be old and shrivilled up together-hopefully, I'll be thin and shrivilled up! :smile2:

[areellady 1]

Jenz-

I think that what is happening with you and your husband is very common. I go to a lot of WLS support groups and hear it all the time. Men become insecure and afraid that their wives will find someone else when they lose weight. I have heard it over and over again. It sounds like you may just need to let your husband know how special you think he is and that you are doing this for your health-not to meet other men. Tell him he is the one you love and married.

I have been married 14 yrs and been up and down and up 100+ lbs. with each pregnancy. This time, with the help of my friend, the lapband, it is coming off easier and I WILL keep it off.

Yes, I do get more attention when I am thin and I met my husband thin and he knew I was popular with men. He wasn't worried then or any other time I was thin. I sometimes used to think when I weighed 273 that people wondered what my good looking ,fit UPS man husband was doing with me. Or I would see the way people looked at me every year at the company picnic when one year I'm thin and the next, enormous. So it goes both ways. If you married your solemate and your marriage is good,it will survive this(and anything else) My husband and I have been through so much more than just my yo-yo weight over the years. Looks are only skin deep. One day we will be old and shrivilled up together-hopefully, I'll be thin and shrivilled up! :smile2:

Absolutley the best post on this subject!!!

[jenz75 0]

WOW!! Thanks for all of the great feedback!! This is better than what I get from my own counselor!! LOL

[MADE IT 2 MY GOAL..OH YEAH 0]

When I had my pre-op psych eval, I was told that I probably have used my weight as my "armor" to protect myself against unwanted advances, etc. At age 13 (oh gee, this will open a whole new can of worms) a married older man kept hitting on me. I ended up having to fight him off one night when he showed up at our house, when my parents were gone and asked to borrow a flashlight. I told him to get away from me or I would tell my dad. He finally left me alone but for some reason, I've never told anyone about it, until now. I even denied, in my psych eval that anything like that had ever happened. Needless to say it scared the crap out of me. However, I stayed thin until my last two kids, 19 and 14 yrs. ago. Anyway, my husband met and married me when I was hot, and has stuck with me, even when I'm not. I do remember being MISERABLE in our younger days because he was so insecure and jealous. His jealousy almost destroyed our relationship. As the years have gone by and I've slowly put on the weight, he became less and less insecure and we got happier. If my marriage is miserable, I am miserable. My point is, yes, I think I've used my weight as my armor. It makes me uncomfortable and scared to get any kind of attention from other men, because I do not want to go through (with my husband) what I went through in the past. Oh gee, as I type this I'm getting a revelation. There is nothing we can do except, continue on our journey without or without the support of an insecure husband. If we do not take care of ourselves now, we won't be around to take care of them later. Perhaps some day, they can come to terms with it. :crying:

OK what the heck is a DH? Damn husband? I know the H has to be husband but was is the D for?

[strikeuptheband 16]

Depends on if he's pissed you off lately! Usually its Dear Hubby.

[lapbandbarb 0]

Absolutley the best post on this subject!!!

areellady-

Thank you for saying that. It made me feel so good!:crying:

That DH thing is so funny!!:wink2: And true!

Edited August 26, 2008 by Barb12590