Some advice please (nice advise would be nice)

[MADE IT 2 MY GOAL..OH YEAH 0]

Ok, I post on here quite alot and answer posts as well whenever I can. I has kinda posted on this subject before but not the way I am now.

I was banded on Aug.18. so I am 4 days post-op. I have done good on my liquid diet, I havent cheated (although I have wanted to so bad). I know that in the end, I will look back at all of this and know it was worth it, but right now, I'm not so sure if it is or isn't.

Let me explain. It's not that I am hungry. This only happens when it is supper time. During the day when I am alone and don't have to worry about anyone eating, I am fine. I'm cool. But, when it is time for everyone to eat, I start getting so mad at everyone. Like tonight. The kids and my parents had Arby's for supper. When I found out my dad was going to get Arbys I went crazy. I started crying saying that everyone gets to eat anything they want but me, I'm stuck here eating sugar free Jello and sugar free popsicles and drinking broth and waters.

My mom calmed me down enough to where I stopped crying. After they all ate, my dad took the kids fishing for a couple hours (I guess so that I could have a little relaxing time). My husband gets home at 8 p.m. after being at work since around 2 this morning. He sits with me for a while and we talk and stuff. We make sure the kids get their showers and we take ours. Then he goes into the kitchen and warms him up 2 Arby sandwhiches and a large thing of Arby Fries, puts Arbys sauce on his fries and sandwhich, gets him a Mountain Dew, and starts eating a drinking. Then my youngest son decides he wants to eat another Arby sandwhich then so does my dad (we are staying with my folks for a while). Once again, I start to become hateful. Talking about it must be nice to eat something like that instead of sucking something down.

I feel that when the eat this kind of stuff infront of me, they don't care one bit about what I am having to go through. I know I shouldn't get mad cause they have to eat even though I can't. So what's wrong with me.

To beat it all, I haven't only lost eating for now, I have also had to quite smoking (cold turkey), and had to stop drinking cokes. All at one time. I thought that I'd be able

to atleast cut down on my smoking while going through this but I had to stop all at once. I have bad asthma (which actually has improved alot)and plus it isn't good for the band. And everyone knows about the caffine.

So, please, can someone please help me. Am I losing it, am I going crazy? What? Is anyone else having these feeling like I am, or am I the only one?

[PaulaTx 0]

I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. I completely understand how you are feeling. When I was on my liquid diet, it was SO SO hard to see other people eat. I just had to get away from them and go do something else to keep my mind off of it. Believe me it will get better. Before long you will be able to eat some better stuff although right now it feels like that seems like a lifetime away.

Maybe you could ask your family not to eat those things in front of you or at least not bring them in the house during this time. That would be a tremendous support.

Today was my first day on thick liquids (day 7 post-op) and it felt so good to have some potato Soup instead of Jello and Protein Drinks. As I look back now the stage of the diet that you are on now wasn't as long as it seemed.

Good luck and I hope you feel better soon! Keep us posted.

[RestlessMonkey 7]

Sassymama...does your surgeon provide psych counseling? You chose the band, I know, but right now it sounds to me like you are grieving for the old you...the one who could chow down with the rest of them. You don't REALLY want that anymore, I am sure. But no kidding it is darn darn hard when everyone you love around you is carrying on with the same old stuff. It would kill me right now if my husband came in eating an Arby's or whatever. Fortunately for me, my husband and I are "alone", and he, God bless him, is only eating what I eat when he's in front of me. I am grateful for that, and I KNOW it makes it easier, and it's STILL hard. So

you are doing something amazing.

I know you don't begrudge your hardworking husband his meal, nor your little kid, but that doesn't mean you have to enjoy it when they eat.

Is there anything you can do to distract yourself when it is their dinner time? Take a walk, a bubble bath, go to another room and read, ANYTHING? Just take time for yourself. If your mom and dad will handle the kids (assuming they need it LOL ) while it's "dinner'...just clear out. Go for a drive. Go walk around a mall. Anything to get away from it.

I know you are struggling but you can do this. You are very worth it, and it's just temporary. Do what you can to get through it! I was thinking if your surgeon HAS psych consultation, they can maybe give you some better tips.

[RestlessMonkey 7]

OH I did quit smoking 15 years ago and that was hands down the hardest thing I have EVER done. Being hungry is easier, in a way....

I would lie in bed at night and CRY because I wanted to smoke so badly (and I was a 40 year old grown woman) so I know how darn hard that is. No wonder you get ticked! Find something to do with your hands, hang in there. It DOES get better it really really really does. Hugs to you. What you are doing is amazing.

[Melody2006 1]

I understand where your coming from. But this feeling will pass. I had a melt down bad one night when my family ate pizza with friends and blocked up the kitchen with it and I couldn't get to my diet food. That was probably my lowest point. I'm 6 weeks post opt, down 33 pounds, and so far from that now I could care less if they did it right now. You'll move on from this feeling. Promise.

[myownbl 0]

I am new to this experience as I have only been banded since August 11, 2008. But I can relate to your experience and just tell you this: FOCUS ON YOURSELF! The nicest, most respectful and honorable thing you can do for you in your situation is to remember that you are on a path to get control of your life and your health. You can't worry about what others around you -- even those in your on family -- are eating because that then takes the focus away from you. Easier said than done, I know. But I am convinced that a big reason I find myself in my situation is because I was always focused on everyone else and ended up using food as my reward -- my way of doing something "extra special" for me. And we all know where that ends up!

As for the smoking -- yeah, I know it's hard because I watched my mother go throught kicking the habit and it was no joke. But listen: I also watched my father, who was a life smoker, snuffed out by lung cancer. Trust me, you will so thank yourself a thousand times over for letting that habit fall by the wayside.

Sodas -- just crap, sweetie. Good riddins! Same for me and my sweets addiction -- never met a candy, cookie, or ice cream I didn't like and I just had to say buh-bye, you know? I haven't even started solid foods yet but have gone from a 22/24 to a 14 in my tops. Candy -- what's that!

Hang in there, chica!

P.S. I am in charge of the dinners in our family and I do exactly what Restless Monkey suggests: for now, until my resistance is stronger, I make myself scarce when it's mealtime. If I didn't, I'd probably be writing the same posting as the one you posted. Breathe...and be kind to yourself.

Edited August 23, 2008 by myownbl
added

[MADE IT 2 MY GOAL..OH YEAH 0]

I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. I completely understand how you are feeling. When I was on my liquid diet, it was SO SO hard to see other people eat. I just had to get away from them and go do something else to keep my mind off of it. Believe me it will get better. Before long you will be able to eat some better stuff although right now it feels like that seems like a lifetime away.

Maybe you could ask your family not to eat those things in front of you or at least not bring them in the house during this time. That would be a tremendous support.

Today was my first day on thick liquids (day 7 post-op) and it felt so good to have some potato Soup instead of Jello and Protein drinks. As I look back now the stage of the diet that you are on now wasn't as long as it seemed.

Good luck and I hope you feel better soon! Keep us posted.

Hey Paula, you know, when I found out they were going to Arbys I ask my mom and dad both nicely if they would take the kids down there to eat instead of bringing it home and me having to smell it and see it. My mom ask if it would be easier if they brought it back and just went out back to eat it, and before I could answer this, my dad said no. My dad wasn't really all for me having this surgery done. After he said no, I just turned and walked away.

While he was gone to get the food, my mom and I talked. She thinks that food is like a fear now and I need to face it head on. That if I leave to go to another room whenever food is around, it will only get worse. The only way I could explain this to her was like this. She smokes so I told her, its like if you were trying to to stop smoking and everyone around you was still smoking and wanted to go be right in the middle of them smoking, it would be so tempting for you to pick up that cigg. lite it and start smoking it. That is how it is with me, when I see food that is hot and smells good, Im going to want to eat it, it doesnt matter if i want to eat it or not, it is a response that I have had for so long. I don't think she completely understood what I was trying to say cause she seemed to get mad at me for saying it. My dad did say he was sorry for what he said, but then turned around and ask me if I wanted to come in there with them while they all were eating and me eat some Jello or a popsicle. When I told him I'd rather not, he told me I needed to just suck it up.

I know that since nobody else in the house has had this done, there is no way in the world they know what I am going through. There are no support groups close to where I live except for 1 and it is like 30 minutes away and I have to pay $40.00 to attend it. I don't have the gas money to get there much less the money to pay to attend. So what do I do? This site does help alot, because you know what I am going through.

I just don't want to push the people I love the most away from me and I am scared that is just what I am going to do.

[MADE IT 2 MY GOAL..OH YEAH 0]

Sassymama...does your surgeon provide psych counseling? You chose the band, I know, but right now it sounds to me like you are grieving for the old you...the one who could chow down with the rest of them. You don't REALLY want that anymore, I am sure. But no kidding it is darn darn hard when everyone you love around you is carrying on with the same old stuff. It would kill me right now if my husband came in eating an Arby's or whatever. Fortunately for me, my husband and I are "alone", and he, God bless him, is only eating what I eat when he's in front of me. I am grateful for that, and I KNOW it makes it easier, and it's STILL hard. So

you are doing something amazing.

I know you don't begrudge your hardworking husband his meal, nor your little kid, but that doesn't mean you have to enjoy it when they eat.

Is there anything you can do to distract yourself when it is their dinner time? Take a walk, a bubble bath, go to another room and read, ANYTHING? Just take time for yourself. If your mom and dad will handle the kids (assuming they need it LOL ) while it's "dinner'...just clear out. Go for a drive. Go walk around a mall. Anything to get away from it.

I know you are struggling but you can do this. You are very worth it, and it's just temporary. Do what you can to get through it! I was thinking if your surgeon HAS psych consultation, they can maybe give you some better tips.

Thanks for the tips Restless Monkey, When it is dinner time I can go walk up and down the road maybe that will keep my mind off what they are doing. And yes, in a way, I am grieving for the old me, the one that could eat 2 burgers but I dont want that old person back. I have already lost 7 pounds and am only 4 days post op. My surgeron does offer psych consultation but the problem is, my surgeon is 2 hours aways and I can't really drive that far with the gas prices.

[vegasgirl44 0]

Hey Paula, you know, when I found out they were going to Arbys I ask my mom and dad both nicely if they would take the kids down there to eat instead of bringing it home and me having to smell it and see it. My mom ask if it would be easier if they brought it back and just went out back to eat it, and before I could answer this, my dad said no. My dad wasn't really all for me having this surgery done. After he said no, I just turned and walked away.

While he was gone to get the food, my mom and I talked. She thinks that food is like a fear now and I need to face it head on. That if I leave to go to another room whenever food is around, it will only get worse. The only way I could explain this to her was like this. She smokes so I told her, its like if you were trying to to stop smoking and everyone around you was still smoking and wanted to go be right in the middle of them smoking, it would be so tempting for you to pick up that cigg. lite it and start smoking it. That is how it is with me, when I see food that is hot and smells good, Im going to want to eat it, it doesnt matter if i want to eat it or not, it is a response that I have had for so long. I don't think she completely understood what I was trying to say cause she seemed to get mad at me for saying it. My dad did say he was sorry for what he said, but then turned around and ask me if I wanted to come in there with them while they all were eating and me eat some Jello or a popsicle. When I told him I'd rather not, he told me I needed to just suck it up.

I know that since nobody else in the house has had this done, there is no way in the world they know what I am going through. There are no support groups close to where I live except for 1 and it is like 30 minutes away and I have to pay $40.00 to attend it. I don't have the gas money to get there much less the money to pay to attend. So what do I do? This site does help alot, because you know what I am going through.

I just don't want to push the people I love the most away from me and I am scared that is just what I am going to do.

sassy, I agree with all the previous posts. Right now, you have had to let go of all your crutches and you are mad and grieving and detoxing. It's hard, I know. But when I go to work and my employees are eating In-N-Out (good, but I'd rather have FatBurger anyway), I like to go smell and look....or not, but I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE myself for making this decision. And even though I haven't lost a significant amount of weight, I feel soooooo self-confident now and I don't let the food bother me. Sure I get those cravings, but like everyone has said, it gets better. Also like they implied, it's very important to surround yourself with positive reinforcement. Remember, you chose to do this for YOU, not everybody else. They don't want to hurt you. They may be jealous or may not agree with your decision, but I'm sure they care for you and don't want you to come to any harm. Stand up straight, be confident, and revel in your decision. Act like it's YOUR project, YOUR secret, YOUR own little thing that is yours. You can do it. You WILL do it!

[PaulaTx 0]

Hey Paula, you know, when I found out they were going to Arbys I ask my mom and dad both nicely if they would take the kids down there to eat instead of bringing it home and me having to smell it and see it. My mom ask if it would be easier if they brought it back and just went out back to eat it, and before I could answer this, my dad said no. My dad wasn't really all for me having this surgery done. After he said no, I just turned and walked away.

While he was gone to get the food, my mom and I talked. She thinks that food is like a fear now and I need to face it head on. That if I leave to go to another room whenever food is around, it will only get worse. The only way I could explain this to her was like this. She smokes so I told her, its like if you were trying to to stop smoking and everyone around you was still smoking and wanted to go be right in the middle of them smoking, it would be so tempting for you to pick up that cigg. lite it and start smoking it. That is how it is with me, when I see food that is hot and smells good, Im going to want to eat it, it doesnt matter if i want to eat it or not, it is a response that I have had for so long. I don't think she completely understood what I was trying to say cause she seemed to get mad at me for saying it. My dad did say he was sorry for what he said, but then turned around and ask me if I wanted to come in there with them while they all were eating and me eat some Jello or a popsicle. When I told him I'd rather not, he told me I needed to just suck it up.

I know that since nobody else in the house has had this done, there is no way in the world they know what I am going through. There are no support groups close to where I live except for 1 and it is like 30 minutes away and I have to pay $40.00 to attend it. I don't have the gas money to get there much less the money to pay to attend. So what do I do? This site does help alot, because you know what I am going through.

I just don't want to push the people I love the most away from me and I am scared that is just what I am going to do.

sassy,

I know it's easy for me to say, but try and hang in there. This stage is not permanent. I am so sorry that you are having to go through this with what seems like little support. I will keep you in my thoughts.

This site has been awesome for advice and support. We are ALL here for you!

[krtork 0]

You are grieving. You have made some big changes in your life all at once. You should be proud of yourself for making a decision to be healthy.

The eating in front of you is very hard. My family did KFC last night. I could even feel the taste in my mouth - very strange! It is hard and frustrating to watch them eat while I am having mushies and feeling hungry. I would suggest that you go for a walk or find a way to not be in the house when they do this, that way you don't even have to smell it! I think it is perfectly normal to have a grieving period. We had to be banded because we love food and eating too much of it. That is how we got to this point!

Remember that each of these stages will pass. You will soon be eating mushies, soft textures and then regular food/textures. Look toward the big picture, your health!

I think you are amazing! You have just been banded and you quit smoking at the same time. I have never been a smoker, but my dh has and I have seen him quit. That is a tough one! You are giving up several addictions all at the same time - if you weren't mad I think that would be strange.

Do you have someone you can talk to? Or like RestlessMonkey suggested does your surgeon have a counselor or psych you could talk to. It is hard not to get down sometimes but don't let it control you. Remember why you got the band and find a positive outlet for your emotions!

I hope you get to feeling better, I think you will find that each day is a little easier!

[MADE IT 2 MY GOAL..OH YEAH 0]

To everyone who has responded to my post so fast with all the wonderful tips, I greatly thank you. It means so much that people I don't even personally know (heck I don't even know your real names lol) would take the time out to stop and help me with a problem I am having.

I am going to take this one day at a time, and hey, I only have 9 more days until I can get to pureed foods. I'm sure that while everyone else is eating, I'll be fine with my chicken (or what ever I am having that night).

I have an aunt that went through the same thing, I am going to call her and see if she and I can get together and her help me out while I am going through all of this, not just phase 1 but throughout the whole thing. She had the Bypass a few years ago, so she does know what I am going through. That idea come from my mom and from you restless monkey, thank you so much.

I guess I am going to get a little bit more walking daily which is a good thing. Who knows I may be able to talk my husband into going to the store and getting me some dumb bells so I can start using them for my arms. And maybe get me some ankle weights for when I walk.

I do feel alot better know that I am not the only one that has felt this way and I am not just some grumpy bitter person. This is normal.

Like I said in my earlier post. I may not see it now, but, I know that when it all is said and done and I look at myself in a full length mirror and like what I see, I will know that it was all worth it.

So, again, thanks to everyone for their responses.

[nikole76537 0]

Hey Sassymama-I understand ALLLLL your feelings! LOL..My hubby took a whole week off to assist me and the day after the surgery, he went to go to McDs. Before I knew it, I had my daughter, my son and my hubby all grubbing on some juicy cheeseburgers and fries ANNND cokes while I was sipping chicken broth. LOL...I also went a little crazy and let me tell you..it was the last time they ate in front of me. After a few days, I was ok. Now, 3 weeks later, I can handle it...so just like everyone else has said..the feelings will pass for the most part BUT there will always be that part of you that will get angry. I get angry b/c I can't finish a whole meal in one sitting...I get mad b/c I can't have a big ole glass of Dr Pepper. LOL..but then I realize, those things put together put me over 320 pounds and borderline diabetic..so you know what? Everything happens for a reason and you WILL get through this. Sometimes it takes sacrifice to appreciate the struggle.

Also, I quit smoking amonst all this too..so I definetly understand where you are coming from...PLUS I started college courses this month too. One day at a time and remember..you have the support of this website plus the support of your family. Don't ever try to overcome your issues without them. Good Luck and let me know how you are doing!

[RestlessMonkey 7]

I just know your Aunt can help you. What a great idea! And your family may not understand, but we do! Be nice to yourself.

[jjsmiles 3]

One of the things you need to realize is that you have just gone through major surgery - the lows you are experiencing are absolutely normal, althouth very unpleasant to experience. Not only are you mourning your old lifestyle (eating everything you want, smoking and pop), but your hormones and body is all over the place because of the surgery and anaesthetic.

Unfortunately the people we love the most often have the hardest time being supportive. In some ways they have a really vested interest in keeping things the way they were (status quo is comfortable and familiar), although they won't want to admit it. They think they are being supportive, when in fact, they are being anything but.

Given your conversations with them so far, you might want to save your most serious discussions about how they can support you for when you are on a more even keel. As they see you experience success, they will start to come around. Explain to your family (when you are feeling better) about how you feel, how they can help and then leave it at that - they either will or won't.

Distract yourself with a walk or something else that is just for you and gives you peace and satisfaction. Come online and read and post. I think one of the biggest lessons for many of us in this journey is that we need to start doing for us, and not just others. Living the way we always have just led to morbid obesity, so we have to make changes, even if those around us can't or won't (even if just initially).

If you have a meltdown or behave hatefully - apologize, acknowledge that you shouldn't have done it, or could have handled the situation differently, and move on. Probably the best thing you can do is model good behaviour (even after the fact). They will appreciate that you know the difference.

As others have said, it will get better, know that this is absolutely the most difficult point of your new journey, and you are not alone.