Another thing I had to do for myself

[Hollie519 1]

I just told my boyrfried that we need to be on a break. After posting a thread with my thoughts of my childhood, I realized i have a lot of work to do on myself. I also found myself wondering if I was just with this guy because he loved me before I had the surgery or am i clinging to him because I thought he'd be the only guy who'd ever love me. He also, is like my child. Sometimes i feel like a single parent; more often than not. I pay all the bills and make sure he is doing everything he should be. I can only take care of his stuff to an extent. I am not his mother nor his wife, so certain things i can't do. It always seemed funny to me that those things I couldn't do, never got done. There were just always certain obsitcles that I thought, when they were finished I'd be happy. I have come to realize, that no matter what gets accomplished, i am not happy. i don't know if it him or if its me. I mean, when he's gone, i miss him. i don't if its because i don't want to be alone or if it is him. We have a lot of the same views on life and have a good time with each other just sitting back and debating things. I don't know. i'm so confused. i am only 18 years old and i feel like i'm thirty. Because of the surgery, I had to do an at home program to graduate high school. So since September, I've been working full time. I will be starting college soon and i don't think i can take it. I have money anxiety that comes from my dad and I am so frequently so occupied with worrying about how things are going to be paid for. I need help. i mean he makes money, but he doens't worry about the bills or about the responsibilities that i take on that I shouldn't have to.

I just want to scream, I AM ONLY 18!

Thanks for listening.

[aubrie 6]

Acheiving self realization at the tender age of 18 is phenominal. The fact that you are so in tune with yourself at such a young age is admirable. You seem to know yourself fairly well. Most people wouldn't see the things you do, or would be in denial over them. If you can talk about deep things with your BF, then keep talking to him, but if you feel smothered, then taking a break would be the right thing for you to do. But I wouldn't get rid of that friendship just yet. You still need a support system. EVERYONE does!!! You seem like a real smart and introspective young woman with a good head on her shoulders. Relax, and enjoy things in your life. Enjoy college. It will be the best time of your life, and now you have a new outlook and new attitude to go with it. Don't fret. I think you're on the right track. Especially for your age!!!

[lessme 0]

Hi Hollie, I have read many of your posts and I admire your spunk! You fought for your surgery and got yourself into a study that paid for your medical expenses now you need to fight for your independence. I agree that you should keep a supportive friend but it sounds like you are giving 110 percent and he is taking 100 percent. Honestly it sounds a little co-dependent with this person. As a high school teacher I think you seem incredibly mature for your age and I am sure you will make the the right decision. College is not just a whole lot of fun, it is a whole lot of work and studying. You will need all of your energy to graduate. Best of luck and keep us posted on your progress. You may only be 18 but you sound like you have the responsibilities of a 30 year old.

[Hollie519 1]

Hi Hollie, I have read many of your posts and I admire your spunk! You fought for your surgery and got yourself into a study that paid for your medical expenses now you need to fight for your independence. I agree that you should keep a supportive friend but it sounds like you are giving 110 percent and he is taking 100 percent. Honestly it sounds a little co-dependent with this person. As a high school teacher I think you seem incredibly mature for your age and I am sure you will make the the right decision. College is not just a whole lot of fun, it is a whole lot of work and studying. You will need all of your energy to graduate. Best of luck and keep us posted on your progress. You may only be 18 but you sound like you have the responsibilities of a 30 year old.

Oh my gosh! I was just telling someone that. I am 18 but I feel 30. I think a lot of my resentment toward my boyfriend comes from the past I have yet to deal with. I have finally said out loud, "I am not fat anymore but I still hate myself". And it is so true. I broke down yesterday and I think he realizes that he needs to take on more of the responsibilities so I can have more time to take care of myself.

And college will be a blast. i never studied a day in my life during high school and I graduated with honors. I DO NOT CHEAT EITHER! I just do the homework and it kind of just sticks. I mean i know i will study because college is harder, but I have very good memory.

Thanks so much for the input. It helps me look at my situation from a different perspective.

[Donna113 2]

Hollie, like you said, you are only 18! You've had a really hard, tough row to hoe and you haven't been able to be a carefree teenager. Be one! Go to college! Leave your boyfriend and everything else behind for a while and just go, go, go! Fly away! Give yourself a year. Don't turn back during that year no matter how discouraged, lonely or scared you get. Fly, fly, fly!

[Hollie519 1]

Hollie, like you said, you are only 18! You've had a really hard, tough row to hoe and you haven't been able to be a carefree teenager. Be one! Go to college! Leave your boyfriend and everything else behind for a while and just go, go, go! Fly away! Give yourself a year. Don't turn back during that year no matter how discouraged, lonely or scared you get. Fly, fly, fly!

I suffer from anxiety. No way could i just go. I think it got worse when I started driving. Driving made me realize that I had to worry. God wasn't going to make my wheel automatically turn if I was going to fast or what not. I was always ignorant for not realizing that things could happen to me. I used to be one of those people who didn't think bad things would happen to them and it would always happen to someone else. If I were to just pick up and leave one day, I would stress about money and probably have a heart attack.

I can never get my mind around if I am making excuses or if it is really is like i say. Sometimes I feel like i have an answer for everything but who knows if its right or not.

[ReadySteadyGo 8]

Way to go, Holly, that was very brave. I am a big advocate of self improvement. It sounds like you are off to a running start. Congrats.

[Donna113 2]

Hollie, I suffered from anxiety in my 20s. Anxiety comes from fear but if you let go of the biggest fear, then it's a lot easier to let go of the other fears. Ask yourself, what will happen if I die? Depending on your religion, philosophy, beliefs and how you feel about whether you were a good person or an evil person, once you arrive at that answer, you may lose your fear of death and once you lose your fear of death, all the other stuff just doesn't seem so scary anymore. Always ask yourself, what's the worst that could happen? And then have a plan. I was in therapy for anxiety and depression in my early 20s and it was nowhere near as helpful as asking myself the questions I posed above.

[Hollie519 1]

Hollie, I suffered from anxiety in my 20s. Anxiety comes from fear but if you let go of the biggest fear, then it's a lot easier to let go of the other fears. Ask yourself, what will happen if I die? Depending on your religion, philosophy, beliefs and how you feel about whether you were a good person or an evil person, once you arrive at that answer, you may lose your fear of death and once you lose your fear of death, all the other stuff just doesn't seem so scary anymore. Always ask yourself, what's the worst that could happen? And then have a plan. I was in therapy for anxiety and depression in my early 20s and it was nowhere near as helpful as asking myself the questions I posed above.

See I am not afraid to die. I am afraid to fail. I am afraid to be stuck in this world with no one to help me feel safe enough to break down and cry. Since I was young, I have always had to be the strong one. My sister is 3 1/2 years younger than me and my dad's alcoholism was full blown in my younger years; too far back for my sister to remember. We used to wake up to our parents screaming and yelling at each other. I would have to comfort her and stay strong for her and I did that by pretending everything was ok. I eventually got to the point where I was always pretending everything was ok. My mom was always the one who could make me break down, and cry but she used to treat me like her best friend. I mean I recall her asking me what I thought about her and my dad getting a divorce. So, she is mentally too unstable to be my rock. I love my mom and she has always tried to be there for me but she has WAY too many unresolved issues to be what I need. A lot of my self hate comes from her. She also hates herself and has never dealt with it. My mom has openly admitted to me that she had remorse toward me because I was over weight. Don't get me wrong, my mother is a great mother, but i don't think she was all she could be for us because of her own pain.

I just want to be a little girl and have someone hold me while I cry. I want to be taken care of because I feel like I've taken care of myself since I can remember but I am afraid no one can do that for me. :/