Did you tell others about surgery?

[Happy_Girl 0]

Hi all!

I am new to the site and this is my first contributing post.

I am in the process of securing insurance approval (which I am confident will go fine). My husband and son know, as does one of my sisters. I do not plan to tell anyone else. I only shared with my sister because she is also morbidly obese and insurance may cover surgery for her too.

I do not want to be judged for "cheating."

A female co-worker had the surgery after it was added to our benefits package. This co-worker was dangerously overweight (she had well over 200 pounds to lose), had a long list of health problems, and had obtained a handicapped card for her car because she was incapable of walking the shortest distance.

Knowing all this, co-workers would be supportive, smiling, and encouraging when talking to her one-on-one, but behind her back, and eventually in open conversation with her, they would go on and on about how she "cheated."

Co-workers have told her to HER FACE that she did NOT need the surgery, she just needed to learn discipline. One male co-worker told her he wasn't surprized when he heard she'd be having the surgery because, he said, "fat people always take the easy way out."

Average/normal sized people already make value judgements about us because of our size. Dozens of social psychology studies show that overweight women are discriminated against more than any other group of people.

Overweight women receive less pay, fewer promotions, and fewer opportunities (on the whole) than any other group of people.

The stereo-type is that obese people are lazy, unmotivated, and should be ashamed of themselves. People don't choose their skin color, but they do choose how much food they eat--and everyone in the world knows it!

I refuse to have anyone suggest I did not work to lose my excess weight because I elected to have a major medical intervention in my weight lose. I will alter the way I eat until the day I die. How many "normal" sized people can say they did that?

No. I won't tell anyone.

Your response makes me sad because it's so, so true. I'm sorry you (well all of us for that matter) have had to go through these unpleasant experiences. People who have never struggled with this simply do not understand. You're right --- I have been struggling with how to deal with this, but, I will not tell people when I am banded in Jan '09.

[socal 0]

Will I tell anybody about the surgery - not in a million years!! Other than my best friend (who already has her surgery date), and I have plans to tell my adult son, but not until post op. No one else though.

I do agree that it's a personal decision, and I applaud people who are the "open-book" types; however, it's not for me.

Let me share something from my past, not regarding surgery, but weight loss in general.

Before my low-back injuries, I was able to run and do aggressive exercise. And about 7 years ago, I slowly evolved and became this fitness/diet fiend and became the leanest I've ever been since high school.

I was so naive to the struggles in relationships w/ acquaintances, coworkers, loved ones, and family specifically regarding my weight loss. Many were supportive and complimentary, but even that made me uncomfortable when the questions went too far....so, exactly how much have you lost? how much do you weigh now?...etc etc

But far worse are the ones who become absolute monsters because of your success. Most of these folks were close or family - some were average sized, and were obese. I don't want to relive that horrible negativity by giving all the details, but the bottom line is, I ended up having to cut the negative people out of my life (family included). Sad, isn't it??

Some of the average-size friends/loved ones are only comfortable with you as the "fat/chubby" friend (even ones to whom you are no threat to), and the obese ones were unhappy w/ my success, because they evidently felt it directly correlated to them.

I was devastated by all of this, because it was my personal choice and something I pushed on no one but myself.

I had many friends and family that were/are unconditional through thick and thin....however, not everyone in this world is. For me, my previous weight loss brought out the worst in some people in my life.

So, definitely, other than you lapbanders, my BF, and my own strength, will be my only support system.

Good luck to all, and have peace about your decision - if it's right for you -then that's all that matters! That is afterall, what this is all about, improvement for health and life for ourselves.

[truckoholic 0]

I have not got the band yet, largely because the one person I would like most to know about my life changing decision is absolutely dead set against it. My mother. At one time she was talking to me like it was really possibly a good choice for me to make. But now she has heard so many of the negative bad stories of weight loss surgery difficulties, that she has become so against any kind of weight loss surgery that now I am being forced to do it in secret if I go through with it if I want our relationship to be spared.

I have a friend who had some sort of mysterious surgery a couple years ago that she did not even tell her mom or her kids that she was having it. But now a couple years later she is magically 100 pounds lighter. So I'm almost positive that it was some sort of weight loss surgery but have not got up the guts to ask her which one, and don't want to imply that she couldn't have done it on her own by asking.

So yeah, I would have told my family members, and anyone else that wanted to know, since I'm not a real secretive person when it comes to surgery like some people are, but given the fact that my mom and sister seem to be so set against it, I probably will not tell. Atleast not til after it's done and I'm doing okay.

[needtoseemeagain 0]

I'm getting banded in January and am torn on whether tell people, too. I socialize quite a bit with my co-workers. But, if I tell ANYONE at work, then everyone will eventually know; and while most people will be supportive, the next time I correct an employee or receive a promotion over someone else, I fear the cattiness will emerge.

But on the other hand...i feel that any "shame" I might be feeling can't be healthy. Maybe I'm underestimating people. I just know that once that cat is out of the bag, there's not putting it back in.

So...I'm feeling a little isolated and am in the same quandry you are. :thumbup:(

Hey Happy G,

It really is hard to decide. A friends husband was banded and she said that if you don't tell anyone, be very carefull about eating in public because if you don't chew well or if something makes you choke anyone who could be educated about WLS will know you have had a procedure. She suggests just Soups, soft things, liquids until you are really sure about you can eat comfortably.

She also suggested that I start something like a diet or new health regime so that when the weight starts coming off it will fit.

My office is the same way. We all have a great time together but promotions, corrections do bring out the sideway glances at times. I don't socialize with coworkers outside of work though, I try to keep a public and private life.

[Fort Bend Band 0]

I personally told everyone I am close to. Some do say hurtful things and watch what you eat which is really annoying. As time goes by (I have been banded about 18 months) you are not so sensitive. You also are more willing to tell more people especially when you start looking better. I think you lose track of who you told and who you didn't so its best just to be an open book so you don't look like a liar. I also strongly believe that when you keep secrets you feel shame and that is not what the band is about! I hate it when people say it is the easy way out! Nothing could be more difficult but it is totally worth it! Another thing I can say is that the lap band is a very SLOW process so some of the less supportive people may be acting like it is not working at first which make you feel like a failure but if you hang in there eventually everyone will see it works and then you have the last laugh!

[needtoseemeagain 0]

Straight Bend, you have a great points. Most people tend to self protect in some way. Hopefully not by telling untruths, but if some become transparent at a slower rate than others while working their bands in the end we all have victory in a safe unforced place. I see both sides telling and not telling, both sides are very personal responses to a part of this weightloss journey.

[Mr.Mike 0]

My banding date is Dec 3rd. I was one step short of putting this on the news. I told everyone I associate with. I am proud of what I am doing and that I am going to change my life for the better. I also used this to my advantage. I surrounded myself with all the positive reactions and use these people as my support group. Sure there was negativity and worries but thats from people who dont understand the procedure or even me for that matter. I am at a point where we need more positive feedback than negative. Its a rough road getting to surgery and your mind goes through rollercoasters of emotions so I will take all the help I can get. Everyone is different and has their own reasons for telling or not telling people. I respect both and commend everyone for taking the steps to have a better and healthier life. Good luck to all!!!

[Treesa 0]

I have told only my husband and two close friends. I will tell no one else because i feel they really don't understand my battle. They will think i am taking the easy way out, eventhough they have seen all the years i have struggled with my weight. I will not tell anyone at work because then the whole building will know! As far as my boss knowing, he thinks i'm just taking off some time during the holidays. My banding date is 12/29. Good luck to everyone!

[Sarah.R 2]

Ahh momento I want to give you a hug, I agree with everything you said. Overweight women are definitely discriminated against and I know all too well about it. As for telling people, at the moment just my mum,dad and and aunt know and as well as almost all the doctors at the hospital I go to cuz I'm a specialty case. As for telling others I'll be telling my 2 sisters but I think thats it, my family wants me and the rest of mine to go to their house for xmas but that's around the time I might be getting my date so I can't really say "well I can't go cuz I'm having surgery" and if I do go then they'll be like "well sarah why aren't you eating?" but as for friends, I won't be telling them, some I know will definitely be supportive but others that aren't really friends I know will be complete bitches - especially one who I don't plan on telling and then shoving my weight loss in her face - harsh but she's done it to me since we've known each other so it doesn't fase me what so ever =)

[ColoradoChick 33]

I have only told a select few. If I feel the person will be supportive and non-judgmental I will tell them. My husband, children, parents, two of my sisters and a handful of co-workers and friends know. I have told only one of my three step kids. I have had great support from all that I have told except one who said I took the easy way out.

[kimberlyea 0]

I haven't been banded yet....still waiting... But i don't know what i'm going to do either. My sister and i have been talking about doing it at the same time now that my insurance will cover it(she has actually been planning on it before me)and i have really only talked it over with her and my husband. The only problem is, she will not keep her mouth shut, i'm sure of it, so there goes my privacy. I am not ashamed of it, but like many of you said...you don't want to feel like you have a babysitter over your shoulder...or people thinking that you took the easy way out...what the !**! There is nothing easy about changing your whole way of life....the eating, the exercise, and did i mention the eating!!!! I really don't over eat.... I just eat too much at one sitting only one or two times a day.....i don't ever eat in the morning... And when i do eat it's like a big bowl of Pasta or 4 slices of pizza at dinner time....

Question:

Are there any banded vegitarians out there.... I am one and i hear that you really have to force the proteins...scared i won't get enough of them when i do this. I have done nothing but gain weight since i stopped eating meat(14yrs)...(but mind you , i have also born 3 children)

i am just starting this process....but i am afraid that because i am pretty healthy(just overweight) that my insurance might reject me... Really thinking of just doing self pay.....

When you see a therapist, what do they want to know????what are the doctors wanting to hear???

Thanks for any reaonse....take care

[Fort Bend Band 0]

kIMBERL, my friend is a vegitarian (HER HUBBY IS BANDED NOT HER) but I can tell you whether you are banded or not it is not healthy to get too little Protein. You can get a lot of protein in soy and other Beans. You should be able to eat almost anything just less of it. You will just have to focus extra hard on the proteins! Finally, if you self pay you most likely do not have to have a psych eval. I was self pay and have a great MD but it was supprising how little they required of me. I have a friend who is trying to get her insurance to cover and she has had to jump through all kinds of hoops.

[kimberlyea 0]

That's what i have heard.. That not as much personal stuff is needed and the whole process is much quicker for self pay. If i decide to do this i am just going to put it all on a credit card offer i guess.i get some pretty good rates...my husband and i talked about it a lot last night. I just pointed out that now that i am soooo ready to do this, i would just hate to go through all of the insurance hoops and hurdles and then be rejected for coverage. It would be such a waste of time....i just imagine how far i could be into my "journey" by then if i just went ahead and did it myself! But it is a lot of money.......???

Ps i hate soy.... I guess i just don't know how to use it???

[Fort Bend Band 0]

I paid for my surgery on a credit card as well. I just plan to drive my old car for a few more years than I would like to. The band is a slow journey but totally worth it. I look better, feel better and do not constantly mentally beat myself up about my weight anymore. I am still over weight but I can buy my clothes in the regular size departments now...gosh that feels good! About the soy...I think the Chinese restaurants make it taste pretty darn good!

[kimberlyea 0]

I paid for my surgery on a credit card as well. I just plan to drive my old car for a few more years than I would like to. The band is a slow journey but totally worth it. I look better, feel better and do not constantly mentally beat myself up about my weight anymore. I am still over weight but I can buy my clothes in the regular size departments now...gosh that feels good! About the soy...I think the Chinese restaurants make it taste pretty darn good!

So , how long have you been banded. Honestly...what is the worst part of the whole being banded? I know there is a ton of positives...but what has been the hardest thing for you? how much have you lost and do you fluctuate much?

Have you noticed how many people on this site are around 40? I think by then people just realize they have waited long enough to take control and just do it! I need to talk to my husband some more tonight and figure out what I'm going to do (self pay or the long insurance road)Wish it wasn't such a long process.... take care