Harsh words or feelings we may have but, don't talk about.

ShawnaWrites · August 19, 2008

I was reading a blog from a person who also had WLS. It inspired me to write a blog and well, then I thought...why not post it here..maybe there are others feeling these things but, not talking about it. This speaks to people who are post op.

I am hoping this doesn't come out offensive. It's honest feelings ..and after reading Mick's it inspired me to write the words that are felt but, guilt makes me sometimes keep them in.

1. The buffet thing. Mick talked about it. When going to a buffet it's about getting the monies worth. I grew up poor...so, I am all about getting my monies worth. When I go to a Water park...I get there when it opens and I don't leave until it closes. So, I have endurance. Many people say to me "Shawna, let me know because I'll bring my own car." Yeap, I am a big on getting my *monies worth*. This is why since my band I do not go to buffets. It's not only a place to fail...but, truly what are we paying? Are we really getting our *monies worth* We also get, Obesity, diabetes, doc visits, clogged arteries, that end up on the plate. It also may add a sprinkle of an early death. I realized one day when at a Chinese buffet...no one in there was in healthy shape. That was a big eye opener.

2. food addiction... I am a big believer that this does exist. I know so many people who do not believe food addiction is real but, they are either in denial or clueless because they never had to deal with it. It becomes the escape, comforter, reward, etc just like a drug. Emotionally food can take on many personalities/fixes and feelings. I know I am a food addict...with a band. I guess I am kind of like an alcoholic with a sponsor?? It helps but, it's up to me. I wish there was a place near me ... an O.A. because I would go. I need a food sponsor... a buddy...I have them virtually but, here at home I lack the resources...so, I guess I am an addict without a person sponsor but, my band is helping me. (I'm sorry if you have dealt with the AA etc. I am using an analogy and haven't had to deal with that addiction...but, I do believe food can be comparable.)

3. The feelings some of us have after surgery when we watch someone in our old self shoes. I don't have this yet. When I read some blogs I see people angry as they watch someone eating like they used to. Screaming within when mom has biscuits, gravy, steak, and thirds. Right now I am in a different stage. I don't get enraged...I feel pity. I want to say "You should get a band" but, I don't. I feel like I have the cure for something but, it's taboo to share...oh and mega rude. I find myself saying in my mind "if they too could get one they would know how good it feels to have hope."

Specifically though, lets talk about the anger stage. I know others who feel anger, frustration, etc when they see this after they have had surgery and lost weight. I think the reason for these feelings is...it's hard to watch someone else slowly kill themselves like *the person angry did* before surgery. I guess maybe it's like a drug addict who is recovered watching someone else pick up a meth pipe and go into the role they once played. It's very hard. It is a reminder of the old ways and the person doesn't like the old them (I agree with not liking the old person. that feeling I know well)

Another perspective and comparison...I go back to my youth, I was a teen I was in an abusive relationship. I stayed for years, thought I didn't have no other way, had no self esteem, and gave up the dream of happy and love. I woke up though... I got out, got healthy, became strong, etc. Now, with a loving husband, 3 awesome kids, the thought of allowing someone to degrade me or hit me...seems so unimaginable! I now know what respect, love, and true happiness feels like ...So, I have a really hard time watching women/men stay in such relationships...I especially have a hard time when they have kids. I have to take myself out of these situations because I can't watch it. Oh, the back of my mind *gets it* the whole abuse syndrome, low selfesteem, etc but, the healthy me knows it's sooo worthless. When people get healthy with eating..maybe it's like leaving an abusive relationship?! So, we get angry when we see it! We can't watch the self abuse...because we know what it feels like to get help and find a new way to comfort, Celebrate etc. (I'm not perfect at this yet...still have times when I fall..especially around that time of the month) The reality is like drugs, abuse, etc Food also carries a death scare, health problems, worthlessness, and in the end hanging onto this life style leaves emptiness and the continuing of chasing a fleeting satisfaction, comfort, etc that food gives. I think many of us feel these things...anger/frustration or like me pity but, we dont' talk about it. We feel guilty.

4. My issue at hand. *food frustration* and wanting to hoard. I'll explain it. I watch those around me eat, I watch how big of bites people take, how they just swallow it with barely chewing, how they keep shoving it in even when they said "Oh, man I am full" and I see me. There is mindless eating that I see...the person doesn't look at the plate, they just shovel or pick it up. This one is very hard on me because since surgery I share plates with people. I can't eat a whole serving (well, people without band serving not a restaurant) and because I take my time, chew, relax, ...well I miss out. The other person eats the whole plate and I am stuck not feeling full. I finally said something because I was harboring anger...I said "I feel like the last kid out of a family of 10 to be ladling out my soup! I am hungry and you ate the food without even watching it, dividing it, realizing I had 2 shrimp out of 20...I think you are mindless eating...just sticking it in and not taking inventory." I know that sounds mean...but, I was starving in the shadows. This is after 5 months of it happening. I couldn't take it...I felt as if I was being taken advantage of. It's been a dangerous situation too...because it creates new issues for me to overcome. I find myself demanding my own plate (this person thinks it helps save dishes to spoon my portion on their plate) and I find myself hiding food (this is a bad thing.) I hide things I know I can eat because if I don't...well, I go without eating. My puddings are hid, my shrimp, my plums, my chicken from last night, etc. So, now I find myself hoarding food. It scares me to know I am hoarding. It also feels awful when I am looking at a cupboard of bread that people could eat but, I can't and my shrimp are gone.

These are some issues with WLS...I guess I just don't hear a lot about. I guess I realize I may be ripped for talking about them..but, it does feel good to get everything out. I guess I am inspired and learn a lot from reading peoples blogs.

losing it in ne · August 19, 2008

It is interesting that you don't read a lot about these things here. For me WL has been and very long and emotional journey that I have not compleeted yet and most likely will spend the rest of my life on. Unlike you I had mostly conquered the emotional aspects of my eating. All though once in a while they rear their ulgy heads and I really have to work hard and the positive self talk and get myself back on track. I think so many people go into this surgery looking for a quick fix for a long term problem which has less to do with food as with emotions. I hope you keep trying with the band and get yourself some support and therapy. I lost so many good years with my family because of my weight and my inability to rcognize what I was doing to myself and to them. Now in my mid 50's it is finally all coming together and I know that it takes a lot of me to do this, not just the tool I have around my stomach. My band has helped tremensously with my real hunger but I have to be in control of the head hunger. So far I have lost 96 #'s (60 with the band) inspite of complications with the port(lost it) so therefore I have no fills. I have gained a couple of #'s during a few really rough times, but I have fought back and I olan to win this war. I will be at a healthy weight. I had my surgery 4/11/08. but as I said before it has been a long and emotional journey to this point in my life. Mostly recognizng and working of the very things you talked about in your post. I encourage you to keep going and find out and take care of all the ugly things that make you do the things you do but don't give up on the band in the process. You will just be that much further ahead when you do finally wade through the emotional mud.

Good Luck to you. Just keep taking one step at a time and you will see the light at the end of the tunnel eventually.

ShrinkyDink · August 19, 2008

...truly what are we paying? Are we really getting our *monies worth* We also get, Obesity, diabetes, doc visits, clogged arteries, that end up on the plate. It also may add a sprinkle of an early death. I realized one day when at a Chinese buffet...no one in there was in healthy shape. That was a big eye opener.

This is something I'm working to overcome too, I'm trying to reprogram my thinking, I know I can still enjoy a meal thoroughly without stuffing myself and without cleaning the plate, but my old habits say "don't let it go to waste" Well isn't it going to waste anyway if I'm already full and it's just going to turn to fat?

...It becomes the escape, comforter, reward, etc just like a drug. Emotionally food can take on many personalities/fixes and feelings. I know I am a food addict...with a band. I guess I am kind of like an alcoholic with a sponsor??

I know exactly what you mean, food is part of everything we do. When we Celebrate we go out to eat. When we have a tragedy, people bring us food. I have been very bad about medicating myself with food and it's going to take a lot of work to break that habit.

...I feel like I have the cure for something but, it's taboo to share...oh and mega rude. I find myself saying in my mind "if they too could get one they would know how good it feels to have hope."

I find myself having the urge to tell people, but then I remember how it felt to have things suggested to me by very well meaning people. It was humiliating to have my problem pointed out. I had to come to decision myself, nobody suggesting this to me could have convinced me to do it.

...It also feels awful when I am looking at a cupboard of bread that people could eat but, I can't and my shrimp are gone.

I wouldn't call that hoarding, I'm having the same issue here. There is a kitchen full of food my family can eat and one basket in the pantry that's off limits cause it's all I can eat, yet what does my family want? My food. For me it's my children who don't understand why they can't have my sugar free pudding when they've already finished the 3 packages I bought for them, when it's adults, that's very inconsiderate to not leave you the few things you can eat.

These are some issues with WLS...I guess I just don't hear a lot about. I guess I realize I may be ripped for talking about them..but, it does feel good to get everything out. I guess I am inspired and learn a lot from reading peoples blogs.

No ripping from me, I hear you :thumbup:

Edited August 19, 2008 by ShrinkyDink

HeatherO · August 19, 2008

I am not really hoarding food, because no one really will eat the things I eat in my house since my tastes and diet are a lot different than my son and husbands.

I find that I am still buying too much stuff. A lot of stuff is now going to waist. It is like I am still buying to feed my previous appetites which are now gone. My cupboards and fridge are filled to overflowing, why???