True? Divorce after WLS within 3 years? Why?

[Joy1 0]

I hate to be a doomsday prophet...but my DH was all for this when I began the seminar route back in May.....I chose a Dr. and told him which practice....he was fine with it...........well, we finally met the surgeon for the first time last Friday, and he (who is also a Doc) acted disinterested, rude, etc.....very UNLIKE his normal self. On the ride home he said he knew "My Secret Plan", :cursing:to get thin and leave him. But, do hear this....we had issues before...he is much older and facing retirement, failing health and has always shown some envy at my youth... HAH.....(53), and happy go lucky attitude. This came out of nowhere, I would never leave him, but it is Tues. and we are barely speaking! If I try and reassure him he gets verbally abusive. It was my size 6 and personality that attracted him from the first. DUH!:thumbup: I'm the last person you want to hear from, right?:thumbup:

Joy

[marnew1967 0]

FINALLY!! A posting I can relate to..I was banded 7/11/07 and will be filing for a divorce this week. When I met my husband in 2003, I was a size 12; 5'9-exercised faithfully 3-4 weeks and ran the track. Through the course of the marriage I went up to a size 24-26 and hated myself because I've always been physically fit. This is our second marriage for both of us and I admit I married for all the wrong reasons, hence the weight gain. We tried marriage counselling and I even have individual counselling with a therapist who specialize in treating WLS patients. If I had the chance to do it all over again I would in a heartbeat due to the health issues/medications I was slowly accumulating. My DH is not happy about this but I can't afford to be in a marriage that is stressful on so many levels.

[Donna113 2]

Marnew, are you at your goal now? You mentioned your size when you got married and your size when you got banded a year ago but didn't mention your size now.

[marnew1967 0]

Because of my height (5'9), I'd like to stay at 165-170lb - anything less than that would make me look awful. The good thing about it is: I have no extra skin around the abdomen, thighs or arms. Only thing I need to firm up is the chest. My doctor told me to start eating more fattening food. I'm done with the fills and we're just going to see by Nov if some Fluid needs to be removed if I keep losing weight.

[marnew1967 0]

Sorry, I weighed in at 171lb on Aug 22nd when I saw my physician. I wear size 9/10 in pants. Tops I wear a medium. In the beginning I used to weigh myself often now I go by if my clothes fit me or not.

[Minxz 0]

I can see how the lap band/weight loss could be a disruption in a marriage. To make this work you have to be focused on it and if your mate does not support or show interest in the process you could grow apart from each other instead of growing together.

Being married is work I am still new at it (4 years) but I find that you have to make a conscious effort to not allow life's concerns to drive you apart so that you wake up one day with a stranger. If that happened I could see how the attention you'd get as thinner more attractive person could lead you to straying.

I think BeGails post is excellent!! Really love the line below that I quoted

The issue is that one of you is "changing" and when one changes both parties have to be willing to work at creating something new... hopefully together. In a relationship, there are really three "people": you, your spouse, and the marriage( which is how you operate together).

[Kat817 19]

I agree totally, my DH has been an active part of my banded life--even before it began. From talking about it, to the seminar, to today---with over 120 pounds gone for me, and over 30 for him! We have regained our health, and found new things to do together besides going out to eat!

It is without a doubt a change---------and both of you have to be willing to change with it.

My DH has been with me from the skinny me at 24 when I weighed less than 130 pounds! To the biggest me 3 years ago when I was almost 300 pounds! No one could be prouder of me and the weight loss, and yet I feel if I were to gain it back, if I did not shut him out---he would still be there. While the weight is a big deal, we have been through other highs and lows in our lives.

We have dealt with kids and serious problems with them, a son with a drug issue for a period of time. I have been through cancer with him by my side. We have lost loved ones.

Marriage is not a 50/50 deal. It is not 'I fix dinner today, you fix dinner tomorrow'. Sometimes marriage is 90/10--------sometimes you need to be carried along, and other times you do the carrying.

If you have a marriage that works in that manner, and you continue to work in that way, sure it can survive, weight loss is not an automatic divorce----I would rather remain fat and have the love of my life in my life. Fortunately for me, he would prefer I have both, my health and him.

You do have to work at marriage, it is no more a magic cure than the band is for our weight-----it takes help.

Kat

[aubrie 6]

I weighed 135 when I married my husband at age 31. It was my second marriage, but I had known him since I was 16. We were high school and college sweethearts that found eachtother again. So he had almost always known me thin. I gained weight rapidly after we married from undiagnosed thyroid problems. I went from a size 8 to a 20 in about 18 months. It was horrible. He never complained. Once I got to a size 24 or 26 over the years, our sex life dissolved altogether. It was non-existant and it broke my heart. We discussed it, and he was finally honest and said that sex was a "visual" thing for a man, and It was difficult for him at my size. My health was deteriorating. I was on meds. My arthritis forced me to avioid things I normally loved to do. I was lethargic and no fun. I knew it. It's when I watched my husband cry at the thought of pushing me around in a wheelchair that I decided to have surgery. he was supportive from the get go. I have lost about 65 pounds, and our marriage has improved 110%. We do things together. Travel. Dance. have sex constantly. hike. kayak. fish. It's like being in a new marriage. Actually, it's getting my old one back. He has the love of his life back, I have my health back and we have eachother back. It's been a God send. For me, WLS saved my self esteem, my marriage, and my health. I'm a lucky, and very happy girl. He is a little worried about me cheating, but he trusts me. I think it's more that men will come on to me!!! Not the other way around. At first he thought it was funny. He doesn't laugh about it so much anymore.

[amillerjones 0]

My husband and I got married in 2003; I had WLS in 2006 He became that jealous insecure verbally abusive man once I lost the weight. It seemed like every man around me was telling me how beautiful I was except my husband. I had the WLS because of finding out my husband cheated and wanted to feel desirable again. It was wrong, but I ended up cheating back after numerous times of being accused of it. We just separated on Wednesday as a result.

[Donna113 2]

(((aMillerJones)))

I'm sorry about the entire saga. Keep your chin up and tack this one up to one of those experiences that will only make the next relationship all the more precious.

[BethFromVA 5]

Wow, I'm glad this post was raised back to the top again. I hadn't seen it before.

I too worry about my marriage. In the past, when I have lost a lot of weight (50 and 70 pounds previously), I started getting attention from people (including men) and it eventually freaked me out and I re-gained the weight. I don't know if I was afraid I would be tempted to cheat (I've never been a cheater) or what because I have rarely felt desired by DH, even when thinner. He is like a sexual camel -- he could go weeks and probably never think about it. However, I am at my peak and think about it often. This has been a HUGE fight between us for years, and now I pretty much give up.

Just the other night I got home from school, grabbed his hand without saying a word, and took him upstairs. I was being very attentitive to him and being the nasty little wifey, and he couldn't even perform. I wanted to bawl. :smile:

[MacMadame 81]

I had the WLS because of finding out my husband cheated

I think that's the core of the issue. WLS will not make a bad marriage better. Any big life change puts strain on a relationship, even if it's a good change, and strain will tear apart a weak marriage.

OTOH, WLS often makes a good marriage better.

I too worry about my marriage.

Me too. It's not bad. DH and I make a good team and he's a real sweetie in so many ways. But we've been married for almost 20 years and all the passion is gone. His weight is also an issue because it interferes with his performance.

I feel hypocritical for minding his weight when he never minded mine, but it's definitely an issue, particularly since he has so many health problems and is in total denial about his weight. But, now that I've done something, it's that much harder to put up with him not being willing to do much of anything about his.

[amillerjones 0]

I think that's the core of the issue. WLS will not make a bad marriage better. Any big life change puts strain on a relationship, even if it's a good change, and strain will tear apart a weak marriage.

OTOH, WLS often makes a good marriage better.

Me too. It's not bad. DH and I make a good team and he's a real sweetie in so many ways. But we've been married for almost 20 years and all the passion is gone. His weight is also an issue because it interferes with his performance.

I feel hypocritical for minding his weight when he never minded mine, but it's definitely an issue, particularly since he has so many health problems and is in total denial about his weight. But, now that I've done something, it's that much harder to put up with him not being willing to do much of anything about his.

ME TOO!! Oh my goodness! I am 28 and my husband just turned 43. He is a truck driver and is getting in poor health with a big belly, high blood pressure and cholesterol. I too felt guilty about getting on him about doing something even though he never got on me. So that was also an issue in addition to everything else that I had mentioned. I also took the Fluid out of my band and gained weight up to 182 to get attention off of me, because it was scary with all the attention all the changes and all the insecurities it seemed to cause my husband. However I received a fill after he left and already dropped ten pounds in one week! (Of course I am depressed and barely eating) Today was the first day I really ate anything solid.

[Donna113 2]

ME TOO!! Oh my goodness! I am 28 and my husband just turned 43. He is a truck driver and is getting in poor health with a big belly, high blood pressure and cholesterol. I too felt guilty about getting on him about doing something even though he never got on me. So that was also an issue in addition to everything else that I had mentioned. I also took the Fluid out of my band and gained weight up to 182 to get attention off of me, because it was scary with all the attention all the changes and all the insecurities it seemed to cause my husband. However I received a fill after he left and already dropped ten pounds in one week! (Of course I am depressed and barely eating) Today was the first day I really ate anything solid.

I'm sad to hear that you'd be willing to sacrifice your own happiness to appease your husband's insecurity. If you live for someone else, you forfeit your own life.

[betrthnever 107]

It IS interesting to see this thread back up! Just in time, in fact, to relate the story of my dearest friend, "B" (This REALLY is about my friend, not me :-) Things are going great between DH & I). B and I met on the bus about 5 years ago, when both of us were very obese. She was about 290 and I was around 230. We were the 2 fat chicks who had to share the bench seat 'cause sitting in the regular seats together was impossible.

Anyway, our typical conversations would be, of course, about our weight (and how we could NEVER have weight loss surgery) & our husbands/relationships/families. She LOVED her husband (and in many ways, she still does) and did put her relationship above everything else. They had sex 3x a week and were good friends. I was envious that her relationship was so close when my DH & I seemed to always be struggling. We rode the bus for a couple of years together until her work laid her off. We said goodbye and wished each other the best.

Fast forward a couple of years (about a year and a half ago). We ran into each other at my work, of all places. We were able to get right back into our friendship. She told me that she was scheduled for gastric bypass and that was when I decided to start the process of getting banded. At that point her DH started to cool toward her and she suspected an affair. Right after surgery he stopped having sex with her all together and didn't have it (with here) for over a year).

Fast forward again (am I drifting on? LOL) and B, now about 140+ pounds lighter, is now "sex crazy" and is going through a second adolesence it seems. She spent tons of money on CDs of music that teenage girls would listen to (ok, I know adults like that stuff, too...its just so out of character for her). She's met a couple of guys for sex online and has even shared this info with some of her co-workers (yikes!!). Her marriage is on the brink, her DH treats her worse then ever. She's realizing that DH has never really been a good person anyway. And it took losing the weight to find this out. IMO B is spinning out of control.

I've seen this disinegration of B's marriage right before my eyes. The marriage was probably all wrong from the get-go but still (she's been married for 30 years!!!). She BELIEVED the marriage to be ok, and still loves the man, still is turned on by him, but can't live a sexless life (can't blame her for that) & with a man who says & does snide things. HOWEVER, I'm trying to tell her that no matter what happens between DH & herself she needs to live with herself and be able to hold her head up. Trying to get her to focus on using that powerful, exciting new energy of hers to make her life better - working out, her photography, her job.

At this point she's contemplating divorce but DH has the health insurance and she wants some surgery before it happens.