True? Divorce after WLS within 3 years? Why?

[Jaffa 5]

Love my wife more each and every day of my life. I hope that never changes.

[betrthnever 107]

Jaffa, was going to ask what your avatar was but I understand now! I use to really be into Stargate back in the day, too.

Good that things are working out for you in the love department.

When talking about love the reality is is that love, in many ways, is like your dream car (just roll with me on this one - I'm not implying that love or relationships are as trivial as autos). It can be wonderful for a long time, or a lemon right from the start. Say its great from the get go - If you're lucky it runs beautifully, smoothly for years. But there's gonna come a time when someone/something crashes into the bumper and you have your first *ding*. No big deal! Doesn't effect the ride; it still runs beautifully. Then it gets hit by a car door in the parking lot another *ding*. But so what? Its been so reliable, has run so smoothly for a long time who cares what it looks like? And even after its broken down on your way home from work for the 2nd time in a month you still feel you can make it work, although maybe the seeds of doubt start to grow. Your friends & familly start to ask if you really feel like you can rely on that car - if its really working for you. Still you stand firm - its been reliable for a long time and you've always wanted it. But when it breaks down (for the umpteenth time) on a back road in 112 degree heat (Phoenix summer), and your AAA membership's lapsed and your cell phone battery's dead, AND its your time of month (sorry, just had to throw that one in) you realize that, although it was a great car at one point, it just can't be fixed anymore. You can park it or move on.

What it boils down to is you can still love it but if it doesn't work it doesn't work. OK so there are going to be people pissed off about the analogy I used but so what? It is what it is.

[Kat817 19]

Really the only issue I have with your analogy, is that the car is an inanimate object, unable to help "repair" the dings life sends its way. Ideally an adult in a marriage, would be able to help out with those dings. The problems arise, when the other person either will not, or can not help in the repair and upkeep of the marriage.

Marriage is seldom if ever a 50/50 give and take situation. There still needs to be a balance.

You do not say why it has taken so long on your DH's education, and yours pushed behind it. But when one partner does the majority of the giving, and the other the taking, it does wear down. There is a loss of respect, and trust, when a plan such as yours goes awry.

My DH and I have been through many, ups and downs in life---and have managed to ride them through together, and like Jaffa, I thank God for him everyday, and love him more as time goes on. And I feel the love returned to me in a deeper way through the years.

I have known my DH since 4th grade! We did not marry until many years (and a couple of marriages) later. He knew me when I was runway model thin. 120 pounds on a 5'9" frame, and yep I caught his eye! By the time we actually got around to dating, I had been pregnant, and had a child, and hovered around 150 pounds----my best weight. Life threw some curves, and he left to go to school, and I remained here with my child near her father. And I entered into an extremely abusive relationship. The next time I saw him, I was closer to 300 pounds than 200. He never treated me any differently. He married me at an easy 270 pounds. We were happy for years. Then my health took a hit with my weight, and high blood pressure, high blood sugars, joint pain etc. began taking their toll. So I began researching WLS. Chose the band and discussed it with him, and the family. He was supportive, but kind of reserved.

He went on to tell me, he felt like he was walking a fine line, or in a mine field. If he was gung ho supportive, I might take it he was unhappy with me as I was. If he did not react at all, I might think he resented me spending the $$ to get healthy. There is no proper way to act......he had a point. LOL

Have I changed since losing 100 pounds? Yes I have, but he changed with me. We are both healthier. He did not sabotage me. He still has his Butterfinger fix---he does it at work! I am not young, but I do get looked at more---even old men look! He teases me about it.

I used to feel shame when he introduced me to his coworkers or whoever. He never seemed to be fazed introducing this woman almost twice his size. He was never one who got off looking at only big women, so that was not the thing. He still puts his hand at my waist and introduces me same as always---I have changed with it tho. No more down cast embarrassed eyes---I feel proud, that he is no longer dwarfed by me---I feel normal!

He was shocked when I told him this, He was almost angry that I was ever ashamed of myself.

I believe the stats may be correct. Life changes non stop, and if you can change along with it together, then it is wonderful. But pulling someone else along, is hard work. Tiring work, and often unappreciated work.

Good luck to you!!!

[betrthnever 107]

Thanks, Kate. And this is even harder because I know my husband is a good man. He, too, loved me when I was big. He loves me still, I believe. And maybe we can come back together. Of course I can't predict the future but I will say that I will always care for him and he will always be dear to me. I might have said this before but sometimes love isn't enough.

[kimmyb 0]

I struggle with perhaps being fat because I am afraid that if I am thin and men come on to me I will take them up on it and destroy my marriage. I think it goes back to having an alcoholic father who has never yet told me he loves me (I am 50). I used to use sex to get even a few hours of what I equated to love. What happens if I get thin and men come on to me and I fall back into this pattern? Being fat has meant that I have not had to deal with this because no one is attracted to me. I have been married for 30 years and have had this problem when I was thin before.

[*susan* 1,709]

Been a long time since I checked into this thread, and just read it all over again. Wow, has a lot changed since I last posted this. I am now divorced. I just couldn't get past the cheating and lies my ex told me. And, I discovered he had started a relationship online with someone he had dated back in high school. That was pretty much the end.

But, I have since found an amazing man and have never been happier in my life than I am with him. I guess things really do work out for the best in the end.

[betrthnever 107]

Susan, how long were you divorced before meeting this great man?

[td1164 0]

HI all, I've read so much about how the divorce rate goes up after having weight loss surgery, esp within the first 3 years. And with divorce statistics as high as what they are already it makes me wonder. I didn't want to attempt a survey but I am aching to ask those who have been banded for a while if you have experienced this - divorce after being banded & what do you think the reasons were that caused the divorce. OR did the surgery help your relationship with your SO?

I've been banded for 6 months now (wow, time flies!) & in some ways I feel closer to my DH then ever but it hasn't always been so. And those reasons haven't gone away but are lurking in the background still to this day. In no way do I want to divorce & for years I've worked on keeping the issues we have from completely interfering in our lives. Sometimes it seems like so much work.

There was a point about 5 years ago (I've been married for 13 years now) where I lost 50 pounds on WW and was feeling great. I LIKED the attention I was receiving from others & beamed at compliments. I didn't want to recognize the issues I had with my DH, some of them I believe were (are) compatibility issues. I rekindled a misguided affair of the heart with someone I knew in childhood. It was all over the phone & through letters & lasted a short time but it caused my DH much pain.

Needless to say I'm very weary about how I feel about my now shrinking self. It doesn't interest me much when a man tells me that I look good. In fact I shrink from that attention 'cause I look at it in light of my previous experience.

I would like to hear from those of you with first hand experience with issues of the heart resulting from WLS/lap band. Did the surgery cause problems or actually help your relationship? Thanks for sharing your stories.

[green 6]

HI all, I've read so much about how the divorce rate goes up after having weight loss surgery, esp within the first 3 years. And with divorce statistics as high as what they are already it makes me wonder. I didn't want to attempt a survey but I am aching to ask those who have been banded for a while if you have experienced this - divorce after being banded & what do you think the reasons were that caused the divorce. OR did the surgery help your relationship with your SO?

I've been banded for 6 months now (wow, time flies!) & in some ways I feel closer to my DH then ever but it hasn't always been so. And those reasons haven't gone away but are lurking in the background still to this day. In no way do I want to divorce & for years I've worked on keeping the issues we have from completely interfering in our lives. Sometimes it seems like so much work.

There was a point about 5 years ago (I've been married for 13 years now) where I lost 50 pounds on WW and was feeling great. I LIKED the attention I was receiving from others & beamed at compliments. I didn't want to recognize the issues I had with my DH, some of them I believe were (are) compatibility issues. I rekindled a misguided affair of the heart with someone I knew in childhood. It was all over the phone & through letters & lasted a short time but it caused my DH much pain.

Needless to say I'm very weary about how I feel about my now shrinking self. It doesn't interest me much when a man tells me that I look good. In fact I shrink from that attention 'cause I look at it in light of my previous experience.

I would like to hear from those of you with first hand experience with issues of the heart resulting from WLS/lap band. Did the surgery cause problems or actually help your relationship? Thanks for sharing your stories.

Hi.

My wife had the lap .

She is not here . But I think some people can have very low self esteem issues. A more attractive self can change that. When the self esteem changes people re-evaluate their lives and what their love or need was.

[betrthnever 107]

*****HI all, I've read so much about how the divorce rate goes up after having weight loss surgery, esp within the first 3 years. And with divorce statistics as high as what they are already it makes me wonder. I didn't want to attempt a survey but I am aching to ask those who have been banded for a while if you have experienced this - divorce after being banded & what do you think the reasons were that caused the divorce. OR did the surgery help your relationship with your SO?*****

Hi Everyone,

As I was the originator of this post I thought I'd better get my rear in gear and actually say that I am now a statistic. Lots has happened since I first posted this post. I'm officially divorced as of a couple of months ago. I'm also suppose to close on my very 1st house (was suppose to close a month ago but it keeps getting pushed back knock on wood that this is it. Had enough of living with the ex, a room mate & his (the roommate's) very obese girlfriend - I've worked hard to lose weight and it bothers me being around someone who doesn't care ). I had problems with my band back in October & gained 15-20 pounds back (which I am now losing, btw) due to 6 months of a complete unfill. My children have had a hard time dealing with the divorce & the overall changes in our lives & this has been the hardest for me to deal with. Three family members have passed away in 3 weeks (my grandmother (natural causes), my uncle & aunt (murder suicide). My ex still isn't working, and I'm looking at a life of financially supporting my children by myself - but no different then it has been for years now, anyway.

Strength shows itself in times of hardship. Its not always about losing weight sometimes, but just maintaining it. That, I feel, in itself is a big victory. I'm proud of myself. I might have been the one who pushed for the divorce but I was the one who decided I no longer wanted to live a life where it was better to stuff it inside then to admit I wasn't happy. And I've always wanted to own a house (something my ex never thought was important) and I've worked hard to make it happen by working two jobs. I just can't control some of the things that happen to me. And that's the way it is. Sometimes I'm sad & lonely, and wonder how I'm going to do it all on my own, then I'm reminded that its OK to feel fear but just to do it anyway.

[td1164 0]

HI all, I've read so much about how the divorce rate goes up after having weight loss surgery, esp within the first 3 years. And with divorce statistics as high as what they are already it makes me wonder. I didn't want to attempt a survey but I am aching to ask those who have been banded for a while if you have experienced this - divorce after being banded & what do you think the reasons were that caused the divorce. OR did the surgery help your relationship with your SO?

I've been banded for 6 months now (wow, time flies!) & in some ways I feel closer to my DH then ever but it hasn't always been so. And those reasons haven't gone away but are lurking in the background still to this day. In no way do I want to divorce & for years I've worked on keeping the issues we have from completely interfering in our lives. Sometimes it seems like so much work.

There was a point about 5 years ago (I've been married for 13 years now) where I lost 50 pounds on WW and was feeling great. I LIKED the attention I was receiving from others & beamed at compliments. I didn't want to recognize the issues I had with my DH, some of them I believe were (are) compatibility issues. I rekindled a misguided affair of the heart with someone I knew in childhood. It was all over the phone & through letters & lasted a short time but it caused my DH much pain.

Needless to say I'm very weary about how I feel about my now shrinking self. It doesn't interest me much when a man tells me that I look good. In fact I shrink from that attention 'cause I look at it in light of my previous experience.

I would like to hear from those of you with first hand experience with issues of the heart resulting from WLS/lap band. Did the surgery cause problems or actually help your relationship? Thanks for sharing your stories.

[td1164 0]

my wife had the lap band two yeARS ago and icant help but feeling insecure jealous and it makes me crazy she not the same pearson , i dont think she would be unfaithful but she goes out with friends at least twice amonth now she never went out before she drinks now she never drank before nor did she go out ever . flirts a lot more she says shes just more confident , i wish i knew what to do.

[betrthnever 107]

my wife had the lap band two yeARS ago and icant help but feeling insecure jealous and it makes me crazy she not the same pearson , i dont think she would be unfaithful but she goes out with friends at least twice amonth now she never went out before she drinks now she never drank before nor did she go out ever . flirts a lot more she says shes just more confident , i wish i knew what to do.

I can feel your fear, and I understand it. When you say she's drinking more, is it like every day or on weekends or...? If she's doing it daily & lots of it then there's more of an issue going on. If its just in a party environment then I would say (from experience, BTW) that she's just in the moment and that parties do end.

I can understand about her wanting to go out and have fun after hiding from her body for so long. Those of us who have been big for so long, we want to enjoy our bodies, be noticed because of them and maybe just have the fun we never or haven't had for decades just because of being big for so long. But even my "wild & crazy times" with my friends was short lived. I'm a mother, I have a job (sometimes two) and getting over hangovers takes days anymore. Reality does come back. Think of a pendulum that's swinging back & forth - one end is the very insecure person who doesn't want to be noticed, and on the other end is this new "swan" who wants to strut her stuff & whoop it up like she's 18 again. In the middle is the person who is more confident and loves herself more but is tempered with responsiblities.

Why not go out with her, or make the mutual friends together and go out with them? Use that sexual energy she has to your (the relationship's) advantage - meet her at the bar and try to pick her up in a very hot way? I'm not a psychologist, but I will say from my experience that the when I started doing more and more things apart from my husband (which was pretty much day one in our relationship - he just never wanted to do much at all. And this was way before the band.) I started no longer feeling like I was part of a marriage. We SHOULD have tried to find more things to do with each other and just insist on it if we really wanted to keep our marriage. Hind site is almost 20/20.

[betrthnever 107]

ok, ok, I know I don't have lots of room to talk being divorced myself, but I'm playing at a what if. What it we do what we can to help a relationship? Wish I realized I had a "what if" when I could have done something about it.

[kaninag 35]

My husband and I got divorced but we are now back together. At first he would tell you it changed me for the worse...now for the better. Yes I am more confident. But I know who I am as a person and where I want to be. I would tell ALL couples that have 1 person going thru a big weight loss or even if both are...if you wanna stay together get counseling BEFORE the big weight loss journy starts. That way you both know what to expect and can work thru it together!!!!