True? Divorce after WLS within 3 years? Why?

[jvinciguerra1 0]

Well you're one of the first honest people here, lol, because you know very few will admit to it and naturally it's why I lost 100 pounds twice in my life(in my 20s) but now I'm at the point where the lap band didn't work like I thought it would, does it mean I need to kill myself no, I'll just go on as is and it's not the end of the world. I'm tired of struggling and focusing on being thin all the time, it's not worth it anymore to me! Good luck to you, Nancy.:cursing:

It's half and half ... but when you hit 50 years of age all those medical issues creep up .... which I never in my life thought they would. So honestly, I just want to get under 180 lbs (more is icing on the cake) and I don't want to have my toes cut off from diabetes or my life cut short from high blood pressure ....or even worse ... a stroke that leaves me depended on people I love. Jan from NH

[cravemyheart 0]

I'm 22 and have been obese since I was a child. I've never been thin. I've been with my boyfriend now for 4 yea rs and we are talking about marriage.

I'm being banded because my health is deteriorating. But, I must be honest- that's not the only reason. I've never been thin and I've never had the attention my thin friends have. I don't want to widdle away my younger years being the fatty in the corner. Theres some experiences I haven't had yet, and I need the confidence to get on with my life (get a career, get married, etc)

Somewhere along the lines, I knew this statistic (whether its real or not), Its frightening to think that if I lost my weight, i'd lose my boyfriend. But it's also completely understandable. Especially for girls like me who've never been thin and never had the attention that came with it. All of a sudden were thin, happy and sexy and can get any man we want and weve never had that experience. Of course, many are going to jump on that chance.

I just hope I'm strong enough to avoid this problem, because the last thing I want to do is leave my boyfriend. So, I understand why many choose counciling after WLS.

[Jaffa 5]

LOL....it doesn't sound like you would be too upset if you moved on. Come on, as long as your being "honest", you just as well admit at your age, and something as drastic as going from fat to thin, there is no way your staying with him. Heck it may even be the real reason for the surgery. Don't get me wrong, I don't see anything wrong with that, if that is what you want.

[Kat817 19]

There is an old saying that the best defense is a good offense. Knowing that serious weight loss can bring out buried issues in a relationship, seems as tho it would make dealing with them in an up front manner easier.

What the statistics are really I have no idea, and I would imagine you could find back up for any you choose to believe, that is how stats are. But I do see how someone in cravemyhearts position, can see both sides of things. Weight loss does bring on huge changes, in all sorts of ways. Not just physical, but mental as well. We have difficulty sometimes wrapping our minds around how we look. And it goes both ways. Some people lose massive amounts of weight and still "see" themselves as fat. Others lose the first 50 pounds and "see" themselves as sleek and sexy. And many times, how you "see" yourself is how others perceive you as well. Seems like everyone handles the changes differently.

There are emotional changes along the way that cause upheaval in marriage/relationships. Fat cells hold estrogen, and when you lose rapidly as in the first months, that estrogen is dumped back in the system, and leads to symptoms like PMS--same hormonal surges. Some people cry at the drop of a hat, and others bitch and moan and scream---and the weight loss gets blamed. While it IS at the base of the weight loss, it will ease, and you will be normal again!!! But sometimes the lows like that trigger other issues, and it expands.

Knowing all these things in advance, and having a relationship in which you can talk about it will make surviving the weight loss together possible.

My husband told me, my weightloss was for him a bit like walking through a mine field. He said finding the fine line of support, without judging was hard. He was behind me getting the band, but was afraid to be TOO encouraging, because what if I couldn't---would I think he didn't love me how I was? And if he wasn't encouraging enough, maybe I would think he resented the $$$ being spent, or that he preferred I not do it. And as the weight come off, he was complimentary ALWAYS, but he said he was afraid to gush about it, because what if something happen, and I gained it back, he didn't want me questioning that.

I had to admit, I had never looked at it from his side. They do---the spouse/partner----go through their own issues with our weight loss.

When I first was with my DH I was downright skinny, then 20 years later I was fat--and I felt just as loved by him. But I was ashamed of me. When he introduced me to his co workers, I was embarassed for him. He never acted any different.

Now, down the road 3 years, he gushes about it--he tells me he is relieved from a health stand point, and I am no longer embarrassed to meet his friends. Have even had a few hit on me....but he and I both know where my heart is.

If the relationship is worth nurturing and working hard through it---do it! If you have questions in your heart---listen.

[Fanny Adams 7]

Words of wisdom there, Kat...

[*susan* 1,709]

I love reading Kat's post, as she always has great insight and advice.

As for my situation, things have changed quite a bit. My husband and I sat down about two weeks ago and really, really talked. We were up most of the night talking, but it was worth it. In the end, we realized there were a lot of underlying problems that were affecting our marriage, finances being a huge one. We realized we were actually much happier before we bought our dream house. After we bought the house, we became "married" to it. Every penny we made went into it. We stopped going anywhere, doing anything. Basically, we had no life anymore. We began to resent each other and everything because the house was sucking us dry. Then, in October my husband's company eliminated his position due to the economy. He found another job quickly, but to a tune of about $1,500.00 a month less. That really hurt us.

Anyways, we decided to give our marriage another go. We have found someone to buy our house and we are downsizing. We will be moving into an apartment the last weekend of this month. We plan to stay there until my daughter graduates in two years, then maybe look at purchasing a small condo or something once we are back on our feet. By making this move, we will be able to have extra money to enjoy life with again, and still be able to put plenty away into our savings. While it was a hard choice, we both feel as though a huge burden has been lifted from our shoulders. For the first time in ages, we actually spent the entire weekend together, we ran errands together, watched movies, etc. We actually found ourselves laughing and enjoying each other like we used to. It was really nice and I am hopeful for our future together now.

[BethFromVA 5]

Susan, that's really REALLY great news!!! I think sometimes we all feel that things bring us happiness, when in reality they saddle us with huge burdens which then affect the rest of our living. I know I am way guilty of that myself.

[Jaffa 5]

Well, they do say that financial problems are the leading cause of divorce. I'm glad you were able to talk about it, and find a solution.

It is many times hard for people to "move backwards", but I have done it many times in my life. I have actually, always been relieved and happier afterwards. This may really work for both of you.

[*susan* 1,709]

Thanks, guys. I am hoping for the best.

[tapshoes 2]

Susan, this is a great development! A house (no matter how beautiful) is still a 'thing'. And 'things' can be replaced. People and relationships are more important.

[notateechanow 7]

Susan,

I'm so pleased to hear you were able to work things out. I think sometimes, as Kat mentioned earlier, we get so caught up in ourselves in this process and fail to consider our significant others and how our changes affect them. More importantly, you were able to communicate. This experience only highlighted the differences my ex and I had. We were very relatively early into the relationship (only 3 year...) and didn't have a successful foundation to revert to as you did. Good luck with your impending move. Maybe this will be a great opportunity to re-discover the strength of your relationship and your appreciation for one another.

[daqui26 4]

older thread but the info was great

[betrthnever 107]

Well, here I am, almost 2 months shy of two years since I posted this question (and 2 1/2 years since being banded) and now I, too, am facing seperation. Just a month ago or so I asked my husband for a seperation. The reasons are numerous and long lasting and are far too complicated to get into right now. But I WILL say that I am a much different person then I was before my surgery - and may I never go back to that being that person! - and I can no longer be a part of my marriage as it has been for years now. Within the same context. This doesn't mean I want divorce although I do feel I want my husband to be someone that he just can not be and that is worrisome. But more later.

Banders, what say you on this? Any changes? Esp. you long time banders?

I'll post pictures soon. Even though I'm very close to goal - maybe 15 pounds or so I'm still not comfortable with the way pictures show me. It doesn't help that I have lots of extra skin to deal with. But I'll deal!

[HeatherO 7]

Well, here I am, almost 2 months shy of two years since I posted this question (and 2 1/2 years since being banded) and now I, too, am facing seperation. Just a month ago or so I asked my husband for a seperation. The reasons are numerous and long lasting and are far too complicated to get into right now. But I WILL say that I am a much different person then I was before my surgery - and may I never go back to that being that person! - and I can no longer be a part of my marriage as it has been for years now. Within the same context. This doesn't mean I want divorce although I do feel I want my husband to be someone that he just can not be and that is worrisome. But more later.

Banders, what say you on this? Any changes? Esp. you long time banders?

I went back and reread your original post. I think you really held in there and made the attempt to make it work. It seems like incompatability and other issues seemed to have been there for years.

One thing I have seen with banders and others who have had life changing events happen . . . it seems as though small troublesome things that were of issue in the past seem to get bigger when you are going through a life change. What was tolerable in the past becomes the straw that breaks the camels back once you find yourself and develop more confidence and self esteem.

I am sorry that you are going through this now. However, this could be another transition in your life that may lead to you being a happier and more fulfilled person down the road. I wish you the best of luck. Congratulations on being so close to goal as well.

[betrthnever 107]

Thanks so much, Heather! Support is something I really need right now.

Funny before starting this journey I think I held on to an obviously unrealistic belief deep down inside that "if only" I were where I should be weight-wise things would just fall into place (come on, you've had that thought, too, if only a teansy-ensy bit?). Esp. in terms of my marriage. And that just hasn't happened. What has happened though is its opened my eyes to just how long we've been limping through our marriage & also to just how unhappy my DH has been as well.

At this point our concern is to get DH out of school (he's been in school off & on for about 8 years now - the original goal was for him to graduate and start working so I could go back to school full time. The school I want to go to is an intensive 26 month program, during the day, and its suggested we don't work. What I have been able to do is to get some of the prereqs out of the way at night at the community college). At this point I'll have to find another way to make it happen. But he needs to finish up to be better able to provide for the kids. He hasn't worked for some time.

The "when" we will actually seperate physically is still up in the air. I still care for him, he'll always be the father of my kids (and he needs to be able to support them), and he's not a bad guy are all reasons why I haven't just upped and moved. I would like it to happen sooner rather then later and I will be making sure I'm not being taken advantage of.

Should I just start a new thread with this?