True? Divorce after WLS within 3 years? Why?

[*slim* 2]

And - conversely - if an obese woman "settled" for a man who is less than she deserves, simply because she thought that was all she could get, then once she loses the weight, watch out. Suddenly, her self-worth goes up, she gains confidence and she re-thinks why she's with this jerk at all. Then the balance of the marriage shifts radically.

I know your post was to someone else, but it seemed like you were talking to me with this. I am currently going through this in my marriage. I keep trying to see whatever it was that made me get married (other than stupidity). I can't find it. We argue constantly. Don't get me wrong. He loves my weightloss. He even seems to be trying to act better because he seems to realize that I don't have to "settle" for him anymore. I haven't made an attempt to end the marriage, but the thought has crossed my mind more than once. I am hoping that some redeeming quality of his will come forward to give me reason to stay.

[*susan* 1,709]

It amazes me how many of us are having issues right now. I want to leave, but at the same time am really sad about losing what I thought would be the perfect marriage and my best friend. This weekend, my husband asked me why I don't love him anymore. Normally, I just say "I love you". This time, I said, "I am having a hard time forgiving everything you have done." Next thing I know, he has sold his trailer and I find him looking at apartments online.

I am not sure how I feel about all of this. I have so many emotions going on. Which I am sure many of us are dealing with. It is scary to think of leaving someone whom we thought we would be with forever.

[*slim* 2]

It is a very scary thought Susan. I don't know what to do. I can't continue being unhappy, but I am so scared of what that really means to my marriage, family, and life. We have been together for 13 years and before surgery, I guess I was oblivious to things around me. Now, I am so much more self aware. I am not putting up with things the way that I had. How I am starting to feel towards him shows. For years, I was the one putting forth the effort to keep our relationship together. Now, I can't honestly say that I care one way or the other. That is a sad state to be in about the person that you thought you loved.

[BethFromVA 5]

I am hoping that some redeeming quality of his will come forward to give me reason to stay.

It's his mama.

Sorry, don't mean to make light, I just couldn't help myself. I hope you don't hafta chew my ass too badly.

[BethFromVA 5]

It amazes me how many of us are having issues right now. I want to leave, but at the same time am really sad about losing what I thought would be the perfect marriage and my best friend. This weekend, my husband asked me why I don't love him anymore. Normally, I just say "I love you". This time, I said, "I am having a hard time forgiving everything you have done." Next thing I know, he has sold his trailer and I find him looking at apartments online.

I am not sure how I feel about all of this. I have so many emotions going on. Which I am sure many of us are dealing with. It is scary to think of leaving someone whom we thought we would be with forever.

Your story breaks my heart, Susan. I'm sure it's cuz I like you so much, but also, it IS hard to give up on the dreams we had when those in our dreams don't meet up to the dreams themselves.

When they've been asses, it IS hard to forgive them! I don't know what they expect, unless they think they can get away with doing crap because we're fat and "lucky" to have them, you know? Just like we may settle, I think they can take advantage as well.

I'm not sure if what your hubby is doing is in preparation for if/when you may kick him out or if he is simply ready to move on himself. Either way, the dream is already gone. Hanging onto the person doesn't make the dream. I know you know this -- and I'm not even saying that that's what you're doing. I don't know you that well. But whether the dream absolutely ends by his moving out or not, the dream is already gone due to mistrust and baggage that has been created in the marriage.

The only thing you can do for yourself is determine whether what you're trying to recreate is the dream, or if you really want to make it work with him. If you don't, then be fair to yourself and end it, because no amount of hoping or wishing will make it what you've already lost -- if it was ever there at all.

[*slim* 2]

It's his mama.

Sorry, don't mean to make light, I just couldn't help myself. I hope you don't hafta chew my ass too badly.

That was so mean, Beth. You were so caring about Susan's plight, but you make jokes about mine. Thanks.

[Jaffa 5]

"I'm not sure if what your hubby is doing is in preparation for if/when you may kick him out or if he is simply ready to move on himself."

I just noticed that the assumption is the man has to get out. He obviously thinks so also, or he wouldn't be looking for an apartment??

[*susan* 1,709]

Beth, thanks for the kinds words. I am just ready to be done. He asked me again the other night what is wrong and I told him I am very unhappy. He hasn't spoken to me since.

Slim, we sound so much alike. I think the only reason I haven't told him I want to end things is because I am so sad about all of this too. I thought it was the perfect marriage and he was the perfect guy. Turns out, that isn't the case. But, after so many years together, it is hard to let go, even though we know that is what is best. Plus, it is scary as hell to think about being on my own again. But, this weekend my daughter will be at her dads and it will just be him and I at home. I think I am going to sit down with him Saturday and tell him I want a trial separation.

Steve, in our case, we are both going to have to move. Neither one of us can afford the house we are in on our own. I have a cousin who is in real estate and have already talked to him. He said if my husband agrees, he would take the house off of our hands for us.

[tapshoes 2]

Susan,

I am so sorry to hear of your situation. I know from previous postings that there were issues (his ex not the least of them!), but I had hoped you and your husband would find a way to work through them. However, you MUST do what is right for you whatever that is.

My thoughts are with you at this difficult time.

[*slim* 2]

But, after so many years together, it is hard to let go, even though we know that is what is best. Plus, it is scary as hell to think about being on my own again.

That is exactly how I feel. I know it's for the best to let the relationship go, but at the same time, I can no longer imagine myself without him. I know that my relationship with him doesn't define who I am, but he has been a major part of my adult life.

I hope that you both are able to work out something (whether that be separation or counseling to stay together). In the mean time, take care of you.

[tapshoes 2]

In the mean time, take care of you.

The same to you Slim. My thoughts are with you as well as you face this regretable situation.

[*slim* 2]

Thanks Tap. I am trying.

[notateechanow 7]

Wow....never thought I'd be someone responding to this, and thankfully I was never married. However, when they talked about this subject at the informational seminar, I sat smugly and happily knowing I'd be with my guy forever. He was the only person who knew about my surgery and supported me in my decision. He waited on me hand and foot during the weeks following my surgery. He was the perfect man who loved me while I was huge and celebrated every success I had, no matter how large or small. I waited for my ring, and I kept waiting. At some point last summer, he started getting annoyed with me. We ate out nearly every meal and he'd get angry with me for being finished eating in just a few minutes. "EAT something, please?!" I realized that he thought he could support me in this, but the reality was that our lives REVOLVED around food---our travels, day trips, vacations, EVERYTHING. We had little else in common. I still love food, but I can't eat much. I left him in November. I realize I wanted more from a relationship and I'd like a chance at having a family. I couldn't keep waiting for him to come around....

So now I'm single. The strangest thing is that when I was fat and single, I at least knew men dated me because they LIKED me. Now, I have to worry that they have other motives. Dating can be fun, but it's a totally different ball game now. I'm far less trusting than I used to be. It wasn't the excitement I hoped for.......sure, men approach me far more now, but for what?! If my ex could have figured out what he had in me, I would have stayed. I needed and still need someone who sees all of my potential and who encourages me to be a better person today than I was yesterday.

So, as sad as it is to read this thread...I've lost my smug, bitchy attitude. The "that won't happen to ME" ignorance is gone. I love my new life and wouldn't change my experience for the world, but it's far lonelier than I ever expected.....

[BethFromVA 5]

Wow....never thought I'd be someone responding to this, and thankfully I was never married. However, when they talked about this subject at the informational seminar, I sat smugly and happily knowing I'd be with my guy forever. He was the only person who knew about my surgery and supported me in my decision. He waited on me hand and foot during the weeks following my surgery. He was the perfect man who loved me while I was huge and celebrated every success I had, no matter how large or small. I waited for my ring, and I kept waiting. At some point last summer, he started getting annoyed with me. We ate out nearly every meal and he'd get angry with me for being finished eating in just a few minutes. "EAT something, please?!" I realized that he thought he could support me in this, but the reality was that our lives REVOLVED around food---our travels, day trips, vacations, EVERYTHING. We had little else in common. I still love food, but I can't eat much. I left him in November. I realize I wanted more from a relationship and I'd like a chance at having a family. I couldn't keep waiting for him to come around....

So now I'm single. The strangest thing is that when I was fat and single, I at least knew men dated me because they LIKED me. Now, I have to worry that they have other motives. Dating can be fun, but it's a totally different ball game now. I'm far less trusting than I used to be. It wasn't the excitement I hoped for.......sure, men approach me far more now, but for what?! If my ex could have figured out what he had in me, I would have stayed. I needed and still need someone who sees all of my potential and who encourages me to be a better person today than I was yesterday.

So, as sad as it is to read this thread...I've lost my smug, bitchy attitude. The "that won't happen to ME" ignorance is gone. I love my new life and wouldn't change my experience for the world, but it's far lonelier than I ever expected.....

I don't know what to say. :biggrin:

What a bittersweet ending. I'm happy and sorry for you both at the same time.

[emjay 8]

luv2teech - your post really struck a chord with me, because my husband is a "foodie". We go out to dinner alot, when we travel we're always checking out the places to eat, he prepares our meals at home, and our going out with friends mostly centers on going to dinner. I've been following this thread to try and be aware of the potential issues that may come up and I'd be less than honest if I said this doesn't worry me.

My husband of 4 years met me when I was at my lowest weight since high school and continued to be supportive of me even when I ballooned up to 300 lbs. But the fact that so much of our lives centers around food is a big concern to me and one that needs some attention.

Thanks for the post. You are in my thoughts.