True? Divorce after WLS within 3 years? Why?

[kaninag 35]

WOW, This thread is kind of disturbing to me.

My husband and I started datingin 2001 my senior year in high school and I wore 9/10...thru college quickly gained weight...well I went on a diet around 2004 or 5 and lost 50lbs no problems...looked great felt great was back down to 9/10 almost an 8 :eek: and we split up...I felt like I had to be free and needed sometime to "be young" we ended up getting back together and of course over time I gained the weight back plus some....we got married 2 years ago...I love my husband very much but these statistics are kind of scary. I have noticed that I feel better about myself and have been getting noticed more by men and I dont mind it one bit......:w00t: I just dont want to go down that divorce road I am very happy where I am but like I said these statistics are alarming.

Maybe we should start counseling...not that we really have any problems...if I dont like something Im not one to hold it in long and neither is he..so we have always communicated our differences.....which I think is good and we're bestfriends...well I will def keep reading on this thread to see how others are doing.

[MacMadame 81]

these statistics are kind of scary.

They are also largely made up.

[Donna113 2]

Madam - I love your matter of fact comments! :sad:

[kaninag 35]

They are also largely made up.

I'm sure some are.

[jessicastatzer 0]

My husband puts not effort into our relationship and is never interested in sex. I constantly feel unwanted and unloved. I have tried to talk to him about this several times and he never replies and just tries to avoid the conversation. I am scheduled for weight loss surgery in a week and a half (thanks to his great insurance). I am sure of one thing..there will be a change in my life...either I will get skinny and he's going to get with it or I'm going to get skinny and get out.

[HarleyGirl 1]

My husband puts not effort into our relationship and is never interested in sex. I constantly feel unwanted and unloved. I have tried to talk to him about this several times and he never replies and just tries to avoid the conversation. I am scheduled for weight loss surgery in a week and a half (thanks to his great insurance). I am sure of one thing..there will be a change in my life...either I will get skinny and he's going to get with it or I'm going to get skinny and get out.

Sounds very familiar to me......and my husband I just separated.

He has resented my weight loss and blames all of our problems on me "changing"....yes, I have changed.

I won't settle anymore.

[wickedme 0]

I had to put my two cents in... My DH and I have been together for 13 years with 2 great kids together and I have a step daughter. Nothing in our relationship has been easy, from his daughter being bounced around, to his family and their issues,, my aging and ailing father and my family issues, we struggle all the time. My being banded was suggested due to health issues, but there hasn't been a moment in this process that I haven't thought about what it will be like to be thin and more attractive.. that being said, I was hoping that my husband would change and start telling me how great I was looking and act like he was proud of me,, instead I get off hand comments and short responses only after someone else has said something.

When my mother lost 80 lbs in her late 50's after 10 years of being overweight, my father, a man of little words told her everyday of her journey how proud he was of her and how beautiful she was.. he bragged to everyone and it was so amazing to see and hear... Well I want that damn it,, and I deserve it. I didn't just gain this weight because I sat on my ass doing nothing. I had 4 miscarriages, a hysterectomy, endometriosis removal, a broken leg, and years of unending stress from taking care of 3 kids by myself while he worked 6 days a week and slept on the 7th.. I want my husband to tell me I look great and be supportive and encouraging and I have no idea what will happen over the next year if I don't get some of that from him. I'm tired of asking for it and hinting at it, and if anyone else has gone through this and gotten divorced I can completely understand.. It is not what I want in any way, I love him with all my heart.. but even my mother, who believed in true love told me before she passed that love is not everything in a marriage and not to expect less.. My parents had 8 kids and were married for 43 years before she was killed in an accident..

[*susan* 1,709]

My marriage has definitely gone downhill. My husband basically ignores me. He gets home from work, grabs his dinner, goes to the den and spends the rest of the evening playing with his rc cars or on the computer. He doesn't say goodbye when he leaves the house in the morning, he doesn't say goodnight when he goes to bed and he never compliments me on my weightloss. We are just sort of existing together in the same house, that is about it.

Part of the problem with my marriage is I learned my husband cheated on me 8 years ago with his ex-wife, who he has always claimed to hate. We had only been married 1 1/2 years at that time. And, even though I had suspected it, he lied to me about it for eight years. He also lied about a secret checking account, post office box and, most recently, cashing out his 401k. I finally got him to admit about sleeping with the ex in April. Yeah, it was eight years ago. But between the fact that he lied about it all these years no matter how many times I confronted him, and all the other lies, I just don't have much faith in him anymore.

Plus, now that I am losing weight, I am starting to get attention from men. I know it shouldn't affect me, but it does. I am enjoying the attention. Perhaps, if I had gotten more attention at home, it wouldn't matter, but it does.

I still love him, but not the way a wife should love a husband. I don't want to hurt him, which I think is why I am still there. But, I don't know how much longer I will stay as I am just not happy anymore.

Edited May 21, 2009 by *Susan*

[wickedme 0]

Kat817,,,

Great post,, thank you for your reminder..

I still don't want to settle, but if your looking for someone to always be 100% there is only God who can do that for you.. we are all human and I know there are times where I just have nothing left to give my husband either.

[emjay 8]

Susan - I can't tell you how disturbing it is to hear about the state of your marriage. To me, it seems like it's the little things in your marriage that can be the glue. It's not the $$ or the "stuff", but the validation and acknowledgment that you're important and worthy in the eyes of your loved one.

I'm a newbie at marriage - only 4 years out after getting married at the ripe old age of 41. I was 164 when I met my husband, 210 when we married and 300 a year or two after that. He's stuck with me all the way. When I stalled on my last "diet", I discussed with him the lap band procedure. At first, he didn't like the idea, but when I brought it up a few weeks later, he said he would support me whatever my decision was - even offering to help me pay for it. I could have cried! My point is - I don't think many people understand just how all-encompassing a weight problem can be and how much of an effect it has on a person's life.

I hate to even give you my 2 cents, but if you have any feelings left for your husband and even want to give your marriage another try, find a good counselor that can help you both. If he doesn't want to go...go yourself. At least you can say that you've given it a shot and maybe you will be able to find the answers that you need. You have to get at the bottom of why he feels like he can be so dishonest and distrustful with you.

I really feel for you.

Edited May 21, 2009 by emjay

[HeatherO 7]

I really truly believe that wls just brings underlying issues more to the surface. Problems become more apparent and you have to be willing to work through them as a couple.

I also agree that sometimes people settle for less than what they need out of fear that they may not be able to find something better. Once you build up confidence and feelings of self worth, things that were just OK in the past become intolerable for the future.

I think this happens with any life changing events with wls just being one example of many. I don't think anyone comes through unscathed with major changes . . . you are either torn further apart or melded closer together but things can never remain the same.

In my case, banding has really strengthened my marriage. Lifestyle changes of this magnitude are not easy but my DH has supported me all along the way and I can attribute a good part of my success to his faith in me and encouragement. We learned more about each other through this process than I would have ever thought possible.

[kaninag 35]

I really truly believe that wls just brings underlying issues more to the surface. Problems become more apparent and you have to be willing to work through them as a couple.

I also agree that sometimes people settle for less than what they need out of fear that they may not be able to find something better. Once you build up confidence and feelings of self worth, things that were just OK in the past become intolerable for the future.

I think this happens with any life changing events with wls just being one example of many. I don't think anyone comes through unscathed with major changes . . . you are either torn further apart or melded closer together but things can never remain the same.

In my case, banding has really strengthened my marriage. Lifestyle changes of this magnitude are not easy but my DH has supported me all along the way and I can attribute a good part of my success to his faith in me and encouragement. We learned more about each other through this process than I would have ever thought possible.

Couldn't agree more. I hate that everyone is going thru these probs I mean WLS should be the beginning of great things not the beginning to marriage problems. I am thankful that my husband and I arent going thru this. If anything my wt loss has made me be amore open happier person thus leading to a happier marriage...Good luck to you all.

[LindaD 3]

I'd be lying if I didn't admit that concerns around how this all will affect my marriage haven't cropped up in my mind.

My husband and I love each other deeply and I would say we have a very strong marriage. He's very supportive of me in this journey.

At the same time... it's unknown territory. For example, he loves curvy/big women (me ahem). Now, he loved me 17 years ago when I was a 14/16 too - way smaller than I was when I started this journey. But what if I end up a size 8 and he struggles with the loss of curves or something?

What if I get male attention that intoxicates my ego and I mishandle it, lose my level head?

What if I'm so focused on my lap-band world, my weight loss, my diet, my support group, my message board, the gym, the pool... what if it becomes and obsession and he feels left out and develops different interests and friendships?

What if my libido doesn't come back? What if the fatigue doesn't go away? What if losing the weight doesn't solve the problems I'm hoping it solves?

It's scary because it's all unknown.

If anyone has advice or suggestions, I'm all ears. I only hope that my husband and I keep the lines of communication open and work through whatever comes our way.

[ldeere2005 0]

Strange how I "happened" upon this post. My husband and I just separated two days ago. We've been having problems for over a year due to he cheated on me March 08. I loved him with all my heart, so I decided to stick with him and try and make our marriage work. For the most part, that was a complete mistake. He hasn't cheated again as far as I know, but he had changed. This good-hearted, good-natured man that I married 4 years ago became synical and gouchy. And even though I weighed more when I married him then what I do now, it wasn't good enough. I've lost 60+ pounds since Jan..... 26 of that being since surgery on April 8th. And during the 5 months that I've been on this journey, I've had NO support from him. He didn't help me come up with one penny of the money I had to pay down.... and he hasn't said one single word about my weight loss. Not one single word. Everyone at work has complimented me and been a great support system. Everyone in my family has complimented me and are a great support system. But the one person in life that I should be able to count on for support, nothing NOTHING! He finally broke down this week and told me that he knows I'm excited about my weight loss but he just can't get excited. I asked him if it was because he didn't thing I would be successful this time either. He said he knows I will because I have no choice since I've had surgery. No choice? Of course I have a choice! He thinks the band will "force" me to lose the weight. And then he started on the fact that I've been talking about joining a gym and haven't yet. Well, that was because my surgeon told me only walking for the first 6 weeks post op and this past Wednesday was my 6th week. I couldn't take anymore of his crap and asked him to leave.

I can't believe how high the stats are. And I can't believe how he has changed towards me. I've always taken care of him and put myself on the back burner. But I have started taking care of me and he couldn't stand that.

[LindaD 3]

Ideere,

Have you talked about what he's feeling to make him act that way? Perhaps he's scared - maybe he's putting up walls because he's terrified that you will lose weight and find someone else. I'm guessing this is quite common.

I think the dynamic of an overweight woman and her spouse is interesting. I often wonder if there are studies on it. I mean, it seems a pretty complicated 'balance' and when something like a major weight change happens, it upsets the whole balance.

I don't mean that this is true for ALL couples where one is obese. But IF the obesity is a key part of the balance then it's going to make this change very difficult.

If he chose you partially because you were obese (maybe he's attracted to that, maybe he thinks it will give him more security because other men won't pursue you, maybe he thinks it will give him more control because you will be insecure and eager to please, etc.) and you no longer are, that is a significant thing. It changes everything for him - in one case, his attraction to you, in another his security around being the "only man" who wants you, and in the last his ability to assert his will onto you.

And - conversely - if an obese woman "settled" for a man who is less than she deserves, simply because she thought that was all she could get, then once she loses the weight, watch out. Suddenly, her self-worth goes up, she gains confidence and she re-thinks why she's with this jerk at all. Then the balance of the marriage shifts radically.

I'm sorry about what you're going through. I'm merely wondering if his actions toward you are more out of FEAR than ill-intent. Good luck with it all.