True? Divorce after WLS within 3 years? Why?

[betrthnever 107]

HI all, I've read so much about how the divorce rate goes up after having weight loss surgery, esp within the first 3 years. And with divorce statistics as high as what they are already it makes me wonder. I didn't want to attempt a survey but I am aching to ask those who have been banded for a while if you have experienced this - divorce after being banded & what do you think the reasons were that caused the divorce. OR did the surgery help your relationship with your SO?

I've been banded for 6 months now (wow, time flies!) & in some ways I feel closer to my DH then ever but it hasn't always been so. And those reasons haven't gone away but are lurking in the background still to this day. In no way do I want to divorce & for years I've worked on keeping the issues we have from completely interfering in our lives. Sometimes it seems like so much work.

There was a point about 5 years ago (I've been married for 13 years now) where I lost 50 pounds on WW and was feeling great. I LIKED the attention I was receiving from others & beamed at compliments. I didn't want to recognize the issues I had with my DH, some of them I believe were (are) compatibility issues. I rekindled a misguided affair of the heart with someone I knew in childhood. It was all over the phone & through letters & lasted a short time but it caused my DH much pain.

Needless to say I'm very weary about how I feel about my now shrinking self. It doesn't interest me much when a man tells me that I look good. In fact I shrink from that attention 'cause I look at it in light of my previous experience.

I would like to hear from those of you with first hand experience with issues of the heart resulting from WLS/lap band. Did the surgery cause problems or actually help your relationship? Thanks for sharing your stories.

[BeGail 0]

HI all, I've read so much about how the divorce rate goes up after having weight loss surgery, esp within the first 3 years. And with divorce statistics as high as what they are already it makes me wonder. I didn't want to attempt a survey but I am aching to ask those who have been banded for a while if you have experienced this - divorce after being banded & what do you think the reasons were that caused the divorce. OR did the surgery help your relationship with your SO?

I've been banded for 6 months now (wow, time flies!) & in some ways I feel closer to my DH then ever but it hasn't always been so. And those reasons haven't gone away but are lurking in the background still to this day. In no way do I want to divorce & for years I've worked on keeping the issues we have from completely interfering in our lives. Sometimes it seems like so much work.

There was a point about 5 years ago (I've been married for 13 years now) where I lost 50 pounds on WW and was feeling great. I LIKED the attention I was receiving from others & beamed at compliments. I didn't want to recognize the issues I had with my DH, some of them I believe were (are) compatibility issues. I rekindled a misguided affair of the heart with someone I knew in childhood. It was all over the phone & through letters & lasted a short time but it caused my DH much pain.

Needless to say I'm very weary about how I feel about my now shrinking self. It doesn't interest me much when a man tells me that I look good. In fact I shrink from that attention 'cause I look at it in light of my previous experience.

I would like to hear from those of you with first hand experience with issues of the heart resulting from WLS/lap band. Did the surgery cause problems or actually help your relationship? Thanks for sharing your stories.

As a counselor and halth care professional who was recently banded, I can tell you that I have seriously considered exactly what your concern is and have also experienced what happens through my clients. So here it is. If you and your spouse had issues that have gone unresolved before the weight loss they will be exacerbated with the weight loss. The issue is that one of you is "changing" and when one changes both parties have to be willing to work at creating something new... hopefully together. In a relationship, there are really three "people": you, your spouse, and the marriage( which is how you operate together). Have you had any serious discussions with your spouse about what to expect and how to prepare for it? Although I love my husband dearly we do have issues that each of us tolerate about each other. I know that my changes will result in increased risk for our marriage and we talk about it frequently. We have both put some plans into effect to enhance our relationship, and my husband has made it clear that he does not intend to lose me. and I really don't want to lose him. So we will work at it now, as this is really his journey, too. Hope this helps.

[betrthnever 107]

Hi Gail, thanks so much for your reply! Your post is very insightful. My DH & I never have sat down to talk about how WLS will change our relationship. And we are both quite personable and talking comes easy to us.

[green 6]

It seems to me that if a marriage has survived on the basis of one partner's low self-esteem and neediness this will begin to change as she or he begins to lose weight. She will begin to feel good about herself and she will rightfully feel that she deserves more than living in an unhappy relationship. If the marriage is a good one, weight loss shouldn't really change too much. It will just be another adventure which husband and wife enter into and go through together. My mate has supported me through weight loss surgery, a face lift, and now he is nursing me through throat cancer. We've been lucky, I think. Our relationship has always been a good one and it continues to be strong.

[Nanook 2]

I've only been with my husband for 28 years but I think you can tell early on if the person you're with is superficial or not. I know plenty of people who talk about their spouses in ways that I've never considered. Picking on physical attributes etc... Sometimes it's behind their back or in their face and in front of others. When I hear talk like that or people complaining in such a way I know it's not long before they're hitting the divorce court. Nancy.

Edited August 19, 2008 by Nanook
spell

[betrthnever 107]

I've only been with my husband for 28 years but I think you can tell early on if the person you're with is superficial or not. I know plenty of people who talk about their spouses in ways that I've never considered. Picking on physical attributes etc... Sometimes it's behind their back or in their face and in front of others. When I hear talk like that or people complaining in such a way I know it's not long before they're hitting the divorce court. Nancy.

Only 28 years? Wow, that's great.

[Manatee 4]

My take on it: http://killthefatman.livejournal.com/32994.html

[Nanook 2]

So Manatee does that mean that most people's desire for WLS is driven by their desire for sex?

[Manatee 4]

So Manatee does that mean that most people's desire for WLS is driven by their desire for sex?

Ya know, I don't buy the whole "I get wls for health reasons only" statement I see a lot. I think that the vanity thing really plays into it too, and will fully admit in my case vanity drove my decision.

That said, I don't think most people consciously think of it that way. However, the end result tends to bring the physical element back to the forefront if it's been suppressed.

[Nanook 2]

Well you're one of the first honest people here, lol, because you know very few will admit to it and naturally it's why I lost 100 pounds twice in my life(in my 20s) but now I'm at the point where the lap band didn't work like I thought it would, does it mean I need to kill myself no, I'll just go on as is and it's not the end of the world. I'm tired of struggling and focusing on being thin all the time, it's not worth it anymore to me! Good luck to you, Nancy.

Edited August 20, 2008 by Nanook

[thatDEgirl 1]

I can't weigh in with any real advice since we are in the beginning for me but my surgeon did warn me that the divorce rate after WLS is very high. In his practice it is 99%...he now urges marital counseling for all his patients before and after surgery.

[plain 12]

WTF?!? Seriously 99%?

[MacMadame 81]

Sounds like one of those 67.3% of all stats are made up stats.

[thatDEgirl 1]

Sounds like one of those 67.3% of all stats are made up stats.

Well, I suppose it could be but my dr is a straight shooter and was very concerned about it. I'd say half of my first consult was us talking about our marriage, expectations with the surgery, etc.

I think it is high in this area not only because of the WLS but this is also a very large military area. Long deployments wreak havoc on marriages alone.

[betrthnever 107]

Manatee, I'll have to read your site when I get home can't do it here at work (work has it blocked) but it sounds VERY interesting.

DH & I have friends who were business owners, alcoholics & out of shape (suppose that would be a given with the alcohol). They both went through AA & saved their marriage. Couple of years later she found out she had breast cancer & so decided to change her way of living to save her life by becoming at first a vegetarian & then later a vegan. She lost 20 pounds & now plays soccer 4x a week +, sometimes several times a day. She's in great shape. For years her husband, tho, didn't go along with her eating program. I started to wonder if their differences in lifestyles was going to cause problems. Slowly he came around, started to adapt a vegetarian way of eating & is now much thinner & playing soccer too. The kicker is through all of this they are still together & by all appearances, happy

SO why is this relevant to my question? IMO we, as individuals in a marriage, still need to make decisions for ourselves for our own growth no matter that we are married. Sometimes our decisions have a negative effect on our marriages. Our friends priority was their relationship. They tell us that if they hadn't gone through AA they wouldn't be together. But they were able to stay together even tho they were on their own paths of growth.