female only When is the right time for divorce?

[juliegeraci 7]

I've been having trouble in my marriage for about 4 years. I love my husband dearly but I don't have a real love connection with him. They say you can stay married if you are just friends, but it is very painful for me because I can't get to that level I want to. I don't want to make love anymore. It feels like I am kissing my brother. I have one teenager by a previous marriage who lives with us. I also have a 7 year old. My husband is a less that perfect father. He is a screamer and has difficulty disciplining the children. It really affects me. We have been in marriage counseling before and even did a Marriage Encounter retreat last year through the Catholic Church. I did have an affair 3 years ago so that too affected my marriage. My husband is a goof man its just that magically soulful connection is what I want. Am I dreaming or what? It is so painful for me because he is such a hard worker.

[Nanook 2]

Have you been in therapy by yourself to discuss these issues? It might help you with making the next step and getting in touch with the "you" part of the relationship and other relationships you've had and may have in the future. Good luck, I know it's painful, Nancy.

[Carrie_C 9]

I understand how you feel. I have been asking myself the same question. I love my husband too, but I'm not in love.

[juliegeraci 7]

Therapy for myself might be a good idea. Its hard too because I still have feelings for the other man even though we can't be together. I went to confession during my marriage encounter weekend and the priest was so kind to me. he must hear this every day . He suggested that I meet with a priest at my local church too.

[Nanook 2]

I grew up Catholic and I suppose if the priest has training in that area that's good but I'd try to find someone just for yourself. It's not an easy thing and in my family and my husband's family I've seen many who have been in multiple marriages, 3 marriages so far is the top number and divorced after the third and it's more common than you'd think.

It seems like unless you can get to where you're happy with yourself you may not choose the right person for yourself and keep repeating the same things that got you where your are in the first place. Plus as you know with this major change in your physical body comes changes in your head which is something that therapy might be beneficial for also. I may not be in the same place you are now but have dropped over 100 pounds twice in my life and gained it back and know how this has affected me mentally too. Good luck, Nancy.

[juliegeraci 7]

Thanks Nancy. I had a long discussion with a friend of mine today about how unhealthy my husband is compared to me and how it has affected our relationship. I work for a company that has great mental health benefits. I will call them tomorrow to get with a good therapist. I am not the same person I was 10 years agoi when I was married. The infidelity was just a small part of what has been going on for quite a few years. My 16 year old son yesterday told me my husband should have never been a father because he is so verbally abusive. He doesn't treat me that way, just the kids. It is the way he was raised. To scream, yell and swear at the kids. I will keep you all informed. Please keep the emails coming.

[Nanook 2]

I think that would bother me more about the kids than with myself good luck and let me know how things go, Nancy.

[juliegeraci 7]

Hi Nancy, it is really bad. I woke up this a.m. at 7a.m. having him yelling the f* word left and right to my 7 year old. This is going to stop soon. It is not healthy.

[plain 12]

Hi Juli, I'm Plain......a guy.....and I'm a butt-inski that frequently puts my nose into the powder room where it doesn't belong.

It seems to me that there are 2 very seperate issues at play here. The whole "I love him but I'm not in love with him" thing can be very misleading. I think sometimes the feeling of being "in love" is confused with the "newness" feeling of a relationship. Tricky to navigate.

The issue of abuse (verbal or otherwise) is a totally different issue. Nobody should have to live with abuse, especially not impressionable children.

I'm a Christian too...but I don't think I could recommend faith-based counciling exclusively (just my opinion).

Have you asked him how he feels about all this? I would deduce that he probably loves you to stay with you post-infidelity (uh, assuming he knew, I guess). Men , as I'm sure you are well aware, tend to be extremely reluctant to relate their feelings / emotions.

I don't really have any practical advice for ya, but I'm pulling for you! Good luck.

[juliegeraci 7]

Thanks for the input. My husband has my name tatootted all over his body if you know what I mean. He is great if I was 80 and needed my diaper changed. As far as romantic love we have some serious sex issues. He has errectial dysfunction and needs to be on meds to last more than 1 minute. This is of huge concern of mine because I am very sexual. The affair didn't help with this matter of course. The kids will be okay but I need hin to change, I just am not sure what to do other than therapy. I told my family today what was going on so that is good. i am mostly concerned about my older son who has dabbked in drugs. I meet his new counselor on Friday, My continued committment are my kids and my sobriety first (alcoholism) coupled with some individual therapy and marriage counseling, This is a huge breaking point for me. I almost left my husband 3 years ago so it is startng all over agai but I am much more serious this time.