Dating after weight loss

[josygirl 0]

I've lost 101 pounds since my banding 8 months ago. The other day my doc suggested I go to this class on how to meet people, why men and women are different etc. She thought i was ready for it physically.

At first I thought, wow, wouldn't it be great to meet someone. I've never had anyone really special in my life and I'm 40 years old. I let my mind wander and have little daydreams. Everytime I went somewhere I imagined being there with someone else.

Then after one week I've just freaked out. The reality of meeting someone set in. How do I explain the port? I feel like such a freak. I've still got weight to lose - about another 25 pounds. My thighs are awful and stretched. I know they say you shouldn't get naked with someone unless you love them and if they love you it wouldn't matter. But, how does someone even begin to love you if you won't let them know anything about you? I've been bingeing this week just thinking about it. I feel really sad,:cry like I want to gain weight again so no-one has any expectations of me.

Can anyone relate to this?

[Laura H 0]

Congratulations on your weight loss and all that hard work!! I was married in my 20's - not a happy marriage - and divorced after almost 20 years. I'd been through lots of hard stuff and thought I'd probably never marry again. But I found the sweetest, most supportive man ... and we've been married almost seven years, very happily. I'm about 100 pounds overweight (I'm getting banded July 1) and he's supportive of my decision to have the surgery (but he says he loves me just the way I am).

I'm betting you'll find a great man - I discovered there ARE some out there - who won't think you're a freak but WILL think you're a strong person who has worked hard to accomplish your goals. So go to that class ... and don't forget to congratulate yourself for all you've done!

[Chicagoboy 0]

First relax let your mind and self image catch up with your new body. Then when your feeling better go out and make some male friends and let yourself feel what ever it is you will feel.

Does this make sense?

[MeganA 35]

josygirl-

Wow, you have done fantastic! You should be very proud of yourself and all that you've accomplished.

Dating is a scary, scary place. It opens us up to being hurt in many ways. But it also opens us up to experiences we would never have had if we don't allow strangers into our lives and test them out to see how they "fit".

I've been dating a lot lately- mostly guys from match.com. It seems like the ones I don't feel chemistry for like me, and the ones I think are the cat's meow are like "I just didn't feel anything". But for me, it's all practice and preperation for the day when I do meet the right guy. It's also a heck of a lot of fun to meet new people and be out with a man that buys me a drink or two.

Have you thought about talking to a counselor about some of these issues? I believe dating takes a lot of confidence, resilience, and patience. It also takes the ability - when you do get hurt- to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and try again.

If I were you, I might try getting a new haircut, buy some new clothes...start to think of yourself as sexy. Sure, your thighs might sag but I would bet money that your skin is radiant, your face glows, and your new body looks killer in the right clothes. Focus on the positives with your new body, get to know it and how you feel in it.

Dating is not all about what size you are or aren't. I dated even at my heaviest. If you feel pretty and sexy, then that is how you will act. That doesn't mean that you can't be shy and go slow...you've got many years of feeling pretty alone to carry with you on your journey and that won't be easy to shake. My hunch is that once you get out there a little- start small- join a club or organization with male's included, you'll start to open up and even surprise yourself.

You're going to do just fine. The fact that you want this badly enough is a sign that you are ready to take the first steps.

Favorite quote-

Leap and the net will appear.

Keep us posted!!!

Megan

[Jonathan 5]

Let me offer the guy perspective. (Everyone forget that I'm a pastor now, for the sake of this discussion... I *used* to be human )

When you wear the right clothes, I'm sure nothing looks out of place. I've seen a .. couple .. of naked women in my life. Nobody looks like the girls of Playboy or any other magazine using the magic of air brushes. (Not that I've ever seen a Playboy... ) I played football and wrestled in highschool and college, which means I've spent some time in lockerrooms with guys too. Never once did I ever hear someone say "She looked great in clothes, but when I got her naked in my room, she just didn't do it for me."

You are, clearly, scared. food, for most of us, has been a comfort to us. We need lots of comfort, so we ate a lot. Voila, here we all are. I'm sure that's why you're craving food, and thinking the thoughts that you have been thinking. And there's nothing wrong with that -- it is a scary thing, and fear is something we were created with so that we'd stay away from things that can hurt us -- a neccessary survival skill. As we grow and mature, we learn (and forget and relearn) what can really hurt us, and what won't really hurt us.

I'm a firm believer in therapy, and from the situation as you've described it, this might be a really good time for you to sit down and talk with someone for a few sessions, just so you can really get in touch with what you're feeling, and what you're *really* afraid of. Then you can, with both your mind AND your heart, figure out what's safe for you to do.

Again, just to reinforce this concept -- don't give us guys too much credit. As deeply loving and tender as we are capable of being, once we're in the bedroom and the clothes come off, we tend to be a little one-track-minded

You've done an awesome job. Keep up the good work.

Jonathan

[Chicagoboy 0]

My advice would be to jiggy with it. lol

OK I really think you need to relax and take this slow..

There are some good books out there on this subject check around and read up first.

[Guest Shelley W]

It was your last sentence that got me where it hurts "I want to gain weight so that no one will have any expectations of me" Thats exactly what I can't seem to get over. We spend our whole lives hiding behind the fat and if it goes what the hell are we left with?

I am still considering banding but I can't seem to take that final step - because I'm too damn scared of a slim future. It is what I want so why on earth is it so hard????? I feel safe fat - but I've recently split from my husband and the thought of dating is extremely exciting but also hugely frightening - certainly not something I feel able to do at my current weight. Its just that losing the weight now after spending so many years stuck at home, refusing to out with my husband, and then getting slim once we've split is like a kick in teeth for him. I feel like I've wasted his time (does that make any sense? - it does to me)

This morning I went for my first visit to an eating disorders counsellor and she's advised me to wait for the band - a big part of me wants to kick and scream and say "I want it now..." but the thought of it being FOR EVER is really screwing with my mind.

I feel I could ramble for ages and I have never vented my feelings before really - so I want to say thankyou to whoever first thought of this site and to all of the people on it for making things just a little bit easier xxhttp://tickers.TickerFactory.com/ezt/d/3;10719;102;0;1/c/295/t/150/s/295/k/04f3/weight.png

[josygirl 0]

Thanks so much for the amazing messages. I feel a little glimmer of hope that I can do this.

Admitting all my fears to a counsellor seems just as scary as dating ! lol. To go in there and say "well I hate this, and I hate this". Talk about making yourself vulnerable.

It would be so much easier to turn off all the thoughts and just ignore the desire to be with someone like I always have. Thats what I've done in the past, whenever my mind goes down this track I get scared and just turn those wants and needs off. Gee, I wonder why I got so fat??

I guess in my heart I believe there are some great guys out there who are decent and loving. And I want to believe that they could like me. I know i'm a good, caring person who has lots of love to offer. I'm just having trouble getting past the physical stuff.

[Zoe 6]

Great thread, Josy! You are brave to confront your feelings. American society being what it is, a lot of large people have entire areas of their lives closed off to them because they are deemed unworthy of sex or love. The worst part is, we start to believe it ourselves.

Jack, I think this is the first time someone has quoted Kant on LBT! If you start citing Critique of Pure Reason I'm going to start worrying about you.

It's just that losing the weight now after spending so many years stuck at home, refusing to out with my husband, and then getting slim once we've split is like a kick in teeth for him. I feel like I've wasted his time.

Shelley, the band is for YOU and your health. What's past is past, including whatever you did or didn't do with your husband. How have you wasted his time? He is a grown-up and made his own choices. Now you're considering a new choice for yourself: a tool to heal and improve your body. Hey, if after you've lost weight you are such a stunning fox that you make your ex-husband kick himself for losing you, fantastic -- but it's really about getting healthy and getting another chance at life. We all have some fear of change. But if you hang around here for a while, you'll find that most bandsters were even more afraid of NOT changing, and that's why we opted for surgery.

Sorry for all the pop-psych platitudes -- I guess I'm in ass-kicking mode. I'm about to meet an old friend who hasn't seen me since 60 pounds ago.

[Mr Tink 0]

From a Single Males viewpoint

If you want to start datign don't cut your hair. Men like long hair.< /p>

Men are afraid to get married as they are afraid that after they get married his wife will cut her hair

Hair is a major secodary sexual charastic.

Men most men love and crave Long hair.

Hookers with long hair make 5 times a much as hookers with short hair.

Men are more intrested in your hair than a few wrinkles.

Turn off all the lights and draw the curtins he will never see you in the buff.

SANTA

[thechatrooper 0]

LMAO- It seems as if Santa has a long hair fetish!

[pati-o 6]

FIRST let me say that phooey on the long hair thing. That is an individualized opinion. Like saying- "bleach it blonde, all guys like blonde hair and not brown".

I've had long hair (down to the bra strap length) and short hair ( just below the nape of my neck). The long hair didn't do it for me. The day I got my hair cut, I felt like a new woman. I got compliments from so many people that it was embarrassing!I'll NEVER grow it out again. If I was asked what one of my sexiest features was, I'd say my hair. And my hubby is the first one who will tell you that he likes my hair, he encouraged me to have it cut!

For some men their "thing" is hair, some like boobs and some like butts (of course there are the unusual ones who like feet and other ummm, let's say unusual- things. (Thank GOD my man is a butt man!!, cause I've got plenty of that)

Ask your stylist what he/she thinks would look best with the shape of your face, your hair texture and color and most important of all, what you'd feel comfortable with. There's nothing worse then seeing a woman with long scraggly fine limp hair, or one with so much fuzz that she looks like an old dust mop. EWWW!

I agree wholeheartedly with everyone else on the counseling advice. I have made my own appt. with a family counselor. I have the opinion that if your car needs a tune-up and you don't know how to do it, see the nearest mechanic. The same thing goes for my mental well being- Since I don't know how to fix it and have it exactly or as close to how I want it- I'm going to have someone else "take a looksie" and see what they can advise.

[Guest leahlotz]

Im gonna have to agree with Santa on the hair thing. I would bet all my money that the an overwhelming majority of men prefer a women with long hair. Watch any reality show, the chick with the long hair is always the one all the guys are after.... Leah:)

["Nita 0]

I just want to say, you can do this!!! You have overcome so much and empowered yourself to make major changes in your life. You should feel empowered now and proud of yourself. start there and really think about how much you have accomplished.

As strange as this sounds to any of us. size has little or nothing to do with self-confidence and sexiness. (neither does hair) I have known dozens of thin (some who had incredible bodies) who were so insecure and afraid for anyone to see what in their minds were imperfections. This is true no matter the length of their hair. So whether you lost 100 lbs and are worried about sagging or you only weigh 100 lbs and are worried about a birthmark or scar, insecurities are in our own heads. If you feel beautiul and sexy and carry yourself as such, you will be seen that way. The long hair is only sexy if the woman feels sexy and flips it around in a sexy way. The short hair is equally sexy if the woman feels sexy and acts sexy!!!

You are a beautiful sensual woman who is strong and capable!!!! You can do this!!!!!

[giveyouthemoon 4]

Admitting all my fears to a counsellor seems just as scary as dating ! lol. To go in there and say "well I hate this, and I hate this". Talk about making yourself vulnerable.

Sweetie, here's the thing about counseling...yeah, it's a little strange to sit there and talk about yourself. But what I good therapist does is to give you tools to use when you get into a situation like "I'm so freaked I want to eat". A good therapist will help you ease into a situation and how to handle it once you are there.

It sounds to me like you've got some deep seated intimacy issues that go beyond the size of your body. The body size was just a symptom. I can't encourage you ENOUGH to get some help! It takes a VERY strong person to put out their hand and ask for help.

YOU are that strong person.

You'll know when you are ready for dating. For now, hold your head high and be proud of yourself. Worry about how YOU feel and the rest will fall into line.