To Tell or Not to Tell

[lsanderson 0]

I've been going through the process and am nearing the end, I have insurance approval all the referrals etc. just not a date yet. I've told my parents that I'm getting WLS and my husband is wonderfully supportive but I haven't told my children yet. I can't decide what to tell them, when to tell them or even if I should. They are 9 and almost 12. I think one of the reasons I haven't told them is because I don't want them telling their dad (my ex-husband). He's extremely judgemental and sometimes passes those judgements onto my children. But I'll have to tell them something because I will be recovering, taking time off work and making a lot of lifestyle changes. A HUGE part of me wants to tell them because I actually think they would be very supportive but I keep going back and forth over it because I also don't want to scare them at all.

So has anyone out there had similar feelings about telling their children or other family members and how did you overcome it? How did they react? Any tips to pass along????

[Melody2006 1]

I see why you don't want to tell them. I'd keep the surgery part vague, and I'd tell them Mom is trying to get healthy. The food, exercise, etc only has to point to you wanting to have a healthy lifestyle. For the reason you stated I wouldn't tell them you were having lapband. I'd say check up, or something along those lines.

I told some co-workers I was having it done and now I wish I didn't. I feel pressure to loose weight and have visible results before I go back to work in a week (I took a month off because I have a physical labor job).

[lsanderson 0]

Thank you for the good advice! I'm struggling with the whole co-worker thing as well myself. I want this so badly for myself and my quality of life that I'm very fearful of judgement throwing me off track. I am very lucky that my husband is on board with this 110%. I should just focus on that, give my kids the "fluffy basics" and not worry about everyone else.

[dietpeach 0]

Actually this reminds me of a very funny story. Your kids are older so it's not such an issue for you, but my kids are all 7 and under, so I will NOT be telling them at this time, and my story will illustrate why: kids this age just can't keep a secret.

So, we had a 6 or 7 year old girl over for a play date, and I gave the kids pizza and soda for a treat. The girl seemed very excited, so I asked if they ever had pizza and soda at home. So she told me, "We used to have pizza and soda and french fries and ice cream, but then my Mommy had a surgery so we don't have those things in our house anymore."

It was all I could do not to laugh! Of course I never let on to the mother what I know, but the evil side of me is tempted to just flat-out ask her one day, "So which surgery did you have, the lap band or the gastric bypass?" (Don't worry, I'm not THAT evil!) Her mother is a bit heavy but not too heavy - I have no idea what she used to look like.

Anyway, I find this story very amusing - and it's a good reminder NOT to tell my little ones until they're older. :biggrin2:

Edited August 8, 2008 by snapplegirl
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[lessme 0]

I totally agree with what Melody said. I told some friends and I wish I had not. It is their expectations that are really hard to deal with. I had the surgery June 21st and have really only lost maybe 2 lbs. I dread seeing these friends because even though they don't say it I'm sure they are thinking why hasn't she lost weight yet. I also agree that you can be very general with the kids just saying you are getting healthy. I really liked what someone else said on the forums that it is better to wait to see if anyone asks you if you have lost weight and then decide if you wish to tell them. It has been my experience that many people are jealous, envious or just plain mean spirited about you getting better or doing something good for yourself when they are used to you doing for other people. I am really so glad I did this for myself!!

[lsanderson 0]

Thank you everyone for sharing, it has really helped.

I actually have a funny story from just last night that sort of prompted me to post my original question. I took my son, the 9 year old, to get his haircut. We were waiting for his turn and he was kind of looking at me funny so I finally askey "Why are you looking at me like that" and he said "Just lookin' at your big 'ole flubby arms" I wanted to cry, I wanted to laugh, I wanted to ground him and everything in between but I ended up saying nothing and just stared at him. He shrugged and said "just being honest and keepin' it real mommy" Then of course I laughed and did tell him that "yes, mommy's arms aren't all that great" and then proceeded to talk about how to say things respectfully or sometimes it's better to just not say those kinds of things to people.

[notateechanow 7]

I've chosen not to tell anyone, aside from my live-in BF and one or two close guy friends. Why? Because, for one reason or another, I feel like my guy friends are far less judgmental. I also chose not to tell my mother, father, and brother, so I worried about telling my best friend. I was worried she might say something with them around. I've been more likely to tell people I know superficially because I don't care what they think--my masseuse, a woman I know from work, etc....My mother's mother passed away right in the middle of my being approved from insurance, and the surgery was a week after her funeral. I decided I couldn't tell her about the surgery at all, until after the fact...but because of that, I couldn't tell other family members, either. I lied and said I had to repair a hiatial hernia. I read about it online and the recovery is similar. It also excused me from eating solids, etc. As far as the weightloss goes, I exercise so frequently that no one thinks anything of it. If anyone is suspicious, no one has had the audacity to come right out and tell me.

I do feel badly, because I don't want to be a liar. However, when I chose not to tell my family, I couldn't risk telling anyone else. That kind of betrayal would be far worse. I did this by myself, for myself. It was a very personal decision and I'm not sure I would do things differently. I feel guilty with my best friend as she has asked me a few times lately if everything is ok...I don't seem like myself. Well, to be honest, eating with her is pretty stressful! I push food around the plate and try to eat as much as I can without seeming like I'm avoiding it. I'm worried I'll get stuck and won't be able to explain. I've been avoiding eating situations with her, which is hard..because I now realize that's about all we ever did/do together. Give me a few more sizes and we can shop together, too!

It's such a personal decision you need to make. I certainly understand not wanting your ex to know, but you can tell the kids without being specific. I told my boss I was having "minor" surgery and would be out for a few days. Because I'm usually pretty forward, he asked if everything was ok...and I told him, "Yes, after surgery, things will be great!" He knew enough not to ask for further details. I think many people just assumed I had female issues and didn't ask.... Do what you need to do for yourself. Ask your husband for his suggestions....if he's supportive, then he's probably thought about this, too! Good luck! I hope it all works out well for you. :tt2:

[dietpeach 0]

Thank you everyone for sharing, it has really helped.

I actually have a funny story from just last night that sort of prompted me to post my original question. I took my son, the 9 year old, to get his haircut. We were waiting for his turn and he was kind of looking at me funny so I finally askey "Why are you looking at me like that" and he said "Just lookin' at your big 'ole flubby arms" I wanted to cry, I wanted to laugh, I wanted to ground him and everything in between but I ended up saying nothing and just stared at him. He shrugged and said "just being honest and keepin' it real mommy" Then of course I laughed and did tell him that "yes, mommy's arms aren't all that great" and then proceeded to talk about how to say things respectfully or sometimes it's better to just not say those kinds of things to people.

I think you handled this beautifully, but I know that I would have felt every feeling you felt or more, but you really did handle yourself nicely. I think your son will learn more about sensitivity from seeing you hurt but hearing your calm explanation, rather than if you had scolded him or gotten angry. But boy, that must have stung...

I know it stung me to no end when my son's classmate kept telling my son his mother (me) is fat. The worst part is, that boy's mother is at least 80 to 100 pounds overweight herself! So who is he to talk?

[dietpeach 0]

luv2teech, you don't need to feel guilty at ALL for keeping this a secret. It's not something everyone understands - if they were in your shoes, they would understand, but since they're not, they might say insensitive things and judge you. You don't need that. Everyone's entitled to keep private things private.

If you don't want to eat with your friend, then next time she asks, tell her that you're really watching your weight and trying to focus your life less on eating, and more on doing things. Then offer her some alternative to eating out. If she insists on eating out, or if you want to, order band friendly foods. I'm not banded myself yet, but think of healthy things that would go down easily and not get stuck. For example, vegetable Soup with soft mushy vegetables - and just explain you're trying to eat healthy. Eat it very slowly, and don't finish if you're afraid it will fill you up before the entrée and she'll suspect something.

Then get a main dish that's easy to chew and swallow and mushyish - I heard that dark chicken in a sauce goes down. Or maybe mashed potatoes? Or maybe get a tuna platter? I don't know what exactly, not being banded and not knowing what type of restaurant you normally eat in, but try to find something mushy and healthy.

Anyway, you sound very sweet and considerate of others, but in this instance - you come first. :tt2:

[notateechanow 7]

For example, vegetable Soup with soft mushy vegetables - and just explain you're trying to eat healthy. Eat it very slowly, and don't finish if you're afraid it will fill you up before the entrée and she'll suspect something.

Then get a main dish that's easy to chew and swallow and mushyish - I heard that dark chicken in a sauce goes down. Or maybe mashed potatoes? Or maybe get a tuna platter? I don't know what exactly, not being banded and not knowing what type of restaurant you normally eat in, but try to find something mushy and healthy.

Snapple,

Thanks for the encouragement. I've been going through a bit of a struggle that has prevented me from eating just about anything solid for a couple of weeks, off and on. The problem is, I never know what will and won't go down...when it will, and when it won't. Some foods go easily for lunch then I can't eat dinner. I have meticulously journaled my diet but we've yet to figure out any consistencies. I'm working on it. I've had an unfill, but because it's so temperamental, I'm still hesitant. I guess it's like Pavolv's dog...I see food and I start to dread eating the minute I see it! Of course, as all banders know...ICECREAM will always work. Bad habit to make...I do appreciate your encouragement! Thanks! :tt2:

[workinamy 0]

My husband approved of the surgery in the very beginning of the process. I told my family, but only after I had a scheduled surgery date. They were very good with the idea. I didn't tell my co-workers until after the fact, and then only a couple of them; I only said I was having elective surgery, and I was back to work on the Monday after my Thursday surgery. Now pretty much everyone knows, and I try to only talk about if someone asks. I am fortunate enough to not have any "food pushers" in my life. However, my daughter is 10 and I could not have kept it from her, she's way too observant. I only gave her details as she asked about them and I was very honest.

[restored4ever 0]

My surgery date is 9/2/08. I have told two of my kids, ages 10 and 18. They are now both very supportive, but my 10 year old had some problems with it at first. He was afraid for my health and thought I was taking too much risk (he is a very smart kid). He had a few bad dreams after I told him what I was planning on doing. I had to spend a lot of time educating him about the procedure and explaining why I thought it was healthier for me to have the surgery than not to have it. He thought about it for a week or so and then told me that he had been praying a lot for me. I took him to one of my 4 hour nutrional meetings at the hospital and he learned more than I did. After the meeting, he told me that was "going to do this with me." He meant he was going to be supportive and follow my post surgery eating plan. (He doesn't have a weight problem, but just wants to be supportive). To my surprise, tonight he told me that he was very proud of me! I feel so blessed. After all that, if you decided to tell your children, be sure to educate them.

[NYCFun 0]

i've decided to keep the surgery on a need to know basis. when i was first thinking about it, i shared the idea with a friend who's a doctor. her response "girl, just put the fork down and move some more. you're really not that big." when i told her how much i weighed she said "you're cute and curvy, you can handle that weight." that conversation ended shortly thereafter.

in my family, i've told my mother, sister and cousin. not that i think other family members will be judgemental....i just don't care to have them in my business right now.

since i have to routinely take time off from work for PCP and surgeon appointments, i told my manager and my director. they are very supportive. there's another woman in my group who had a RNY , so she's a resource as well.

after i'm banded, i think i'll be the same way and tell only when i have to (i.e. at grandmother's house for the holiday...she's a real food pusher and nothing short of "I've had surgical intervention to help me lose the weight" will make her back off )

[Miss Undastood 0]

The only people that know is my family. The only non-supportive person is my older sister who also has a weight problem. She's mad that im taking the steps to lose weight. She wants me to stay big just like her for the rest of my life. So I decided..

Im also going to keep this surgery to myself. I go to school and where I go, the girls are horrible. Never mind boys. But females in general have a certain rudeness and cattyness that goes along with gossip and rumors.

I know that this is exactly what will happen if I tell people anbout the surgery. They will go around spreadung it and making up all kinds of stupid stuff about me.

Another reason I refuse to tell people in school is because they won't be supportive. These girls arw the type to get upset if you look better than they do. They can't handle it and even though they will notice as I lose weight, they don't need to know that I did surgery.

If someone is just plain tactless/nosy and ask why I am losing so much weight...i'll say:because I want to get healthy. If they how I am going to lose the weight I'll say: by exercising and eating less/better.

None of these are lies so I feel comfortable saying this. Just make sure you close the loopholes. Some people may ask why do I care what other people think or say. My answer is that I have been throught enough stress and tears before surgery. Enough pain just after surgery and I don't need either from negative people.

This is our time to make a difference and shine and we WILL!!

I wish everyone luck with their decisions and their surgery.