Feeling like a Fraud

[Careypea 0]

I was banded on 7/31. I finally made up my mind to get the lap band, and called up my surgeon and made the appointment for the surgery…two weeks. I pigged out for almost a week. Then in the last week before surgery, I lost 10 lbs. I am going on vacation in like 2 days, and everyone was trying to talk me out of the surgery because of vacation, but I knew that if I didn’t do it then, under pressure, I would never do it. I would never stick to the pre op diet.

Well here I am banded one week (no I have not cheated! J) and I just feel like a fraud next to all of you. I mean, I read you guys *gasp* ate a regualar chocolate pudding instead of a sugar free on accident! *cry* And I am sitting here at home watching tv, and an Arby’s commercial comes on and I want to cry because I might never eat a Beef n Cheddar again…then I console myself with the thought that I can still eat a couple poppers!

I really do want to succeed, but I do have to say I think it is kind of silly for people being excited that they can’t get down Water, or can only eat ½ cup of food. I want a NORMAL relationship with food. I want to be able to eat anything, but in moderation. I really would like to do something along the lines of Body for Life. Small portions of protein/veggie/carb and have a cheat day once a week where I can have my poppers or a Sundae.

But at the moment, I am SERIOUSY mourning food. I even dream about it every night! I was dreaming last night that I was two days post op calling the surgeon because I ate a whole cheeseburger! I really don’t want my life to revolve around food. Everyone keeps asking me if I am excited, especially because I have lost almost 20lbs so far, but honestly, I am not excited. I am scared sh@#$less!

I am totally scared, I don’t know what to do. I am mourning. I am hopeful but scared of it at the same time. I want to succeed, but I am scared to want it because of being a failure for so long.

Does anyone else feel that way? Did you feel that way when you were one week post op, but now are different?

Carey

[Melisa1 0]

Take a deep breath and calm down sweetie!! You will be fine. Remember and tell yourself why and for what reasons you had this done. You will "in time" have a more normal relationship with food. Everything in time! Enjoy what foods you are eating right now and live in the moment. Dont think ahead. Thats what i do ad it does nothing for me! I havent been banded yet but i will be soon and i know what im up against. It will be hard and i know im sure i will feel the same way...but listen...keep your chin up and think of how you will look in 3 months. And you WILL be able to eat more. Its hard right now. Try to find a support group! VERY IMORTANT!!! VERY! You need support! are you married? Kids? friends? Reach out and talk about it .....I promise you will be ok though its just tough right now.:w00t: My prayers and wishes are with you!! Keep up the good work! You are doing great. Make sure you sip on Water so you stay hydrated!! Keep in touch!! Im in the pigging out stage. lol

[Careypea 0]

I swear I feel like I have the devil/angel on my shoulders. This is my dialog...in my head.

"this is going to be great! In a few weeks I can wake up and have some oatmeal, then for lunch I can have a lean cuisine, and for dinner I can have the meat/veggie portion of whatever I am making....great...great...good...good...not so good...okay when i go back on solids I am going to have some chicken nuggets from wendy's...no..no...eating good! this is great! Maybe Low carb? No weightwatchers style! You know what??? I am not going to worry about it. I am going to eat Breakfast, like oatmeal! then maybe a LC and then whatever I am making for my family for dinner...Poppers sound so wonderful!...no no..."

It is ridiculous! I am going to go to overeaters anonymous (sp?). There is one by my house. I don't know if others who have succeeded have felt this way, or if I am just more vocal about my shortcomings...:eek:

I do appreciate this site though, I feel better being able to vent about how I feel to someone who can understand (hubby is a tall toothpick!).

Good luck on your pre op! You can do eet!:w00t:

[dsylvr 0]

Oh my gosh! You hit my nail on the head. I have days like that. I was banded on 7-11. I sometimes think, maybe I should have just become bulimic so I can eat whatever I want. Is that crazy or what? Today was one of those days and I stopped McD's and got a Quarter Pounder with no cheese. I didn't eat the bun. But I still feel like a failer. I am still waiting for my first fill and I hope that will help. I can't even watch the food Network anymore. Then there is the pressure from family. Everytime I talk to my Mother she is like "have you lost anymore weight". I finally told her I threw the scale out and will only weight when I go to the Dr.. And I am not going to tell her when I have an appointment. Geez, it hasn't even been a month. Pheww! Thanks, I feel better now.

[Melisa1 0]

lol...i know...just remember...one day at a time...we can all do this. Yeah if you are able to eat alot of food at once you might want a fill. IT will help. Remember that when we are restricted like this we need to make every bite count with foods that are good for us. Its ok to have a burger once in a while but we are trying to change our lifestyle. This band is only a tool. We need to use it to our advantage to get the weight off for good!!!

[Lanakila 1]

I hope that this won't sound too harsh, but I think that you need to have a serious conversation with yourself. It sounds like you are feeling deprived and that causes "head hunger". If you cannot work around it yourself, you really need to find a lapband support group or at least one that is specific to WLS. I do not recommend OA at this point because you need to have counsel with people who will understand your specific situation.

A fill will help, but the choices that you "plan" to make are not going to be ok even when you "can" eat those foods. If you don't get enough support from the local support group, make an appointment with a mental health professional who specializes in weightloss. They work wonders and can get down to the nitty-gritty with you about how you can work through mourning the loss of food. It's natural, and it sucks!

[Nologoz 18]

I really do want to succeed, but I do have to say I think it is kind of silly for people being excited that they can’t get down Water, or can only eat ½ cup of food. I want a NORMAL relationship with food. I want to be able to eat anything, but in moderation. I really would like to do something along the lines of Body for Life. Small portions of protein/veggie/carb and have a cheat day once a week where I can have my poppers or a Sundae.

But at the moment, I am SERIOUSY mourning food. I even dream about it every night! I was dreaming last night that I was two days post op calling the surgeon because I ate a whole cheeseburger! I really don’t want my life to revolve around food. Everyone keeps asking me if I am excited, especially because I have lost almost 20lbs so far, but honestly, I am not excited. I am scared sh@#!

I am totally scared, I don’t know what to do. I am mourning. I am hopeful but scared of it at the same time. I want to succeed, but I am scared to want it because of being a failure for so long.

Does anyone else feel that way? Did you feel that way when you were one week post op, but now are different?

Carey

Just a guess...But you are still in "Bandster Hell".

Let me put a few of your fears to rest.

I have been banded for four months. I am at my "sweet spot".

I have lost lots of weight.

I can eat basically everything I ate before I got banded. I have only gotten "stuck" on chewy chicken wings...and when I have eaten too quickly.

I sometimes miss not being able to eat more...but I feel full quickly...which is the whole point of being a bandster.

The only cravings that I have to worry about now are liquid calories.

I love my band. I can eat small portions of almost everything.

Today was one of those days and I stopped McD's and got a Quarter Pounder with no cheese. I didn't eat the bun. But I still feel like a failer. I am still waiting for my first fill and I hope that will help..

I have a QP without bun occasionaly. It's not the best thing you can eat, but I wouldn't call it a failure.

The first fill will probably help. Being a banster is all about finding your "sweet spot".

I hope that this won't sound too harsh, but I think that you need to have a serious conversation with yourself. It sounds like you are feeling deprived and that causes "head hunger"!

Hopefully it's not that serious. She is only one week post op. I was very emotional after surgery as well. I was frightened I'd feel like I was on a diet for the rest of my life. Instead the band just makes me feel full quickly.

.

[dixiedoo 0]

I so tortally understand the mourning. I am on liquid diet before banding on the 15th and last night realized that I was actually longing for food and worried that I wouldn't be able to enjoy it anymore. I kinda felt it was like smoking. I quit a year ago and when I am super stressed I have gone out and bought a pack to have with a coffee - (hidden in my car of course!) I have done this 3 times and each time have had 1-2 cigs and thrown everything out in disgust because it didn't soothe me the way it did before. It was disgusting but I long for the old feeling I used to get when smoking. I'm afraid this will happen with food. Sorry for the rambling, but does this make sense?

[Jodi_620 37]

You have not had any solid food for what, two or three weeks. It is perfectly normal for your mind to keep turning to those foods, especially in a world where we are surrounded by it--tv commercials , McDonalds on ever block...everyone is eating except you. While I was still on the post-op diet I was the same way as you are right now. I kept planning out what I was going to eat when I got on solids again. I wanted to cry when I would see a Papa John's or an Olive Garden commercial...I was tormented by a Long John Silvers commerical that played over and over again on TV and Radio (and I don't ever eat there, LOL). But when solids came, I ate the appropriate foods and was completely satisfied with just having real food. I am amazed at how satisfied I get on a small amount of healthy food. There really isn't anything that you have to completely deny yourself once you are on sold food. There may be some things that you can't tolerate but you will be able to have an occasional treat from your favorite restaraunt.

I still fear being a failure at this too, I also have failed to keep the weight off all my life and I just can't wrap my mind around the idea that I will be successful this time. I think you will be just fine, as someone else suggested-just take this one-day-at-a-time and soon you will see things looking up.

Edited August 7, 2008 by Jodi_620

[just1more 0]

I was banded on 7-21. I went threw the same thing. I dreamt about food. Drooled over commercials and the food network. We have always had dinner as a family, I cant sit at the table anymore and watch them eat. I make dinner and leave. I think, seeing how I'm new at this also, that its head hunger. Think about it, you cant eat but everyone else is. Or they are eating something that you want and at this time you cant have. I try to reasure myself that this is only for a few weeks out of my entire life. And what a life I'm going to have now! I look forward to doing things that I never got to do with my family.

I've had my moments though...Just yesterday I went to the store and bought two bags of chips. One for my family and one for me. (I was going to hide them in my spare room for "later".) Why? Old habbits! I hit my self in the forehead and put them in the pantry. :0)

[ShrinkyDink 0]

I know exactly how you feel. I debated for a long time over this because I also want that "normal" relationship with food. I want to be able to control whatever it is that makes me fat so I can eat what I want in reasonable portions and not have to worry about it. I finally came around to deciding that there is something in me that makes that normalcy impossible, and I can't have it without help. I'm handling it by focusing on the light at the end of the tunnel. The band will teach us how to have that normal relationship with food. The feeling of being full after a small amount of food will become second nature, and we WILL be able to eat naughty things we want in reasonable amounts and in balance with our more healthful diets. My brother had this surgery, and he was a huge eater. He now looks at the humongous plates served in restaurants and honestly can't imagine how people would be able to eat all that, his thinking has changed permanently, not just his stomach. He can order the same plate, eat his reasonable amount, feel satisfied and take the rest home without feeling deprived. I want that state of mind more than I want to be thin, and knowing it's coming will get me through all the rough spots.

[healthysue 0]

Carey,

I have to say i feel the same way. I think writing here and reading the different forums is like therapy in a way. We all want that cheeseburger. REALLY, but we can do this. Just think how good you are going to feel when you have energy to take a walk without your feet hurting you and being out of breath. Thats what I keep thinking about. You know I went to Disney 2weeks before my surgery and i felt like i had the S** kicked out of me. Just walking around Disney. There are going to be ups and downs that is to be expected, by the way i had my surgery on the same day. Boy yesterday i had a down day yesterday, i would have given anything for a slice of pizza. Stay Strong you can do this. PS i have not seen the scale move in 3 days. Thats ok but yesterday it just really got to me which i think is what lead me to want that pizza. Its going to be a long road, but through all of it we will grow and learn. Stay Strong.

Sue

[Melisa1 0]

HEY HEALTHYSUE~ How tall are you,....im getting banded probably within a couple months and i weigh the same as you. Im 5' 3.5". Im just praying the insurance covers me. But i have good insurance so...i will be praying.

[kgloverii 0]

Just wanted to share... I never went on the 'obsessive bandster diet' so my weight lose has been slow and steady. I eat what I want, in small portions. Since getting my band, I now crave HEALTHY foods, though. But, if I want the popper, I'll eat one, but not 10 like before. Once you get to a sweet spot, your relationship with food will begin to resolve. Cause you'll eat food that you want, but in healthy small portions. And you won't walk around craving all of the time. I don't stress about what I eat. I make wise choices, but if I choose a burger now and then, I don't fret. Cause it is a lifestyle CHANGE not a diet. We ALL have to remember that. I can honestly say since I have gotten the band, I have never ONCE felt 'deprived.'

[healthysue 0]

Hi Melisa,

I am 5 feet 4 inches. I had to have a 40 bmi to have my insurance cover the procedure. In the process of getting the testing done, (sleep test) they discovered that i had sleep apnea, i had to have a second sleep test done for the cpap machine. With that co-morbibity i could have had a bmi of 35 and my insurance would have covered. I have BC/BS insurance.

When were you hoping to have your band?

Sue