Need encouragement

[djw6171 0]

OK, so my journey started not too long ago and moved very fast. I am scheduled for 8/18 and had my pre-op class yesterday. Here is where I am struggling. My husband has decided he will have nothing to do with it. He will not take me to the hospital or pick me up. He does not want to talk about it or hear about it and I cannot expect any help from him with our three kids while I recover. He says I am lazy and have no discipline and I could just diet and exercise on my own.

I swore to myself I would do this for my own health but I am starting to wonder if it is worth it? My mom will take me and pick me up but I will have no one there when I wake up in recovery or for visiting that night. My mom will be the cell phone number the doctor calls in case of emergency. This just does not seem right.

Part of me says that HE is not worth it if he feels that way about me but I am not sure I want to test that theory.

Any advice would be helpful.:cool2:

[loveangelpet 0]

I wish I could say something to make you feel better. My husband was there every second and took care of me, as well as my children. My whole family helped. Maybe, try talking to him and see if he's feeling insecure. Maybe he thinks if you lose you're marriage wont be the same. Reassure him that you will be better making your' life better. I'm married 17 years, banded 8 months. MY LIFE IS BETTER BECAUSE I AM BETTER. And there are still days when I need alot of support from my husband. The band life isnt always easy. It works!!!!!! However, you have to change with your' body. Eating healthy, moving more, and feeling good. Good Luck to you. I hope your' husband decides to help out.

[To be free 1]

My husband was not very supportive and in fact "had buisness out of town" on my surgery day and the few days following.

I flew in my Mother to be with me, and fortunatly my boys are 13 and 14 so they can pretty much do for themselves and just need supervision.

I was considering hiring a nurse/nanny if it came down to it. I was doing this and nothing was going to stop me. If I didn't go through with it because someone didn't want me too I would never forgive myself.

He did end up driving in and visiting me afterall for about an hour... he did go to check and take care of our dogs.

Come to find out, he was scared and didn't know what to do or how to act if he saw the woman that was the primary caregiver and "strong one" sick so it was easier for him to distance himself.

You need to do what is best for you, but see if it is something like he just doesn't know how to act or is scared that something will happen to you.

Some men are great caretakers and some just feel helpless when they see someone they love sick.....

Don't give up so quick on him or the band...... look at it from his perspective.... he also may not want to admit that he feels helpless

[U_go_gurl68 0]

OK, so my journey started not too long ago and moved very fast. I am scheduled for 8/18 and had my pre-op class yesterday. Here is where I am struggling. My husband has decided he will have nothing to do with it. He will not take me to the hospital or pick me up. He does not want to talk about it or hear about it and I cannot expect any help from him with our three kids while I recover. He says I am lazy and have no discipline and I could just diet and exercise on my own.

I swore to myself I would do this for my own health but I am starting to wonder if it is worth it? My mom will take me and pick me up but I will have no one there when I wake up in recovery or for visiting that night. My mom will be the cell phone number the doctor calls in case of emergency. This just does not seem right.

Part of me says that HE is not worth it if he feels that way about me but I am not sure I want to test that theory.

Any advice would be helpful.:cool2:

I am sorry all this is stressing you out so close to your surgery, but it will all be ok in the end either way. You have to do what is best for you. I know that may be easier said than done, but in the long run you will be glad you went ahead with your surgery.

My fiance was all for me being banded until about a month before my surgery. He even offered to pay for it. I didn't know how strongly he objected to it until about a week out. I was supposed to have my surgery a month before I did, but when we were on the way to the pre-op appt with the surgeon, he had major issues with his car and we had to wait several weeks for him to get his car back. Since I was relying on him to pay for my surgery, I didn't think it was fair to ask him to come up with money for his car repairs and my surgery all at the same time. So I put my surgery off for awhile.

I guess that bought a little time and it made him happy for awhile because we didn't discuss anything related to surgery. After he got the car back, I went ahead and scheduled my pre-op appt. When I had mentioned it to him, he got upset and thought I had dropped that silly idea. He said pretty much the same things your husband said. He said I didn't need to have surgery and when I got upset he told me not to be getting mad at him just because I wasn't disciplined enough to exercise and diet. I didn't waver, I told him this is something I am doing for myself, like it or not.

He kept finding reasons for putting me off in regards to getting the money for my surgery, so exactly a week before, I went to the person that handles my 401k account at work and discussed my options with him. I was able to borrow the money for my surgery and in fact, had it in my account in less than two days. Imagine my fiance's surprise when I told him I had the money to pay for my surgery and didnt need him to worry about it any longer.:thumbup:

My surgery was going to be the last one for the day, so we didn't have to get up and leave too early (2 hour drive). After we were dressed and ready to leave he said he didn't think he could handle all of this and didn't want to be in our relationship anymore (6 yrs). I got angry for him doing that to me right before surgery but I stood my ground and told him I was sorry he felt that way, but I was still going with or without him. He thought he was going to intimidate me into not having my surgery, but it didn't work. He said he still wanted to drive me, because he had promised to be there with me through the surgery. We didn't talk the entire trip. Once I checked in, I told him he could leave, but he wouldn't. Before my surgery he just sat there teary eyed and didn't know what to say to me.

After surgery, he was totally different. He told me he didn't know what to say to me at that point and I told him I thought he said all he needed to and he just apologized to no end. I found out that not only was he jealous about me having surgery because he thought I would lose weight and leave him,he was worried and didn't want me suffering any pain. He had all these emotions bottled up inside and he didn't know how to express them to me, so he got angry with me. He has helped me and supported me ever since and he is glad I didn't just give up. He sees how happy I am with him and myself and now he believes it was all worth it. He also sees how hard all this is and commends me on my efforts to make this work. He didn't realize how many changes would take place and how it WASN'T that QUICK FIX.

I think your husband will come around. Just try to be patient and understanding with him. He probably has fears himself and doesn't know how to express them to you. You know what is best for you, but looking back on my situation, I wouldn't change anything. For me, this actually made my relationship closer.

I wish I was close to you, so I could be there to support you during your surgery. But if you need someone to talk to, I am here.

Sincerely,

Stephanie

Edited August 5, 2008 by smarquezrn

[agreatknead 1]

HI Deanna,

I see your aka is "supermom". As you go through this process try to remember you need to put yourself first even if only for a little while. Your husband might be afraid this is just what is going to happen and he is used to you being the "supermom" for him and the kids. You have gotten some great advice on the forum here so there is not much I can add except I went by myself to Mexico and had no one there for support. Yes, I could call my husband but he was a couple of thousand miles away and we just couldn't afford for both of us to make the trip and everything went fine. There is great support at these surgery centers and really caring people there to take care of you. Don't worry, things will shift. It's not nearly as hard as I though it would be. I had a flight of several hours the day after surgery and a 2 hr car ride and I had very little pain (only took 2 pain pill for the whole process) and was back to work the following day (and I'm 58) Just remember you need to do this for you and you will be fine.

Blessings,

Sally

[Lanakila 1]

Deanna, I'm so sorry to hear that you aren't receiving the support that you need and want from your hubby. I see that your signature line has you as the Supermom...so hold onto the fact that you are doing this for you and for your kids. Best wishes, and stay with us on the boards and we'll support you all the way!

[mrgrta 0]

Deanna, I'm sorry to hear about your husband. Mine was not very supportive of me either. I too have 2 small children at home. My mom drove me to the hospital and I had to stay overnight because the surgery took over 3 hours and ended late in the evening. When I was released the next morning, I had to go home and take care of kids because my husband had to go to work. Yes, I was a little sore, but it really was not as bad as I thought is was going to be. In fact, my doctor really encouraged me to go home and NOT be inactive. So taking care of the kids actually helped me to not just crawl in bed and sleep it off. My youngest son was still in diapers and I just set up a changing station on the floor because I was not allowed to lift him.

I used to hear the same comments from my husband about not having enough willpower to eat smaller portions on my own. I decided I was having the surgery no matter what he thought. It has been 10 months and I've lost 65 lbs. I'm about 20 pounds from goal and already planning to have a Tummy Tuck and breast lift when I get to goal. I know these surgeries won't be as easy as Lap Band and I'm prepared to hire a nannny for a few weeks if I have to.

My husband can't stop commenting on how great I look and how wonderful I'm doing with exercising, etc.

I'm so glad that I didn't let his lack of encouragement and help stop me from doing this wonderful thing for myself.

I would go ahead with the surgery. Just think how much easier it will be to find a great supportive guy after you lose your weight if you decide that you no longer want to be married.

Just my 2 cents.

[AngelWhispers 0]

Wow, thats terrible! I was blessed with a husband who is the most supportive of all others around me about the lap band, so I can't say that I know how you're feeling. Although, I can say that he is very wrong. You are his wife, he is supposed to stand by you no matter what and for him just to completely "hang you out to dry" like that is just terrible. He obviously has no concern as to how you are feeling with the way your body is and just simply does not care. For him to say he won't even help with the children was just going overboard! Men like that make me so angry! I mean you are going to be in no condition to do everything yourself after the surgery and he will just stand there and let you suffer by having to do it all yourself b/c he's too hardheaded, stubborn, and selfish to care enough about his wife, the one who's supposed to come first in his life right after God, to try to understand how you're feeling and try to support you in whatever you choose to do that may make your life happier. He obviously just does not understand the way you're feeling nor does he have any interest is trying to understand. Tell him to read over his vows again to refresh his memory on what kind of husband he "vowed" to be.:thumbup:

[AngelWhispers 0]

Oh, also I am in no way saying to "test the theory" of HIM not being worth it. As husband and wife you're supposed to work through any and all problems. A marriage is not intended to be something that you just try out and if it doesn't work then end it. There was that "til death do us part" clause thrown in to show you are supposed to stick it out no matter what and try to work out everything that you do not agree on. I'm sure you know that marriage is not easy, but you two chose each other for life.

I'm not trying to "preach" or anything, basically just stating my views on things. Goodluck with everything, just keep your head up and try to keep God in your life as much as possible and you will see changes and miracles happening all around you.

[djw6171 0]

Thanks everyone for your comments. As much as I would like to believe he will come around, I know he will hold this against me forever. He is very controlling and if it is not his idea, it is not right. Oh well, I am going to do it anyway. Got a boost today....I moved into my new office at work and my boss gave me his refrigerator because I knew I would need to keep food/drinks on hand. That is support. Thank goodness for my Mom and my boss!

I will keep you up to date but thanks again!

[xgrl 0]

Hey Supermom,

I'm not married and basically have no experiance to base this on but maybe you could try explaining to your husband that this isn't a easy fix by any means we still have to be disciplined and eat less although the band helps us out, people can still out eat it and besides does he know how hard it is to work out when your overweight your joints will kill you for the next few days personally if I do anything beyond walking my knees and hips painfully pop for days. this is your decision hun do it for you maybe he'll relize once you start losing that you are not only healthier but a happier you. I know he's not into stuff that's not his idea but I've read some literature on relationships during and after major weightloss and your relationships do change perhaps you and him should seek counseling. once again i'm not really one to talk but in my head it sounds like sound advice. good luck sweetie and stay strong!!!

[MADE IT 2 MY GOAL..OH YEAH 0]

I hate when I read about someone that is doing something to better their lives and the lives of those around them and they can't get any support from their family. I don't know what to say about your husband not being there for you, but maybe, just maybe, he has good reason not to want to be there. Maybe like the other lady said, her husband was scared to see her like that so maybe your husband is scared to see you that way also. You never know. If worst comes to worse, I know that we are not your family but you have not only mine but the support of everyone here on this site. If you ever feel the need to talk about what you are about to go through please feel free to email me, my email is sandmdeering@gmail.com. I too am having the band done on 8/18. So I guess we will be going through the same things at the same times. TTYL

[mnn2501 0]

Wow, I'm a guy and men that don't support their wives in something like this are total jerks. To not do anything and tell you that he'll not help out in the least -- is this a pattern with him? if so, why are you still married to him?

My wife and I had lap band surgery 10 days apart and we helped each other. She was at the hospital for me and I was for her, She did all household chores for a week after mine and then I did them all for a week after hers. Marriage is a partnership and its all part of the: "love, honor and cherish" bit.

[MADE IT 2 MY GOAL..OH YEAH 0]

wow, i'm a guy and men that don't support their wives in something like this are total jerks. To not do anything and tell you that he'll not help out in the least -- is this a pattern with him? If so, why are you still married to him?

My wife and i had lap band surgery 10 days apart and we helped each other. She was at the hospital for me and i was for her, she did all household chores for a week after mine and then i did them all for a week after hers. Marriage is a partnership and its all part of the: "love, honor and cherish" bit.

you said it brother! My marriage vows said in sickness and in health and i am so thankful that my husband is going to be there beside me 100 percent of the way. If he wasn't, i'm not sure i could go through this. I don't know anyone on here personally but i will be there for anyone that needs me.

will be banded on august 18!!!!

[Maribelle 0]

I think this surgery is going to do wonderful things for you and as others have said, stick to your guns. It time to focus on YOU. Not him, not the kids. Yourself. I have a feeling he is scared that when you lose the weight and find yourself, you may not be so easily controlled, and anyone who is domineering would be threatened by that. You can work on those issues later on down the road, though, because now you've got to get yourself right and things will fall into place later. Good luck on your surgery!