How do you feel about other people's weight loss?

[Fanny Adams 7]

I'm noticing a really curious phenomenon in myself lately. I've never been one to be jealous or envious of other people. I've always been proud of my own accomplishments and easily able to Celebrate other people's achievements. Yet lately, I have heard this bitter little voice in the back of my head making really bitchy comments, when I have heard about other people's successes.

For example, I have a really good online friend who is coming to Aus to see me at Xmas. She has been absolutely wonderful in supporting my journey, really positive and encouraging. She is also fairly overweight and in the last month or so, since we decided she should come, has been working hard with diet and exercise to lose weight for the trip. She's doing really well and is losing weight and getting herself fit. I should be happy for her. I AM happy for her! I'm thrilled that she is able to do this for herself! But there is still this tiny voice of resentment in the back of my head that is saying nasty things like "yeah, well she won't keep it off" and so on. What's worse is I can really see myself thinking nasty smug thoughts of "I told you so!" if it turns out that way.

I don't understand this. She has done nothing to deserve these horrid thoughts and it seems so unlike me to be thinking those things. I know it is resentment that she is achieving success at something I have failed at, but that's no excuse! I REALLY REALLY don't like this dirty little secret and I can't fathom why it is rearing its ugly head.

Have any of you felt differently about hearing your friends talk about their diet efforts, whether successful or not, since banding?

[Yvonne72 0]

I have a problem with this too- thank you for your honesty.

I really don't know where to start on this topic, because there are so many angles to it.

Have you ever thought (pre-banding) when you were doing good on a diet, that someone was thinking that about you? Like when I joined Jenny Craig- there was a lady that worked in our office and EVERY day she would ask me if I lost weight. Every Day... I knew deep down she was gunning for me to fail- about a month later, she comes in tells me that she's on NutriSystem and it's SO MUCH BETTER- I thought to myself- I hope you fail miserably and waist all your money!

Maybe deep down inside we feel like failures for not being able to do it ourselves. Maybe we know all too well that "the vacation diet" or "wedding diet" doesn't really work and we hate to see our friend go through all that work and then fail. We hate to think of them looking "better" than us in those pictures we're about to take together too! LOL

Maybe it has something to do with the fact that you did something for yourself that really can't fail and you feel that Everyone should handle their weight problem as you have.

I hope I'm not coming off mean- I'm just trying to rationalize this for myself as well. I really don't know why I have animosity towards some people. Sometimes if I hear someone has lost more than me- I think bad thoughts as you do... why? I don't know? But it's not how I truly feel- it's just a thought...

We're not bad people- just confused I think.

Like I said- there are so many ins and outs to this conversation. I'd like to hear what others have to say.

Open your mind and your heart and maybe these feelings will go away.

[Kalipso2 25]

this topic really hits home with me because i've been experiencing it since my surgery in april. growing up i was always thin. my older sister and i used to share clothes in high school. as i entered my 20's i steadily started gaining weight while she remained basically the same... even after having 2 children.

i've tried all the fad diets, weight watchers, even a nutritionist but nothing ever really worked so i looked into the lap-band.

when i was preparing for surgery my sister decided it was time she lost some weight too so she joined weight watchers. so we both started our "diets" at the same time. she has lost almost as much weight as i have but she's obviously much thinner than i am, topping out at 125 right now.

am i jealous? hell YES i'm jealous. am i angry? yep. do i feel like it's a competition? uh huh.

i don't know what made her decide to lose weight just when i was going to begin my journey. maybe she was afraid i would weigh less than her at some point? i don't know.

i do know that she has been very supportive of me... listening to me cry because of depression and just the overall struggling of learning how to use my band. she has given me the clothes that she's grown out of (size 12 woo hoo along with some size 10's that i hope to fit into soon) but i call them "my sister's fat clothes".

i just don't know how to be envious instead of jealous of her.

[adorkbl 156]

I think it is a natural response. Or maybe I just wish it were.

I noticed the bitchy little voice in my head as my older sister started losing weight recently. I wanted to say hey... it is MY turn for people to notice ME. Oye... I really had to give myself a mental head slap for that. :teeth_smile: I am honestly happy for her and proud of her.

I noticed recentaly one of my overweight friends treating me a bit different. When I told her about my new clothes size and how excited I was, instead of congratulating me, she made sure to mention she was still one size smaller than me. I was disappointed... but like I said, I think women tend to be competative and sensitive about weight.

*shrug*

[Fanny Adams 7]

Thanks for the input everyone. I'm really struggling with this, because I have never known myself to be petty and jealous like this before, but it does seem to be a problem now. I know that I really am happy for my friend, and happy for others when I hear about their losses, so I'm just slapping myself when I hear that nasty voice and telling it to go away. I hope it works soon, because I really don't like this new feature of mine.

To be completely honest, it's not just with my friend. It's happening anywhere I hear about weightloss. I read other people's tickers and if they've lost more than me, I'm jealous, if they've lost less, I feel smug. If someone has started their journey from a lower scale point than I'm currently at, I think "Bitch, don't tell me how fat and disgusting you felt when you started! I'm celebrating just getting to that point and I think I look good!".

These are horrible, nasty thoughts and I'm really not like that!! I don't get it at all and I wish it would stop! *slaps self* *sighs* Maybe I'm just PMSing and really letting it get to me at the moment *checks calendar* I have heard that weight loss releases lots of hormones back into your system and can make you really moody for a while - maybe that's what it is? If so, I hope my body adjusts itself soon because I don't like this.

*edits*

Removed a bit that was just unnecessary and might upset others, which I didn't want to happen because I know I didn't mean it. :teeth_smile:

Edited August 3, 2008 by Fanny Adams

[GonBhealthy 0]

I have the same problem. My best friend has a large frame and she wears a 16-(a tight 16)I wish I could fit into a 16 right now, but anyway. She knows I'm trying really hard. I've only been banded for 2.5 weeks. She supports me-to my face anyway. However, she's been extra flirty with people and when we're hanging out and listening to music, she does her "booty dance" alot more. I feel like she's thinking "ya, you're not gonna make it, you'll never be able to wear my jeans or pick up guys like me". Well, I'm married anyway, plus, I was always smaller than her-size 10 and 12. She just didn't meet me til I was heavy, so she doesn't realize that after I SUCCEED, my body is gonna blow hers out of the Water. I try to keep hold of that last thought to keep me from saying something really hateful when she's showing off. Just give me some time, she'll see.

[HeatherO 7]

We are competitive by nature. I think everyone of us has these thoughts and feelings.

Recently my little sister, who is 14 years old, came to stay with me for a while over the summer. We have had a rough year in that our mother passed away unexpectedly in the Spring. It was hard on all of us, but I think it was hardest on her being at such a young age.

Her whole life has changed and she had to make choices regarding alternate living arrangements. She had to move to a different town with my brother's family. We have a family arrangement where she will spend her school years with my brother (most of our family lives near her original home town and she can still see her friends) and she will come several hours away up to my house in the summers.

Well, weight problems run throughout my family, contributed to my mother's health issues and my sister has now put on a little weight. I have been teaching her about healthy eating and we have been doing things such as swimming, biking and going to the gym together. She is still young and impressionable and I think it is a perfect time to help her live a healthier lifestyle. She has no idea that I am banded but she has definitely noticed weight changes.

So talk about competition . . . I am a little disgusted with myself on some feelings that I have had lately. We went to the gym yesterday and I showed her how to use the big slide scale after a workout and a swim. I weigh less than her by about 5 pounds . . . and how did I feel about that??? At first I was a elated but didn't show it, thinking "OMG I weigh less than my little sister, I can't believe it."

Then I immediately felt sad because I was always very thin as a child and if she is already significantly overweight at 14, she may just have a rocky road ahead of her the same as me. My only other sister is 25 and weighs 300+ and has been hospitalized multiple times due to issues with her diabetes. My 14 year old sister is so young and I don't want her to have the weight woes that my other sister and I have had.

So I feel like such a dork for that initial feeling of "I weigh less than you." Sibling rivalry should be irrelevant when there is a huge age difference. I am 33 and she is 14, you would think I would be a little more mature than that, right????

[Daisalana 33]

Not jealous, but I am bitter about diets. My husband is only person who comes to my mind right now, it ends up none of my friends are overweight (how did that happen, I'm in the 2nd most obese state in the country??).

He has gained 60lbs since I met him, and when I was looking into getting banded he kept saying he supported me, but thought I could do it on my own. It just takes willpower. So instead of a battle, I just said.. Well, I can't do it on my own because I DON'T have willpower.

He never dieted before. A couple months ago he's getting self-conscious of his gained weight and said he wants to do Atkins and wanted me to tell him how. I told him the basics, and he said that sounds easy enough. I felt bitter in my mind, like.. yeah that's right, I hope it sucks for you, so you see it's not 'as easy as that' to diet. Like I had to validate why I got the band in this moment. It ended up happening, he went off the diet temporarily then kept prolonging starting it again, and I have a bad habit of making sure he realizes the error of his ways. I keep making off handed (sarcastic) comments about "But all it takes is willpower."

And I guess one of my best friends from high school, we reconnected recently. She was one of those girls, when we were younger and went to the mall.. she'd shop in all those stores that had nothing I could wear.. I'd watch her try on bikinis, etc.. and she'd make comments about 'how fat' she is, in her size 4. I would always roll my eyes and point to my gut.. anyway, when we reconnected, she has gained a LOT of weight. She's like a size 22 now. I can't say I'm happy she gained weight, in fact I feel a little bad knowing that when she was a size 4 she complained about being fat.. but I feel like maybe she understands how I felt. It's weird that I am actually smaller than her.

Ok I rambled more than I meant to, but I was trying to think if I feel the jealous thing.. not so much jealous, but I have bitterness.

[Guest Leslie2Lose]

I think it is natural. We all want to be a success - especially after shelling out x amount of dollars and going through major surgery to do so. I even look at people that are banded the same time as me and have those evil thoughs. Some have lost 60 pounds or more - do I get jealous? Hell yes. Does it last? No. I have to remind myself - HAVE TO - that they are different than me and not to judge me by them. If I didn't I would doubt myself and wonder what the heck am I doing wrong. I'm tired of doubting myself - I did that for 30+ years and times they are a changing.

I'll tell all of you DH had an affair last summer. I found out about it early on, ended it, and we are still working on things. A year ago I doubted myself, even to the point of self-loathing. I hated the way I looked and hated the fact he went to a skinner woman (though that wasn't the heart of the problem, but it didn't help my self confidence either). Now to my point - The ho came into MY office a couple of weeks ago (two days in a row). I didn't say a word to her - though I wanted to. I could see the jealousy in HER eyes. I thought, "Yea bitch, I'm both smaller and prettier than you now!" Talk about feeling good for thinking bad thoughts. It made my day.

Sometimes we make those around us jealous too! In my case - it made all the hard work and success so much sweeter.

[Fanny Adams 7]

Like I had to validate why I got the band in this moment.

Not to ignore the rest of what you said, because they were all good points, but I think you got to the heart of it with this statement. I think what I am feeling when I hear of friends successfully losing weight without the band, is that their efforts invalidate my choice to have the band. It's like they are saying "See? I can do it, so there's no reason why you couldn't have done this too!" I know that they are not saying that, but that nasty little voice in the back of my head is putting those words in their mouths. I guess it's just another manifestation of the insecurities that we all have deep inside.

Also, I think it has a lot to do with mood :whatchutalkingabout. My comment about these thoughts being triggered by PMS weren't entirely inaccurate and I'm feeling much better about things now :tt2:.

[Daisalana 33]

Hah, PMS will do that.

So will alcohol... and pain meds... I've posted & deleted many a times!

[crazycatlady 0]

Jealousy is in our sinful makeup. EVERYONE experiences it, it's how you deal with it that's important. If it's causing you or others harm then you need to get help in order to deal with the affects.

Moving on...I personally think being banded should be a private matter that you & only a select few know about. That way everyone isn't judging you & you aren't looking to impress others. Just my opinion only.

Also, if I compared myself to others I'd be in big trouble since I haven't lost nearly what I thought I would have by now. But I'm the only one to blame for that. I chose the band because I cannot & will not live on a "diet" for the rest of my life. I just want to eat like a skinny person with the awareness of what I am eating. Make sense??

Edited August 13, 2008 by crazycatlady

[Bea1128 1]

We all probably all feel it at some point. Hopefully we don't dwell on it because it truly will eat you up. A few years ago, my sister-in-law lost a ton of weight after her divorce. She really got into exercise. She denies it, but I know it was to show her ex that he screwed up by leaving. Anyway, she looked great. All of the sudden she started wearing these skimpy outfits. This is a person who had always been so modest. Yes, I felt jealous but was also glad for her. She was having fun and besides I didn't see her that often so my face wasn't constantly rubbed in it. She's also always been very supportive of me and always telling me how great I look, etc. The other day she was my house and first told me how great I was looking. Then asked how much weight I had lost. She told me how great that was and how proud of me she was. Then in the next breath she said, "I need to get my butt in gear because you're going to look better than me soon". I told her I wasn't competing with her, but then she said she's already hired a personal trainer. In other words, forget about it because she can afford a trainer. That was all it took. Okay, girlfriend, now I'm competing with you!!!! If she had never said anything I would never have felt that way, but now.....GAME ON!!!!

[tapshoes 2]

But oddly enough, it is NOT that I'm jealous of those who have always been thin, or who have successfully lost weight without WLS, or even of those who have. Sometimes I become aware of a jealousy of many of you here who (in my opinion) look better at your starting or 'in progress' weights than I ever have (thin or not). Even for those who weigh more than myself, and are lamenting your weight - I look at your pics, and I think you look great. Why can't I look as good when I'm the same weight, or less?

Fortunately, I slap myself (metaphorically) and get over it.

I can't excuse it as PMS - perhaps menopause????:Banane37:

[vegasgirl44 0]

But oddly enough, it is NOT that I'm jealous of those who have always been thin, or who have successfully lost weight without WLS, or even of those who have. Sometimes I become aware of a jealousy of many of you here who (in my opinion) look better at your starting or 'in progress' weights than I ever have (thin or not). Even for those who weigh more than myself, and are lamenting your weight - I look at your pics, and I think you look great. Why can't I look as good when I'm the same weight, or less?

Fortunately, I slap myself (metaphorically) and get over it.

I can't excuse it as PMS - perhaps menopause????:Banane37:

I think this entire thread is why we are to go through psych counseling before surgery. How are we going to handle our changing bodies? And not only that, but how are we going to handle the reactions of OTHERS? Either those in our lives or those we pass by in the streets. I know that my whole day can be devastated by a perfect stranger on the road. A couple of years ago, I had lost about 55 lbs on WW, and although I had a while to go, I felt so sexy and I had a sexy Italian boyfriend, and life couldn't be much better. And then after dropping my daughter off of school, I was waiting at a light, and some guy in a truck made some fat joke in passing. I mean, for crying out loud, I was in my car and I thought I looked spectacular! My point is that my whole day was ruined. I was no longer sexy and spectacular. The reactions we get from others unfortunately can change how we feel about ourselves. It can shape us. It's up to us to have our inspiration come from within other than letting change come from the outside. Believe in yourself, be comfortable with who you are, and be happy for others. Just remember that they may feel jealous and insecure that you are moving in a great new direction. And also remember that the band is just a TOOL and it can fail like any other tool out there. So, again, the change comes from within ourselves.