I'm Mad!!

[Jeter2 0]

At first I was sad, crying; now I'm just plain mad! Bear with me, this story does have to do with my lap band!

I was banded mid-June, my husband is the only one that knows and he has been so supportive. My family is just way to judgmental, and would be watching everything that went into my mouth, asking why I wasn't losing weight faster, saying I took the "easy way out", etc.

My mother is elderly and doesn't drive and needs to be taken to many appointments every week. As a stay-at-home Mom of 2, that job always fell to me, even though I have 3 siblings that have felxible schedules. I or my husband have taken my mother to almost all of her appointments for the past 5 years. Because we have been busy this summer, and I have been helping my husband with his business, I asked my sister to take my mother to a couple of appointments. All week long she said she would, no problem, she had next Wednesday off. Tuesday morning, my phone rings. She just has to talk to me. She wanted to know why I'm not living up to MY responsibility concerning my mother. Now, I do all my mothers bills, shopping, pay the extra if she runs out of money for the month, am her power of attorney and health care proxy. I love my mother, but this can be burdensome sometimes. Anyway, my sister decided that since we were "already in an argument" it was time she got a few other things off her chest. She decided to tell me that I look "disgusting" to her and have completely let myself go weight wise. As I stated, I had lap band surgery last month and have lost 25 pounds, down to 211. I was just starting to feel good about myself and she comes out with this! I have been kind of avoiding her since the surgery because when I went into the hospital for my "ulcer surgery" (that's what we told her and I was home same day) she said "oh please I hope you're not having gastric bypass, that would be ridiculous and stupid". I sad "no", which was true. She never once asked me how I was feeling, or if she could help me out.

After she called me "disgusting" the conversation went down from there. She had found out that after a long and agonizing time we finally decided to try medication for our daughter's ADHD. She is a great kid but has struggled greatly because of her ADHD. We decided on a trial of medication, and we can always stop the meds if we don't like the outcome. My sister proceeded to tell me that ADHD meds meant lazy parenting, and that's probably why I am so disgustingly fat and I just want to drug my child to avoid watching her, to basically make her into a zombie. I was shocked! We agonized over the meds for her and just want to help her be the best she can be! My older daughter is a straight - A student, and to be honest my sister has always acted jelous of that, because her kids aren't, but I always look at all the children as individuals with their own strengths and don't make comparisons. Finally, my sister said that because I hadn't called her in a couple of weeks, it must mean that I am just sitting at home, watching tv and eating. I told her that my life didn't evolve around her, and that I had other things to do and people to do them with. I really think she's losing it!! She said because I didn't have a job outside the home I basically had no life. This coming from a person who has three kids, goes through a boyfriend every few months and makes her older kids babysit so that she can hang out at a local dive bar, and I have no life? I then later find out she's been calling mutual friends and telling them that I called her "crazy", her son "abnormal" (I did mention that he may have adhd to) and that I am no longer welcome in her home or at any family events she holds. I have always been close to all my siblings, but this blew me away! She's also telling people that my other sister and brother refuse to talk to me (not true I talk to them at least twice a week, my brother and husband work together and we are very close.) It seems to be a pattern that she trashes people to make herself look good, she never takes any responsibility for her own actions. She plays people against each other. Did I also mention she thinks she's gods gift to all men (she's thin), which is why she lost her best friend since HS, telling her that because she was looking good (my sister) that she thought her friends husband wanted her?!

Sorry to rant on and on, but with this surgery I've tried to become an all around better person, to learn to forgive, to improve my health and I felt I was succeeding until this!! She made me feel absolutely horrible. I should have known what she was thinking, I lost 75 pounds about 10 years ago, and she said "Thank god you lost some weight, you were looking reallly bad." I gained it all back, so like I said, you know what she's been thinking and saying to people. My other sister and brother both weigh much more then me, I don't dare tell them what she said, I wouldn't want to make them feel bad. But I'm sure she's called them and made me look bad...

Do I turn the other cheek and try to get past this or cut her out of my life for a while? Her two older children are more then just neices to me, she had them when she was 18 and 20 and I watched them most of the time, they even spent entire weekends at my house. I still see them daily as they can and do walk to my house (we live close to each other) and they've remarked that their mother goes into nonsensical rantings toward them all of the time, which other people have witnessed. Could my sister be having some sort of mental problem or is she just mean? What should I do? I just don't want to talk to her anymore, but I feel for her kids and she is my sister. She did tell her oldest to tell me if I apologized for causing 100% of the argument, she would "consider" talking to me. Of course after she's already trashed me around town and has such a bad opinion of me. I really feel deep down this is how she feels, because I am college educated but my husband and I decided I'd stay home and because I am over weight I am a loser. I don't think this opinion will change. Knowing her, as I lose weight she'll probably take credit becasue she gave me "tough love"....

[BonnieMcC 0]

Wow Jeter, I am totally overwhelmed by your story and sounds like to me you need a big hug!!! Your sister probably feels guilty about how much more you are doing for your mother than she is...and the only thing that makes her feel better is to talk bad about you. Trust me, this has NOTHING to do with you. I am sure it is all about what she feels about herself. Trust me when I say 211 is NOT disgusting. There are several people on this very site (myself included) that can't wait until we get down to 211 pounds...and within a couple of months (or sooner!) you will be on ONEderland. You totally need a break from your sister. Stop answering her phone calls and stop all contact with her (for awhile atleast) She is bringing negative thoughts and you don't need that in your life. You have done a wonderful thing by getting banded and changing your life and you don't need someone else bad mouthing you or making you feel bad about yourself. You should feel proud about your decisions. My sister lives in the same town and I only speak to her on holidays because she is full of negativity (and shes a compulsive liar) and I don't want that in my life or in my childrens lives. I can only take her in small doses.

As far as your mother is concerned, you deserve a medal for taking care of her. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't wish I had done more in my mothers final months here on earth. My mother died at 48 and I was in an abusive marriage and I didn't get to spend enough time with her at the end. You keep doing what you are doing and your rewards will be far greater in the afterlife than you could even imagine. (sorry to if that was too preachy). See if you can find help elsewhere for your mom on the days you can't seem to do everything or try to pile up all your moms to-dos in a couple of days a week (shopping, doctors, ect)

These are just a couple of ideas I had anyway, I may not have the right answer tho, but your sister words are poison...and if she asks why you haven't called just say "Im busy living my life".

[momfive 0]

At first I was sad, crying; now I'm just plain mad! Bear with me, this story does have to do with my lap band!

I was banded mid-June, my husband is the only one that knows and he has been so supportive. My family is just way to judgmental, and would be watching everything that went into my mouth, asking why I wasn't losing weight faster, saying I took the "easy way out", etc.

My mother is elderly and doesn't drive and needs to be taken to many appointments every week. As a stay-at-home Mom of 2, that job always fell to me, even though I have 3 siblings that have felxible schedules. I or my husband have taken my mother to almost all of her appointments for the past 5 years. Because we have been busy this summer, and I have been helping my husband with his business, I asked my sister to take my mother to a couple of appointments. All week long she said she would, no problem, she had next Wednesday off. Tuesday morning, my phone rings. She just has to talk to me. She wanted to know why I'm not living up to MY responsibility concerning my mother. Now, I do all my mothers bills, shopping, pay the extra if she runs out of money for the month, am her power of attorney and health care proxy. I love my mother, but this can be burdensome sometimes. Anyway, my sister decided that since we were "already in an argument" it was time she got a few other things off her chest. She decided to tell me that I look "disgusting" to her and have completely let myself go weight wise. As I stated, I had lap band surgery last month and have lost 25 pounds, down to 211. I was just starting to feel good about myself and she comes out with this! I have been kind of avoiding her since the surgery because when I went into the hospital for my "ulcer surgery" (that's what we told her and I was home same day) she said "oh please I hope you're not having gastric bypass, that would be ridiculous and stupid". I sad "no", which was true. She never once asked me how I was feeling, or if she could help me out.

After she called me "disgusting" the conversation went down from there. She had found out that after a long and agonizing time we finally decided to try medication for our daughter's ADHD. She is a great kid but has struggled greatly because of her ADHD. We decided on a trial of medication, and we can always stop the meds if we don't like the outcome. My sister proceeded to tell me that ADHD meds meant lazy parenting, and that's probably why I am so disgustingly fat and I just want to drug my child to avoid watching her, to basically make her into a zombie. I was shocked! We agonized over the meds for her and just want to help her be the best she can be! My older daughter is a straight - A student, and to be honest my sister has always acted jelous of that, because her kids aren't, but I always look at all the children as individuals with their own strengths and don't make comparisons. Finally, my sister said that because I hadn't called her in a couple of weeks, it must mean that I am just sitting at home, watching tv and eating. I told her that my life didn't evolve around her, and that I had other things to do and people to do them with. I really think she's losing it!! She said because I didn't have a job outside the home I basically had no life. This coming from a person who has three kids, goes through a boyfriend every few months and makes her older kids babysit so that she can hang out at a local dive bar, and I have no life? I then later find out she's been calling mutual friends and telling them that I called her "crazy", her son "abnormal" (I did mention that he may have adhd to) and that I am no longer welcome in her home or at any family events she holds. I have always been close to all my siblings, but this blew me away! She's also telling people that my other sister and brother refuse to talk to me (not true I talk to them at least twice a week, my brother and husband work together and we are very close.) It seems to be a pattern that she trashes people to make herself look good, she never takes any responsibility for her own actions. She plays people against each other. Did I also mention she thinks she's gods gift to all men (she's thin), which is why she lost her best friend since HS, telling her that because she was looking good (my sister) that she thought her friends husband wanted her?!

Sorry to rant on and on, but with this surgery I've tried to become an all around better person, to learn to forgive, to improve my health and I felt I was succeeding until this!! She made me feel absolutely horrible. I should have known what she was thinking, I lost 75 pounds about 10 years ago, and she said "Thank god you lost some weight, you were looking reallly bad." I gained it all back, so like I said, you know what she's been thinking and saying to people. My other sister and brother both weigh much more then me, I don't dare tell them what she said, I wouldn't want to make them feel bad. But I'm sure she's called them and made me look bad...

Do I turn the other cheek and try to get past this or cut her out of my life for a while? Her two older children are more then just neices to me, she had them when she was 18 and 20 and I watched them most of the time, they even spent entire weekends at my house. I still see them daily as they can and do walk to my house (we live close to each other) and they've remarked that their mother goes into nonsensical rantings toward them all of the time, which other people have witnessed. Could my sister be having some sort of mental problem or is she just mean? What should I do? I just don't want to talk to her anymore, but I feel for her kids and she is my sister. She did tell her oldest to tell me if I apologized for causing 100% of the argument, she would "consider" talking to me. Of course after she's already trashed me around town and has such a bad opinion of me. I really feel deep down this is how she feels, because I am college educated but my husband and I decided I'd stay home and because I am over weight I am a loser. I don't think this opinion will change. Knowing her, as I lose weight she'll probably take credit becasue she gave me "tough love"....

I don't know if I'm doing this right, but here goes. I read your entire entry with ravenous interest. Your life sounds like a version of mine. It's your sister that has a problem. You are doing MORE than is fair for your mom. Do what is right for you, be fair to others (and you are), and consider that your sister has issues. I thought I was the only one who would keep my band to myself; I fully understand. I guess I'm thinking that people will say that I took the easy way out-since I'm obviously lazy and only lie on the couch and watch t.v. and continuously eat. I'm not yet banded, but have completed everything and am awaiting a call to schedule. I'm trying to be realistic about it. I need to hear from others who have kids, we have five, and how they remain normal with the cooking, etc. I hope you are able to figure this out on your own, I don't expect your sister to admit any wrong doing in word or deed. Live YOUR life and let your sister live hers. Congratulations!!:biggrin2:

[KD8888 0]

I agree, it is your sister who has the problem. Don't let her unhappiness bring you down. That is what she wants. I'd just avoid her for now. You need to stay positive. You don't have to avoid her children since they are old enough to come to your house on their own. If they bring up their mother, you can listen (although you may not want to) and not comment. Even though they are close to you, they may tell her any comments you make.

Congratulations on getting banded. By the way, I'm almost 1 year out now. Only 2 people know and I'm glad I only shared it with people who I knew I could trust.

Good luck with your journey.

[luvmy2dogs 2]

Your sister definitely has the problem. Sounds to me like she's jealous of your life, and doesn't really want you to get thin. You might be conpetition for her. :wink2:

[To be free 1]

She sounds like a very Toxic person and even if she was my sister I would stay far away.......she is also the type that when you do loose massive amounts of weight will think it is because of what she said and that she actually helped you loose the weight.

It is very hard being the caretaker and having no assistance and that is tough enough........just hang in there, you are on the right track and don't let anyone get you down......

[TxChelsey 1]

Sounds like sis needs a smack!! Seriously. If my sister ever spoke to me that way, she'd be missing teeth.

[strikeuptheband 16]

Jeter, You have a right to be sad and mad. I think your sis really has some issues and I would guess she's been this way for a long time. I have only told one of my sisters that I trust and none of the rest of my family. Heck, more co-workers know than family members! And now I wish I hadn't told them. A few are supportive but most just look at me like how come you aren't thin yet. (Gee, its been two whole months!)

I would put all the distance you can between you and your sis. Keep in touch with her kids; I think they need a supportive aunt to come to if it gets rough at home for them. Surround yourself with positive people and keep on doing what you are doing. Its working for you.

I have one sis that is always right no matter what and she also tends to look down her nose at me. I make myself go to family get togethers at Christmas mainly to see those I do enjoy and I just tolerate the rest. Can't wait for this year so I can shake my little booty and make them wonder how I lost it! lol

You are awesome for being a stay at home mom with the economy these days. I salute you! and God Bless ya for taking care of your mom. Hope things improve for you soon.

[ElusiveQuality 22]

Jeter,

This is coming from someone who is ADHD (not diagnosed until I was 46 and it helped drive me to alcoholism) and banded.

Starting off, your sister has the problems, not you. I have no idea where all of this stems from but she's worrying too much about your life, not her own. You are taking care of your business and trying to make things as good as you can for yourself, your daughter and your mom. Your sister is mad and confused about some part of her life and is trying to blame you. Do you best not to just keep on living your life to your standards and expectations. Your sister's opinions and valuations of you should have absolutely no bearing on what you do.

As for ADHD, medications can help in some situations but they don't work by themselves. You need to start working with your daughter on how to cope with ADHD. There are tons of books out there that can help (Hartman has written several that are OK, plus "you mean I'm not lazy, crazy or stupid?" book is good). You are fortunate that your daughter was diagnosed so early in life. There are habits she needs to start developing now to cope that will help her for the rest of her life. I wish my parents knew about this when I was 8 years old. ADHD is a blessing in addition to a curse. There are parts of the ADHD mind that really help with creativity and problem solving. Learn about the ADHD mind and you'll find ways to really improve your daughter's life.

Back to your sister. You may want to examine her drinking habits and medication use. From your description, her behaviour is not rational.

Good Luck.

EQ

[SillyGoose 0]

I know someone who used to sound very similar to your sister. I say "used to" because she is not the same person anymore. The problem was with her and it was no one else's fault for the way she was behaving. Alot of what you mentioned about your sister sounds like things she was doing, except she doesn't have any sisters and her mother is not elderly. It took her alot of time and soul searching when she hit rock bottom and realized how miserable she was. With help, she was able to make a complete turn around and we are still friends to this day. I was her friend back then watching her go through what she was going through. I don't know your sister, but I hope that what ever is going on with her, that she realizes it soon and get the help she needs to turn herself around. My advise to you (which probably isn't very good) is to just let this past outburst go the best you can knowing that she was just lashing out at you just like she does to her kids because she is miserable and wants everyone to feel the same. Misery loves company right? I pray that she realizes what she's doing very soon and goes through what she needs to go through to hopefully make her change for the better. And when that happens, it may get alot worse before it gets better. Just be patient and kinda avoid her and be there for her if she does eventually turn to you for help.

As far as your daughter with ADHD.... Children with ADHD are amazing aren't they?? My son also has it. I think he may have been showing signs of it since he was a baby. He would never take naps and could never be still! His kindergarten teacher thought he seriously had a hearing problem because he wouldn't respond when he was called. His 1st grade teacher made him go run a few laps just before class would start to wear him out a little so he could sit still for class. All his teachers always had something to say about him and it would break my heart because I knew what a wonderful child he is but I also knew how frustrating he could be. I swore I never wanted to put him on meds, I was going to handle it myself. Finally, I had him tested and put him on meds when he was 9. He is now 11. I was afraid the meds were going to change him, but they didn't. They just helped him enough to be able to sit through class and get his work done and focus. He is just amazingly smart. I have to get his help all the time with the electronics, including this computer! Sorry to blab on and on, I'm just so proud of him and I understand where your coming from with your daughter.

For your mom.... See if the area where you lives offers some kind of county or government program. Where I live, they have In Home Supportive Services (IHSS). You can have your mom evaluated and they can give her so many hours a week for care. Then, you can get her a care provider to help her with appointments, cleaning, laundry and shopping. Then, IHSS pays the care provider for the hours that were worked. Something to think about and look into.

Sorry for the long response - and I really don't post often! Good luck to you!

:wink2:

[Mamacj 0]

Wow, I think we have the same sister!! Seriously, she is acting like a self-centered child and is obviously a very unhappy person (which goes to show you that being thin isn't all roses and rainbows). You need to take care of you and remember you are valuable, you have value to your husband, children, your mom and whether she realizes it or not YOUR SISTER!

I hope she realizes what she has, but in the mean time, don't let her ruin something wonderful that will improve your life and health.

I didn't tell two of my sisters I am having the surgery because they are both thin and have not struggled with weight. They took after mom and my other two sisters and I took after dad. I am not postive they wouldn't be supportive but I don't even want to hear about how I should just 'eat less and exercise more' and everything will be fine. So, we should just surround ourselves with postive people and let the negative ones talk to themselves.

Wishing you well on your weightloss, CJ

[mom2twins 0]

Ok, my turn to chime in. My mother sounds like your sister. She refuse to let me and my twins into her house last summer after we had been in Europe for two years, because we flew in two days before she had thought we were going to get there. After trashing me to everyone that would listen, she then locked me out of her house again, when I tried to talk to her. My little sister has not spoken to me since I choose my kids over my mother's feelings. When my kids were crying and upset because they didn't want to even see my mom, I had to decided what would hurt them more, not seeing her or exposing them to her hurtful ways. I let my girls decide when they want to see her and I limit my exposure to minimal. Since I have let her go, 40 years of abuse and mistreatment have been taken off my back. The relief of not having the constant stress from her treatment is wonderful. I do still see her for my kids, but I try not to get into conversations and keep the talk to a minimum. I hope this helps, families are no fun when they all have their own interest in mind (mine are all like that). I even have to make appointments to see my other sisters when we go visit parents because "they are too busy with their own families" to even visit with me and my kids. Good luck with your band and the progress you have made.

[sherryred73 2]

I'm sorry your sister is being so mean. Maybe she's jealous that you have a good husband and are able to be a stay at home mom and take such great care of your mom. She may just not know how to handle her own emotions.

I chimed in because I have a son recently diagnosed with ADHD. He was diagnosed the middle of last school year (second grade) and it took some trial and error with medication to get the right med and dose. His report card at the end of the year was totally different from the beginning of the year and it made me feel like I made the right decision. It's so hard to decide on medicating your child but when you talk to other parents who have gone through the same thing and you see your child so happy to be improving and doing well, you know you did the right thing.

I can't wait to have lap band surgery and like you won't tell many people because people are rude and judgemental. I hope things go better for you and that your sister stops being so mean. Please also know it probably means the world to your mother that you take such time and energy to care for her.

Hugs, Sherry

[lapbandbarb 0]

Oh! The family drama! A shared topic in which most of us can relate.

How to learn to change old habits of eating to deal with it once you are banded and ready to start a healthier life? That is what we all must learn. Any suggestions?

I took the route of getting my negative sister out of my life for awhile and this hurt my mom so much. When she was diagnosed with cancer, her wish was that I forgive my sister. I have and she actually has changed and does appreciate me more. It is a hard thing, dealing with people who are SUPPOSED to love and support you, people who are FAMILY, related for life. They just take you for granted and think you will be there no matter what. Hang in there and try to tell her how you feel- even if it causes a blow-up fight, at least she will know you are strong. Obviously, you are!

[AngelWhispers 0]

Wow, thats horrible!

I'm sure it hurts a great deal to hear something like that coming from your own sister, but sometimes people are just like that. I'm not sure what your religious beliefs are, but the way I would handle it would be to tell her "I'm sorry you feel that way and I wil be praying for you." and leave it at that. And I really would pray for her and also pray that God would help you to forgive her for the pain she's caused you and the evil things she says and does.