Priorities.. Elderly parent and young children

[wickedme 0]

I am in a very distressing situation right now, lots of stress and anxiety which is my eating demon...

I work with my dad who is 85, office is in his home next door to mine. He doesn't do much but the banking, answering the phone and signing the checks to pay the bills. He is very lucid for the most part unless he is not feeling well, which has been a lot lately due to back problems. My children come to work with me, age 8 and 11. I have never sent them to daycare and couldn't afford to anyways,, whole point of working for myself.

my dillema:

Another family member lives with my dad, with their teenager.. Teen has been going through a rough time and came to live here out of his mothers desperation. He was great for the first 4 months, but has since been in trouble, and has been caught convincing my kids to cover up for his bad behavior.. The latest thing has been convincing my 8 yr. old (and 11 yr old 2 wks ago) to walk to my house, after being told repeatedly they couldn't be there without me, and using our pc and tv.. My kids asked me if they could go get a game on one occasion and I could see them walk through the field to the house.. when they didn't come right back I called and told them to immediately. The last few days they have said they were going to play in the field.. after not seeing them for a short time I got worried and started looking for them.. They showed up in the field again so I went back inside. When my husband got home from work he noticed a cup ring on his pc desk and someone had deleted the history.. after some questioning and punishment for not being truthful it came out that they had been in the house numerous times and the teen had forced my child to go in even after he said he was in trouble.. the teen got into my husbands twisted tea which was in his office and out of reach for a reason, and his tobacco (he rolls his own,, wish he would quit).. after a conversation and freak out with teens father, he discovered the teen was breaking into his vehicle at night and taking his stuff that he had put in there to keep it out of reach.

I could work from home, but my father doesn't like to be alone and needs me there if we have walk ins.. I have to take my kids but I don't want them around the teen and I can't be in the same room with them every minute, and they can't be in the office when I'm on the phone or have someone in.. and I have to work.. I've gone so far as to call some friends to see where their teens are working to try to find trouble maker a job!!! I do not want his bad behavior influencing my children, ,I love the teen very much but can't trust him at all anymore to do the right things around my kids. My son loves him and I don't want that to change but I have no idea how to make him understand that he can't follow him.. I have used some scare tactics, and have disciplined my son for not coming home and telling on the teen, or at least not going in the house himself.

I need to be there for my dad and my job, but I can't let anyone manipulate my children and do things that could harm them..

any feedback would be great..

[Skinny Grandma 0]

I think its time for the teen to go back home. It is not fair for anyone to dump there problem child on you or your elderly parents. There a camps and schools his mother should look into for problem children . I think you have your hands full with your Dad. I am raising a six yr old grandchild and taking care of my 85 yr old mother (who has memory problems)so I know where you are coming from. It's nice to be nice but not at the expense of your own children. May God Bless you. Good luck.

[wickedme 0]

He lives with his dad too.. sorry I didn't make that clear. Its really sad because we have all been so excited to get to know him because his mom took him away when he was 5. He is funny and can be a great kid. I have voiced to his father that I think he is desperate for attention and bored to death. The thing I don't understand is why he would think it was okay to go in my house when I told him repeatedly that he couldn't.. Most teens I am privy to be around regularly seem to think their actions should just be accepted as ok, and that there shouldn't be consequences. I'm an old school parent, mayby that is the difference with my kids. My son accepted his punishment at 8 and completely understood why he was in trouble.. and felt remorse the teen has that dumb look on his face..

My dad is clueless to the whole ordeal at the moment and I don't want to worry him, and my sister on the other side of us has changed her locks.. she had the same issue with teen last month.. arghhh

[MacMadame 81]

I would hire someone to watch your kids at your dad's house so that they are hanging out with someone older and responsible instead of the irresponsible teen. That person would clearly be in charge and could stop any shenanigans before they started. Alternately, you could make play date for them that don't involve the teen so they are away from his influence.

[wickedme 0]

Thanks for the advice.. I was hoping business would have picked up this summer so that I could have afforded to send them to rec, but they jacked the prices sky high because of fuel costs.. I was out of work for most of 5 months with a broken leg and lost business last fall and winter and we are still playing catch up with bills. life is grand isn't it?? I am certainly going to have to organize their days even more, and not allow them in "his" part of the house without me in the room. My dad stays in the office so the kids can hang in his living room when their not outside..(in my line of vision)

I am going to sit down with him next week and pick his brain to see if I can get anything out of him as to where his head is, and let him no how much damage he is causing for everyone especially my kids. My husband told him clearly that if he went in our house when again he would call the police. I have no idea if that scared him or not. I was hoping his father would at least make him apologize to us and my son but that has not happened yet.

[juliegeraci 7]

I would talk to his father again and give him an ultimatum. You shouldn't have to live in fear with your children. Do it before it gets any more out of control.

[favorite 3]

i think you hit the nail on the head when you said that the teen is bored. too much idle time is no good for the mind. if there is no job that he can get then have him volunteer somewhere. he needs to be busy to keep himself out of trouble.

[Lunabeane 2]

You DO have a situation! Teens are tricky...that's for sure. I've often found, with my students, that it's easier and more productive to tap into their strengths rather than focus on their weaknesses. You might want to try to sit with the child...with is father present...and see if he has a rationale for exhibiting the behavior that he is. My thoughts are that he might feel as if he doesn't belong and that he feels disconnected. I agree that he might be bored...when kids are bored they have a tendency to get themselves in trouble. In addition, if he is not getting the feedback that he needs...he's going to go for any type of feedback, whether it be positive or negative.

If it were me, I would try hiring the teen to keep your children occupied. I know it sounds crazy! However, you are in the optimal position to control the situation and regulate everyones behavior. You need to set very clear expectations and make the teen follow through or you will change the rules. He cannot and should not ever be the one to make the rules...that's the role that the adult plays. Once you determine if the teen is capable of caring for your children...under your supervision...you could ask him if watching the kids for a couple of hours a day would be something that he would be interested in. If it is...then you need to say that your home is off limits and that he will receive payment for his job. You might also incorporate some PC/Video time in your house when you are home as part of the paymet.

I imagine the conversation going something like this,

I will pay you $5hr to watch the kids during work hours. You have to keep track of the hours that you watch the kids and the activities that you engage in during the time that you watch them. During that time you are not permitted in my home, but are allowed to be in your grandparents home or in the field. For 1 hour a night you are allowed to come to our home and use the PC or play video games. If you break the rules or enter our home and rifle through our things, then you will not be permitted to be around my children or in my home. I know that you are a good kid and I would love for you to have a positive relationship with my children, your cousins, but I cannot allow you to teach my children to disrespect me. There are rules and regulations in our home. If you want to be a part of our home then I want to give you a chance to prove yourself. I've waited so long to get to know you and the kids really love you.

Once you have established that he is interested in the "job" you are going to have to come up with a series of activities that he will have to engage the kids in on a daily basis. You might have craft time, outdoor games, reading to the kids, movies that they can watch together, kid friendly recipes, science experiments using stuff found in the home, or even some supplemental summer school activities that he can help your kids with.

I have two teenagers sit with my son several times a week while I go to work or grade papers. I always have a list of things that they are to do with my son so that he isn't stuck in front of the television...I make them work for their money. Heck...one time I make them make a slip and slide in the yard! When I get home from work I informally quiz my son about the things that he did with the sitter that day. If he didn't do at least a couple of things on the list then I will talk with the sitter.

If you are interested...I have tons of stuff for kids to do.

I too, am a very old school parent and teacher. However, you could potentially create a great situation in your house...where he feels like he is accomplishing something, and your kids are occupied throughout the day.