My Family - Need Advice

[Snapdragon 0]

Okay. I'm feeling as though I'm between a rock and a hard place right now and I'm not sure what to do so I thought I'd come here and get some advice.

This has the potential of being really long-winded so I'll do my best to keep it down to the nuts and bolts.

I was married in March 2006. My husband and I had a quickie marriage with just my parents and sister and brother-in-law in attendance because, well, we just wanted to. We planned a bigger wedding for May 2006, but I didn't want to live together before marriage and we were moving into a new, bigger place so we just decided, what the heck, let's get married. We wore jeans, had a blast and took the fam out to dinner afterwards.

I had a cousin living in town at the time and my dad's mom and mom's dad living about four hours away. We didn't invite them because we didn't want this to be the primary focus. Our wedding was planned for May and that was the day we considered "the day". This March wedding was just for us. We called everyone that night (we were married in the evening) and told them what we did, but that our May date was the day we wanted to Celebrate with family and friends.

All hell broke loose. My cousin, who I used to be extremely close to, flipped out. In turn, her mom and her two sisters got so mad that in the end, my three cousins refused to attend my May wedding and my grandma and Aunt did attend, but not before they did everything they could to ruin it. To see them in the photos, you'd think they were on the way to the gas chamber. I wish they hadn't even shown up.

My aunt refused to attend the rehearsal dinner and made a big scene in my sister's driveway. My grandma didn't want to attend because she, as always, chooses sides and always sides with my three cousins. She only has the five grandchildren, but the three sisters are her pride and joy even though they treat her like crap. Anyway, I digress.

The day before my wedding my cousin who lives a couple of states away emails me and tells me what she thinks of me and what I did to her sister. She insulted me and laid into me about not inviting her sister to the wedding. She said I was selfish because I made my "wedding" all about me. I told her we eloped, but they refuse to accept it as an elopement. We were married and our May wedding was, "just for show".

I called my cousin and begged and pleaded that she please attend the May wedding and I must have asked for forgiveness about 20 times. Her only response, "It is what it is" and she refused to attend. By the way, she did drop off her mom and our grandma to my wedding. So she made sure she was seen.

Ever since all of this happened, the family doesn't talk. I should note that before all of this in April 2005 my cousin pulled me aside and told me that she, her sisters, her mom and grandma all think I'm the family bitch. She went on and on and needless to say, our evening out that night resulted in me walking out of the restaurant in tears and I wandered home. We didn't speak for awhile after that, but our other grandma had died and I had to pull it together for the funeral, etc. I didn't tell my sister and mom because I didn't want to cause the family stress, especially when my mom's mom had just died. Eventually my mom and sister figured out something was wrong in September 2005 and pulled it out of me. My cousin proceeded to go visit my parents and tell them how awful she thought I was and that I needed psych help.

There has been a lifetime of issues, but it's always things we overlook, smooth over or just wait out. This time, I didn't overlook it. I didn't smooth it over and I walked away. The family is freaking out. No one has apologized for any of their venomous words, however they want to go on like nothing has happened.

We all used to be very close and maybe that's what the problem really is. Sometimes familiarity breeds animosity.

Anyway, my grandma's 80th birthday is this September. The family that lives a few states away wants to have a big party for her. They just announced it will be in the same city I live in. My husband literally hates my cousin and considers her his enemy. My grandma has always had snide comments to say about my husband and therefore he's not too keen on seeing her again.

My parents want me to attend because it's my dad's mom, but I just don't think I can go through it. When my grandpa died in August, we flew home for the funeral (where most of them live) and the tension was just awful. If it hadn't been for the extended family and grandpa's friends there, I don't think we could have made it through.

It's so bad, we flew to the funeral and back the same day. And the flight is 3 1/2 hours each way. That's how bad it is.

Anyway, do my husband and I have to attend this birthday party for my grandma? Or do I have to attend? My sister and brother-in-law are considering going, but my sister is so mad at our cousins, aunt and grandma that she doesn't want to be around them. She said if she goes it will be for our parents, even though that side of the family has raked each of us over the coals for every infraction - real or imagined - these past 40 odd years.

Thoughts?

[MacMadame 81]

My family feuds all the time. My uncle didn't talk to my mom (his sister) for 15 years once and no one knows why. My sister didn't talk to my mom for 11 years. This is what I think about all family feuds:

1) Don't get involved.

2) Don't take sides

3) Don't engage

4) Make all plans as if there is no feud

So your cousin wants to give you crap about what you did? Don't engage. Tell them that you are sorry they are hurt, but it's not up for discussion. Then don't discuss it.

There is a family event and this one won't go if that one is there and that one won't go if this one is there? You aren't taking sides and it's not your problem. You invite everyone you want to be there and if they have issues with each other they can work it out between them.

If you love your Grandma, go to her birthday party. Have fun with the fun people and don't engage with the crazy people. If they start in on you at the party, tell them it's not the time and walk away.

You can't control other people but you can control yourself. That means taking the high road at all times and not letting crazy people drag you down to their level.

[Kat817 19]

I agree, I would go, and enjoy the family you do enjoy. Put on the biggest smile you have, do not let them think their attitude affects you at all! And if one of them especially the one cousin tried to bring it back up--I'd give her own words right back to her...."it is what it is-----and this marriage is damn good, I am happy I did it, and it is in the past, get over it!" Like you think SHE is psycho for still harping on the past! Then go have a piece of cake and give Granny a kiss on the cheek.

I could handle the family dissension concerning the wedding. What I would not, not for a fraction of a second put up with or stick around for is them belittling my DH. If and when someone said something negative about him. I would walk away that instant, and leave. Period. When Mom and Dad ask, I would tell them why, and that you will continue to do it, until your decisions as an adult are accepted. And if they cannot----then make a life with your DH, and make sure YOUR children are not subjected to the same life. You can make a family of your choosing. Not all "family" is blood related!

Good Luck!

Kat

[babs0101 1]

I feel totally different. I'm with Snap's DH. I wouldn't go. Even Granny was not kind as was stated. She can Celebrate her Birthday with her favorites. I see no need to make the event stressful and hurtful to you. Send a birthday card and leave it at that. IMHO

[Guest Leslie2Lose]

First of all your cousin is an idiot. The statement that caught my attention is making your wedding all about you. IT IS ALL ABOUT YOU!!! It is your day!!! Period.

If they don't like what you did then that is their problem. They had no right to get mad about a decision you made with your DH. It really doesn't involve them at all.

Now for their pettiness - live your life. Surround yourself with people you love and that love you. They are the ones that are missing out by living in the past. As for the party - if you want to go - go. If you think you are going to be miserable - send a card and your love. If you decide to go and there is a confrontation, tell them it isn't the place. The place was in May of 2006. If they had a problem with you having a wedding celebration two months after an elopement they should have taken it up with you then. Tell them to get over it. You are still married and love your husband. That's my two cents worth.

[newimage 2]

I agree with babs. Why go just to feel uncomfortable? If that's the way they want to treat eachother then screw them. You did what you and DH wanted to do and they should respect that. My DH and I stay away from drama. It's not worth it.

[luluc 6]

ya know i could go on & on & on with regards to family dramas, but i wont' cause everyone has them. when you marry & merge into another family dynamic ***and get to know THEIR dramas*** boy it can be entertaining as 'h'double hockey sticks' come the holidays.

i eloped to vegas in blue jeans & a tee; pretty sure DH had flip flops on - dunno. the main point is the Marriage - NOT the wedding. i had SO much pressure to have an obnoxious over the top wedding being the only daughter...but my parents knew me; that was not my style - i never "dreamed of the big day" the way many women do. i met the man of my dreams & could have cared less how/where - i just wanted to be his wife.

i wouldn't have traded that evening for anything, we still giggle that we filled out our application for marriage with a crayon.

my advise - i think more than anything you have to protect your relationship with your spouse as much as possible. that means considering his feelings when attending or not attending family functions where friction is. my husband has gone/done things on his own, as have i with regards to family - by in large we attend functions together, yet sometimes that's just not what the other wants & we have an agreement to hold no grudges....coming up on 9yrs - no issues w/how this works. i would "send" a gift with your regards - acknowleged the day, while preserving peace in your own home....

[Pix 4]

Family is a odd duck sometimes. I don't get along with over half of my family. I am the black sheep of the family, I haven't been arrested, I was never involved with ex-cons and I had my children after I got married. OH! Lets not forget I not only graduated HS, but college as well.

But they find the most retarded things to harp me about. I am not indian enough for them, I am to white like my mother (whom they adore by the way) or they harp on some other retarded shit. Like the fact I am tattooed, that is the big one right now. I am "evil", "whorish", and or (my favorite one) "condemned to hell for desecrating my body". This is from most of my moms family though, (the rich side) my dad's family I fit right in ROFL.

[MrsFlipFlops 2]

I don't know if this is good advice or not, but it's what I would do... My hubby and I eloped too... it was difficult for my family, but not to the magnitude that you described. There's only so much you can do before you realize your family is the one you and your husband build. It has taken me a while to realize that my husband should come first. Don't get me wrong, I am still very much involved in my extended families' lives, but I am learning that when I got married I made a committment to my husband and that takes precedence. So do you, you're important. I'd say if you and your hubby both don't want to go, then don't. Send a card, say you're sorry you'll miss it, then you and he go to a weekend away at a bed and Breakfast or something. Or you could go to it, but just make a short appearance before you and hubby hit the town,

[Snapdragon 0]

A BIG thank you to all of you for responding. I have read each and every response and my heart is touched. Thank you for the sound advice, wisdom and for sharing your experiences. It really struck a chord with me when some of you ladies wrote about considering my husband's feelings in all this. He doesn't want to go and I'm going to respect his wishes. I will send a card and my love and we will go away for the weekend. Excellent idea!

I was going to go to the birthday party, out of respect for my grandma and my dad (his mom), but after much thought, it's only going to make me uncomfortable and sick to my stomach and it will just detract from the celebration if there is tension in the room.

I love my extended family - I just don't like them much. You all are correct - family is what you make it and I've created a family with my husband and that should and will come first.

Thank you once again for the sound advice, the listening ear and the compassion. You have lightened my burden. I appreciate each of you.

[wickedme 0]

One thing I have learned about family drama is that no matter what you decided you can't go back on it once the event or whatever is over. If you choose not to go, don't regret it later. Call whoever is throwing the event, tell them you won't be attending, don't make excuses.. It is your body, mind and decision.. Send grandma a card and well wishes in the mail and pat yourself on the back for not letting them eat at your soul with their stupidness....

I am following this advice myself at the moment. I was invited to a party with some old friends, I didn't want to go because we are in different places in our lives and I don't want the drama. I had a list of excuses and realized how stupid I sounded saying them in my head..I called and said I would try to make it but had other responsibilities, have a wonderful time.. I have not heard from any of them, but feel really good that I didn't grovel, or go to the party with bad gut feelings and have something happen,, like my broken leg last year...

[Miss Michelle 1]

OMG, I think we might be related. Atleast it seems like we have the same family anyway, lol. OK, so none of my moms side of the family came to my wedding over stupid nonsence. It got so bad, my cousin, and best friend from birth sent her mom to call me to tell me that she was not going to be my maid of honor. At the end of the day, I spent more than a year not speaking to any of them. The thing is that weather you like them or not they will always be family. I say go if your mom wants you to, pretend that you are having a great time then leave early. Ignore all of them.

[Kat817 19]

Whatever your final choice, as has been pointed out, make it something you can live with, and look back on in years to come with no regrets.

If you want to go for your Grandmother, knowing she is old---and you might not have many other chances, then go, and to hell with those who are not speaking to you. Put on your biggest smile, hold hands with DH, spend a short while and leave.

If you can look back in a few years and it not bother you if this was in fact the last time you would have gotten to spend time with your Grandmother , that you did not go----then skip it all together.

Personally, I would go. That is just who I am. I would go, for my Grandmother, my parents, and myself. Not knowing what the future holds, I would go. I would expect DH to be with me! I would go and do the same for/with him----and chances are eventually you too will do something along these lines for him as well----it is the nature of life!

But when I went, I would have plans for something to do afterwards---I would go in, looking good, and feeling and acting cheerful, I would not be snobby---I would speak to them all---and not allow myself to be drug to their depths. I would not stand around and try to talk to them, letting them think I was kissing their butts----but instead just leave them wondering what in the heck was up with me! I would spend my time with my immediate family----then keeping it short and sweet, let it be known I have a reservation to make or whatever, and leave with a bounce in my step.

Always leave 'em wondering!!!!

Just how I would handle it--I have issues, that I know would make me feel guilty, and it would be better for me---not to have to deal with that too!!! Hopefully you are better adjusted than I!!!

Kat

[Pix 4]

Kat has a point too. I also go to family reunions when money allows. One thing I do that really REALLY leaves me feeling perky and the rude ones gaping is wish them all a pleasant day and tell them how happy I am to see them, and how wonderful it is to get to know family again after so long.

Leaves them floored and confused when their intended target is sooooo nice and pleasant and when they get snarky and rude I just smile and say some happy inane comment about how wonderful it is to be there then smile and walk away.

My mom loves it when I do that, cause it leaves her rich cousins all agape and drooling like infants at a milk factory.

[pennyt 14]

Family is a odd duck sometimes. I don't get along with over half of my family. I am the black sheep of the family, I haven't been arrested, I was never involved with ex-cons and I had my children after I got married. OH! Lets not forget I not only graduated HS, but college as well.

OMG, I could have written that! I always say that I'm the black sheep of my family because I can read.

Kat has a point too. I also go to family reunions when money allows. One thing I do that really REALLY leaves me feeling perky and the rude ones gaping is wish them all a pleasant day and tell them how happy I am to see them, and how wonderful it is to get to know family again after so long.

Leaves them floored and confused when their intended target is sooooo nice and pleasant and when they get snarky and rude I just smile and say some happy inane comment about how wonderful it is to be there then smile and walk away

My nieces' half-sister is one of those people who is not happy unless she is making other people as miserable as she is. I do the above to her, and it really ticks her off because it shows other people her true character and my true character. One niece's best friend kept going on and on about how wonderful and sweet I am, and psycho-wench just about had a heart attack in response. No one has ever accused her of being sweet and wonderful. Heck, no one has ever accused her of being anything but hateful, at least not in the last 25 years. I pity her, but she won't get help for her issues, and all of us (her half-sisters included) have decided that we don't have to put up with her if we don't want to do so.

For the OP, if you feel that you want to go, then go. If you don't feel up to putting up with those people, then don't go. Decide what is best for you and for your husband. Don't be guilted into going because other people feel that you should be there.

You need to put your husband first before these people. If you decide to go, even if for only a short visit, and your husband doesn't want to go, let him stay at home. When you leave, tell them that your husband is so wonderful that he has a special evening planned for you, and you need to leave so that you two can have that time together. (Even if the wonderful thing is just going to the grocery store together.)