trouble in paradise

[bbanded 0]

My life is overwhelming. I read post after post here and get a minute of relief or a stab of consideration for everyone who has gone through tough times. I know in my heart that I have much to be thankful for. But I am so tired of the fight! My whole life I have not cared whether I lived or died. I drank, smoked, did drugs, broke laws, ate to die, and was ready to go at anytime. Then I had my kids (3 natural, 2 step) and I quit everything risky. I got this band and for the first time I said aloud, "I want to live longer". I am setting myself up to live a longer life, but mentally I don't know if I can do it. I know this is depression talking. I am on meds and have been for years. I have the most supportive family and friends. I work at a mental health clinic so I get to talk with specialists all day everyday. I am still in a funk and it's lasted prob. 30 of my 38 years. I'm tired of it. I will have to pick myself up by the bootstraps and kick this bout of the downers, but this morning it seems like too much work. Maybe I should quit kicking myself, put a smile on, and go help some people who really have problems!!! EXACTAMONDO...see you around, fellow bandsters.ps-this whining might be due to my fill app't. tomorrow & the fact that I have not lost an ounce since my last fill 2 months ago!! (whoops!!)bbanded (begin 235 lb. current 205 lb. goal 145 lb.)

[mom2twins 0]

I agree that having kids does change your outlook. I was the same way and even got more depressed when they had to save my life and let my first daughter die instead. You say that you are around and talk to mental health doctors all day long, but do you have one that is just for you? If you are on meds for depression and know that you are having these feelings of wanting to die you need to have a doctor that sets aside one hour (or more) a week just for you to follow you and help with all of your concerns. Life is not easy, family and friends are not easy, and Lord knows KIDS ARE STRESSFUL. You have done a wonderful thing by getting the band and wanting to live for your family. Take the next step and make sure that you get the help that you need to change your thinking (this takes time also), after years of giving up it takes time to change old thoughts like old habits. I hope I helped a little.

[bbanded 0]

thank you, sherry, for your wise words! You sound like you got the jist of my message. It is true that although I work around the smartest docs I don't see a therapist for me. I will look into setting up an app't. and begin working towards a better outlook instead of looking for a quik fix. (I know from experience that this does not work!) I think by writing instead of just reading on this forum I will be forced to deal with my moods instead of acknowledge and dismiss! Thanks again for holding me responsible for me!bbanded

[Nanook 2]

bbanded,

I'd just go back to a new psych and make sure the depression diagnosis is correct and that you're put on the right medication. Sometimes they can confuse being bipolar with depression and vice versa and you need the correct meds. And if you've been on meds for a long time they might want to switch the med or up your dosage, good luck to you Nanook:smile:

[bbanded 0]

thanks,nanook. I think you are right on the mark! Ever since I've been banded it seems that my moods are more irratic. My family is so forgiving (enabling?!?!) of my manic times and my down times that I don't deal with it. I will do everyone the favor and check it out w/ my doc! I am feeling better today, even though the day is grey & rainy. I am looking forward to my fill and not being hungry for awhile. Thanks for the caring words, I know that the band is a miracle, and I have to work on the rest!!! bbanded

[1bayougirl 0]

Thank Heavens I found you !!!:ohmy: Can My mind meds "cymbalta" be causing me to NOT LOOSE weight? :confused:I have been stagnant for about 3 months now and am getting frustrated. They weaned me off of one med while building me up to the cymbalta (my miracle med).

As for moods, I am blessed. My husband had been very prepared to handle mood changes, a nd body image, and has been extremely devoted.

Now if I could only get my eating and moods straight!:smile2:

[Sunwyse 1]

I don't think its just depression that you are battling or needing to work through. It sounds like a life time of a certain way of thinking about yourself and probably stems from your childhood. Have you seen a counsellor for your own personal issues, not just the clinical/medical side of depression, but for your emotional well-being?

I don't have children, but I've had a life time of thinking I'm basically worthless and fighting depression, since I was 13 (now 41). I've been suicidal too many times to count and attempted a few. I was terrified of living, almost had a death wish, yet was even more terrified of dying. I'm waiting to see a psyche to see if I'm bipolar or what the hell I am and to do something about it. I'm also thinking of going to another counsellor to finally deal with my personal issues.

When I was a child I was abused by my mother's second husband. It affected me all my life, to the point it now interferes in my sex life with my partner. I know its had something to do with my weight issue, besides the PCOS and my bad choices in relationships. Its also why I've found it so hard to trust anyone or connect to anyone.

I think it all had a lot to do with the depression on and off over the years, but not all of it, sort of a contributing factor really. I'm just telling you this, because I think there might be something else behind the depression and if you could see someone to speak with, you might be able to find out what it is and heal.

[1bayougirl 0]

Thank you for your reply. I truly appreciate your openness. I have been to counselors many times since the end of my previous marriage for both family and some personal. I had a professional dieter for a birth mother and was on diet pills as early as the 4th grade because, "NO CHILD OF MINE WILL BE FAT" truth is I was put on thyroid meds and diet pills (amphetimens were legal then). TRY weaning a kid off those ( my poor dad). WE now have a good relationship.

It really messed up my metabolism. I had a couple of step fathers-one abusive. I was a ""favorate". I realy relate to adding weight as a "protective layer" from men. I have fought depression for most of my adult life.

I am in a good place now. With a husband who adores me and builds me up, a wonderful church, and my children are older and getting independent.

My husband is more understanding than most because his previous went through gastric bypass and he was there for that and the plastic surgery afterwards. He was here before my surgery and even told me to expect the body image and mind games. I am blessed to have him. He loved me 45 pounds ago and loves me now. I can honestly say it is unconditional.

I just need to break this cycle!

Edited July 26, 2008 by 1bayougirl

[bbanded 0]

Thank you Sunwyse and bayougirl for sharing, it is getting a bit freaky in this forum that more people who have the issues with obesity and self esteem issues have been molested years ago. I guess it was apparent in my message that I am suffering. I was molested by nearly every male (and some females) in my family beginning at age 4 to 24. It was such a huge part of my life that I normalized it and didn't even consider myself a victim until I remarried and my wonderful husband put the pieces of my scattered puzzle of a life together and set me straight. I remember him saying all the time, "That's Not Normal!" And I finally believed him. Then I had a nervous breakdown over it! I ended up in the nut hut on a 72 hour hold and THAT changed my life!!! I learned I had PTSD and I learned IT WASN'T MY FAULT!!!That was 4 years ago and it has been a slow climb outta the hole of depression I had dug for myself. I still jump in there from time to time but at least I'm not trying to fill it in with me in it anymore!!!! The overeating, exercising, lapband, and sliming are really the least of my worries. They are a great distraction though!!! Now I just have to quit using my past as a reason not to live. Thank you all for reminding me of what is REALLY important. Hope you all have a good day! bbanded