she's trying to kill my mother

[VegasGrace 1]

Need advice. What to do!

Situation is my mother is on hospice and will die soon. She has the hospital bed, special potty, scooter/wheelchair, bipac or bipap machine, oxygen tanks...the works! My mom owns her own home (the state will take it now-medicaid)

My oldest sister was accused by one of my other sisters of taking mom's meds and cash from her while visiting. Seems meds went missing often and it was noticed after this oldest sister left...noticed by the next nurse that night.

I didn't NOT believe it...but just let it go. I don't know who did what and I love all my sisters.

Well, mom's in the hospital .... again. We are being told she can't be left alone-at all. She needs someone 24/7. So, I get someone-they can be there in 2 days. (18 year old daughter driving from Vegas to NC)

Well, while I was on the phone w/ mom in the hospital THEY came to get her...the nursing home people. One of my sisters was there and the story is told that she jumped on mom's bed and said NO-you are not taking her.

After a few threatening phone calls...threatening to sue 'em (mom is not incapacitate-she's not incompetent..she's just bedridden but alert and thinking for herself...she is!

They didn't take her to the nursing home. Mom's getting discharged later in the day.... I was asked to call the home health care people who sends out the supplies to make sure they deliver oxygen....

I'm told that " [oldest sister who wants her in a nursing home] called this morning and put an order in for us to come pick up the equipment this afternoon"

WHAT!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Mom's bed/oxygen...everything.

That sister was also in the process of cleaning out mom's house.

HALT!

I stopped the order for pickup.

I called the hospital and another sister answered...I said "Ask mom if [oldest sister]'s name is on the deed or has any claim to the property"

Mom says no.

I say what's the motive for my oldest sister to do this? She knows putting mom in a nursing home will cause her to die faster.

Fast forward to today.... on the phone with another sister and learn that my oldest sister is in a financial bind AND has a life insurance policy on mother.

BINGO!

Light bulb moment {missing pills/taking stuff from the house/nursing home}

My sister is trying to kill my mother.

What do I do? What can I do?

[Laurinda 1]

This is a BAD situation and I am so sorry your in it! Is there any way your mother can move in with you or another family member? I know when my father was in Hospice he was here in my home until the last few weeks and we could not care for him, he went to the hospice hospital.

It's so very sad that times of crisis seem to bring out the negative side in family members. Personal opinion 1) your mother does not need to have her home left alone at any time 2) as much as I know ya'll don't want to, someone if not all of you need to confront the one sister that is causing problems. I hope ya'll can work it out because you guys need to be strong for each other.

Good-luck to you and I am so sorry for your mom's health and the grief you are going through from all directions.

[plain 12]

Not to sound indelicate here, Grace, because I know that this is a very painful time for you, but....people are generally only referred and accepted by hospice if they are expected to die in about 3 months. So....probably the nursing home will not make her physical condition worse (in fact, it might be a comfort to your mom to have trained staff available around the clock...IDK). The fact is, if your mom still has all her mental faculties, then your sister (or you for that matter) cannot make any decisions for her, legally speaking. If her mental condition changes, then the person who has medical power of attorney will make the decisions. If your mom hasn't granted power of attorney (financial) and medical power of attorney (medical) to anybody yet, now would be a good time for you to talk to your mom and find out who she wants to perform these functions for her. Hopefully, it'll be you.

Also, IDK about Vegas, but in Texas, if a hospice patient is admitted into an acute care hospital, it automatically terminates hospice care. That could possibly account for all the equipment pickup hoopla. Hope some / any of this helps.

[Nanook 2]

I'm not an expert on the matter but when you have a situation like this it's good to involve a lawyer. Does your mother have a will drawn up, does anyone have power of attorney. Even if your mother is not on her death bed these things need to be dealt with in some way legally and if you feel one sibling is not thinking in her best interest I think you may have to get an attorney so that someone is thinking in your mother's best interest. Nanook.

I was one of five kids who had power of attorney when my father was moving from his apartment to an assisted living facility and it can get very complicated. There are people out there who can help you.

[ELENATION 0]

I'm sorry I can't offer much advise, but wanted to let you know that I'm sorry about your mom and what you are going through, it is indeed so sad that someone is capable of doing this.... I really hope everything works out, my heart goes out to you.

[mamato3 1]

How are things working out? I didn't read this post until today. Could you possibly request to speak with a social worker at the hospital and they could help you get adult protective services involved?

I hope things are going better. I know this must be a stressful time for you. I'm sorry for what you are going through.

[Teachlady 3]

Not to sound indelicate here, Grace, because I know that this is a very painful time for you, but....people are generally only referred and accepted by hospice if they are expected to die in about 3 months. quote] Not so anymore. The diagnosis must be terminal, but no time limit is placed on it. My dad was in hospice for a year and a half.

[luluc 6]

some simple things to find out:

does your mom have a will/living will?

does she have a power of attorney?

is there an executor of her estate?

has she been declared incompetant?

as teachlady stated - hospice care does not necessarily mean death immediately... i handled my GGrandmother's estate & she managed 2+yrs in hospice..there is an awful lot to handle - even when things are spot on, your best bet it to involve legal intervention & get a patient advocate for the hospice on your side.

good luck,

[Boo Boo Kitty 3]

Not to sound indelicate here, Grace, because I know that this is a very painful time for you, but....people are generally only referred and accepted by hospice if they are expected to die in about 3 months. quote] Not so anymore. The diagnosis must be terminal, but no time limit is placed on it. My dad was in hospice for a year and a half.

Hospice care is for a disease or illness that is terminal, but expected to last 6 months or less. But because of the way things run their course different in each person it can last much longer. But generally hospice is fofr 6 months or less. The anticipation is 6 months or less but can be more.

But Grace, there are things that you can do in this case. The first thing is to get together with your other sisters and get power of attorney. You need to do this with haste. Once your sister begins to make decisions she will set precendence. You can not let that happen.

I agree to check and see if your mother has a living will, or living trust. Does she have a DNR or other orders? You need to know all of these things.

I am getting my degree in Human Aging and deal specifially in these things. They can be very tricky when it comes to family, good luck!

[plain 12]

Does she have a DNR

I thought you had to have a DNR to be admitted to hospice (of course, I thought 3 months was about the hospice limit, so...).

[Pix 4]

6 months and terminal illness with 0-6 months left.

DNR is moot and most people with terminal illness's tend to cancel out any standing DNR's they have. Especially if they are endstage.

Now I said most people, its general rule of thumb not the actual rule.

[MrsFlipFlops 2]

I just wanted to toss is my two cents, I'm very sorry to hear this is all happening to you.

I agree with the POA-- make sure you get POA for both medical and financial set up. They can be the same person, but it's best if they're not.

Good luck.