Friends?! :-(

[serenity55 15]

I have mentioned to several friends that I’m getting the lap band, or at least, that I was looking in to it. Most of my friends have been very supportive, though a few have expressed concern about the procedure. The majority of these have been open to hearing what I’ve been learning, and while they still would prefer that I “just try to do it on my own” they are very loving.

I do have one friend who is also a coworker, who said from the beginning that she thought this was “risky” and that she “didn’t want to lose me.” I told her I’d been doing research, and while she didn’t comment on that, she did tell me of all the things she’s done to try to lose weight. I don’t know her weight history, but I feel fairly certain that she hasn’t had to struggle the way I have. So I dropped the subject and continued doing research.

Last Monday, this woman’s boyfriend came by my office to say hi, which he’s done before. My best friend was also there, making calls for me regarding insurance. After my best friend left, this guy asked if I was all right, and I told him about wanting the lap band. He said, “It’s risky, Debbie.” I said that I thought it was more risky keeping all the weight I had, and that I didn’t like it.

Imagine my surprise when I went to a web site both my friend and I belong to, and she had started a thread called “Supporting a friend.” When I saw the title I had a sneaking suspicion it was about me, and I was right. She did not mention my name, and I guess she felt safe because I haven’t visited that site for quite a while. She told the members that she thought she’d talked me out of “it” but “a friend” told her that I was still going through with it. Quite a few of the people who responded knew someone who had had the surgery, and, though a couple of people knew someone who was doing fine, a lot of them said someone they’d known had died, from some complication. One person even said someone had died during or after having plastic surgery, I can’t quite remember. I think there was only one person who simply said they knew someone who’d had weight loss surgery and was doing fine. People seemed to think it was a “Quick fix” and that “if you just work at it” it would be better than having a surgeon “cut you open.” A lot of them just said, “Just tel her you love her,” or words to that effect. I got the impression that most of them were thinking of gastric bypass and not lap band surgery.

I guess the reason I’ve gone on about this is, first of all, although I did not say this woman’s boyfriend couldn’t tell, I’m a little annoyed that he did. As I write this, I see that I really can’t be mad, well, I shouldn’t be, maybe is a better way to put it. And I’m bothered by my “friend” going to a site and posting this even if she didn’t give my name. My first reaction was the respond and tell them all that she was talking about me. Then I thought I should just call her and confront her, and now I think I’ll just not say anything until she brings it up and let her know that I saw the thread. I also want to let her boyfriend know what she’s done, though she may have told him.

Sorry this is so long, and thank you if you were able to get through it.

What do you think? Opinions, please!

[kkarryall 0]

While I think it is important to be open about the surgery to some, I think it is equally important for it to be a private journey. I have learned through my experience getting the band; its wonderful when your friends and family are supportive. But on the other hand---I told all of my extended family--and I have a big family--aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins, etc.--now when I go to see them I feel self-consciious bc everyone is looking me up and down to see how much weight I have lost. And sometimes I feel like if they do say soemthing--e.g., "you look great"--they are saying it only bc they feel obligated to SAY something!! It is a bit frustrating....

My advice to you is--if you get the idea that a friend or family member might be unsupportive---don't tell. And as for your unsupportive friends that you have already told, just stop discussing it with them. It is your decision. They most likely will NOT see your point of view---untill they see you after surgery when you have done well, of course :party:

[neverB4 2]

My closest friend supports me 100%. She even sends me cards on the mail to congratulate and encourgae me. My second closest friend didn't say much when I told her I was getting the band. And here 10wks after, she still doesn't say much to me. I see her twice a wk and maybe once in a while she'll say "you're looking good". It could be the personalities, but to me, complete 180's between the both. So I keep #1 updated even when she doesn't ask, and #2 only when she does. No biggy but a surprise! I do have 2 friends who keep drilling me about my weight loss but til yet, I don't care to tell them. They're the "hey my friend" in your face until you turn your back....I just don't want to hear about their snickering, at least not right now. I image though, they keep drilling, they'll find out eventually, from me or someone else...who cares!

[CMTurner 0]

I too have that one friend. She says things like "I am just sooo worried about you" and "I am worried about you because you are always sick and having problems". I wanna say "yeah because I am so over weight" and "hopefully this will help with all those problems that make me feel bad all the time". Part of me feels she is saying these things out of real concern but another part of me thinks she is saying them because she will be losing "the fat girlfriend". My friend is very "looks consious" (sp?) and LOVES to be the center of attention when we all go out. I don't hold this against her (especially as she went through some bad abuse when she was younger) and I love her as my friend no matter what.

I met my friend when I came to TN to meet my now DH and they used to be friends but now my DH can hardly stand to be around her (for lots of reasons....she is fairly loud, and it seems everything is about her, and she seems to go through a lot of men). I still value her friendship for what it is and have just decided to take her concern for what it hopefully is...real concern for my health and welfare and if it turns out to be any other way, I guess I will deal with that when/if it happens.

I hope 1 or 2 peoples attitudes and concerns don't stop you from researching and deciding for yourself what you need to do for you. I know I haven't let it stop me. I go tonight for my sleep study and do my upper GI first thing in the morning.

Hope I didn't ramble too much.

[dwrd73 0]

What's the other forum where your friend posted? Perhaps banders from this site will respond to your friend's thread and mention all the positive results that came from being banded.

Continue doing your research and make your final decision based on what's best for you. It's your life and your body.

[daisybug 0]

Hi Debbi,

It really sounds like your friend is genuinely "concerned" but I am willing to bet that most of those people posting on that site are totally UN-informed as to what you are doing. Just stay POSITIVE about yourself and try not to let the negative comments get to you. It's so important to do TONS of research about Lap band. I bet a million dollars that all those people haven't a clue about what you are doing. They read the news and hear about weight loss surgery when in fact it's probably BYPASS surgery they are mostly hearing/reading about.

Just do your thing girl! Don't lose your friend over it.. but I totally understand why you would be upset over the post she made.

best of luck to you!!!

278/230/180

[gina s. 0]

Just do what you feel is right for you....if she's really your friend, she'll be there through it all anyway.

[serenity55 15]

Thank you everyone. Cindy, like you, I want to believe that my friend is genuinely concerned, but there is part of me that has to wonder. If I lose weight, that will be one less thing for me to confide to her, and she’s the kind of person who 1. likes to be right about things, and 2. thinks of me as a kind of little sister and I need guidance. Daisybug, I think you’re right; most of the people on that site are uninformed and think that I’m referring to gastric bypass. Karryall, I have read about people saying the same thing you did about people watching to see if you’re doing well, and wondering just how sincere they are. I hope I don’t come across that, but it’s definitely a possibility .

I’m not going to let their opinions, or anyone else’s, stop me from getting banded

Unfortunately, the web site is one where you can’t get on as a guest, at least I don’t think you can. But I really appreciate the support I’m getting here. At first I thought it was funny that she posted this; then I got a little angry. Now, I think I’ll just wait to see if she brings it up, and I’ll tell her that I saw her thread. And I’m definitely going to talk to her boyfriend!

[Spiffytif21 0]

Love this post!!!

I, too, have had many people give me 'the look' when I reveal that I'm having lap-band surgery to assist with my weight loss. Most think I'm scheduling a death sentence, or I won't be normal ever again. Some are supportive, some are curious, and several have gastric bypass confused for lapband. Lack of knowledge is the culprit for all of these people.

I believe I'll be fine as long as I listen to my doctor and follow his advice. It's for my own sake.

Personally, I have heard of a few people having issues with their band (never heard of anyone dying from it).. and those people didn't follow directions. They ate 'real' food too soon.. they tried to do too much physical activity too fast.. or they weren't mental set for the post-op phase.

Use the words of others to fuel your fire to prove to them this choice is a great choice!

Best of Luck!

[serenity55 15]

Great response, Tiffanie. thank you for the last words. I'll remember and use them

Thank you very much!.

[flowers 0]

My parents are very skinny and have trouble making themselves eat. So you can imagine their answer was just to diet and use will power.

I went ahead with it. I think all you can do is show them with results. Sometimes people will sabatoge your efforts. For whatever reason they dont want you to be the person you can be with the band. You just have to turn a deaf ear. I know I would have been hurt to have a friend post a thread about me, Iv been hurt more than several times by things that happened online and now learned not to share personal things.

[aprilapple 1]

my dear friend that has had a bypass gave me this advice when it comes to talking to people that are not supportive: "stop having that conversation with that person". It worked for me.

[HeatherO 7]

I would not worry too much about the thread if she cares about you and was just putting something out there that she wanted to open for discussion as long as she did not identify you.

As far as complications are concerned, I know plenty of people who have had severe complications with bypass or who have regained their weight. I can't say the same for lapband. This is the reason why I decided R&Y was not for me. I think for most people who do not suffer from obesity, they only hear anecdotal things about wls which tend to be more negative than positive and not much differentiation between band and bypass.

My band is a secret to everyone except for my husband. If I feel the need to share later, I will. I just don't want people watching my every bite or offering up opinions this early in the game. For now, this is my journey with my husbands support plus everyone on the forums of course . . . and that is enough. :0)

[serenity55 15]

Thank you Flowers, aprilapple and HeatherO. I think I’m just going to let it go, or at least, as your friend said, aprilapple, stop, or in this case, just not have the conversation. I’m still a little angry but there’s really nothing I can do about it, and I just have to stay focused on what I want, and what I know is healthy for me.

I really appreciate the support. Thanks again to you all.