I never thought it would happen to me.....

[JennyLynn 0]

I haven't posted in a while.... I feel like I need support now more than ever. I was banded April of 2008 and have been doing really well. I have lost about 47 pounds so far. (Yeah me) I have been married almost 13 years and have a wonderful 12 yr old son. I just found out a few weeks ago that my husband had an affair with one of my closest relatives. I am devistated to say the least. I never thought I had to worry about this with him. The worst part of it is that I had taken in my cousin as she was having problems and I was trying to help her out. I completely trusted both of them... they were the two closest people in my lives. My world has been shaken and turned upside down. The affair happened two years ago according to them but last month while she was in my home there was kissing going on between them while my son was home and I was at work. My cousin decided to call me at work and confess.... I was in total shock and denial. I have been getting counseling from the doctor who did my psych eval and that has been helping a great deal. I have been really doing some soul searching and have decided to end my relationship and have started looking into a divorce. My husband says he soooo sorry and he would never do it again. He told me he was on drugs at the time and they were affecting his decision making. (the drugs were another suprise!) I am trying to do the best that I can but something in me just wants to eat and eat to comfort myself. I am having a hard time finding things to fill my time since I cannot eat like I used to. I am scared to be alone, I am scared that I will never find another relationship... I am scared that no one will want me because of my weight.... I am just having real self esteem issues right now. I have been with my husband for so long I just dont know if I can do it on my own.... I have never lived alone before. Well, sorry for rambling, I just needed to get this off my chest!

[armywife4life 0]

ohh girl i am sooo sorry. Stay strong, and do not stay with your husband because you are afraid you won't find someone else. You are beautiful person, you will lose the weight, and you will find someone who will NEVER cheat on you. You have a son, and you don't want him to think that cheating in a realationship is okay. Its horrible that he had to witness his dad kissing your cousin. Stay strong girl, don't eat. Instead start thinking about the NEW life you want to make for yourself, get out their and take some walks, you can do this. Stay strong Girl!!

[JennyLynn 0]

Thanks Armywife.... I really appreciate the words of encouragement...it means a lot. Sometimes I feel really confident that I can do this and other times I am scared to death! Its like a daily roller coaster ride. One day at a time I guess :party:

[auntlucy 22]

JennyLynn, I am so sorry to hear that! I'm sure it's hard enough to find out your husband has had an affair, but when you find out it's with someone who's also close to you, that pain must be compounded. And then to also find out that drugs are involved. I can't even begin to imagine what you must be feeling.

Good for you...getting the counseling you need to work through this. Try to focus on what's best for you and your son right now. Don't worry about the future right now. Just take things day by day until you make your decision.

[MacMadame 81]

Your husband's explanations make no sense. He was on drugs and that effected his decision-making abilities? Well what about now? He claims not to be on them now, but he was kissing this woman in front of your son. So either he's still on drugs or his decision-making abilities have always been poor.

If it was really a long-time over thing, maybe I could see it, but he's trying to have his cake and eat it too. He wants you to forgive him but he's not willing to take responsibility for what he did (it was the drugs, not me!) and yet is still doing.

Anyway, if you are getting divorce, you know this....

For things to do to fill in your time, you could try researching all about divorce and also you need to start moving some money into accounts in your name only and a few things like that. Divorce can actually keep you quite busy.

As for men wanting you, even if you never lose another pound, there are men who will love you for you. My dh proposed when I was over 200 lb. and didn't bat an eye when I lost 70 for the wedding, then gained it all back and then some. He loves me no matter what weight I am and there are plenty more out there like him.

[Miss_strait 0]

Jenny, I am so sorry that all of this has been handed to you!! I am glad that you are see a counselor!! Make sure you keep seeing him. You might suggest to your husband that he get in to counseling too. Sounds like he needs it more than you do. When you feel like eating something, maybe you and your son could go for a walk, and enjoy a little together time. And I sure wouldn't worry about finding someone new. I have seen your picture and you are beautiful!!! Have you ever gone to the chat room? It is alot of fun, and it keeps you busy. That chat room has saved me during this pre op diet. Please just remember that this is not your fault. Don't let the stupid things he has done...ruin your new life. You deserve to be healthy. And remember If God bring you to it....he will bring you through it!!! And in the end, you will be a much stonger person.

[Abq RN 0]

Let me just say (as a married man) that there is NO EXCUSE!!!! for what he did to you. it sucks even more that he would do this while you are so vulnerable. as my wife will attest after her first broken marriage, "once you know you can cross the line it is much easier the second time"

. hay..that rhymes! if he was willing to break your trust the first time he is more likely to do it again. as a coping tool you might look into meditation. it has helped me through some very tough times. i hope you keep your chin up and remember this was HIS screw up, not yours. it is very common to feel insecure, unloved and unattractive after this kind of violation of trust. don't let his poor representation of manhood ruin your successes!

[MyMeshelle 2]

Wow hang in there!! You have a friend here in Vegas if you need to take off for a weekend and come here to sort your thoughts!! You will find someone so dont stay in a relationship thinking you wont find another... You are still young and beautiful!!

Edited July 13, 2008 by MyMeshelle

[*susan* 1,709]

I am so sorry this has happened to you. I know how devastating it is to learn that two people whom you trust more than anyone have hurt you in the worst possible way. My first marriage ended after I learned my then husband and best friend were having an affair behind my back.

Like MacMadame said, regardless of what you look like, there are wonderful men out there who will love you for you. My current husband fell in love with me when I weighed 250 pounds.

I am not sure if you have already found this site or not, but if not, please check it out. It is called surviving infidelity and offers some great support and advice. The link is SurvivingInfidelity.com - Support for those affected by Infidelity=

My thoughts are with you.

[BarbBee 1]

Hi Jenny Lynn,

My heart goes out to you. What you are going through is very painful. Good for you for putting some counselling support in place. If you can... just take things one day at a time. I know everything it must seem so incredibly overwhelming right now. You do not deserve to have been treated that way. Once trust has been broken it is very hard to get past that. I hope your husband gets some help to deal with his stuff. You deserve to be cherished and loved. Take good care of yourself and know that we are here to support you.

Big hug,

Barb

[Busy296 1]

So so very sorry. Before I lost weight or even really overweight, I found out my x husband had 3 affairs on me with 2 small children 4 & 3. I had always suspected he was a dog and drank heavy. Well I was in denial. But when it was real and I found out really, I said get out. I was a stay home mom with him living check to check. I kicked him out with no income and barely any from him with all his habits, there was not much left. I freaked the next day with reality. When I met him I moved here with no family, and they are the type , they have there own problems. I lived through it. Made it big time with little education, high school only. I would scream at night on my bed crying when my kids went to sleep. Scared to death I would be in the homeless shelter with them. He also got together with one of the bimbos. Telling them it was ok to call her mom, so hurtful. He would tell them , oh come live with daddy !!!. Scared them horrible. But to the end of this story, I have a great great job paying like wow...My kids are grown , one is a cop after going in the marines, one is going to be an electriction. Lots of counseling....for us. Non for the father no doubt. I prayed, and trust me , there were times when I wanted bad things to happen to him. Now I have peace, I was overweight, I have the lap-band . Things are great. My kids love me, hate there dad. I never wanted them to. I tryed to talk to them, saying no 1 is perfect, to try with him , they are all grown now. He missed out , owing over $20,000.00 child support. I missed out alot on my kids fun, cause of stress with no money and worries. You will make it. You will find that person. He is almost homeless and has been fired on almost every job.What goes around does come around!!!

[Northwest_Nance 0]

Wow I'm so sorry you are going through this, and just at a time when you have taken steps towards a healthier and happier life. First of all I think your cousin was very selfish to call you at work to confess -- that was all about her, not you. And I agree with your other noters, your husband has no excuse and should just take responsibility for his actions. I'm all in favor of doing everything you can to make a marriage work but I doubt I would be able to trust him again and you are probably doing the right thing to move on. You have a lot of good things ahead of you, keep on being good to yourself and stay on your healthy path. You'll look back on this from a much happier place down the road.

[libra 13]

Sorry to hear that you've been going through this. I know it isn't easy but I hope you find the strength to get through it. Try and remember that your choices end up being lessons for your child.

[Carrie D. 0]

I'm very sorry you're going through this. I've been right where you are with 3 small children and no job to boot. I was scared to death and very, very hurt. I made it and have a great man (who has had to jump through a lot of hoops to help rebuild my trust). I'm glad you're in counseling and you're headed in the right direction. It's painful and takes time, but you WILL get there and be healthy and happy for you and your child.

I remember this quote that sums it up very nicely...

"No man is worth your tears and the one who is, won't make you cry."

[Laurinda 1]

Bless your heart I am so sorry! I agree that is was pretty crappy for your cousin to call you at work AND your husband said he was SOOOO sorry and it won't happen again yet there was kissing going on while your child was sleeping and you were at work?!?

By all means if you think the marriage can be saved then fight for it tooth and nail....but if you don't....close this chapter in your life and move forward! NO ONE has the right to cause you to have negative feelings about yourself! YOU caused none of this. A grown adult in a relationship has responsibilities and one of them are to walk away from temptation. If a person is not happy in their relationship they need to end it before engaging in selfish acts that affect others around them (drinking, drug use, affairs) Good-Luck to you!