He loves me, He loves me not

CaramelDiva1922 · May 17, 2005

Okay,

I have posted on here before about my boyfriend, and his obnoxious ways. Well were at it again. This time it is so big that I am not sure that we can recover. My Bf made a remark about my past to me during a heated argument. "The best that you could get was a Momma's Boy, because you wanted to bully him." The discussion started with me expressing my feelings to him, and how his actions play a role in my feelings, and how he makes me confused. I told him that he does things that makes me feel as though he doesnt respect me as a person. Like talk over me while I'm talking, or cut me off, or change the subject, that he doesn't listen to me, he's judgemental and other things as well. Because he says one things, but his actions contradict what his words say. So I asked him, "Do I listen to what you say or do? I never got an answer from him. The feelings that I expressed to him I also gave him 3 examples for each one that happened at various times to help him understand that this is a pattern. I was so shocked and hurt by the comment. All I heard was the first part, not the bullying part, but the best that you can do. I immediately felt insulted and extremely hurt. I am really a closed person, and this is the first man in a long long time that I did open up myself to, and allow myself to be vulnerable. The day after the argument we had another discussion, and I told him how hurt that I was. He did immediately apoligized, and then explained that it wasn't meant the way that I took it. And I could understand how he meant it. I told him that because of all the feelings that I had that I needed a week, 7 days away from him. I was so hurt by the comment that I wanted to break it off at the moment, but I love this man, and know that this decision will not be an easy one, so I asked for the time to really think about us, and where we are. I am still hurt by the comment, but understanding what he meant, and what I hear are conflicting. I asked for time last thrusday this is tuesday. I went away for the weekend, and had several calls, and yesterday he called like 5 or 6 times, and I didn't answer the phone. My head is saying leave him, he can't even respect you enough to give you some time, but my heart is saying maybe he misses you , and wants to talk to try to work this out. I don't know what to do. Everytime the phone rang all I could hear was him saying"The best that you could do", and I get so mad. I am mad at myself because normally I have a wall around my heart, and my feelings. But with this man I let it crumble, and I let him in, and I am so mad at myself for allowing him into my heart to hurt me, and at the same time I don't want to be without him either. Over the weekend I did decide that I would ask him to tell me ways in which that he has shown me that he respects me. Because although he says that he does, I could not come up with one time that he has shown me.

I feel like this relationship is just starting all over again. I was at a point where I was willing to divulge my entire past to this man, and now I am reluctant to tell him anything for fear that I will get slapped with it later on.

I don't know what to do, and advice input would be appreciated. How do I get past this.

La_madam · May 17, 2005

One thing my husband and I have leaned through all of the years together, is that you can never take back something you said in the heat of an argument, thewords are never forgotten, they may be forgiveable but not forgotten. If you say something hurtful you meant it, because you thought it enought to blurt it out. So we both have worked very hard to think before we blurt out things in the heat of an argument and have been very successful at it. Maybe put it outto him like that, that you need to not make hurtful comments during the heat of an argument. Those hurtful words are never forgotten. I can not tell you to stay or leave this man , that is a decision only you can make, you have to decide if this is how you want to be treated. I'm sure you will make the right deicsion either way. Best of Luck

the best me · May 17, 2005

I'm so sorry. A hurtful relationship is a very difficult thing. One thing that helped me, back in the day when I had a "not so hot" BF realationship, was visualizing myself with him 10+ years down the road, maybe with a child or two coming up...do i want to be having arguments with this man about how what he says to me makes me feel? Do I want to continually be on a roller coaster ride of emotions? Do I want to raise a child up teaching him or her that this is a normal healthy relationship? Is it? NO.

Think of what life COULD be like. Security. Acceptance. Safety. Privacy. Love.

NOT petty arguments, mundane issues, insecurity, drama, issues, loss, mistrust, fear.

Just because you love him doesn't mean you have to build a future with him. Just because he loves you doesn't mean he's the husband of you future and father of your children. Loving someone really has nothing to do with a long-tem committed relationship. It just means you love each other. Right now. If it isn't right for you (and you KNOW whether or not it is) move along, get over it, get through it. You can survive without all this fuss.

Another thought. Careful not to put all of you into a man. Whoever he is, he's just a man. When you make those little fellas your saviors, they let you down. But a good one will hug you and nurture you and cherish you in ways you can't imagine. And it's SOOOOOO wonderful. And worth the wait. I can't imagine what that old BF could do for me now that my hubby does. There is no comparison in the quality of man and relationship. I'm so glad I let the old go. It's much quieter inside. Peacefulness is good.

CaramelDiva1922 · May 17, 2005

I think that you both are right. The weird thing is this is the 1st man that I have allowed into my heart in 5 yrs, and maybe that's why it hurts so bad. I was in a domestic relationship with my daughters father, and that didn't pain me as much as this does. Because I didn't love him, and I never allowed him into my heart. The catcher is that my bf, his attitude, the things that he has said, and done. Are things that I did to other male companions before him, all those men that I dated, and never really let it in were treated the way that I feel treated now. Damn Karma. I decide that 2005 would be the year that I foucs on me. I have taken care of everyone in my family for so long, that I was neglecting myself. So this year I began to make some changes, and dig deep into my past, and how it relates to me now. I have dealt with some hard things, and challenges, and he has been supportive of my healing process. I have never put myself into any man for fear of being disappointed by them. I really regret treating those men this way, because I do not like it at all.

Mita · May 17, 2005

You have alot of good advice hope everthing works out for you. A rule I made when I met my husband is I did not tell him about my past relationships before him. I told him up front the moment he met me on forward is the important relationship because I married him. Therefore in a heated argument he cannot bring up anything about anyone.

Good Luck:)

vinesqueen · May 17, 2005

What a sucky place you are in now Diva! I'm so sorry. ((((hugs)))) I would say to listen to his actions, I don't know who said it, but actions speak louder than words. This was something that I had to learn the hard way, to listen to the deeds rather than the words. Actions don't lie.

That's the problem with love. You have to be willing to be vulnerable in order to win the big prize.

As for the question of "the best you could do." This might be tough to hear. Perhaps at the time you started to go with him he *was* the best you could do. That may not be true now however.

Hopefully as we go through our lives we progress and gain some degree of wisdom. For some, that journy is sunny and easily traveled on a well paved road. For others, we have to struggle through swamp and desert and jagged volcanic rocks that tear our shoes and our feet.

My DH is the best I can do. (I also posted this on your xpost in the Lounge)

Zoe · May 17, 2005

The catcher is that my bf, his attitude, the things that he has said, and done. Are things that I did to other male companions before him, all those men that I dated, and never really let it in were treated the way that I feel treated now. Damn Karma. ... I really regret treating those men this way, because I do not like it at all.

Well, Caramel, you may be learning a life lesson from your current BF, but if you don't like how it feels, you don't have to stay with the guy as if he were a difficult but required course at school!

You say you love your BF. If that's enough, do what you need to work things out. But count me in with Jack as another one who's "far too old and weary" for petty arguments and insecurity. When I want drama, I go to the theater.

Give yourself credit for recognizing that BF is doing what you did to other men; that's a huge, painful insight, and hard won. What do you want in your life? Whatever your next steps, good luck to you.

kellymoos · May 17, 2005

I just wanted to say Good Luck to you in whatever you decide.

I'llsucceed · May 17, 2005

Go buy yourself the book- "Hes just not that in to you" It will answer all your questions! I wish you luck. From my outside point of view- " You may not be with the right person & He is waiting for you- But you won't find him until you leave & go look." Love can be good- great & easy believe it! Its not supposed to be so hard that its a struggle all the time. Again I wish you well.