Do you think help is needed?

[josephine 1]

AN OBESE MIND

I will give you some background about myself from becoming obese to thin. Laparoscopic Adjustable Gastric Banding, “Lapband” became part of my life November 10, 2005. Being fairly new in the United States, maybe the insurance companies didn’t know too much about it. I was approved in 3 weeks. There wasn’t as much then as there is today with Pre Op approval requirements with the insurance company that I went through with my job. I filled out a form at the doctor’s office and it was sent to the insurance company for approval for surgery.

Requirements today consist of proof from your primary care physician that you have been obese for 5 straight years, history of co-morbidities, for some, needing to prove to the insurance that you can remain on a steady weight loss program for 6 months and to be able to keep that weight off. I really like that one………. If you can do that then why does a person even need to consider “Lapband”? Then to me the most important requirement in which I missed out on, the psych evaluation. Who could possibly have needed that? Well, I did, and I didn’t realize it until after I had lost all my weight and I now struggle with my new healthy self. Obesity is a psychological disease and not only does a person need that prior to approval but during the time of their weight loss process and in my case, aftercare in which I didn’t receive as it wasn’t a requirement for me. I forgot one more requirement and that is a nutritionist. I believe that a nutritionist should be up to the individual but I know the five basic food groups in which I was taught in elementary school. Not only that but I know what is healthy versus unhealthy foods. If you have an addiction with a certain food like an alcoholic does with alcohol, then you need to stay away from it. It is that simple. You may go through your withdrawals but you will get over it, as far as wanting to consume it.

I had my surgery November 10, 2005. I weighed in at 251 pounds. The highest I have ever weighed was 254 pounds. By July 25, 2006 I weighed 140 pounds. It was hard to believe I lost 111 pounds in 8 months, but I did. During that time because of the amount that I was taking off on a monthly basis my doctor and nurse were concerned so they were wanting to see me monthly to be sure I wasn’t losing anymore weight but I went down to 134 and started to look sickly. According to my doctor the proper weight for me is 145 pounds. I joined the gym once I lost all my weight, in fact, not until January 2007 and that is when I began to put on weight, that was very scary to me but my trainer assured me that it was muscle weight. I am now 142 pounds and look very healthy. I have maintained my weight loss now for almost 2 years and my clothing size has not gone up since that weight gain so I am good to go, right? No, something isn’t right, I am very unhappy inside and I need help.

Is it wrong for me not to know who I am? Actually is it possible not to know who you are? I question myself every single day and on each and every one of those days I get more and more depressed. I lost over 100 pounds and I should be ecstatic about my new healthy lifestyle. Is this me having the problem or my loved ones around me having the problem? Mentally I have changed with my eating habits for over two years now and have moved forward but others are troubled by it, or am I troubled by it.

When I was obese I never questioned myself. I knew exactly who I was. I even knew exactly what I was going to do when I woke up the next morning and that was eat until I got a stomach ache even before I got to work. Those days were very easy for me as I had a habit and I was never going to break that habit because if I did, it would disrupt my daily routine and then I wouldn’t know what to do with myself. Eating was such an easy task for me to accomplish. I only needed to worry about when my husband would get home because I needed to finish eating before he got home or be sure I cleaned out my car of all fast food bags before anyone would see them. Don’t forget, I was unable to get the French fries that fell between the seats so every so often I would get caught in my web of lies.

I was wondering when you begin to accept who you have become. When do you’re loved ones ever get used to the fact that you are who you are now and there is no going back. The countless times I have heard, you are not dieting anymore so why don’t you eat this now or you don’t have to drink all that Water anymore since you are not looking to lose anymore weight. You still don’t eat anything so why do you want to go out to eat and spend all that money and you won’t eat everything in front of you. Did they forget the word, “doggie bag”? Now, I am able to get 3 meals for the price of 1 so why are they complaining? Talk about a cheap date. I don’t even drink alcohol anymore. I know that I am able to but I choose not to as it is empty calories. I don‘t even miss consuming alcohol.

I have made a 360 in my life and it has become more of a problem for others than it ever has for me. How is it what I put in my mouth affect other people? Do you think that it is fair after all this time I should be worrying about such trivial things? Why should what other people think still bother me? Have I still not accepted my new self yet?

My husband tells me now; in fact it has been longer than a little while that he wishes I was the same person mentally that I was when I was obese. He had no clue how depressed inside I was because of my condition. He said since I have quit smoking and that has been since December 25, 2006, and have lost all that weight, that I have become very short, no patience and somewhat angry. Also, I can’t cook anymore but on his defense I am afraid to taste the food in between meals. I have never been a patient person so I believe I need to work on being angry and very short. I do believe that when we are obese, and I should speak for myself that I will do whatever it takes to be accepted and if that was to be walked on then so be it. I guess my door has opened somewhat and I am not allowing that anymore. Unfortunately my husband is there and I guess he is taking the brunt of it. I am sorry for that. I need to curb that. He has been wonderful to me throughout all of this but has not listened to me enough though. He sees my outside but hasn’t a clue what is going on inside. I know I am not E.F. Hutton but someone needs to listen to me. Who can understand me especially if I can’t even understand myself? Damn, there is so much confusion. I love my husband very much and I certainly do not want to lose him. He just needs to take the time to sit down and listen to me. It is so hard for men to do that. No wonder they are looked at by a woman with distaste.

It is also not fair being hateful to others as they don’t have a clue with what is going on in my mind. In fact, it is really none of their business to know what is going on in my mind unless I choose to tell them. Some people only think that I am a B….. and they have never even known my past where other people believe I’ve turned into a B….. since I went through my lifestyle change. Could it be jealousy on their part? I don’t know. Should I worry about that part or should I try to take care of myself?

The only thing that I do know for sure is that it is very important for me to stay healthy from this day forward. I understand that mental health is just as important as physical health is, if not more important so this is why I am in search of answers. I want to know what is wrong with me. I do know that I have self doubt, I do not trust in myself nor do I even believe in myself and that I am somewhat angry at everyone because I am different and they are having trouble accepting me for who I am and have become. Is there a possibility of becoming normal to myself first and then everyone else? Will there ever be a happy medium without hurting the ones you love?

I need help mentally to be sure that I am stable. I want to be able to tell people in a proper way that I am okay and they need not worry about me or themselves for that matter. Can I tell people to be themselves when they are with me especially when it comes to the eating part? They right away talk to me about their eating habits and they try to be like me when I make my food choices and I know very well that they are not like that, nor have they ever been like that since I have known them. I have NEVER expected anyone to make changes like I have. I will be more than happy to help someone or encourage someone if they are looking for help, but I would never initiate the conversation. We all know by experience that it has to come from within us first.

Is it me or is it the others around me.

Josephine

7/06/08

[kareyquilts 1]

You've got a lot on your mind! I would say that in most ways you have been very successful. Maybe you have learned to finally speak up for yourself and that is not being a bitch! Or maybe, you are beginning pre-menopause and that is why you feel angry. Or maybe you still have to make some adjustments to your new self. It never hurts to seek professional help. I have certainly contemplated it. It sounds like you might be suffering from depression. This could be because of issues you have or something biochemical. I wish you the best as you seek answers. Hopefully, others on this forum will see your thread and be able to offer some support.

[VegasGrace 1]

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

I've thought the same thing. Thought I was crazy for thinking it.

I am so like you. Was 256 and now am 137. I look sickly if I lose even 5 pounds. Right where I am...I have nice curves and a great figure...I look like a lady.

Yet, I still think of myself as obese. I so intently watch infomercials about weightloss stuff. I read up on weightloss things.

But I'm on maintenance! When will I not be obese anymore, mentally obese?

The only thing with me, I knew beforehand that weightloss wouldn't be "the start of my new life" or some other taglines people use. Life started a long time ago and isn't going to change a single bit just because you lose or gain weight...the person is still the person.

Of course you'll take up less space...but I am who I am, the same as last year and the same as next year.

I played tennis for the first time in 20 years. Yep, was able to run the court. I now want to take tennis lessons.

A year ago I could barely walk.

So yeah, lifestyle is surely different when you are thinner!

Hang in there and you've done something so great...you corrected a wrong. But you are back to normal now.