I've been cheating.

[LeslieR041906 1]

I know that with this thread, I will be told what I already know, this is the time for my band to heal. Well, my question is, after all I have done, can I reverse it somehow? Possibly go on liquids, again, then work back up to mushies? It started, about a week ago when I was allowed to eat Mushies. Now, I feel it could be out of control. I eat soft Pasta, I still have my Protein shakes, but, I do sneak in icecream, fried chicken, mind you once. Problem is, YES I have hurt myself, cause, now, Im suffering from gerd. I was doing so well, but I got right back into the eating habit. I havent gained, but I dont care to be honest, I just dont want to hurt my band. I want to start over, come clean with what I have done, and try to do this the right way. I have a docs appt on monday, to see if everything is ok. Im going to confess to him what has happened. Biggest problem, Im full, yet I want more. Just as it was before. WHAT SHOULD I DO ABOUT THIS? I get my first fill on the 23rd of this month. I was ready for this, but, temptation is killing me. How do I seperate it. Having a band wasnt really something i wanted cosmetic. It was something I had to do for myself, to keep living for my 2 year old daughter. Im not a good example. And I want to do right, and treat my band with the upmost care. It wasnt hard for me to get the band, and it honestly cost me nothing, I notice others going through hell to get it. And here I am abusing it. I feel selfish, and I dont want this guilt. HOW can I start over. I know that I could have done damage. I know that there are stages for a reason. But, I let this happen, and I want to change it. Hopefully this is enough to help me this soon into my healing process. I want to know should I go on full liquids for a week or 2. What should I do? I know my doc will tell me. I so hate food.

I want to let people in on a secret. And I know by sharing this, I will get all sorts of opinions, the other day, I went out and had fast food, I got a wrap, and it hurt after I ate it. Along with the guilt, the pain was too much for me. So I tried to vomit it back up. And then, I hurt. Trying to vomit wasnt good. I should have never done it. Since then I havent been the same. No one knows this, and its my guilt that I have to live with. I hate what I done. I wanted to go into this doing it right. Im litterally in tears, cause of what I have done, and I know right from wrong. I was ready for this band and I am still. Cause, I dont want to die. I dont want to leave my little girl. I want to see her grow up. Before the band, my bp was high having it just for this month has dramatically improved it. I think that I was depressed again, but I dont want to make excuses, my mom was just diagnosed with Lupus, and I just found out that every woman in my family had it. And I already have Joint problems, back problems, etc. Im scared to death that if I dont change now, I will die way before my time. This should be the only motivation I need. But why cant I look at it, that way when food temps me? I hate it.

Im sorry for ranting and Im sure that this will make people mad. But, I just need some advice, so that I can start over. I need opinions, as to if they believe its not too late to start over. I was banded a month ago, and already to a bad start. I thought I had support here at home, but I dont, but I know that the support must first come from within. I would appreciate any and all help. Thank you for reading.

[smilin_apple 0]

LeslieR041906 - First of all let me say this to you don't be so hard on yourself. This is a journey to take one day at a time. Don't compare yourself to others, not everyone is perfect we all struggle with the band just as we struggled with our weight before banding. The first step is admitting what you have done and know you shouldn't have done and correcting it for the future.

You know you ate wrong just get back on track. We all fall sometimes but what matters is getting back up. You are on the right path for you and your daughter, just remember that.

Start with you next meal and remember to eat soft foods that are worth while to you. Like yogurt, cottage cheese, Protein Shakes, etc. You want to remember to eat for 20-40 minutes at a time, no less and no more. If you are going to go over the 30 minutes just put it away for your next meal or get rid of the rest.

Try not to eat more than 1 cup to 1.5 cups of food at your meals if possible. If you are still feeling hungry you might be ready for a fill in your band.

I am not a professional but I have gone through a band nutrition program through my insurance that went on for about a year and I have been banded since November 2007, I am here to help with whatever I can.

~April~

[sirvine89 0]

ok-obviously you sound very upset and aware of what you have done so i am not going to lecture you. you should definitely tell the doctor EVERYTHING including the fast food secret. you just have to prepare your mind for it. its just that we are all so addicted to food. for some "inspiration" why dont you put a picture of your daughter on things in your home that remind you of eating or things that have food in them (fridge, cabinets pantry) and under her picture make a little note-whatever will inspire you like "i need to get healthier for her" "i need to set a good example for my daughter so she learns good eating habits" or "i need to be alive to see her walk down the aisle" something like that-whatever works for you... but your human yyou make mistakes and you're her mommy and she loves you no matter what-show her the same thing by getting healthier for her

good luck! keep us updated!

[Carla76 0]

Hi Leslie, This is a LIFE comiment and you chose life! There are absolutly going to be days when you are upset with yourself and second guess your decision..but you think of the reasons why you decided to get the band and keep going...If there wasnt going to be another temptation or requirement of will power then everyone would be lining up to get this done. This is hard and constant work, but this is the only tool that has ever worked for me. Give it time, it takes time...I was banded in 10/2007 and I have lost 30lbs...it took 6 months for me to get into the green zone, and so my journey has been quite slow, but i have had time to adjust. I to am experiencing tightness and frothing after an adjustment when I try foods to fast...I get back on Protein Shakes and cottage cheese and it takes about a week for my stomach to settle down. So it might help you as well...I also have a similar problem with the desire to overeat and I do and then get sick, aggrivating my stomach and having to go back on Protein shakes...that is my dependency on food and chewing as my comfort and I have to talk myself out of doing it in the moment...making myself put down the food and asking myself outloud why am I eating helps. And try not to be so hard on yourself...what i like to do is remind myself how much less I am eating then i used to and that yes this band works! Dont give up you are doing a really great job and be patient with yourself and the band...it will heal! Good Luck

[coltonwade 27]

First off you need to call your doc ASAP and let him know EVERYTHING that you have done . Not wait until your appt . you need to tell him NOW . I will be honest and i wont sugar coat much on this . You VERY WELL could have damaged something.

The first 6 weeks are not about control, self discpline anythign else BUT healing . Your bands life expetancy depends on the first 6 weeks, it needs to form scar tissue around itsself. Hence the reason for slowly introducing food , its so your stomach does not "work" too soon in order to form that scar tissue.

And under no circumstances according to my doc do you want to THROW UP! You HAVE TO CALL YOUR DOCTORS OFFICE !! Do not wait on this . This is not something we on the boards can tell you how to fix .

NOW that being said I think you know everything i just said.

Things DO GET easier once you have restriction I PROMISE it does.

But no matter what the throwing up needs to stop .

I dont know you but have you thought about counseling to deal w/ the food issues. Its not a bad idea for anyone honestly .

Bottom line you have to follow orders for your band to be successful until you get a fill at least. Please call your doctor asap !!

Mindy

[Carla76 0]

H Leslie,

Another thing that may or may not help with the guilt you are feeling...I have 3 little kids 4,3, and 1 and I would tell myself the same thing...i am going to lose weight for my kids...and at the time I had joined Jenny C and after a couple of weeks on the program i went and got fast food. I ate the whole super-sized meal while sitting with my daughter..looking at her and saying to myself as I ate the burger I was supposed to be doing this for her!!!why cant i stop...I had tremendous guilt b/c I had felt like I failed my kids, myself, my husband, etc that i loved food over my family, which increased the guilt and the craving of food...and it took a long time but I came to realize that I have to do this for myself and only myself and in doing so the relationships and quality of life with my loved ones will improve. I hope you find some comfort in knowing tha you are not alone. Good Luck!

[coltonwade 27]

This is what kept me from "Cheating" during the post op phase , the first 6 weeks. And honestly its not cheating its going against medical advice . You might think of it that way . But I imagined if i ate anything i should not , i imagined my band being ripped out of my stomach !

If you keep that mental image in the back of your head it might keep you from putting anything in your mouth you should not ?

The "fear" factor of it all kept me from doing anything.

HTH

Mindy

[Lunabeane 2]

Ok...I'm just going to hug you. Everything has a solution. Call your Dr. and get in for an Upper GI to see if everything is ok. If it is...then continue with the advice that your Dr. gives you. If it isn't...then find out what you need to do to fix it.

[packmiss 0]

well u are not alone.. I was banded on the 25th .. I know how hard it is. I know the feeling u are getting. I totally understand.I have been battling myself for a very long time. It is mental. I sat in the parking lot of mc d's and fought with my mind on weather i should have a ice cream cone the other day. I won i didnt have one but still it is something u need to think about stopfor a second and think what am i doing . I stop and think how good i am going to look after all said and done, how good i am going to feel after all said and done. I did this for me . Not my son not my family not my husband . but ME. I have to be on liquids for three weeks thats a long time. Now i have had some mushie foods but i had a very little. I chew very well and i felt pretty good . But mostly liquid Protein Shakes and yogart and Jello and Soup. Just think of how good u will feel. When u loose some weight take time out to tell urself how proud u are of yourself and buy something for yourself . When i loose weight i buy a shirt or pants . Just to feel better. Award. Remeber its for u girl and u will do well. Please write if u want and have a good weekend.

[cranberry31 0]

don't beat yourself up, some of us are basically addicted to food, it is impossible for that to just go away, and as for doing this for your daughter or husband e.tc, you have to do it for yourself, not anyone else, I wish I had some good advice to give but all I can say is get back on the horse! tell your doctor and follow his advice, maybe have some people you can call on speed dial, like a sponsor like they have in AA.

I know I will have these kinds of issues myself, I will be banded july 18th, and I am already freaking out over all the foods I won't be able to eat anymore, I will probably join a food addicts group or see a counsellor to cope with these issues. Good luck!

[To be free 1]

I know that this has been an ongoing issue due to your past posts, but most of us are here because we have a problem with emotional eating or food so you are in the right place.

My doctor according to his plan has us on regular food on week 4 so I don't think that the wrap you had yesterday would be too bad unless you didn't chew right or ate too much. I think you are worried because of the past slip ups.

You are going to the doctor and are aware of what you need to do and sound determined to pick yourself up and start again....and you can do it, we all battle the head hunger and many of us are in bandster hell so we are behind you and wish you the best.

Please, Please do not try to throw up.....the food I understand but trying to throw up? Please remember to tell the doctor about that and good luck!!!

[LeslieR041906 1]

Wow, guys thanks. Im glad to see that Im not alone, but everyone is right I have to do this for myself. Today, Im back on liquids. Already, my stomach is growling, but Im going to fight it. Im going to let my stomach rest.

I tried calling my doc, and unfortunately, theyre not there, and the emergency line told me if Im not tolerating liquids, or Im hurting then go to the er. Which, Im not hurting, and I can tolerate liquids. So, Unfortunately, I will have to wait til monday. I mean I can go to the er, but its so expensive. and right now, money is tight. Otherwise I would do it.

Thanks for all the advice, but I feel bad about the other day. The wrap I had, I didnt chew properly, and stupid me I acted like I was never banded. It hurt going down. I know there is no excuse for it, but I was so nauseated, and I felt that I had to do it. One, I did feel guilty and I felt it would be a quick relief. The day before I had gone and bought a new blouse, it was a size smaller. And it looked great on me, EVERYONE at work, told me I was losing. But, after I ate, I looked bloated and bigger. Thats when the guilt came in.

Anyway, heres what I do on most days, if food isnt an issue. Especially weekdays when Im working. I have 2 EAS Protein shakes, 42 grams of Protein, and 300 cal each. So there is my protein, then I drink all the Water I can. If I get hungry, I eat sugar free, Jello or pudding, kinda like Im following the liquid diet. Then when I go home, I have a small meal, I dont over eat, I eat til Im satisfied. Usually bake fish, chicken, have Pasta, along with soft veggies. For a snack, I would usually get low fat ritz, and light tuna, with light mayo, and have a couple crackers, it calms a lot of cravings. So, the things I cheated with, well they come on the weekends. Which shouldnt be the case, but weekends, I have my family around, and they are eating, and I want the same thing they are eating, I fight it, and try, but sometimes, I lose. I used to chew chew and chew. But now, I find it hard to do. I dont know why, but I do need to get right back on that wagon.

coltonwade!! Thanks for being straigt forward with me. Sometimes, the truth is the best advice. Hopefully it will knock some sense into me. That is a great way to to avoid cheating. Thinking about your band being ripped out. That scares me. Youre right I may have done damage. Im just praying that I didnt do much and I can recover from this. And I will tell my doc everything. Even though he will yell at me, I hope he does, cause it could be the only way, I can help myself.

As far as my daughters eating habits, I wish I could learn from her. She doesnt eat meat, she a little veggie lover, and fruit lover. She rarely eats junk, anything fried she wont eat. I know my eating habits were great when I was pregnant. But, didnt think she would learn from them. LOL. All I craved was salad and fruit, any and all meat made me sick. Good thing I was taking my prenatals, and shes now taking finstones. Gosh before I was banded, I would eat crap from McDonalds, and you would think that kids love McDonalds, not her. I would give her a fry, and she wouldnt eat it. Shes 2 and I only pray she keeps these habits for a while. I dont want her to be like me. I dont want her to struggle with weight all her life. She deserves so much more. My goal, next year I want to be thinner to take her to the local theme park. I want to ride the kiddie rides with her. Last year I was about 320 and I got on 1 ride and thought I was going to die.. And other rides I embarrased myself by not being able to ride. I hate it.

Sorry to digress, but, I had to talk about some things. I didnt mean to tell my life story. All in all I am greatful for all of your responses. Thank you. I will get back on the right track, I will make myself. and I promise. Thank you again.

[GayleTX 1]

Unfortunately if you have done damage it probably will not show up for a few months. The damage done in early stages shows up down the road in slippages, dilated pouches, etc. Then it's too late to 'start over.'

I blame doctors for not emphasising enough to patients that the dietary restrictions during these early weeks has nothing to do with losing weight - it has to do with allowing the surgery to heal, letting the band settle in to the stomach.....they dont explain how dangerous it is.

Since you have realized that you have a control problem, you might consider getting some help from a therapist that deals with eating disorders. Since you say your surgery cost you nothing, I'm assuming you may be on Medicaide?...if you are, it should pay for counseling also. Get some help to make this tool work for you and to change your life and your future. We can't all do this by ourselves....it takes a good support program to make it work.

[Froggi 4]

Just keep on liquids so your tummy has a break.

I'm sorry things have been so hard.

Besides the setbacks you're doing well.

Get ahold of your doc and good luck.

I wish you well :tt2:

[LeslieR041906 1]

Just keep on liquids so your tummy has a break.

I'm sorry things have been so hard.

Besides the setbacks you're doing well.

Get ahold of your doc and good luck.

I wish you well :tt2:

Thank you. At first I thought it was great, that I had it under control. But, it is harder at first than I figured. Thank you again!!